Dating a Neurotypical

[The Lovely Lexi]

Hello everyone.
It's been a while since I've last been on here, but I was looking for some advice. Currently, I'm casually dating a neurotypical I've met online a few months ago. Since then, I've grown to feel more comfortable talking in real life (I've always felt more comfortable talking over text-as I have trouble coming up with things to say on the fly). However, yesterday we had a conversation, and I guess I'm not as reciprocating in real life/don't speak very freely. We both want to make this work, so I was wondering if anyone has any advice for the both of us. I've been asking a lot more questions than I used to, but I it's not really the same as holding a conversation. I never really have been in this situation before, so I'm hoping for some advice from people who've come out of their comfort zones a bit. Thanks!

 

[Judge]

Be patient with what you don't understand or don't like about them. No matter how upset certain things may make you, give yourself time to think about them rather than to act on them in real time.

Something I learned personally only in hindsight. Too little, too late.

 

[VictorR]

All I can really say is that if you haven't already, you might want to have a frank discussion about your respective communication styles and preferences to avoid any misunderstandings.

When I'm managing a team at work and I detect potential conflict, the first thing I'll do is schedule time for some personality tests, and then have everyone share their results. While it can't solve everything, it can prevent a lot of innocent misunderstandings from developing into something more severe.

 

[Aspychata]

All l can say is why? Sorry. Sorry, my toolbox doesn't include NT's.

 

[All-Rounder]

I used to make courage and premeditate a little bit the next time I would speak, just put a sentence together to express what I think before getting it out. It can take a while for me to get out my thoughts, and especially when I was shy towards a partner I really liked.

It got easier for me to speak in general, so I don't have so much shame about what I might say and miss my chance to say my opinion about something because the things in my head are good things that reflect me.

I started by talking about what I like, practically the interests that would interest people, I guess im lucky to like what most people like currently, health stuff and behaviors.

 

[Finder]

This is a relationship and so it is reciprocal. You will need to both understand each other and compromise. That can start with a conversation.

 

[All-Rounder]

What i see differs from me and my exes on the spectrum which you sound like in this aspect is that I detail and don't stop talking about something until I have explained most if not all things about it. And I do it without expecting questions. I just clarify and develop my idea

As far as ideas to talk about, I ask them certain things that are important to me and that im curious about. I don't know if you have curiosities or important things to know. But I have interests about people, and I also really like to explore people's minds/thinking.

I also like to talk about the things we like, and we have in common, trying to see what we each like and dislike. Things in their rooms, that makes me feel like they care about who I am if people ask me about my life and things.

 

[Thinx]

Autism can be perceived as a deficit by the world, so that you can get impacted by this even when we may feel that this is not the case and that many neurotypical others have a similar or greater level of problems and deficits.

You being subtly impacted by this can then give a sense of imbalance at times to the conversation. Other issues that can have a similar effect are gender, age, ability /disability, ethnicity etc. Yes hopefully we know not to stereotype ourselves and others, yet subtly the fact that the world doesn’t all know this, creates an effect of social stigma.

Then it's a balance between the 2 people, so you are female and neurodiverse and he is male and neurotypical, which initially places him in a less stigmatised position. But there may be more aspects that interweave for example you may be brighter than him, a higher earner, more imaginative, better looking, healthier, etc.

In terms of subtle social stigma in the balance between you, these issues can have effects even where you yourselves don't uphold such ideas, because the world and it's prejudices does affect us, and each of you will have areas where this has made a difference to your lives.

In heterosexual relationships, often the big one is gender, potentially exacerbated by the male's life chances having been enhanced by his gender and the female's having been negatively affected. But all these cultural binaries can be untrue of individuals as we know, for example a white woman born into money and privilege may be less affected by stigma than her black husband whose family weren't wealthy.

So ultimately my point here is, you can benefit from addressing those ideas, in yourself and in your analysis of conversations between you, and addressing your take on it all, to avoid assuming for example that one of you is lesser in some area, rather than simply different. You are both good enough exactly as you are, despite and because of your differences, and the beauty of intimacy is that it potentially gives us the opportunity to appreciate that about ourselves and others, if we relate with awareness.

Without awareness, we can end up shouldering the burden of social stigma that applies to our identities, and being subtly or less subtly reminded of it as a deficit by our partners. For example, we may assume a subservient role assigned to our gender, or there may be generalised comments about gender that are stereotyping, or specific comments stigmatising our perceived gender. Or ethnicity. Or neurotype. Etc.

 

[hatfullofrain]

All I can really say is that if you haven't already, you might want to have a frank discussion about your respective communication styles and preferences to avoid any misunderstandings.

When I'm managing a team at work and I detect potential conflict, the first thing I'll do is schedule time for some personality tests, and then have everyone share their results. While it can't solve everything, it can prevent a lot of innocent misunderstandings from developing into something more severe.

You do what now? How does that go down with the staff? I would find that a bit intrusive.

 

[hatfullofrain]

To the lovely Lexi. My brother-in-law was very, very quiet when he first started dating my sister. She says he hardly talked during the first meal they had together. Sometimes when they were out she would deliberately not talk to see if he would say anything. The way they got over this was to keep spending time together and become more comfortable with each other.

They've been happily married for over 10 years now and can talk freely. He even has conversations with me now. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time to get comfortable with someone and to get to know what to talk about.

 

[VictorR]

You do what now? How does that go down with the staff? I would find that a bit intrusive.

In my case, this was in social work, where we would often do our outreach work in pairs, and some of our clients have "interesting" backgrounds and so developing a strong working relationship with each teammate was important, as you have to know and trust that you have each other's backs, and be able to "read" when your partner might be uncomfortable.

I haven't had anyone say no or express reservations about participating, and in fact, some colleagues were very excited, particularly if they haven't done such testing before.

I understand that in other work environments where one doesn't have close and intimate working relationships with their peers that it may not be as appropriate, so context definitely plays a significant factor.

 

[All-Rounder]

Another idea, when people express they don't know something about me even without directly asking questions, I clarify.

Such as: 'i dont know whether you [like] ...' or 'im not sure about.... [about you]' also make sure first thing you answer questions, because my exes had missed answering quite often

 

[Brandon Brylawski]

I have found that a discussion about communication is very important. I typically say something like this: "I'm not good at figuring out what you're feeling, even when it seems obvious to you that I should know. If you tell me what's going on in your mind, I'll respond, because it matters what you think and I never want to make you unhappy. But if you don't tell me directly, if you just act annoyed or drop hints, I may not do anything. That's not because I don't care or I'm lazy, but because I honestly don't see what you're trying to communicate. I'm a little emotion-blind, especially when I'm excited about something or engaged in another activity that requires my concentration. If you have a problem or want something from me, please just ask; don't assume I'm ignoring you on purpose, because I'm not."

Of course, you should tailor the above to your own predilections -- this is just an example for me.

 

[The Lovely Lexi]

Thanks for advice everyone. Unfortunately, he changed his mind for a second time, saying he didn't feel a connection, despite him wanting to help me get out of my shell more and wanting more open nights like the last time we were together. He even bought the same Asperger's manual I got in high school. I don't know, it just makes me feel worse about myself I guess. But I'll keep all your wonderful advice in mind the next time I'm in a situation like this.

 

[Brandon Brylawski]

Lexi, if he didn't feel a connection then there's nothing you could have done about it. That emotional attraction is what gives people the drive to learn more about each other and adapt to their differences. This is true whether you're NT or autistic.
I wish that relationships could be made to work simply by dint of effort by those involved, but people's minds just don't work that way. You did nothing wrong.
You'll know it's right when you meet someone who is really taken by you and vice versa. That's when striving to communicate better and understand one another will pay off. This person just didn't have what it takes.