Dealing with loneliness.

[Marcus]

This has always been something I've really tried to figure out my entire life, why I'm so lonely all the time and why I ended up this way.

I've never really had a lot of friends, honestly I can only remember one time when I even had a best friend, that friendship lasted about two months.

I obviously have a family that cares about me very much, but all of my life I've wanted just one really good friend who would stick by me through it all, but at the same time, I'm not a very social person, signing up here was nerve racking and took a lot of courage.

In the real world, my mind is constantly ablaze with thoughts like "What does that person think of me?" or "What bully will I run into today?"

I've always thought that with my autism and the way my mind is and operates, that that could be the main cause of why I'm alone. In person I can never look someone in the eye, it makes me extremely nervous and trying to introduce myself to people is even worse.

Outside of work and other demands of life, I find myself just sitting in my room in the dark, listening to music and trying to convince myself that someday everything will get better.

I could go on about this for a lot longer, but I don't want to write a book here.

Thanks for reading.

 

[rainfall]

Hey Marcus,

Have you been bullied a lot in your life to have that thought constantly running through your mind?

I have dealt with severe depression the majority of my life and negative thoughts are hard to combat I know. I obviously don't know exactly what you're going through because I'm not you, but I can definitely sympathize with the pain you feel.

One thing that helps me is to think about what I'm thinking about. If you like to write whether paper or digitally, maybe you could write down some of those thoughts instead of keeping them in? After writing them down maybe you could pick one and put it on a different piece of paper and try to analyze it. Why do you feel this way? Is there history there? Where did the thought originate? How does it make you feel? In what way can you try and turn it into a positive?

Do you have any ways of calming yourself when you feel especially nervous or stressed? Deep breaths helps me. I felt stupid at first, but it really does help.

My mind is constantly on full blast as well and it's taken a long time to train it to not be extremely negative towards me. Do you take any medication or see a therapist about anything? I don't take medication personally, but I'm affected in the extremes so it's not a good thing for me. I did see a therapist for two years a long time ago and it did help some.

Go ahead and write your book Marcus, it's ok. I know I and others will read it. Do you have any specific questions or things you want to say?

Also, I'm glad you took the chance to join here and I hope you will find that most people are able to listen well and offer advice as they can.

rainfall

 

[Marcus]

I've had multiple therapists in my lifetime, none of them provided the advice or the ear I was wanting.

I never felt like they truly understood me, I was just another client to them.

I've taken a ton of medication as well and I pretty much stopped it all once when I attempted suicide. I really didn't want to bring that up, but I feel it's necessary to explain how I get.

I listen to music quite a bit, I actually posted a thread about it, but sometimes even it isn't enough to ease my anxiety or whatever I may be facing.

I barely have anyone to talk to about these kinds of things, and the few I do talk to about it have grown to not care as much as before.

A lot of my depression stems from what I mentioned above, and relentless bullying through my life. I don't feel like anyone takes me seriously. I'm just another one of those "autistic annoying people."

 

[Marcus]

In continuation on the subject, I have written down my feelings before in a journal and have found that a lot of them are the same day in and day out.

What I'm dealing with isn't something that I think will go away just because a new friend enters my life or I take a new medication, especially when the biggest problem is self esteem.

I really don't even want to go into detail on how low my self esteem is though, I blame being bullied for so long as the reason for that.

It's not that easy for me to just brush it off or let it go when someone verbally attacks me though, I realize that I probably need to "grow up" but when your mind agrees with every bad thing someone says about you, it really takes its toll.

 

[Keigan]

So as I understand, for every one bad thing that your mind interprets you need five good things that your mind interprets just to maintain balance.

So start breaking it down:
- I acknowledged my alarm this morning, good thing
- I got out of bed this morning, good thing
- I fed and walked the doge, good thing and he is obviously happy dog
- I though about taking a shower, ok I missed this one
-
- I helped someone else smile today, really good thing
-

And on.

Nobody else is going to do it for you.....

You need to occupy the bandwidth of your thoughts with new thoughts for 14 days to change how you feel about something, to change a behavior.

Get busy living...

 

[rainfall]

I see, I felt the same with the therapists, it was their job after all and they weren't listening because they wanted to specifically.

That's ok, I almost attempted it myself and have wanted to die more often than not. I've also dealt with family members attempting it as well so it's not taboo to me.

Music is also what helps me out tremendously, but it also doesn't work all the time.

It does make it hard when there is so few people to talk to and even worse when they aren't interested in truly helping or give up over time. I've had that happen to me as well. Here though, a lot of people are suffering, have suffered and are more willing to lend an ear to your problems and offer advice because they actually care.

Oh, of course not.(Things just going away) I apologize if it sounded that way in my response. I know, firsthand, that it takes a while for any changes to be made because it's all in your mindset. How you deal with and approach things which is significantly hampered from many negative experiences over a long period of time. I struggle daily with this still. I've found that baby steps, quite literally, are what helps. One tiny thing at a time.

I don't think you need to 'grow up' so much as receive the support you need to vent what is bothering you and get constructive help that builds you up. You'll still be doing all the work yourself, but knowing you have someone you can rely on to be there when you need it would improve how you feel over time. I understand it's all way easier said than done. It's difficult to find someone who is honest and loyal and willing to be there no matter what.

 

[Keigan]

I really don't even want to go into detail on how low my self esteem is though, I blame being bullied for so long as the reason for that.

Don't blame any one or any thing - take charge of your thinking so that you can gain influence over that which currently has influence over you. Show the world that you are master of your own behavior. That is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

 

[Marcus]

I don't think you need to 'grow up' so much as receive the support you need to vent what is bothering you and get constructive help that builds you up.

You have no idea how long I've waited for someone to tell me that.

I realize that getting better ultimately comes down to me, but even having someone to listen works wonders, and it's very rare that I get that.

There are things I remind myself that I am thankful for everyday, but still more often than not, that isn't enough to keep me from hitting rock bottom again.

 

[rainfall]

I understand how you feel. I've been called a lot of unkind things for not being able to snap out of it or get it together as fast as people think I should.

I totally agree. Sometimes, you just need that ear of someone who truly cares. You're not asking them to fix you, just to care about you. It's hard to communicate that when you don't even feel you deserve it or that you are irritating someone by needing it.

I'm glad there are things you can be thankful for. That's a start.

 

[Marcus]

You're not asking them to fix you, just to care about you. It's hard to communicate that when you don't even feel you deserve it or that you are irritating someone by needing it.

It's like you can read my mind, that's a little scary. lol.

Not feeling like I deserve it though is a constant, because I don't want to tell people I think I do and then sound arrogant.

One of the things I'm most thankful for though sounds really selfish to a lot of people, and it's one my main hobby *cough* Star Wars *cough* but uh.. that's another book entirely.

 

[rainfall]

Lol Well, I've suffered feeling this way for a long time, a very long time.

Exactly! See, now you're reading mine. The last thing I would want to be is arrogant.

Why does having an interest in Star Wars sounds selfish to a lot of people? I don't understand that one. lol

 

[Marcus]

Star Wars has been in my life since I was four years old, I can practically quote the movies and I've almost played every single one of the video games. I don't even want to get started on my biases and how much merchandise I have. *cough* a lot *cough*

Apparently I can't be thankful for it because it's not something that is "essential or truly matters in the grand scheme of life." but to me, it's pretty important.

Just like my music, Star Wars has gotten me through a lot of hard times. I don't mean to keep hopping on the bully train here, but that was something else they targeted, I was known as "the Star Wars freak." and people would say "Why don't you just go back to your Sandcrawler and get lost."

That bothered me obviously, but for some reason, no amount of bullying ever broke my love for it, I have a bond with this hobby that I doubt I'll ever have with a human.

 

[rainfall]

Lol About the merchandise and biases.

Ah, so what? I've heard the same crap. Who are they to say that your interests, especially ones that have stuck with you and helped you throughout you entire life, are not acceptable? I know I for one have put too much stock into what others think of me. It's hard to let go of, but I know it doesn't matter as much as I let it.

Bullies, no matter how far you go in life, you will always find one. It's harder when you're still young. I was bullied for being poor among other things. The effect does carry on, but with someone to listen and maybe help you process things, you'll be able to heal from it and not feel so much pain or be affected in the present.

I'm glad you didn't let them take that away from you Marcus. You do have strength, even if it may be hard for you to see or accept. A lot of people cave when attacked and you held on. I don't doubt you will always love Star Wars, but hopefully, you'll be able to let someone in who truly cares and also have a strong bond with another human.

 

[Marcus]

Well, I certainly appreciate you talking with me. I don't want to keep blowing up your notifications though.

I do feel like I'm not alone anymore though, and I know that there are good people here for sure.

 

[rainfall]

Lol It's no problem. If you ever wanted to you could send me a message or a pm in chat.

I'm glad you don't feel alone anymore. There are a lot of good people here.

 

[SusanLR]

Lonely is an awful feeling I am dealing with.
I've never felt I could just relax and be me without thinking about what people are thinking about me except for my parents who are now gone.
Being just with myself and the racing of my mind as my only company can be so depressing. Although at times, alone is all I want.
Facing the anxiety of being with and communicating with everyone each day is overwhelming and eventually gets to me physically with fatigue or anxiety attacks and enough build up will lead to a day of vertigo. I think it's my bodies way of saying "hey, you're taking the day to rest." As 24 hours in bed is the only way to get rid of it.
But, the idea of being with only myself and my thoughts, living a reclusive life is not pleasant to me either.
Catch 22.

 

[Suzanne]

Hello Marcus

I used to feel exactly like you, accept that I did not even know about aspergers at that point. Well, not the loneliness part; just the feeling that I wanted to be like everyone else and have friends, but I was just a bizarre person that no one would want to befriend. I tried all kinds of positive ways to get friends; but always at the initial part, things seemed ok, and then, no more and had a vague sense that the person did not like me.

For years, I reasoned it was how I looked. I must have this awful aura that repels my own sex.

Have got to a point now, that I am rather an anti social person. I am not rude to people ( I cannot be, because of extreme social anxiety and wanting to be liked), but I will now just say: no, I am not doing such and such a thing and the sense of I am wrong, as gone. It IS my choice if I do not wish to put myself in a situation that results me coming home in tears and meltdowns.

Because you are not actually alone, I will suggest this to you. I have been suffering extruciating loneliness since the end of last year. I have no idea why, but no matter how much I tried to combat it, I still felt a dreadful echo around me.

I have two sort of friends ( they do at least seem to accept me) and both are on their own constantly and that helped me balance things out. At least I have my husband in the evening and most days now, late afternoon, due his new schedule. I never dreamed what would happened next, but the very next day, and it was a bad day for me, saturday, when it makes me think that famlies are together and go out for the day etc, that my husband had to go to work for the whole day and yet, I did not suffer at all. I was competely aware that I was alone; but I did not feel lonely and today, I say goodbye to my husband and goodness me, no echoey feeling.

So, perhaps you could do the same? You do have a family who love you and thus, you are not alone.

It would be good to, to realise that actually having friends is awfully draining. It is not just one way and in truth, I do not have much mental capacity to give a lot.

 

[Suzanne]

I don't feel like anyone takes me seriously. I'm just another one of those "autistic annoying people."

I know how you feel!

Just as a tiny example. I was very excited about a new book coming out and avidly told someone who would be interested and all I got back was utter suspicion and the third degree. This person did not trust my information at all and I was thinking: have I given any suggestion that my word cannot be trusted?

Then I was in a conversation with a female and this new book came up in our chat and she was as avid as me. The man who had doubted me, came over and she said exactly the same thing as me, but he did not question her at all; he took her at face value.

I had to walk away, in case I thumped him!

Two things I think goes against me: one is that when this man talks to me, he looks at me too deeply and it is so off putting and thus, I end up giggling and being too hyeractive, which I guess does give the impression of an airhead.

Despite how popular the internet is, it is still seen as suspicious by the older generation. Despite this man beleiving he is a pro with electronics, he is just avarage and knows I am the opposite. I admire what the internet does and so, together with my very femmine look, I suppose it does not give me much credance.

 

[HelzBelz]

Gosh, Marcus, you sound like a sweet guy! And I WISH I could sit and have a conversation with someone who didn't want to look me in the eye! I'm glad you've got some good feedback above, and feeling not quite so alone. It's so hard to make the NT's in the world understand how much we need love and acceptance without being 'fixed'.
For me, it's been baby steps of acceptance of my pessimism, depression and anxiety (it's not a bad thing, it's just part of who I am), before taking tiny baby steps (without beating myself up when I fall flat) towards making small positive changes. A lot of change for me has been learning and understanding myself - I'm re-reading the Boundaries book, and one about women and work. And accepting my Aspergers and working out what I need to function adequately in the world.
You're in such good company here - and I'm glad you got up the courage to post. I think you'll find some great people here - who don't want to look you in the eye either!

 

[Chance]

This has always been something I've really tried to figure out my entire life, why I'm so lonely all the time and why I ended up this way.

I've never really had a lot of friends, honestly I can only remember one time when I even had a best friend, that friendship lasted about two months.

I obviously have a family that cares about me very much, but all of my life I've wanted just one really good friend who would stick by me through it all, but at the same time, I'm not a very social person, signing up here was nerve racking and took a lot of courage.

In the real world, my mind is constantly ablaze with thoughts like "What does that person think of me?" or "What bully will I run into today?"

I've always thought that with my autism and the way my mind is and operates, that that could be the main cause of why I'm alone. In person I can never look someone in the eye, it makes me extremely nervous and trying to introduce myself to people is even worse.

Outside of work and other demands of life, I find myself just sitting in my room in the dark, listening to music and trying to convince myself that someday everything will get better.

I could go on about this for a lot longer, but I don't want to write a book here.

Thanks for reading.

Hi Marcus,
I was reading through your posts (welcome by the way)...

So this is kind of a compilation of stuff...

Dude, I was born lonely and I have always felt alone, I get it and sometimes it sucks. Other times I am around people and want to go be alone. Its a mess.

I cant look people in the eyes very well. It sort of makes me feel wrong inside sometimes. I don't talk much at all in person. I don't know what to say most the time, and I fear its stupid, so I just don't say much at all.

ASD and other issues has kicked my butt and caused others to do things to me that a dog shouldn't have to endure. Its not an easy life, but this place makes mine better.

I think we all have obsessions even those outside ASD... but I worry myself sick over what someone say, or some look they give me, or if I think I am acting weird + 1000 other things... I actually like it when I catch myself doing this. I think you are doing it too... and actually its a good thing if you can notice it and start working through it... instead of worrying and twisting it around in you head 24/7.

Buddy, I not trying to tell you what to do... but your mentally beating the crap out of yourself. I do this also, so no judgement whatsoever. I had to stop it... It was taking me into some places I might not come back from.

So I started working who I wanted to be, and just started ignoring some assholes who were making me this worrying puppet. I always wanted to be loved. I was abandoned as a kid and some stuff happened that messed me up pretty bad. So I found myself in a more messed up place because I would go out of my way to do stuff to get people to like me... It got me used more than anything.

So I just had to start becoming me, and let the users and haters f themselves basically.
I am a caring person but when I notice people starting to control me or my thoughts...
Its now a huge red flag.

I know what it is to have zero self esteem, and I let life beat me to the point of attempted suicide. Dude dont let anyone (including me) stop you from being who you want to be.

If you want to have a healthy obsession with a band then allow it to be fine... Hell go apply to work for them maybe that would be your dream job, even if it was just set up crew... I'm just throwing stuff out there, but thats how I get out of my own funk... I start thinking about a better version of me, the guy I need to become to find that state of ever changing happiness.

Its all good, and I glad your here. People here are super nice and give you a thousand things to bounce your thoughts off of. Please don't be so hard on yourself, it only hurts worse... I do it, and I had to find ways to get past myself... Part of it is doing what your doing right now.

Your not near as messed up as you think. : )