Could I still have a chance with her?

[Jorg]

Some weeks ago I posted a (long) story on the dating thread here but it wasn't...well...I probably made it too long and I didn't get any answers.

Long story short, I went out with an old friend from high school, she was my crush since then but I didn't do anyting because she had a boyfriend and our lives lipted up. Around a year ago (I guess) she broke up with her boryfriend and around june-july I contacted her (we've been facebook friends since high school and we had our cellphone numbers), we went out a couple of times just as friends, she invited me to her appartment and well I rushed too soon and told her how I felt about her through whatsapp, she told me thank you but she saw me just as a friend and didn't want to hurt me.

Like a month ago I told her I was aspie and that that's why I always was shy, that even when I didn't talk so much I value my friends a lot and probably went too intense and fast with her. She answered me it was ok but she wanted me as a friend and didn't want to be rude. I told her thanks for answer me and I hoped one day we could maybe hang out again, she told me ok, but later or further.

Anyway, I don't know what to do, a part of me whants her more than friends, another part knows by experience that if I pushed things I will loose her forever even as a friend. Now, the point is I know my mistake was rushing things, we had several years since the last time we saw each other and she probably was still hurted by the brake up. Even her sister told me I had to take things slow baceuse she was in a "complicated time".

I want to try going out, taking it slow and make her know me better, I guess we need to talk more, and know each other a lot more as friends and then idk. Could I still have a chance with her? or it will be a waste of time and will I end hurt?

 

[Suzanne]

Hello Jorg

This is the first thread I have seen of yours, otherwise, I would have responded, for I know what it feels like to post something and have not a single person respond.

Ok, in truth here: she is being polite but does not wish to have anything to do with you! I know that sounds harsh, but being an aspie too, I rather it said plainly so that I could move on!

Your pain will deminish and I know so well about rushing into something.

Just recently, rushed into what I thought was going to be a friendship; added to the fact that she had requested my number, so she could whatsapp me and I was all warm and fussy over the fact that I was cared about. I truly believe, however, that I did not rush into things; just felt it was great to be liked. As it turns out, I gave her too much credit and now I call her my arch enemy. She is just horrible!

I fell in deep love when I was 19 and we dated for nearly 3 years. It took me a few years to get him out of my heart, but I succeeded and then, out of no where, a few month's ago, he contacts me via facebook and sent me in a reel of emotions, but what I did recognise was that it really was my past and eventually told him that there could never be any kind of friendship between us and happily he has not got back in touch.

It is always painful having crushes. The couple I had when a teen, did not recipricate it back and it felt like my world had collapsed!

 

[OkRad]

Just recently, rushed into what I thought was going to be a friendship; added to the fact that she had requested my number, so she could whatsapp me and I was all warm and fussy over the fact that I was cared about. I truly believe, however, that I did not rush into things; just felt it was great to be liked. As it turns out, I gave her too much credit and now I call her my arch enemy. She is just horrible!

GOOD GRACIOUS how awful. I know that feeling. It feels like they were just curious, just wanted to know more about you and when they find out......bye.

I have come to realize they are not bad people (most, now your woman might be, I do not know) but most kind of want to help and then it gets all complicated.

Well, OK some really are bad, that is true.

Now I just do not ever ever ever let anyone in. Ever. Except my awesome Aspie Central Friends who are far, far away :-D

 

[OkRad]

Some weeks ago I posted a (long) story on the dating thread here but it wasn't...well...I probably made it too long and I didn't get any answers.

Long story short, I went out with an old friend from high school, she was my crush since then but I didn't do anyting because she had a boyfriend and our lives lipted up. Around a year ago (I guess) she broke up with her boryfriend and around june-july I contacted her (we've been facebook friends since high school and we had our cellphone numbers), we went out a couple of times just as friends, she invited me to her appartment and well I rushed too soon and told her how I felt about her through whatsapp, she told me thank you but she saw me just as a friend and didn't want to hurt me.

Like a month ago I told her I was aspie and that that's why I always was shy, that even when I didn't talk so much I value my friends a lot and probably went too intense and fast with her. She answered me it was ok but she wanted me as a friend and didn't want to be rude. I told her thanks for answer me and I hoped one day we could maybe hang out again, she told me ok, but later or further.

Anyway, I don't know what to do, a part of me whants her more than friends, another part knows by experience that if I pushed things I will loose her forever even as a friend. Now, the point is I know my mistake was rushing things, we had several years since the last time we saw each other and she probably was still hurted by the brake up. Even her sister told me I had to take things slow baceuse she was in a "complicated time".

I want to try going out, taking it slow and make her know me better, I guess we need to talk more, and know each other a lot more as friends and then idk. Could I still have a chance with her? or it will be a waste of time and will I end hurt?

I am sad to say the same......she wants to be nice, which is a good thing, but she does not want more . I do think it's a waste of time, but so is watching Netflix, so if you know that you might get hurt and do not care, then feel free to do what you feel would be best for you. But be ready to get hurt and if I were you, I would not do anything to get too emotionally involved.

 

[Rich Gray]

The girl next door growing up was perused by a boy in college. He would bring her flowers and whatnot. She was initially not interested. Somehow they ended up dating, and got married.

I am not sure what the chances are, but perhaps occasionally sending flowers, and whatnot could work. Then again one could also appear to be stalking, so get some advice from some of your girl relatives.

Also try to date some other girls.

 

[WittyAspie]

Suzanne said it best. She is likely just trying to be polite. She may simply need some time to figure her life out. I wouldn't push the issue.

 

[ksheehan88]

I also believe it sounds as if she is trying to politely let you down Jorg.

If you can be friends that's great, but I think if you push with anything else you'll push her away entirely

 

[Suzanne]

they were just curious, just wanted to know more about you and when they find out......bye.

I was just going to say that you amazingly "hit the nail on the head" ( ouch said the nail) with her just being kind, but a memory of how she is around me, shows it is worse. I am in shock that it appears the last and only time I spoke to her, was to commend her on an excellent demonstration, because she is annoying very good, her response was just so weird. I went from face blind, to being hyperaware! I noticed how UNCOMFORTABLE she looked and it confuses me and the only thing that came to mind is that she does harbor bad feelings, but I threw kindness at her and she could not cope with that! Well, in a bizarre way, I felt sorry for her at that point and thought: I won't inflict my self on her anymore, but unfortunately, she has become superimposed in my vision now. As soon as she walks through that door ( it is open) it might as well be just her and me! So in a crazy way, it is like love, isn't it? Because when you really are into someone, they become your focal point and yet, love is not what I feel hehehehe.

 

[Suzanne]

so is watching Netflix

LOL Not that I am a film watcher. Prefer books.

 

[OkRad]

I was just going to say that you amazingly "hit the nail on the head" ( ouch said the nail) with her just being kind, but a memory of how she is around me, shows it is worse. I am in shock that it appears the last and only time I spoke to her, was to commend her on an excellent demonstration, because she is annoying very good, her response was just so weird. I went from face blind, to being hyperaware! I noticed how UNCOMFORTABLE she looked and it confuses me and the only thing that came to mind is that she does harbor bad feelings, but I threw kindness at her and she could not cope with that! Well, in a bizarre way, I felt sorry for her at that point and thought: I won't inflict my self on her anymore, but unfortunately, she has become superimposed in my vision now. As soon as she walks through that door ( it is open) it might as well be just her and me! So in a crazy way, it is like love, isn't it? Because when you really are into someone, they become your focal point and yet, love is not what I feel hehehehe.

I get that with people at certain times, they become my focal point. The way you described this whole experience is SO EERILY like what I have experienced! Right down to that way they get almost startled when you are around, like they secretly just killed your dog or something. Like, "Oh! HEY! Hehee.....GOOD TO SEE YOU!!" Smile, smile, like they are hiding something or just found out something about you and you don't know that they know.

This causes me to shut totally down with those people. When they say "OH! HEY!" I look at them with steely eyes as if I DO know what they don't want me to know, as if they HAVE found out something by digging and now i KNOW, too.

If they did dig, then everything is as it should be because I have relayed to them that I know.

If they did not, then at least I am the one who put distance between us.... not just them. It's my way of saying, "Oh, I get it. I am reject YOU, too." It's a way to preserve the scrap of sanity I have left.

Now if they were to come up and outright ask me if everything is OK, I would be polite. Polite and very, very brief. A "Yup" or "Yeah, just tired".

Eventually I am able to go back to treating them like everyone else, but it can take A WHOLE YEAR!!! A whole year before they can walk into a room, and like you said, it's not just that person and me.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh! HEY! Hehee.....GOOD TO SEE YOU!!" Smile, smile, like they are hiding something or just found out something about you and you don't know that they know.

Oh my, that is exactly how she behaves around me. I can hear her high pitched, overly bright voice and it makes me feel so sick, because I could never do that. I am happy to be friendly with everyone, but they insist something different and that actually makes me hate their very presence. I do actually feel a sense of relief that I have made a conscious decision to snub her and if she has any decency in her, which surely she must do, she will ask me what is going on. It is ok if she doesn't like me, but I want her to say that, because as strange as it sounds, I can stop obsessing over it.

 

[OkRad]

Oh my, that is exactly how she behaves around me. I can hear her high pitched, overly bright voice and it makes me feel so sick, because I could never do that. I am happy to be friendly with everyone, but they insist something different and that actually makes me hate their very presence. I do actually feel a sense of relief that I have made a conscious decision to snub her and if she has any decency in her, which surely she must do, she will ask me what is going on. It is ok if she doesn't like me, but I want her to say that, because as strange as it sounds, I can stop obsessing over it.

They almost NEVER ask what the trouble is. They think it's just you. I have never had anyone ask if I was OK once this dynamic starts. If they did, I would just smile and say YES.

I am very curious to know how this pans out for you and how long it takes to get her back into the background. It took me one year each for the two I am thinking and another (who was a quasi-dating partner who jacked me around like crazy) well, that took A LOT longer because he kept saying yes, no, yes, no yes no yes no yes no.......

Thank God (I mean that literally) I never got too involved if you know what I mean. I saw the handwriting on the wall and though I was sucked in emotionally and somewhat financially (he kept doing things for me), I was not sucked in any other way.

 

[Suzanne]

They almost NEVER ask what the trouble is. They think it's just you. I have never had anyone ask if I was OK once this dynamic starts. If they did, I would just smile and say YES.

I had it done once! This woman I know has rather a sharp tongue on her and despite me saying that I really would appreciate it if she did not say such and such etc etc, that would be great; but she kept on and on and in the end, I could not stand the sight of her! Every time she spoke, I felt sick with hatred. I was polite as I could be, but she realised something was going on and actually came out to see me and after the inital: I am fine, because she insisted, I clumsily explained and she actually cried and said she knows she can be awful and she will try harder. Since there, I have had another episode with her, but realise that it is her and so, just adapt myself around her.

I highly doubt this other woman will do the same thing, because it is a different level. I know she cannot stand me and so, in reality she is hardly going to try and make peace with me.

I am very curious to know how this pans out for you and how long it takes to get her back into the background. It took me one year each for the two I am thinking and another

I am curious too, because this will be the first time that I have to be in this person's air space for a long time. We both attend the same meeting ( spiritual) and she has rather an important role, so whether I like it or not, she is around for a good while and so, will I be able to put her back in the background? I think I will be able to actually, because ever since making that mental decision to snub her ( which is hard, because I am not that type of character), I don't panic so much when she enters the room; I just make very sure that I am never in a situation where it is obvious that something is going on, because I suspect that it will come up me, rather than her.

 

[Jorg]

Thanks for your answers. I'll take them in count.

It is difficult for me, maybe even weird, sometimes I believe I think of social/love relationships on terms of a math or engineering problem when I struggle for an answer and if I get an "error" I just go back to where I made the mistake and try to obtain different result. Clearly social interactions are not that way.

As far as I know her she's a sweet girl, I may not be her best friend but we used to talk back then in high school, we had similar music taste and we even studied electronic engineering almost in the same college (I say almost because even if we wanted to go at the same one the college required to pass an admision test and only I passed it, she didn't) but sometimes we used to talk about electronics and stuff.

On the other hand, well she has a "wilder" personality than mine, she goes out more and well she has a job (not related with electronics, she hasn't ended the carrer) while I'm still studying (and struggling) and not make so much money, altough I don't think that's a real problem I'm more limited on spends.

 

[Rich Gray]

I don't know let her know that you were thinking about settling down sooner or later, and figured that she would be an excellent choice (use candidate) logically being that she is (a) smart (b) a girl, that is (c) your friend. Apologize and tell her that you hope she will forgive you. Perhaps you can ask her if she knows any girls that would be a good fit for you to date.

If anything being an engineer is a bonus, we import engineers as we (at least in America) do not make enough of you guys. Sooner or later you are likely to get a good paying job. All the engineers I know make good money and live in nice areas, in nice homes that can be rather quite huge.

Once you get yourself a house set up, then this will likely add to your chances in the dating world. People can see themselves living in a nice house, that is in a nice area. Living in a house in a nice area is likely to be one of the things that is on a persons checklist of things they want in life. I would think that this would be a rather big item listed in the good column right next to a comfortably high-ish income.

If the girl is not thinking about these things, then the girls parents are . . . as they want her (and any potential grand kids) to eat and stay warm. The girl will likely listen to all the nice things her folks say about you, because you could make them feel safe via keeping their little girl (and any potential grand kids) fed and warm. An engineering job will do that and then some extra.

-----

Think about it. You are dating several girls, and are not committed. You are essentially interviewing girls to find one that you like the most, and have the most success in raising a family with. You narrow it down to two girls that also show interest in you. They are each intelligent, educated, and pretty. They both check all of your check-marks off of your list.

One is from a wealthy family that owns an ice cream company in Italy (my friend stayed with a crazy wealthy family in high school that was set up like this). This girl has a grandfather that flies to Vegas on the weekends, just about every weekend, because he can, and they are crazy rich.

Your kids would have the best education money could buy, and would have a higher likelihood of professional success in life.

I would select the ice-cream girl.

You could be the ice-cream girl. Your brain makes you money (will make you money). Smarts is definitely a good thing. You check all of your would-be mates boxes, and you win the tie. Then you date exclusively. Then you both fall in love. By the time you know it you have grand kids running around screaming about ice-cream.

 

[Jorg]

Something very weird happened to me in the last two days, is it normal? well, since yesterday all my feelings about her just vanished without any reason, just like "poof". I used to spent time thinking about her and all th stuff and trying to not text her and now that even my pysch encourages me to talk to her an invite her to go out (with other friends of course) I just lost all interest

 

[Bolletje]

Something very weird happened to me in the last two days, is it normal? well, since yesterday all my feelings about her just vanished without any reason, just like "poof". I used to spent time thinking about her and all th stuff and trying to not text her and now that even my pysch encourages me to talk to her an invite her to go out (with other friends of course) I just lost all interest

Well, sounds like a good first step of letting go. Since she's repeatedly told you she just wants to be friends, this seems like the best thing that could happen to you.
It's a lot easier to give her some space when you're not constantly thinking about her, right? Just see where things go with your feelings, and if somewhere down the line you find yourself wanting to hang out with her, throw her an invite for hanging out casually instead of with the intent of wooing her.

 

[GeoGuy]

Something very weird happened to me in the last two days, is it normal? well, since yesterday all my feelings about her just vanished without any reason, just like "poof". I used to spent time thinking about her and all th stuff and trying to not text her and now that even my pysch encourages me to talk to her an invite her to go out (with other friends of course) I just lost all interest

That might be a good thing.

It will certainly help you move on if it is the case that you feel little now.

I have to agree, she is not interested. It has happened to me many times. She is being polite and any further action will be seen as stalking and harassment and she will block you completely out of her life.

In all honestly, I think you should even end your friendship with her totally. Even if she asks to be friends, say no. The truth is, she probably won't contact you again out of her own, now that she knows. Sorry, I know it's harsh, but I have so much experience with this. Contact with this person will always leave a "door" open if you know what I mean. The hope never fades.

In my case, the girl breaking contact with me and ending our friendship was the best thing that happened to me. It hurt in the beginning, but eventually I could get over her.

She's not the one.

They key is now to simply to keep believing in yourself. You are an awesome person and the right girl is just around the corner!

Once you meet your new love, you will see that it is a thousand times better than what a relationship would've been with this girl now.

I am very happy that my first "love" blocked me, because I met an amazing girlfriend after her who I loved even more than I could ever have loved her.