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Did it again...

Twitch

Destroyer of worlds. Well, my own anyway.
Well, I’ve lost another job. Had a massive meltdown at work—I lost a stupid phone—and completely lost my mind: sweating bullets, hitting myself, and hyperventilating to the point I fainted. Everyone was actually cool about it; they seemed more worried than angry (they know about my situation) but as soon as I calmed down I realized what I did and walked out from shame and humiliation. Been a week now and just started putting in applications elsewhere but now I have a year-long gap in my work history to explain.

This is about as long as I can hold a job. I usually leave before I get to this point—specifically so I DON’T get to this point—but I wanted to change a bad habit and decided to try and stick with it. Mistake it turns out. Most of what I do ends up in this category.

I’m so sick of this. I’m 52, have no savings, no prospects, exactly one friend left, and the best I’m expecting to find is maybe a dish-washing job at this point. My stepfather used to like telling me I was a waste of a human life and, hate to say it, I’m starting to come around to agreeing.
 

VictorR

Random Member
V.I.P Member
Given that your colleagues were understanding and seeming supportive (worried for you), have you considered asking if you could rescind your resignation? It sounds like a good workplace.
 

Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Well, I’ve lost another job. Had a massive meltdown at work—I lost a stupid phone—and completely lost my mind: sweating bullets, hitting myself, and hyperventilating to the point I fainted. Everyone was actually cool about it; they seemed more worried than angry (they know about my situation) but as soon as I calmed down I realized what I did and walked out from shame and humiliation.

My stepfather used to like telling me I was a waste of a human life and, hate to say it, I’m starting to come around to agreeing.
One,...I would consider what @VictorR said. Two,...you actually cared enough about how you go about your work to have a meltdown,...work ethic is important to you,...but more importantly everyone makes mistakes. I would never consider anyone the slightest bit "settled" into their job and proficient the first 5 years on the job. Good Lord, I tell my students and new employees,..."Just when you are foolish enough to think you are having moments of clarity, God will smack you up side the head,...just to let you know you don't know anything." After nearly 40 years in the same career,...I am still asking questions, even though, realistically, I have more wisdom than the vast majority of people I work with. You don't gain wisdom without making mistakes,...a lot of mistakes,...a lot of mistakes,...a lot of mistakes. It's always something different,...often a "one off",...probably something you may never experience again,...but a mistake none-the-less. Roll with it. Three,...shame and humiliation,...again, you care how people see you,...it's a self-respect thing,...I get it. However, having some degree of humility and if you can have a sense of humor about yourself,...it makes things a lot easier on yourself and the social awkwardness of the situation.

Those emotional events,...they burn into your memory. Do you honestly think that same thing is going to happen again? Sure,...just plan on making more mistakes,...roll with it. You'll get called into the office for a "talking to",...that's part of their job,...and everyone has anxiety about these things, but most of the time, it's just to discuss things,...and ideally just make it a learning experience,...not to reprimand. As you pointed out, other people were not nearly as hard on you as you were on yourself.

Your second statement,...I get it,...but that's the depression talking. It's really easy to be hard on yourself, especially when you have toxic people around you to reinforce those thoughts.

Take care.
 

Atrapa Almas

70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN
V.I.P Member
Should a person with a proterostethic leg be humilliated when they fall to the ground?

Should a person with epilepsy feel less humans when they have an episode?

You had a Meltdown, which is quite understable in autistic people working in NT enviroments. Then you may ask your boss to cancel one of your vacations days because on that day you was non productive.

You are not NT and should not feel shame for not being NT. If your boss is not asking you to leave, why should you be harder on yourself than your boss?

You should love yourself and be kind. I would follow VictorR advice.

Hugs.
 

Twitch

Destroyer of worlds. Well, my own anyway.
Given that your colleagues were understanding and seeming supportive (worried for you), have you considered asking if you could rescind your resignation? It sounds like a good workplace.
Had I gone in the next day, or at least called, I'm sure they'd have taken me back but I didn't. I was too embarrassed. I left them in the lurch at a real bad time with the holidays coming up. That bridge is properly burned.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Well, just say you worked for family for a year. Or you took care of your mother. Or say you became over-worked and walked out when you should have stayed. Employers usually don't get upset if you admit the truth.
 
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All-Rounder

uwu owo uwu
V.I.P Member
Your stepfather was projecting his useless waste behavior on you. Just because you have one episode doesn't cancel your regular success. Our mind tends to remember the few negative examples only. That's by the way how we also get fooled by believing in superstition and dream premonitions.
 

All-Rounder

uwu owo uwu
V.I.P Member
For example if there's a huge disaster thousands die, one survives. It's a miracle just because of the exception.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
Well, I’ve lost another job. Had a massive meltdown at work—I lost a stupid phone—and completely lost my mind: sweating bullets, hitting myself, and hyperventilating to the point I fainted. Everyone was actually cool about it; they seemed more worried than angry (they know about my situation) but as soon as I calmed down I realized what I did and walked out from shame and humiliation. Been a week now and just started putting in applications elsewhere but now I have a year-long gap in my work history to explain.

This is about as long as I can hold a job. I usually leave before I get to this point—specifically so I DON’T get to this point—but I wanted to change a bad habit and decided to try and stick with it. Mistake it turns out. Most of what I do ends up in this category.

I’m so sick of this. I’m 52, have no savings, no prospects, exactly one friend left, and the best I’m expecting to find is maybe a dish-washing job at this point. My stepfather used to like telling me I was a waste of a human life and, hate to say it, I’m starting to come around to agreeing.
Father's can be very belittling to sons and daughters. It doesn't excuse his behavior but it doesn't mean it's true. My stepfather told me l would never get to Europe. I went right after high-school. I think him saying l couldn't do it helped me do it.
 

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