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Design a terrible piece of merchandise

Callistemon

Part-Time Space Alien
V.I.P Member
We tried running something like this on an alternative music forum I used to be part of, and got ZERO people joining in because, it seemed, nobody had Photoshop skills or wanted to draw/post pictures etc. I think that skill set is well represented here, so I'll see how it goes on this forum. Could be fun!

Our own contributions were a collaboration between my husband (graphic designer) and me - we brainstormed ideas, he'd do the visuals, I'd do the text.

This is an invitation to flex your creative muscles to design truly terrible merchandise, i.e. not stuff you would seriously sell. The idea comes from his Dr Who forum, where there is a long-standing thread with the same idea, which has given rise to much laughter amongst Dr Who fans.

To start us off, here was a highlight:

The Cure Eco-Toothbrushes

Toothbrushes to rock your bathroom!

cure_toothbrush_pornography_edition.jpg


Environmentally friendly bamboo that you can whittle, Burn or compost after your toothbrush wears out. Charcoal-infused bristles, now in distinctive styling - because it never was just about hair, it was about an aesthetic.


Dental Health Awareness Poster

dental_health_awareness_2003_poster.jpg


PS: I probably would have just done cute black mops on toothbrushes, but as you can see, my husband has rather different ideas!
1f604.png
...by the way, I came in halfway through the poster design and he'd used "nudie" toothbrushes in his image, which come in his and hers, with cartoon wedding tackle and cartoon breasts respectively (google it!). At that point the breasts were still on the toothbrush, and the toothbrush head was still normal, and I couldn't stop laughing. DH said to me, "Well, the breasts are going, because that's just wrong!" It was extra funny because at that point the guitar body was still visible underneath the toothbrush, and it was like a toothbrush - guitar chimera, with cartoon breasts.
 
I think I posted this in the joke thread at one point, but this is a very real, and very poor, design for mens pajamas…
I did not design these and I’m glad I didn’t :confused:

1969299F-B7A8-4309-B4B2-EDE8C8C1DCCA.jpeg


There are a lot of ways this could be interpreted and they’re all bad! :p
 
OMG, yes, @crewlucaa_, this is indeed an example of layers and layers of bad.

For one - my DH is crossing his legs because of the nippers.
My immediate first thought was: Crabs = colloquialism for pubic lice (so is wearing a pair of undies like this sort of like tying a red ribbon to the tail of a horse? Y'know, beware, horse kicks. Beware, man undergoing treatment for ectoparasites in unfortunate places...or perhaps even not undergoing treatment for ectoparasites in unfortunate places, and happy to share...)
 
I have no photoshop skills but if I did I might do something like a travel mug with a combination lock on the lid. Guaranteed not to come open by accident! :)
 
That sounds very useful, @Suzette! :)

Here's some more "terrible merchandise" we did for that music forum thread. The first is indeed a mug...although not a travel mug...

A green tea mug for Cure fans
the_cure_mug_front.jpg


the_cure_mug_back.jpg


It's a sort of "in" joke for fans of this particular band. This is the song it alludes to:


...also another number called Never Enough.

At the same time as poking fun at the whole rock'n'roll devotee and commercialisation of anything and everything thing, it was also privately poking fun at us, because we are obsessed with tea and drink it out of the biggest soup mugs we could find (why bother making two thimbles of tea in succession if you can just make a proper-sized one and drink that?).

There were some expansions on the general tea topic I will include here for other tea devotees (or those who enjoy other people's quirks). Some of you with similarly afflicted minds may want to play too and are welcome to post silly things on this thread, because why should we be the ones having all the fun...

More tea themes:

The Waterboys dedicated a whole album to it: This Is The Tea. The title track seems to be about camping, it goes: Well, that was the river / and this is the tea.

Robert Plant likes a cuppa too, why else would he have covered the song called Tea Of Love?

Echo & The Bunneymen have Seven Teas - now that's a good day!

Dr Who has a story called The Tea Devils.

There is that old classic novel, The Old Man And The Tea.

And a much beloved late 1990s Australian drama series, Teachange.

There actually is a band called The Tea Party (and Brett is going, "And a fine band they are too!").

Sailors usually go to tea.

There's the decision you have to make every morning: The devil or the deep blue tea?

And if you're feeling alone, remember, There's plenty more fish in the tea!
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Australian cartoonist Michael Leunig drew this apt ode to tea:

4dc824adad7c119230ee5c26fa807594.jpg


Does anyone else sing odes to tea when the tea is being brought in, or is it just us?

Here comes the tea
Here comes the tea
It's all right
Here comes the tea


...borrowing from the Beatles tune Here Comes The Sun...

...and in more formal moods, borrowing from Here Comes The Bride...

Here comes the tea!
Here comes the tea!


Returning to The Beatles:

All you need is tea
La-la-la-la
All you need is tea
La-la-la-la
All you need is tea
La-la-la-la
Tea is all you need


...etc...
 
Yeah, better tea than coffee or alcoholic beverages, in those quantities... :)
Oh, I can't agree about the coffee! Coffee is life! Elixer of the gods!
To prove my sincerity and commitment I submit that I have 8 coffee makers (only 1 is automatic) and we keep 20 kilos of coffee beans on board, as well as 4 coffee grinders (2 elctric, 2 manual). But we also have 5 kilos of tea. :eek::p
 
LOL. 7 out of 8 manual, you traditionalist. ;)

Emmmm, how do you sleep at night? :eek:

Tried to find a red-eyed frazzled image, but didn't come up with anything decent. This will make a good substitute (and is such good fun anyway):


:tonguewink::tonguewink::tonguewink::tonguewink::tonguewink:
 
@Callistemon, that's a blast from the past!

Re coffee makers, we live on a sailboat so electric power is limited unless we are in a marina somewhere.
And I am a caffine metabolizer. But I still find myself being more careful as I age.
 
I have no photoshop skills but if I did I might do something like a travel mug with a combination lock on the lid. Guaranteed not to come open by accident! :)

Yeah, I've seen those before. :confused:

Strange concept, but some folks are downright territorial about their morning coffee. :rolleyes:

Travel Mug.jpg
 
Anyone recall those Claymore Lunch Bags made by Ron Popeil? But WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great way to keep co-workers out of your tunafish sandwich once and for all. :cool:

Lunchbag.jpg
 
@Callistemon, that's a blast from the past!

Re coffee makers, we live on a sailboat so electric power is limited unless we are in a marina somewhere.
And I am a caffine metabolizer. But I still find myself being more careful as I age.

That's so interesting! Are you sailing anywhere in particular, or just cruising around?

I take it you're not the seasick type. Sadly, I am, especially on ocean swell...

How do you fit all these coffee makers on board? Or are they for ballast as well? ;)

And do you happen to have a photo blog or anything like that of what you are doing?
 
Anyone recall those Claymore Lunch Bags made by Ron Popeil? But WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Great way to keep co-workers out of your tunafish sandwich once and for all. :cool:

View attachment 76841

How does it work, @Judge?

Speaking of people eating/drinking other people's food at work, I spent a little while in the late 90s teaching in a really bad school in London where the whole place was a zoo behaviour-wise, staff included...actually stealing each other's lunches left in the staff room fridge! One Indian woman was outraged by this, as was I - and she told me she was so sick of people drinking from her labelled water bottle she put phenolphthalein in it, a pH indicator that also acts as a laxative...and bingo, poetic justice done next day. :smilingimp:

Sadly the principal pulled her in and chatted her about it - apparently stealing other people's stuff and spreading your germs to them is AOK but doing something about it isn't. :rage: Well, after that the culprit thought twice about eating/drinking other people's stuff anyway.

And then an ex-student told me that when she moved into her uni house-share, the first day she got up she wondered why her toothbrush was wet, since she could not recall brushing her teeth. Asked her housemate about it and got, "Oh, I couldn't find my toothbrush this morning so I borrowed yours!" :screamcat:
 
Auxiliary Starter for Small Cars (a push bar on the back bumper, heated to defrost it in winter.)

Electric bath-tub warmer. For many reasons, not a great idea.

Player piano stair climber. The one exercise machine where you can walk away the pounds while pedaling through paper rolls of songs that not even your grandparents remember.

Tasteless video games:
Online Dating Simulator for Him. (An empty inbox.)
Online Dating Simulator For Her. (250 messages--mix of memes, foreign accents, and a bunch of guys who just post "hey" over & over and over.)
Online Golf
Electric Fan Simulator (Your view in the game is just swinging back & forth over a room.)
Electric Fan Simulator 2: Now with Ceiling Fans--or play as a heater!
Electric Fan Simulator 3: Our most extreme version of EFS, you can play as an air conditioner (window, automotive, or central,) as an evaporative cooling system, a woodstove, or a geothermal heat pump. Thrilling. Don't forget to unlock the hidden game mode where you can play as the operator on various models of Otis elevator.

Stationary bicycle, Traffic Edition. Quadraphonic surround sound and a patented mixture of pipes let you experience the full effect of riding a bicycle in modern America. Hear the loud music on other peoples' radios! Pedal while blinded by oncoming traffic--using real headlights from real Mercedes-Benzes! Ride the seven-inch margin between the wing mirrors of a Range Rover and a cement curb, dodging broken glass and trash the whole way! Breathe deep in real Diesel exhaust from the city bus that you aren't taking, and experience the adrenaline rush of survival when all you wanted to do was commute.

Set this most realistic cycling simulator to "Upper Class Suburb Shortcut" and evade packs of stray dogs and the nosy lady on the neighborhood watch! Play "Hood Edition" and unlock bonus police harassment levels! "Rural Route" seems like an easy level but watch out for packs of dogs and NPC's in jacked-up trucks--sure they can see you, but that's not what they'll tell the coroner! In "It's Always a Dodge Charger," you even get to ride when people are leaving a car show. We even have a level that is good as Frogger. Play "Toad on the Stroad" in the heart of urban sprawl--if you dare! Eight exciting lanes of near-death experience, to get to a Dollar General that replaced the neighborhood store! Get chased by a homeless person!

You can also play it on easy mode--"Forest Path" unlocks NPC dialog from other cyclists who will judge you for riding an inferior machine, constantly.

(For added realism, Bicycle Simulator is not always there when you come back, and will simulate flat tires when you're playing on Deadline Mode.)
 
Electric bath-tub warmer. For many reasons, not a great idea.

f762956c8fb70586d0f5064cfe9ab51e.jpg


:grimacing:


Tasteless video games:
Online Dating Simulator for Him. (An empty inbox.)
Online Dating Simulator For Her. (250 messages--mix of memes, foreign accents, and a bunch of guys who just post "hey" over & over and over.)

ROFL

Stationary bicycle, Traffic Edition. Quadraphonic surround sound and a patented mixture of pipes let you experience the full effect of riding a bicycle in modern America. Hear the loud music on other peoples' radios! Pedal while blinded by oncoming traffic--using real headlights from real Mercedes-Benzes! Ride the seven-inch margin between the wing mirrors of a Range Rover and a cement curb, dodging broken glass and trash the whole way! Breathe deep in real Diesel exhaust from the city bus that you aren't taking, and experience the adrenaline rush of survival when all you wanted to do was commute.

Brilliant! :innocent:

(For added realism, Bicycle Simulator is not always there when you come back, and will simulate flat tires when you're playing on Deadline Mode.)

Just thinking: If we bury the bicycle thief backside-up we can use him as a bicycle stand! :smilingimp:
 
My husband says this is his personal favourite of the terrible Cure merchandise items we invented for a music forum:

The generic Cure concert black souvenir T-shirt signed by all the band members, in black. Impress your friends, and strangers! Comes in sizes: Simon Gallup, Robert Smith, Bono's ego.
1f62c.png


iu


I really liked this one:

Cure Fortune Cookies

Coming soon to a Chinese restaurant near you. Orders for private functions also welcome.

fortune_01.jpg


fortune_02.jpg


fortune_03.jpg
 

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