Cutting Ties With Family

[SonoranPrincess]

I have posted about the challenges of disclosing an Aspergers diagnosis to friends and family. Other than my husband and children, I confided in my sister and a cousin. My cousin didn't respond particularly well, but what really hurt was my sister's reaction to my diagnosis. She shut me out. Not a word of encouragement. She refuses to discuss it with me. So, now there is "rotting elephant" in the middle of our relationship. If she can't spare a kind word, she's out of my life.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I have posted about the challenges of disclosing an Aspergers diagnosis to friends and family. Other than my husband and children, I confided in my sister and a cousin. My cousin didn't respond particularly well, but what really hurt was my sister's reaction to my diagnosis. She shut me out. Not a word of encouragement. She refuses to discuss it with me. So, now there is "rotting elephant" in the middle of our relationship. If she can't spare a kind word, she's out of my life.

Sonoran Princess, I feel the hurt. I had to cut my parents out of my life after some pretty hurtful things got said and done. Sometimes Sometimes it's the only way, and sometimes after time has gone by, things can get better. It didn't for me, but each of us is different. I hope you can find peace, even in the must of pain.

 

[Suzanne]

What is astonishing me, is it takes me to discover aspergers, to discover, amazingly that I am not alone in cutting ties with family members. Not for the same reasons though.

I had to learn that despite a few knowing my past, that to them, it was wicked of me, so to protect myself, I rarely say these days.

Father is no longer alive and mother is an old woman now, but nothing will endure me to see her and one sister, I have nothing to do with.

If I do what is expected of me, with mother, I would end up in a mental hospital.

 

[HamburgerHelper]

I completely get it. I had to cut ties with my mom and siblings. Only, it turned out a lot of people found them mean and rude. When I had cut contact, I was astonished how many people came out of the woodwork and had grievances against them. Even the people they like were a bit put of by their attitudes and behaviors.

Turns out unsupportive people tend to be terrible people as well.

 

[SonoranPrincess]

Thanks for the support. I live far away from my sister, and extended family, so I don't have to deal with the problem often. I've resolved not to disclose my diagnosis with other people. My husband and children know, and still love and support me. So, I feel grateful for that, at least.

 

[Karin]

Your true family is the people you choose yourself. I have found myself a sister though I am an only-child and I am hugely relieved my parents are both dead. So much easier for me. So while you are supposed to love your blood relatives, it just doesn't always work that way.

Your sister might change one day but until then you have your true family, the one that supports you.

 

[Slithytoves]

Sonoran Princess, I'm sorry your sister has been so cold. I can't imagine the rationale. How selfish. When an harmless personal disclosure ruins a relationship, I guess it's for the best. You find out who a person really is.

I estranged my abusive father over twenty years ago, but it's been hard to be truly free of him because one of my sisters is still in contact and occasionally lets slip something about my life. He asks about me obsessively. The way I see it, he lost the right a long time ago.

I don't have any problem walking away from a family member. Just because we share a lineage doesn't mean we have to be tied together forever if we don't get along or have little in common. Adults have the freedom to choose.

 

[aliharperx]

I've pretty much disowned my father. I don't use my birth name on Facebook or any other social networking site because my name was given to me by him, in its very essence. He threw a temper tantrum at my mother because she didn't want to call me what he wanted to call me. He lost his parental rights about six years ago and he STILL thinks I'm gonna be all "daddy's little girl" again when he couldn't be further from the truth. What I hate most is when people try to be all 'well he's your dad and he loves you, so you need to treat him with respect' and all that ********. Lol. How about no.

 

[Adora]

Sadly it's best to have limited contact with family members like that I know that from personal experience they will cause you more harm than good and sadly you can't choose who you are related to but you can control how often you see them.

 

[pax]

I've ummed and ahhed about contributing to this thread, but as of a couple years ago, Ive cut contact with a lot of family members. I have one brother and his kids that I keep in contact with.

It's a rather long story, but the short(er) version is:
I was brought up by a callous malevolent narcissist of a mother , and an alcoholic aspie of a father who died when I was barely in my teens. I was made to feel like a disappointing embarrassment, despite keeping the family afloat by doing all the domestic chores after my father's death , and trying to keep peace between my parents while he was alive. This attitude has been adopted by 2 of my siblings.

Fast forward several years, and after much umming and ahhing, my suspicions of being on the spectrum are confirmed by a professional. On mentioning this to my mother due to work situations, she revealed she knew for decades, but did not tell me nor cut me any slack, in fact treating me a lot worse than my "normal" siblings. She told my siblings, who basically shrugged.

After calling her out on a particularly bad incidence of her manipulation, callousness, & lack of respect for boundaries, she basically told me that it was my fault she treated me as bad as she did, and if I was normal, she wouldn't have to treat me as badly as she did. I told her I wanted nothing more to do with her. I haven't.

My 2 younger siblings have bagged me out on facebook, - the brother sending an "open letter" accusing me of things I hadn't done, attitudes, I'd never had and motives I'd never held : and telling me if I didn't reconcile with her he would have nothing to do with me. I told him a few home truths, and told him if my family could not act with support and civilness (can't remember exact words) it was an easy decision. My sister cut ties for the same reason, and the fact I forgot her son's birthday (the first time I'd forgotten a birthday EVER) and she thought that was a good reason - despite making no effort to support us or our birthdays after the poop went down.

So , yeah

 

[chris30011989]

From reading this, I have a similar problem and wonder if it would make sense for me to break ties with my family too.

My story is this:-

My parents were difficult to live with, I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. Coincidentally, my parents split up after i'd moved out. From that moment on, my parents played me off against each other, which meant moving to live closer to my father rather than my mother. Both of my parents have opposite personalities, but equally are as bad as each other really and I feel stuck in the middle and they manipulate me because they can, because they know i'm not verbally expressive and making eye contact due to my Autism. Then there's my 2 sisters and 1 brother, my sisters especially who are just downright rude, abrupt and mean. One of those sisters is a control freak, just like my father is and she has totally shut me out of her life for the last 3 years and not bothered to make any effort whatsoever to visit me, my father has already put me in a psychiatric unit twice and blamed that because of my alcoholism, not because he's the nasty, manipulative control freak he is, who knows i'll never stand up to him by being verbally expressive and he'd wipe the floor with me, and the best way I can describe my relationship with my father is that I can't bear to look at him and haven't looked at him for the last 10 years. I used to nod my head to his yes and no answer questions and he nearly threw me out at 18, and then since i've just responded verbally, but instead not making eye contact. I find my father domineering and controlling, at times during arguments with me he's said to me "go back to your mother!", but both my parents played me off against each other. I fell out with my father at one point and didn't seem him for 2 years, and spent those 2 years putting the time and trust into my mother, but she let me down and couldn't cope with things, thus playing me off against my father and admitted it eventually and how she couldn't cope, and that explained why i'd made the drastic decision to resume contact with my father, but that I feel is to the detriment of my welfare which I fear could have tragic consequences such as a fatal car accident or something or road accident. I don't know what everyone else thinks, i'd have cut ties long ago if it was easy enough and having the courage to do so, otherwise i'm stuck in this predicament.

 

[Night Owl]

Hi,
I am amazed at how many of us have cut all ties with family!. I have not set eyes upon my family for almost 17 years....my problems were mainly with mum and sister.....but felt it would be easier to leave everyone behind and move far away than have to deal with another moment their narcissistic natures!....it worked, and the releif I felt once I made the decision was immense ! Sometimes it is the only way !

 

[Myrtonos]

I have cut ties with my father because he is not vaccinated. Like many unvaccinated adults who do not have a medical exemption, he relies on quacks for news about the vaccine. He, for example, believes that thousands of Americans have died from the vaccine. He also told me the Pfizer contains graphene oxide.
Keep in mind that 'after' does not mean 'because of'.

@Adora Speaking of the vaccine, I went along with an Aspie female content creator similar to you and applied numbing cream to the injection site.

 

[Forest Cat]

I have cut ties with my father because he is not vaccinated.

You cut ties with your own father because of a vaccine? That's rough, your own family. I have never heard anything like it before.

 

[Myrtonos]

The problem is his attitude towards the vaccine and his arguing about it was rough.