1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

DAE feel like conversations aren't clueless but predictable?

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Tcx, May 20, 2020.

  1. Tcx

    Tcx Beginner.

    Messages:
    50
    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2017
    Karma:
    +65
    Title.
    Hi.
    Not sure if this belongs to ASD-related issues or it's a culture thing(for those meaningless dialogues) so I put it in the off-topic section.

    Do you ever feel like dialogues can be predicted/manipulated among general people and it's such a boring thing to talk to them? I'm not sure how to phrase it.
    E.g.
    Situation: I go to the kitchen, bring cereal/milk/bowl/spoon to the table then sit down and start to eat. While the dialogues go like "hello!","what are you going to eat?", "is the -insert meal- good?", "what are you going to do later?"

    I feel like I'm trying to endure the time passing when I talk to people, waiting for the reactions(chemically) to happen and end. No important information exchange. Most of them are useless filters and they are super predictable. I feel like I'm waiting for the very rare chance to get an unexpected or valuable response. I can't stand when the dialogues are like calculating then inserting relatively proper outputs into a certain ranges. It's consuming my energy.

    I especially dislike watching movies/dramas with others since I can "predict" the following scenarios. It's all based on inference and I hate it when I use it on general conversations. It's more like: insert X if Y happens. Z or A might be followed by G or H or I. And these formulas can be done in one second so I get to predict the scenarios.

    Not sure if that's everyone's been doing since the day began or it's just me being weird. If everyone does that, how could they even endure its processing? However, if I don't "calculate" that way, the conversation would go to another side: mutual misunderstanding. It links to a thread I post before. What I'm trying to say here, again, is the "manipulation" part of it. I'm super bothered by this problem since it consumes too much of my energy which I use it for maintaining daily routine.

    Actually I found a solution to it(which hasn't widely used yet)-I just woof or meow when people ask me this type of questions. It works perfectly fine but I'd like to hear your answer regarding this question. Thank you in advance! Have a nice day!
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • Creative Creative x 1
  2. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    5,975
    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2014
    Karma:
    +12,849
    DAE = Does anyone else?

    Small talk - yes, I find that boring and rather pointless/unecessary though I do understand that it is what is normally and socially expected, the person means well so I try to tolerate it and respond positively even though I'm feeling vexed underneath. I don't always make a good job of it though, and I never initiate it.

    Popular movies are often made to set recipes or tropes, some like this, whereas others seek novelty and innovation. I fall into the second camp.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Informative Informative x 2
    • Useful Useful x 1
  3. Barymore

    Barymore Member

    Messages:
    52
    Joined:
    May 15, 2020
    Karma:
    +54
    So I have asked myself why, when I quite like rituals and structured situations I do not like the ritualised / structured aspect of social conversations? Small talk would be one example, greeting rituals another..... knowing exactly what happens when in what order is very calming, but the whole social thing mostly just irritates me.
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Agree Agree x 2
  4. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,470
    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2016
    Karma:
    +3,533
    Aye, they often are quite predictable. It is irritating. Like, what's the point?

    Though for me, it doesnt actually hamper anything. I can process lots of things at once, and very fast, so I usually dont even look up from whatever game I'm playing or anything else. I just provide the rote answers, blah blah blah, without a pause.

    Or if I am in an iffy mood, a simple "bah" or a thrown tissue box will suffice.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 2
  5. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    4,191
    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2018
    Karma:
    +8,730
    But you go along with the script, right? So from their perspective you're the same as everyone else as well? :eek:
     
    • Like Like x 2
  6. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    3,299
    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2017
    Karma:
    +6,146
    Those routine social niceties can be okay at times,
    I have scripts for answers to some questions
    (because they can be routine and predictable)
    so I'm 'playing the game' without too much effort involved :)

    The questions may not mean much to me but they have meaning for others.

    If you want to shake things up a little and lead the conversation to a level of your preference,
    change your answers :)

    You can open up a different level of dialogue just by the answer you give.

    Throw in a question of your own in your answer and hey presto! a conversation has begun.

    The examples of small talk you gave in your post suggests to me someone wanted to engage with you.

    Tailor your answer to steer the conversation. (is manipulation too)

    it's a win-win for all.
     
    • Like Like x 4
    • Agree Agree x 1
  7. Rabscuttle

    Rabscuttle Member

    Messages:
    28
    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2019
    Karma:
    +59
    There was a time when my conversations with my parents had gotten so rote that I could even predict how our fights were going to go. It reached the point where I decided to prove it. When the next one began, I let mom speak her piece, then leaned back in my chair, placed a tape recorder on the table, hit play, and let her fight a recording. Looking back on it from an objective viewpoint, I think it was damned impressive how close to perfectly I had timed it all; there was never more than a second between when she'd finish talking and the tape would pick up, and it didn't interrupt her once.

    ...Yes, you could say I know how annoyingly predictable conversations can be.

    My solution? Steer them somewhere interesting. By force, if necessary; when you respond to something inane with "if our species had evolved underwater, what kind of musical instruments would we have invented?", few people have a ready response. And the occasional conversational blow outside of your comfort zone is something the allists need no less than we do.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    413
    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2019
    Karma:
    +503

    Thank you for that - I had not come across that acronym before.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 2
  9. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    413
    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2019
    Karma:
    +503
    Yes a lot of our conversations are fairly predictable. However, I regard them as a form of social lubricant that allows other things to be brought to the fore.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  10. Barymore

    Barymore Member

    Messages:
    52
    Joined:
    May 15, 2020
    Karma:
    +54
    I agree, I just wish I knew what it was that is coming up from the deep more often. It feels like i am jacques cousteau trying to identify something with 12 arms and 17 eyes they brought up from the deep! *lol*
     
    • Like Like x 1
  11. menander

    menander Active Member

    Messages:
    159
    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2020
    Karma:
    +280
    Yes. It did drive me crazy. I had one room mate who was particularly programmed. "Hello." "Hi" How are you" "Good, you?" Good.

    Never any change or alteration.

    Then I had others who would actually talk and ask about things, "How are you? What did you do today? " etc

    But either way, I lose.

    The former is irritating because why even say anything, because it's already said. But then I realized, to them, it was like a handshake. It was an indication that we were good, no one was mad, feelings were ok, and all was good. That is all that is. It's like a test. You OK? No one can say, "Just checking in!" So I realized it was not bad, and all I had to do was smile and nod and let them know, "We're good!"

    But the latter scenario can be difficult , too. If you start to answer too deeply or let them talk too long, then things get even more draining. Either they ask more and you get roped into telling too much, or they start on their own ideas which are just as bizarre as my own. I don't want to hear about the many different kinds of concrete any more than they want to hear about what I just learned about a star.

    In the end , we make no sense to one another. Small talk helps us make sense to one another. It's just a handshake or fist bump.

    In then end, this is why I hate language. I hate it and words and all that. You can never win. But you have to have it and I am using it now to state how much I hate it. Ironic, I guess.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  12. menander

    menander Active Member

    Messages:
    159
    Joined:
    Apr 19, 2020
    Karma:
    +280
    THAT is incredible. And probably re-producable in a scientific way! How did she react??? Did it alter behavior?

    As to your second point, the trouble is one person's "inane" is someone elses' joy. They may not think talk of species interesting at all. If they asked you about their special interest it might make your eyes glaze over. But I get it. I had an hour lecture on football , something i do NOT like, by a person who was autistic and into and and trying to prove some intellectual capacity of it.

    So my "inane" was not their and their "inane" references to my ideas is not my idea of inane!
     
  13. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,812
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +10,047
    Before I was diagnosed even, I used to complain that you can't get to know each other with a mere "how are you today" or "how you liking this weather".
    I was at a church thing once and they decided to play a game, you drew a card with one of the other members names and then when it was your turn, you had to say something that described that person. It actually really irritated me - one of the elders drew my name and the only thing he could come up with was 'mysterious'. I thought to myself he was a jerk and said that only because he knew nothing, absolutely nothing, about me. I'm an open book. Anyone can ask me anything and I will answer.

    Everyone has got to know how boring and insignificant small talk is or they would include it in movies and tv shows. Could you imagine watching a movie and it be all the stupid stuff we hear every day?
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  14. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,812
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +10,047
    When I was in my 20's I guess I had decided to give it a try so I asked my aunt how she was. She told me. An hour of listening about all her ailments taught me to never ask that question again.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  15. Rabscuttle

    Rabscuttle Member

    Messages:
    28
    Joined:
    Dec 30, 2019
    Karma:
    +59
    She reacted poorly, as you might imagine; I'd even foreseen her attempts to trick the recording, and while I'd meant to send the message "we've been over this and over this and OVER THIS so many times that we could have this argument without my presence; get it through your head, I am not going to change", but she took it as "I'm so much cleverer than you that I don't take what you have to say seriously". We- well, they, actually; I still hadn't said a word- were still fighting when dad came home, saw what was going on (I'd said several times before that I could do basically what I had done), picked up the recorder and threw it out the window. The joke was on him; it was his recorder. I never tried it again, both because it hadn't had the desired effect, and because I doubted I'd be able to get the timing so perfect.

    And while you're right about interest in various topics, that's not really what I meant. Almost everyone gripes about small talk, but most people still try to engage in it. It's not about dismissing genuine questions (though I suppose some degree of collateral damage is inevitable), it's about jarring people out of a behaviorological rut; about prompting thought instead of staying on autopilot.
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
  16. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    413
    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2019
    Karma:
    +503
    I know this is just me, but I read in the thread
    I was dying in my sleep but something saved me?

    This made me think of psychopomp - Definition :- In Jungian psychology, the psychopomp is a mediator between the unconscious and conscious realms. It is symbolically personified in dreams as a wise man or woman, or sometimes as a helpful animal. Popular culture.

    So adding two ideas together and getting 6 I wonder that the unconscious is representing as
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2020
  17. Barymore

    Barymore Member

    Messages:
    52
    Joined:
    May 15, 2020
    Karma:
    +54
    @Alexej and here I go off on a complete tangent: when I wrote that post I had jules verne (1000 leagues...) in my head - but also Stephen King (not sure why....) now here you go mentioning psychopomps and I know Stephen King had a book where they played a big rolle.....I cant remember which one.:smirk: ...... AND you know how it is, I now had to ask google: the dark half by sk.