Curious about something

[Nemesis_2k7]

Let me start by saying, i have had this issue, and this feeling my entire life.
Basically i am a computer nerd / geek / tech guy. I have helped people out with their computers since my early adult years. And 90% of the time i have asked nothing in return. no payment, no nothing. I just wanted to help someone else out. the only time i have asked for money, is when i have needed to put food on the table. Usually i have that covered. So i do it for free.

People are indeed grateful for my "service" and they make lovely comments, the most recent one is "your the best". I felt sheepish to say the least. The one thing i have noticed, is when i need help from these people for a different matter, and i usually have a good reason for needing assistance, (for example, recently had another seizure, and called the woman who's phone i fixed) for assistance, or just someone to be with for an hour or so, as i become terrified after a seizure. And i often forget almost everything. Amnesia for around 2 hours or so. could not even tell you my name. Anyway, i was ignored. I reached out to 2 people who i have recently helped, and i give free internet access too. and one pretended not to know me, and the other, just ignored me.

This has happened ALLOT in my life. i get a feeling i am only good for specific tasks, to assist people, and then i am forgotten about. I have to tell the truth, this makes me sad. this makes me feel even more lonely. makes me feel like i am good for nothing, except helping people with tech stuff or other help, then i am just pushed aside. IS this just how the world works? IS this "normal"? reason i ask is, i don't get out much. By choice. I am a man of few pleasures, and i often stay inside. To the point where only the garbage gets taken out every few days. So i am wondering, because i am not a social butterfly, and "out there" like so many people seem to be, am i judged for this. somehow? Or am i wrong here? i am very confused. My heart is telling me i am a tool, a thing to be used, and discarded. And silly me, i keep helping people. Because i feel its the right thing to do. However, having said that, i am starting to think of just "acting dumb" and i dont "know anything about anything" that way, no one expects anything of me, and i cannot be used and thrown away. i dunno. very unsure and confused.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Unless I had a relationship with somebody outside of a specific action, like technical help, I would not lean on them for assistance.

But the things that hurt the most was when I would generously share my knowledge and experience only to be neglected for activities important to me by those people. They were just users. and I dropped them under my one strike and yer out, rule.

 

[Thinx]

Well the problem for us can be that we can do communication around a specific task like if we are helping someone get on the internet or with information they need etc, but we may be mystified by or simply don't do, unstructured social interaction as I call it.

So, the people we help with our knowledge and skills may not get any clue we are a whole person with vulnerabilities, we don't act in a friendly way that they notice, we are a helper in a specific way then we leave. They then feel anxious or suspicious if we get in touch in an emergency.

It's hard for neurotypicals to understand that people on the spectrum may not have any people at all we are close to or could contact. If they were distressed they'd contact a friend or family member. So it seems inappropriate to them that we might contact them in a personal emergency.

It sounds like you do absolutely need someone you can contact at such times. If there isn't an understanding family member or friend you can contact, a helpline or other support service or professional helper could be best. Sorry you are going through this, do you know what is causing this issue and have you been properly medically assessed in relation to it? It sounds frightening for you.

 

[Judge]

It may not be so much about you as it is about them.

In a world divided between givers, takers and matchers. Though it's little consolation for those of us who may be constantly used like a sponge.

The Surprising Psychology of Givers, Takers, and Matchers

 

[Fino]

I experienced this recently, and I was baffled as well. A lot of people don't see our assistance as something that makes them indebted to us. And really, we shouldn't think of them as indebted because that would mean we're only helping them to receive something. But if the issue is pervasive, I agree that it's a problem. If I were you, I would back off on helping people a little bit and then be more discriminative in the future with who you help.

 

[Suzette]

I like to help people when I can too and I learned long ago not to expect reciprocation.
@Nemesis_2k7, you definately need a backup plan.
Do you have a social worker? That would be the perfect person to help you find some help. But I think even better is for you to go out on a limb and try to befriend a neighbor. You aren't crazy or needy, you do need assistence though. You might have to be bold and state your case plainly. But I don't really have any good ideas. I am sorry.

What bothers me is my mom clearly needs help and I am right there but she has someone else to help her "next week". Just stuff like helping trim a bush, clear out her garage or take stuff to Goodwill. When I ask her why she didn't ask me she says "I didn't think you would want to help."
That is very hurtful because she has made an assumption about my character based on nothing! Since she never asks for my help how would she know?
I am a competent person too. But if I volunteer help, she will turn me down.

 

[Nemesis_2k7]

Well the problem for us can be that we can do communication around a specific task like if we are helping someone get on the internet or with information they need etc, but we may be mystified by or simply don't do, unstructured social interaction as I call it.

So, the people we help with our knowledge and skills may not get any clue we are a whole person with vulnerabilities, we don't act in a friendly way that they notice, we are a helper in a specific way then we leave. They then feel anxious or suspicious if we get in touch in an emergency.

It's hard for neurotypicals to understand that people on the spectrum may not have any people at all we are close to or could contact. If they were distressed they'd contact a friend or family member. So it seems inappropriate to them that we might contact them in a personal emergency.

It sounds like you do absolutely need someone you can contact at such times. If there isn't an understanding family member or friend you can contact, a helpline or other support service or professional helper could be best. Sorry you are going through this, do you know what is causing this issue and have you been properly medically assessed in relation to it? It sounds frightening for you.

It is frightening in its own little weird way. I just don't know where i "stand" with people. My family are usually pretty OK and understanding. I just don't get to see them much. I am going to try and find me a social worker / therapist. Tomorrow, i am going to call the local mental health ward at the hospital, and just see who i can contact there. It is quite difficult at the moment finding places you can also actually go into, with all the coronavirus rules. As i don't keep up with current affairs, i usually do not know what i am allowed and not allowed to do. I will figure it out though.

 

[SusanLR]

People will take and take when you give yourself away.
I like helping others, but, also soon learned it was what I gave they wanted, not association with me.
NT's certainly don't understand our being alone, so that's wierd to them.

I have no friends and no family left. I could always turn to my parents when they were alive.
I've come to the realization that government help and people like social workers are all there
is for us. And that's just their job.
They will give you all the rules on the COVID.
It is very hard to find places you can actually get into for help right now.
Wish you the best.

And welcome to the group! Tonight is the first night I've seen you here.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Nemesis_2k7, from what you are describing is a common autistic social difficulty called "reciprocation". It is one of the key things my psychologist noted during my autism testing and diagnosis,...my severe lack of social reciprocation. It goes something like this,...You meet someone you might know,...They might say, "Hi Mark! How are you doing today?" You say, "Ok",...and then don't elaborate, return with anything, you don't return with saying their name, etc. Or, it might be something like walking up to a colleague and without saying their name to grab their attention, without asking it in a form of a question, you might say, "I could use some assistance with this." You might find that you will be acquainted with someone for several weeks or months, years even,...and you still might not know their name,...or you keep forgetting what it is and by now it's too awkward to ask again.

Most neurotypical social interactions will require some form of active reciprocation process. It leads to meaningful small talk about family, vacations, hobbies, relationships, etc. Intellectually, I know what is supposed to happen,...in practice,...total mind block,...I don't have the skills. So, I get passed over for promotions despite my annual employee peer-reviews that say "I am the best", "the smartest", "a good resource", etc. I am ignored in group conversations, I don't get invited to anything, etc. I get along just fine with people,...always friendly,...I am a resource person for others,...I get calls all the time asking for advice on this and that,...but I don't have friends.

Now,...can I mask and "fake it until I make it"? Sometimes,...if I am highly motivated and self-aware. It does work. However, like many of us,...we get so highly focused upon the tasks in front of us that we just let these social behaviors slip. It definitely is not a natural behavior for me,...and for many neurotypicals, it just is from early childhood.

 

[Nemesis_2k7]

it happenes again..spent the whole day with an older woman. listening to her problems and just being there for her, whilst she was on drugs... but we all need a friend. when i was tired and needed to recover, and also now she is sober, her attitude has changed. i am beginning to see , she is rude and a user. why do i keep falling into this cycle. i am really thinking, family is the only one i can trust. i feel rather stupid. i feel i need to learn why i keep attracting people like these.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

it happenes again..spent the whole day with an older woman. listening to her problems and just being there for her, whilst she was on drugs... but we all need a friend. when i was tired and needed to recover, and also now she is sober, her attitude has changed. i am beginning to see , she is rude and a user. why do i keep falling into this cycle. i am really thinking, family is the only one i can trust. i feel rather stupid. i feel i need to learn why i keep attracting people like these.

I learned to recognize users. I am generally trusting, but if a user hurts me, it's ONE STRIKE AND YER OUT. It is not that you are attracting them, to me it sounds like there are personal boundaries missing. Learn to be your own advocate in order to take back your agency.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

i feel i need to learn why i keep attracting people like these.

One simple reason,...you're autistic.

There is a common theme on this forum,...difficulties with people. It's literally part of the diagnosis. In general, we have a social naivety that causes us to initially trust others,...primarily because we aren't reading all the social and communication signaling,...facial micro expressions, voice modulation, eye movements, body language,...and then putting it all together in a way that allows us to "read" people. It's part of the reason why, over time, we develop more and more social anxieties and tend to avoid social contact,...we've been burned by people,...over, and over, and over.