@Misery
Here's the post:
Creativity takes us down many roads. I love drawing, photography, creative writing and humour. Here is something I wrote yesterday which many of my friends enjoyed, I hope you will too:
Dieticians hate him!
A 3 course meal? You're doing it wrong. Always go main and dessert.
We don't need starters here. There's no time for warm ups, or opening acts in this entourage. None of this "pre-workout stretching" business.
Go in,
Go hard,
Tear a muscle you never knew existed,
Quit sport - it's clearly not for you.
"But a main and a dessert is only 2 courses, not 3?"
Thank you Stephen Hawking. If you're a real pro; you'll go all in for a 2nd dessert. Or you'll order in the fromage; and hit that cheeseboard harder than Dresden. That is, before you lose your feet to the diabeetus. Then again, you could always do an Oscar Pistorious - and by that I mean acquire bladed feet and get into running really fast - not shooting your girlfriend.
So many carb free and low sugar diets out there. "Hands off my trash" as the opossum and racoons would say - and I have a real affinity for animals that are considered pests, and people who are called weird. I am a beacon for the broken.
Let me tell you, I live off refined carbs and sugars and I've always been slim and toned. Admittedly, whilst I might appear normal on the outside, I'm sure my insides are running about as effectively as the No. 4 reactor in Chernobyl (post meltdown). Also, I fear the cogs in my brain are turning in a similar fashion to the inner workings one of Dali's melting clocks.
"So how do you stay so thin?"
Well, I was always being told by older, and overweight people, that eventually my metabolism would slow down. I'll have you know that my metabolism holds a land speed record. Truth be told, I think I'm burning hundreds of calories elsewhere on a daily basis. No, I'm not a chronic masturbator.
All you need do is acquire a cake, pour over some custard, add 3 tablespoons of ADHD and season it with 200% of your recommended daily allowance of Autism. Then you too will be fidgeting and stimming your way to a six pack.
"That doesn't sound healthy."
Well, if we're going to discuss sounds - Pop music is adored by billions and I believe that to be little more than a collection of carcinogenic noises. You could push a filing cabinet down a disused mine shaft and still end up with a better song than a lot of the drivel you hear on the radio.
So lets opt for the double dessert. After all; everything is better in doubles:
Double cream
Double whammy
Double Dragon
Double pneumonia
I've said it once and I'll say it again; I'd rather cash out early through excess, rather than stressing out about being healthy, or pretending for one moment that I could ever become one of those "balanced lifestyle", Lycra wearing, skimmed milk drinking, PG rated plebs.
You could argue that it's easy to say this at 35, and that I'll probably change my tune when I'm older. Realistically, life on the spectrum has always had me feeling out of tune with the expectations and beliefs of the world.
In a society that confuses, frustrates and upsets me - cake is an undeniably beautiful thing, and for a brief moment it shuts up the angry hamster in my brain that is forever spinning the vicious circles in my mind. I have no doubt that processed food is little more than poison - but I'm not brave enough for suicide, so this'll have to do.
"You shouldn't joke about suicide."
Oh believe me, you should laugh in the face of all your hardships and adversities. No joke is offensive, and it should be those who claim to be offended who should be the victims of this cancel culture we're drowning in.
Burn bright, and fade out fast. Binge on comfort foods that are making your body uncomfortable.
Let's eat all the cake and be merry. Or you could have a salad with a vinaigrette and try to pretend you're having as much fun as the guy who's eating a family size bag of tasty treats and refuses to share. After all - did we not fight the Communists to ensure we didn't have to allow other people's grubby mitts stealing our sweets?
"But if you eat healthily, your mental health will improve."
Would it were so simple. To say someone with autism is "set in their ways" is an understatement. I tried multiple times to live the healthy life, and it failed to make a worthwhile difference. Thus I felt like a failure and sank deeper into depression. I'll stick with my love of cake. I know it's an abusive relationship, but I know he loves me deep down.
Yes, I'm gay for the cake.
I'm sure I began this waffle with every intention of it being relevant or poignant. Then again it's a waffle - you can't expect too much from it. Just heat it up for 30 seconds in the microwave, add a few scoops of ice cream and crumble up a few of your favourite biscuits on top. Boom, there's your dinner.
Chef excellence.
Ed
