TL : DR - I either talk too much or too little; either way it seems to make others and myself feel tense.
Not long after a conversation has begun, I find I want most of them to end. Personally, I've always felt like this made me rather obnoxious. It wasn't until I read about the spectrum that I could put a name to some of these social difficulties.
Two people at my last workplace described me in words that stuck with me - one called me "a very particular person" whilst the other described me an "quite the enigma." Most people don't get to know me well enough, so conversations are deliberately kept short and interactions are at a minimum. I always remember to be polite - even if I'm not a chatty person, I don't like to be rude, as I have an overwhelming sense of guilt towards all aspects of my existence.
People who I do get on with will see more of me, and if I'm really comfortable around people - then I drop the filter, and all sorts of strangeness and erratic energy comes out to play. So, if I'm having fun I won't want conversations to end, until I burn out. But more often than not, I will actively try and cut conversations short.
I have concentration issues in conversations, and this probably stems from my upbringing - my parents will talk anyone's ear off. It's very much one sided conversations and they just don't stop talking at you, rather than to you. It's tricky to have to mask so heavily around your own parents. My brother is also on the spectrum too, but he seems more comfortable and certain of who he is. He is more outgoing and talkative than I am. I really have to be "in the mood" to talk and even then, I burn out quickly. Around my family in general I'm rarely outgoing, which is a far cry to how I used to be as a child. It's not great if I'm with my parents and others, as my mum has a nasty habit of making me the butt of a lot of jokes. She ridicules me and makes lots of jokes at my expense. It's been that way since I've been an adult, and it hurts.
I'm used to zoning out in conversations, since most don't hold my attention, or capture my interest. As such, my responses are always brief. When things continue beyond comfort I will zone out - this helps calm me down, as I focus on another task and make the conversation become background noise. I know it's not polite, but I use it to try and end conversations. I start to reply with "yes" or "no" answers - in fact, an average weekly phone call to my parents can be 40 minutes long and all I really get to say is "yes" and "no" whilst they talk constantly.
There's only a few people I can converse back and forth with quite readily. I feel more at ease conversing via text and in such instances with friends I will be very outgoing and quick witted. I think this is because when a thought comes to my head I can just type it out. There's no hesitation like there is in real life conversations. The concentration issue swings both ways - I'm either zoning out, or I'm overthinking every facet of what's being said, meanwhile I'm sat in silence and seem withdrawn and visibly uncomfortable. My partner notices it whenever we attend social gatherings - everyone around us will be talking and the whole room will be loud and busy. Meanwhile there's me, staring off into space, or focusing on something insignificant, like the pattern in the wood of a table for 15 minutes.
When I'm with someone I get on with well, I can talk a lot. But as soon as there's more than one person I will observe the conversation until I grow tired/uncomfortable and have to leave. This has happened quite a bit in recent months on Discord. We have a channel for a video game we all play.
We have a few regular people on the server I started. One guy is on voice chat daily and we usually chat daily for an hour or so. The back and forth is pleasant, and I find I'm more outgoing with him and can speak my mind more freely. When other people join I grow increasingly distant as the number of people increases.
There's a few on this server who dominate conversations. They talk nonstop and one of them has become a lot more active recently and in voice chat he's constantly making jokes. Everyone is laughing and this encourages him to continue - he seems to feed off it and it makes him more energetic. The only person who isn't laughing is me. So I grow weary, and then start to feel awkward, and finally I begin feeling angry. By that time I've been pondering my exit from the chat for at least 10 minutes. Sometimes this hesitation can last over 30 minutes.
Small talk I try to shut down quickly. For instance, getting to work on Monday:
"How was your weekend?"
"Same old"
Often I think I'd like to say more, but I don't want the conversation to continue - there's too many variables; whereas when I say "same old" I know it's tried and tested. A routine that's comforting - if a little boring. In a voice chat though, it can be tricky - wanting to be a part of the conversation, but struggling to. There's also the timing issue: when you have 3-5 people and I'm say there trying to work out when to say something. It's like trying to cross a busy road during rush hour.
One issue I've had increasingly happen is I say something and someone begins to talk shortly after I've started - and they always seem to respond to what they say, rather than me. That never makes me feel good. It's usually an overwhelming feeling of frustration, sadness and anger.
It's strange really, I'd found the daily chatting with my friend on Discord had helped my mental health. But now this guy is on the voice chat daily as well, I find it's actually making things worse. In fact, for the first time in 2 months I didn't go on the voice chat last night, because whenever I checked on the server my friend was there with him.
Thing is, when it's just me and the guy who always makes jokes - he's sensible around me. We don't do small talk, and we actually talk about stuff in depth. Still, he tends to talk at me - and I don't enjoy that.
So, I suppose it mainly depends on content and personality. If it's small talk - I will be deliberately brief to make it stop. If i'm interested, I will talk a lot - sometimes to the point of making people feel awkward (similar to what my parents do to me). Usually I just observe. What's interesting with regards to the joker, and people in general is that I think of jokes to situations momentarily before other's say it out loud. I wonder why I don't have the courage to say it for myself. In fact, whilst getting a laugh can feel nice - it tends to feel a little too intense for my liking. Any praise in general makes me feel rather off kilter. I feel good, but also sick, nervous and worried. It feels like I can't process a good thing in a healthy way.
Anyway, sorry - that went a little off topic, and as usual - I feel like I talked too much. It's strange though - for all my strange and awkward behaviour, I seem to make a good impression on everyone I meet. People think I'm a nice person - if a little odd. There's also hobbies and talents I have which stand out, so I guess I can rely on actions speaking louder than words to demonstrate who I am as a person. Also, at work I have a strong work ethic, and around other's I find I'm instinctively helpful. So whilst I might not be the best conversationalist (unless the mood takes me), at least I know that my presence doesn't go unnoticed.
Ed
Weaponized autism.
