Dating advice

[Tarmogoyf]

Hi everyone, I have some questions for y'all about dating that involve things that I have never been able to understand, including reading emotions. I have been with my girlfriend for about two months, and I recently learned from a mutual friend that my gf is really stressed right now. I had no idea, and I don't know what I can do to help. All that said, I have a few questions.
1. How can I get better at seeing my gfs emotions? I want to be able to understand how she is feeling.
2. What are things I can do fer her to help? I've been told small things like bringing her candy one day is good. Does anyone have advice on things like this?
3. Does anyone have any good books with advice that would help with the above questions, or general books about autism and dating?
Thanks for your help!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Look up and start digesting examples of "Body Language" This did not come easy to me and I had to practice and memorize, but it was necessary to reach some social goals I had.

You too can learn to reassure her and convey your concern. Then listen for her needs

 

[Thinx]

I might say, to her, (name) told me they think you are stressed, if that's right, please tell me how I can help? That way you can check with her directly rather than just hearing from this other friend. Also, she can give you ideas directly of what helps when she is stressed.

 

[Aspychata]

Or say are you stressed? Do you want to talk about this? Anything to get her mind off things, like a great meal, an excursion somewhere, a massage, just verbal affirmation, etc. Surprise her with flowers, or a giant hug if she tolerates that. I love to give giant bear hugs.

 

[Allen H]

Sounds like a gossip fest waiting to happen, to me. I'd keep my mouth shut until/unless the gf brings up the subject of being "stressed" to you.

 

[330]

Ask her for a list of things she needs from you regarding emotional support , explain that you can’t read her emotions well . So ask when she needs support to be direct and ask what you can give her. Direct and no hidden signals .
example -
NTs have hundreds non verbal signals to let you know they need a hug or to be held . Explain you don’t notice this . And ask her to tell you I need a hug .
Direct words with no hidden meaning will help both of you .

 

[Tarmogoyf]

Sounds like a gossip fest waiting to happen, to me. I'd keep my mouth shut until/unless the gf brings up the subject of being "stressed" to you.

See, thats a large part of the problem. I highly doubt she will bring up being stressed, she would expect me to realize anyways. I would keep my mouth shut if I thought she'd ever say anything, but I don't think that'll happen.

 

[330]

See, thats a large part of the problem. I highly doubt she will bring up being stressed, she would expect me to realize anyways. I would keep my mouth shut if I thought she'd ever say anything, but I don't think that'll happen.

If she expects you to realize. Good luck

 

[Allen H]

Just maybe, there is nothing much that she has to say. I mean, how far do you trust the evaluation of this "mutual friend"? Even if it is accurate, how reasonable is if for your gf to expect you to realize that she is "stressed?" If she knows that you are on the spectrum, this would be unrealistic on her part. Even if she doesn't, she should let you know if the stress is seriously affecting her and not expect you to read her mind.

 

[GypsyMoth]

Hi everyone, I have some questions for y'all about dating that involve things that I have never been able to understand, including reading emotions. I have been with my girlfriend for about two months, and I recently learned from a mutual friend that my gf is really stressed right now. I had no idea, and I don't know what I can do to help. All that said, I have a few questions.
1. How can I get better at seeing my gfs emotions? I want to be able to understand how she is feeling.
2. What are things I can do fer her to help? I've been told small things like bringing her candy one day is good. Does anyone have advice on things like this?
3. Does anyone have any good books with advice that would help with the above questions, or general books about autism and dating?
Thanks for your help!

Hi @Tarmogoyf, just spend time with her. I think that's very caring and compassionate of you that once you learned that she was stressed that you were concerned. It's good that you recognized that you did not know what you could do to help. Sometimes, just being there is enough. When things like this come up, tell her that you learned she was feeling stressed and that you want to help. Women process things by talking about them. Ask her if she would like to talk about those stressful things with you. But, be an active listener--that means, be fully present in the conversation by taking a genuine interest in what she's saying. (Which sounds like you'll do fine at.)

1.) Right now I am no help to you in how to read someone else's emotions. Just ask her what she's feeling.

2.) We like flowers. A small stuffed toy with a card for a commemorative day is nice. Take her to the zoo or a botanical gardens or on an outing with another couple to a museum. If she likes to read, find her a special edition signed by her favorite author. Have her car washed & detailed unexpectedly. (This depends on how close you are to her.) Spend time with her and her friends and family--ask them what she likes. I dunno, ask her what kinds of things you could do that would tell her how special she is to you. But flowers are always a winner, so is taking her out to dinner and a movie.

3.) Sorry, no suggestions. Haven't been there in a while.

Good luck to you! Have fun sweeping her off her feet!

 

[Mr. Stevens]

That's great that you want to learn more, to meet her halfway. You may also have to ask her to be more blunt than she would with most people, if you have trouble reading people. There's no shame in that. It also shows you care.

 

[PinkPhilodendron]

Hi everyone, I have some questions for y'all about dating that involve things that I have never been able to understand, including reading emotions. I have been with my girlfriend for about two months, and I recently learned from a mutual friend that my gf is really stressed right now. I had no idea, and I don't know what I can do to help. All that said, I have a few questions.
1. How can I get better at seeing my gfs emotions? I want to be able to understand how she is feeling.
2. What are things I can do fer her to help? I've been told small things like bringing her candy one day is good. Does anyone have advice on things like this?
3. Does anyone have any good books with advice that would help with the above questions, or general books about autism and dating?
Thanks for your help!

I am not very good at this either, but there are a few things that you can do I believe.
1: people seem to have an emotional baseline. So if she differs from that baseline something either very good or something bad is occupying her (being louder or quieter than usual, or being more rude or being even more weird than usual ...it might take more than two months though to learn her baseline) -------- just admit your weakness, so she knows you are not lazy or uninterested in her emotions. you can tell her that you are bad at reading emotions but that you want to be there for her if something is wrong. Ask her to perhaps try to be more verbal about these things so you can support her better and that you worry you might make her feel neglected because of your weakness in reading emotions. If she verbalised more it will be easier for you in future to understand her nonverbal cues as they come together as a package ------
2: depends on what's wrong with her. But there is a thread on here about love languages. If you find out hers you can show her in her natural love language that you care. This will make her feel appreciated and loved.
3: I have not found anything I fear. But this forum is a pretty good read and there is quite some content on YouTube about autism and Asperger Dating.

Good luck, you can do this!!!!

 

[foliodoe]

I might say, to her, (name) told me they think you are stressed, if that's right, please tell me how I can help? That way you can check with her directly rather than just hearing from this other friend. Also, she can give you ideas directly of what helps when she is stressed.

In my experience, neurotypical people lose patience with this approach. Eventually they'll just assume you're incapable of giving them the kind of support or love they're looking for. The right person would be more understanding, I'm sure.

But I wonder why anyone thinks it's someone else's job to make them feel better when they're stressed...

 

[kmonokwe]

I think you're already 80% of the way there by hearing the feedback and looking for ways to be sensitive and supportive. Folks here have brought up a lot of good points, and I agree w @foliodoe that its in no way your job to make her feel better. I see your goal is to learn to recognize and understand her feelings, which I think is just right - you showing sensitivity and support, and asking her for practical examples of what she likes, is perfectly appropriate, especially for the age of your relationship. I hope she'll be receptive to your heartfelt desire to understand, although it is true NTs can be offended or upset if you don't just automatically "get it." Good luck!!

 

[Kalinychta]

Really I think the more helpful thing you can do is to direct the questions you wrote in your thread directly to your girlfriend. Tell her how you feel, what you’re experiencing, what you’re struggling with, and ask her what her feelings and thoughts are.