Dealing with clinical depression on top of everything else.

[Metalhead]

Yeah, I started popping Vitamin D whenever I get out of bed in the morning, and I started using a sun lamp for 15 minutes on cloudy/rainy days, and I started hitting the gym several times a week as of a few days ago.

The constant chase of new material acquisitions were a mask. On top of Asperger syndrome, I am also dealing with heavy clinical depression. And not drinking alcohol has made that much clearer to me.

I cannot rely on external validation to fix any of this, either.

Maybe I should change my employment to being a professional video gamer, and spend the next several years clawing my way to the top of the Xbox achievement leaderboards, vastly overtaking smrnov and sacrificing my social life in the process.

Or maybe I will become a professional film critic, and my upcoming film review website will bring me into paid gigs and film festival invitations.

Or maybe my Mega Millions ticket will hit the jackpot this weekend, and I spend the rest of my life touring the planet.

Or maybe I should stop with the silly unrealistic grandiose fantasies (which I am not taking all that seriously anyway) and focus on what I need to do right this second instead.

I am thinking of starting a midnight AA meeting on weekends. That probably will help with the isolation and my sobriety.

 

[tree]

Nights and weekends can be times of temptation
and depression.

A midnight AA meeting on weekends sounds
like it would be extremely useful for many
people.

 

[Gerontius]

Or maybe I should stop with the silly unrealistic grandiose fantasies (which I am not taking all that seriously anyway) and focus on what I need to do right this second instead.

You're a little bit hard on yourself with the wording here, but I think focusing on the Now would be the best thing for your mental health--You're a smart guy. Fantasies are interesting but to re-direct them, think of them as being things you actually value, as in, you value good film criticism or you enjoy thinking of travel because you value geography, culture, and touring and then let these fantasies inform your reason about who you are, instead of being something that just feeds into a risk of dissatisfaction.

Though I'd ordinarily suggest going to bed on time, the midnight AA meetings are pretty creative. I still don't think that's going to be a very helpful thing for you, though.

At least now you do recognize heavy clinical depression! Always good to spot this sort of thing, so now you can work on treating it instead of wondering whether it's related to drinking or not. I'm impressed.

 

[D'Andre]

I think your ideas are exciting. I always liked the idea of gaming professionally.

 

[Jordy]

Why did you put so much of your time into video games? Are you genuinely passionate about them or was it just a convenient media of distraction and source of short term happy chemicals.

 

[Metalhead]

Why did you put so much of your time into video games? Are you genuinely passionate about them or was it just a convenient media of distraction and source of short term happy chemicals.

Gaming is a never ending source of short term dopamine hits.

 

[tree]

Gaming is a never ending source of short term dopamine hits.

Is that the same as saying *It was fun. I really enjoyed it.*??

'short term dopamine hits' sounds so medical and......removed from the actual experience.

 

[Metalhead]

Is that the same as saying *It was fun. I really enjoyed it.*??

'short term dopamine hits' sounds so medical and......removed from the actual experience.

It is fun, true.

 

[tree]

Thanks.
I wasn't sure, from the description.
Was abstract, to me.

I know what it feels like to have fun.
Having a 'short term dopamine hit' I don't
know how to recognize.

 

[Misery]

Honestly my first bit of advice would be "slow down".

Something I've noticed in your posts is that you seem to go from 0 to 5 billionty in like 2 seconds. You cant rush this stuff, nor can you force it either. I'm talking about things like health or mood or any of that stuff that you want to be good. Rushing and forcing aint good. If you dont take your time, the thing you think is going to help will turn around and make it worse. Even for something like exercising.

Slow down. Way the heck down. Let the new changes you've made have some time to do something, but also, dont PUSH those changes. Particularly with something like exercise. You started out not really doing any (if I recall correctly)... you cant jump straight to "climb Mount Everest". Nor can you jump straight to "feels just amazing".

(that's my perception of things you've posted anyway... I apologize if I got that part wrong)

But also, I want to point out something specific here:

Or maybe I will become a professional film critic, and my upcoming film review website will bring me into paid gigs and film festival invitations.

This here, this is actually not a bad mindset to have, in a way.

Here's the thing, and I cannot stress this enough: things that make you happy are not a waste of time. Things that you find fun, enjoyable, whatever, are not a waste of time. Of course this can depend on what that thing is (and how often you're doing it), if it's something outright dangerous like shoving used cigarettes up your nose then you probably shouldnt do it, but for the most part... your hobbies are fine.

But some hobbies, like this film critic idea, can be an even more positive thing in your life than others.

Let's say you were to start doing this film critic thing, right? Like in, I dunno, Youtube videos (just bear with me here, Youtube is always the first thing to come to mind). Let's say you did that, just in your free time (so it doesnt interfere with your job) and over time, you started getting a following. People started really watching and enjoying your content. And you started improving on it even more and putting out just some darned great stuff.

That, to me, sounds like it might be a really nice thing. That's going to not only feel good and satisfying for you, but it will also improve the day of whoever watches.

It's not just about money. Not everything has to be about money to be productive. The point is that you get up and do something that you will ENJOY. Something that isnt just "I need to do this because health". But also something that really requires that you put effort in... something that's going to challenge you. REALLY challenge you. This film critic hobby, the idea of being one, in whatever form that ends up taking... that sounds like it fits that bill just fine. And it gives other people a mood boost too when they watch/read/whatever it. That, to me, is definitely a form of "productive".

But also it's the sort of thing you *cant* rush. That one's gonna force you to do it slow (real slow) because it outright cannot be done fast. Nobody jumps from zero to "owns the internet" in 5 minutes with something like that.

The other thing I think is good though is that this sort of idea encourages positivity, because you cannot accomplish it without that. You gotta stop telling yourself "I'm just a waste of space" or whatever is going through your head. Find something to do that ISNT just work or exercise or, I dunno, dieting, where you can approach the challenge and say "I can do this, it's gonna be great, even if I fail at first I'll get there". Believe me, that's gonna do wonders for your overall outlook. Speaking from experience here. You cant just defeat depression with one type of action alone... but this type of action is still one of the weapons you can use to really start to fight back.

Am I making any sense? I just got up, a bit dazed still. Am I even typing this?

 

[Gerontius]

How are you so good at writing, Misery?

 

[Aspychata]

Yeah, I started popping Vitamin D whenever I get out of bed in the morning, and I started using a sun lamp for 15 minutes on cloudy/rainy days, and I started hitting the gym several times a week as of a few days ago.

The constant chase of new material acquisitions were a mask. On top of Asperger syndrome, I am also dealing with heavy clinical depression. And not drinking alcohol has made that much clearer to me.

I cannot rely on external validation to fix any of this, either.

Maybe I should change my employment to being a professional video gamer, and spend the next several years clawing my way to the top of the Xbox achievement leaderboards, vastly overtaking smrnov and sacrificing my social life in the process.

Or maybe I will become a professional film critic, and my upcoming film review website will bring me into paid gigs and film festival invitations.

Or maybe my Mega Millions ticket will hit the jackpot this weekend, and I spend the rest of my life touring the planet.

Or maybe I should stop with the silly unrealistic grandiose fantasies (which I am not taking all that seriously anyway) and focus on what I need to do right this second instead.

I am thinking of starting a midnight AA meeting on weekends. That probably will help with the isolation and my sobriety.

Think l notice this too, if things aren't moving along, l feel stagnant, and l have to shake up the status quo by feeling something, pleasure, success, movement forward. I always wonder is this ADHD, is it being on the spectrum? Think that's why we numb because we need to get out of our brain for a week. It's being in the now moment that makes us dwell on our conflicting feelings, which for somebody else is doing business as usual. Sometimes you can't fix unhappy, so gaming, movies, for me just dreaming when l sleep helps me. It's not emptiness, it's just discontent.

 

[Fino]

Antidepressant Skills Workbook

https://bit.ly/DWD_ref

For: Adults | PDF | Informative | Workbook that offers a step-by-step self-care guide with antidepressant skills for individuals managing depression or concerned family members, friends, or partners. Description: The Anti-depressant skills workbook offers a self guide for managing depression through self-care and coping skills: http://bit.ly/DWD_ref

National Association of Self-Esteem

Home

For: All Ages | Information | Offers lessons, activities, and up-to-date research on how to understand and boost self-esteem. ------- Description: The National Association for Self-Esteem offers lessons, activities, and up-to-date research on how to understand and boost self-esteem. Home

Stopping Stupid Thoughts

https://bit.ly/SST_ref

For All Ages | PDF | Interactive | Offers an activity for coping with and conquering negative thoughts. -------- Description: Stopping Stupid Thoughts is a PDF that provides suggestions for overcoming negative thoughts: http://bit.ly/SST_ref

What’s Up? Mental Health App

https://bit.ly/wua_r

For: Teens/Adults | APP | Immediate Support/Support | The What’s Up? App offers methods to cope with depression, sadness, stress, and more. The app has spaces to track habits, journal, and coping skills for deescalating difficult emotions. --- Description: The What’s Up? App offers methods to cope with difficult emotions through spaces to track habits, journal, and coping skills for deescalation.

 

[Misery]

How are you so good at writing, Misery?

Er... magic?

I dont know how to answer that.

 

[Aspychata]

Thank you @Fino.

I really needed these resources to read instead of antidepressants. Good post.

Since Covid, so many of us lost our normal. So we meander thru the new normal and it's tiresome, and can be depressing.

 

[Thinx]

It's good that you have recognised what's happening. You do have depression aswell, and that adds to the complexity. But you are such a bright guy! And you do take steps to act on issues. But take care aswell, like @Misery said.

And great idea about the Film critic site and maybe u tube channel. It's something you are already good at and that you enjoy.

You could maybe critique Netflix series too.? I've been watching a couple I quite enjoyed, one was in their LGBTQ area and was also semi horror where she's dealing with coming out and also getting superpowers.. that can be complicated, as many of us know. There was a great finale to series 1, hope they make another. Also one called LockeandKey there's 2 series of it, quite interesting. Magic/horror/whatever...

 

[Metalhead]

Honestly my first bit of advice would be "slow down".

Something I've noticed in your posts is that you seem to go from 0 to 5 billionty in like 2 seconds. You cant rush this stuff, nor can you force it either. I'm talking about things like health or mood or any of that stuff that you want to be good. Rushing and forcing aint good. If you dont take your time, the thing you think is going to help will turn around and make it worse. Even for something like exercising.

Slow down. Way the heck down. Let the new changes you've made have some time to do something, but also, dont PUSH those changes. Particularly with something like exercise. You started out not really doing any (if I recall correctly)... you cant jump straight to "climb Mount Everest". Nor can you jump straight to "feels just amazing".

(that's my perception of things you've posted anyway... I apologize if I got that part wrong)

But also, I want to point out something specific here:



This here, this is actually not a bad mindset to have, in a way.

Here's the thing, and I cannot stress this enough: things that make you happy are not a waste of time. Things that you find fun, enjoyable, whatever, are not a waste of time. Of course this can depend on what that thing is (and how often you're doing it), if it's something outright dangerous like shoving used cigarettes up your nose then you probably shouldnt do it, but for the most part... your hobbies are fine.

But some hobbies, like this film critic idea, can be an even more positive thing in your life than others.

Let's say you were to start doing this film critic thing, right? Like in, I dunno, Youtube videos (just bear with me here, Youtube is always the first thing to come to mind). Let's say you did that, just in your free time (so it doesnt interfere with your job) and over time, you started getting a following. People started really watching and enjoying your content. And you started improving on it even more and putting out just some darned great stuff.

That, to me, sounds like it might be a really nice thing. That's going to not only feel good and satisfying for you, but it will also improve the day of whoever watches.

It's not just about money. Not everything has to be about money to be productive. The point is that you get up and do something that you will ENJOY. Something that isnt just "I need to do this because health". But also something that really requires that you put effort in... something that's going to challenge you. REALLY challenge you. This film critic hobby, the idea of being one, in whatever form that ends up taking... that sounds like it fits that bill just fine. And it gives other people a mood boost too when they watch/read/whatever it. That, to me, is definitely a form of "productive".

But also it's the sort of thing you *cant* rush. That one's gonna force you to do it slow (real slow) because it outright cannot be done fast. Nobody jumps from zero to "owns the internet" in 5 minutes with something like that.

The other thing I think is good though is that this sort of idea encourages positivity, because you cannot accomplish it without that. You gotta stop telling yourself "I'm just a waste of space" or whatever is going through your head. Find something to do that ISNT just work or exercise or, I dunno, dieting, where you can approach the challenge and say "I can do this, it's gonna be great, even if I fail at first I'll get there". Believe me, that's gonna do wonders for your overall outlook. Speaking from experience here. You cant just defeat depression with one type of action alone... but this type of action is still one of the weapons you can use to really start to fight back.

Am I making any sense? I just got up, a bit dazed still. Am I even typing this?

Fifteen years ago, I had a film criticism website that I was promoting on film forums. I was starting to build up a rather decent following. Then my mother found out I posted reviews there weekly on Friday nights, so she decided to start making plans for me every Friday night that would take me away from my desktop and make me unable to do my weekly updates. When I caught on to that, I moved the weekly updates to Saturdays. My mom caught on to that, and she started to demand I spend every Saturday night at her house, because to her, family was more important than me trying to make a name for myself on the Internet.

I would not give in to her strong arm guilt tactics today.

 

[Metalhead]

OK, what finally convinced me to shut that site down 15 years ago was the fact that alcohol became more important to me than the film criticism website. When my mother heard I shut it down, she praised me for being mature enough to give up on that dream, and even today, she says she is happy I gave up on the blog I was “unhealthily obsessed” with.

It is hard for me not to feel like a victim when I think about it.

 

[Aspychata]

OK, what finally convinced me to shut that site down 15 years ago was the fact that alcohol became more important to me than the film criticism website. When my mother heard I shut it down, she praised me for being mature enough to give up on that dream, and even today, she says she is happy I gave up on the blog I was “unhealthily obsessed” with.

It is hard for me not to feel like a victim when I think about it.

Maybe you can start it back up again. Parents are so good at trashing ambition.

 

[Aspychata]

Lately, l have been masking my depression, because l just don't have the mental energy to deal with the thoughts. There are other things going on that physically deplete me and l have to do the minimum to get thru my basics of bills, repairs, etc.

Deep down inside, l will change my path, and get healthy but l have dealt with huge amounts of obstacles handed to me and l do what l need to. But not shopping to divert my mind has helped.

Maybe you get suggest how you have dealt with depressive thoughts?