Did I lose her forever this time? Is she worth getting back?

[jtmyers1988]

I am an adult male with Aspergers. I was diagnosed at the age of 10. I have worked hard to be the person I am today as most people would not know it unless I told them. Anyways my situation was a 4 year long LDR as I am in Arkansas and she was in Texas, we fit so well together and we visited each other often which was usually once a month. She was my best friend and I was her first everything. I never had the kind of love and connection with someone that I had with her. We were both 28 and shared a birthday within the same week. We did go on a "break" due to a lot of stress in her life in 2014 as she worked two jobs and then her mom nearly died, but it was resolved in 6 months and we got back together and we seemed better than ever.

Long story short, about a month ago me and my father were on a road trip to San Antonio to visit my grandmother for her 96th birthday and we get into a car accident and the car got totaled in Dallas. My now ex was in Fort Worth. We were stuck at a gas station with our luggage after the car got hauled off and my dad nearly gets mugged. I then call and tell my girlfriend what happened to us and she offers to help to come over and take us to a rental car facility as she was all we knew who were available to help us in the area. We did offer to pay for gas but she turned it down. Anyways, we get to a rental car facility and while my father was signing the paperwork my girlfriend dumps me right there in her car. Various quotes from her was that she felt nothing one way or the other and was saying I no longer come to mind when she wants to spend time or make plans with someone and she didn't want to hurt me any longer. (she canceled a visit the month prior and claimed she was too busy which left me pretty sad since we had not seen each other since July) She also made a comment that she never cheated on me. She then also brought up random stuff about our past issues (really petty stuff TBH) and said I give her anxiety and also made a random comment accusing me of expecting her to support me which did not make any sense to me and that I needed to get my life together. Yes I had been going thru an unemployment hardship for a couple months prior to this but never asked for money or anything. She also said she could no longer envision a future together. Didn't even say goodbye or check in on me or my father afterward as we concluded our trip to San Antonio and then back home in a rental car. I was shocked and devastated and it really was salt in the wounds considering what just happened to us with my parents car getting totaled that same night.

About a week later she even blocked me and unfriended my entire family on Facebook after I messaged her demanding answers but I was also trying to be loving and supportive to her situation which I will get to in a minute. The actual comment that made her block me was: "Good Morning! Have a great day! I love you! Just please do not throw away what we shared together over these 4 years." Then later that night when I saw she blocked or unfriended everyone I called her demanding to know what was going on and I was pretty intense with her about it. She simply said in a very neutral tone: "I simply don't want to be with you anymore. Leave me alone because I really do not want to change my phone number." I said a few regrettable comments and hung up.

We have not spoken at all in two weeks. Whats worse is we had just made plans for spending Christmas together and taking a vacation with my parents just two days before the breakup. I was gonna propose to her this month as well. She was very fond of my parents and she was like a daughter to them. We had made plans for getting an apartment together back in August and having me move down there next year. We were talking about being together forever and marriage. I have never felt so angry and betrayed in my life. She is Asian and had to move back in with her family earlier this year and she had mentioned there was a lot of family drama going on including her telling me that I was not welcome over there anymore after I visited her for our 4 year anniversary back in July for whatever reason she claimed to not know. I know enough about Asian culture from dating her long enough to know how they put family and career first before anything else. Now one thing I do need to point out is she is extremely career focused and driven and she was about to get her Masters Degree while working two jobs in the IT field. She is very bad about over exerting herself. I kinda got the vibe that me having a hard time getting a job for two months played a strong role in her building some kind of hidden resentment towards me. I honestly had no clue she was gonna cut me loose and completely go cold and disappear out of my life. I had just started two jobs the week following the breakup. I never got to tell her that, sadly. Could it simply be the extreme stress she is enduring on all fronts and my crisis that night triggered something to make her go cold turkey on me? We had a very harmonious relationship overall. She would always post stuff about how awesome I am all over her Facebook. She seemed totally crazy about me. But since she has me and my family either blocked or unfriended I cannot see if those posts and photos are still there (but there are tagged posts with me and her from as recent as October that are still visible according to my dads account as she had unfriended but not blocked him) but I refuse to believe I have been played or cheated on as some of my friends have been telling me. Its been three weeks and I am still so shocked and confused. I dunno what to do as I truly felt she was my soulmate and she was suddenly replaced by someone I do not know. It looked like her, it sounded like her, but it was not the loving and happy woman I knew. This has left me feeling so sick and hopeless. Will I have to give up on this situation after all we been through? Overall we had a really good relationship and we both looked at each other as our best friend and we had vowed to work things thru together. Now its like I am dead to her. I am having anxiety attacks, cannot eat, obsessive thoughts replaying the relationship in my mind trying to understand what happened to make her hurt and betray me in this sudden manner and I cannot sleep at night as I have never felt so much pain in my life. I do not know how or why exactly this happened and I may never know since she cut me off completely. I am at a loss.

This was us from earlier this year, she would always parade me and tag me in posts on Facebook saying how awesome a boyfriend I was to her. I truly felt loved and appreciated and now nothing. Its very heartbreaking. I feel played. Is she gone out of my life forever? I just want to know how to fix this and work things out with her!

 

[midlife aspie]

This could be a commitment problem. Marriage is a huge life change and she could be having second thoughts. Leave her alone for a while and see if she tries to reach out at some point. Grieve the loss, but be prepared to move on with your life.

 

[jtmyers1988]

I also wondered about that or if it is the so called Grass Is Greener Syndrome which would explain her putting all the blame on me for ending it. Also when we got back together last year after our break she would often text me and ask "Babe, do you love me?" for a month afterward. Perhaps she has insecurities AND commitment issues?

 

[midlife aspie]

Very possible.

 

[Jim]

Buddy, just went through a similar thing, deep love, acceptance, followed by a breakup.

Let her go. Breakups suck. You are grieving for what you had, and what you thought was to be. I know. It is a death. You will wrap your head around it soon enough, but not today. Not tomorrow. You will, though. I know that.

No, you did not get played. You unfortunately will never get the answer you want from her, because as soon as you do get it, you will have another question.

Distance and time are your friends. Exercise (running always helps me - love dopamine!). Don't isolate yourself. Go to museums. Watch trains. Walk around town. Go to the library. Find a meetup group.

It hurts. It sucks. She's gone. Love yourself. Respect yourself. Be kind to yourself.

You'll make it through.

 

[Rachel]

I will just ditto Jim. We women are confusing and confused. Go through the process of mourning and get on with your life. There is a "forever" woman for you out there - you're young (I'm 50 - I can say that). Live your life and enjoy the good things and accept the loss. It is painful but this will not be forever.

 

[jtmyers1988]

Yeah I mean I will of course do my best to carry on. But considering we had made plans for the future just a couple days prior I really do think this was stress induced from her working 2 full time jobs and being a 4.0 student about to get her masters. She had talked about how she had fallen asleep in her car on several occasions at the college campus. She is very focused on herself right now. I do hope she will reach out to me in the next few months when things are less hectic with her. I was her first everything and you obviously never forget your first. She was my first LTR as well and the first girl I really had a strong connection with. We both considered each other as a best friend in this relationship. And all the time we spent together (4 years is significant) and the overall positive nature of the relationship makes me think she will. I have already forgiven her for her method and poor timing. I do blame myself as I should not have had her help us knowing what she is going thru. I also neglected her a bit too in the final couple months leading up to this since I had been having difficulty finding a new a job after being let go in August and I went into a mild depression.

 

[jtmyers1988]

Still no contact and its officially been a month. I keep bouncing back between loving her and hating her. But I still want to fight for her even if there might be someone else in the picture that motivated her to do this to me. I must be really insane or really stupid. I have never had such weird and conflicting emotions before. I just sent a heartfelt letter and some money I owed her but I dunno if that will do any good. (if she even reads it)

EDIT: She either removed or hidden most of the pictures of us on her Facebook account with the exception of our anniversary picture where she captioned it talking about how amazing of a boyfriend I was. I am not sure if that was an oversight or intentional. She was also creeping on my LinkedIn profile the other day.

 

[paloftoon]

I think it's normal for humans to be nosy about looking at details about other people, even if inappropriate. :/

Your emotions and reactions sound quite acceptable to me.

Keep thinking positive things about yourself, your friends, and do stretches in your home if you can't exercise. Drink lots of water too. Do activities with friends and/or in new groups. Doing these things helped me get through a lot.