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Featured Constant repeating/badgering, could use advice

Discussion in 'Parenting & Autism Discussions' started by rainfall, Feb 9, 2020.

  1. rainfall

    rainfall Playing in the rain =P

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    I just want to try to figure this out. You don't have to be a parent to answer.

    He's done this for a long time but it's increasingly more frustrating to me. He'll ask me a question or say something and then repeat it two or three times without giving me a chance to say anything in the meantime. If I don't answer instantly, he will usually start again in increments of three in the exact same tone he started with like I didn't hear him or angrily if he's in a bad mood. A lot of times this was said with a whine or anger but he'll also say it a lot just in normal conversation. He'll do this consistently when I'm already talking or busy driving, etc.

    I used to have the best patience and mostly still do, but it runs thin quickly with him when he does this. The repeating can quickly turn into badgering. He is not even listening to my answer so even if he stops because he was distracted, he will start all over again once he remembers. A lot of times he is yelling. He does have consequences for his behavior and as soon as they are carried out and sometimes before, he'll suddenly realize what he's doing and start crying, he almost always apologizes at some point after and asks if I'm happy. I don't answer the happy question most times because it is irrelevant to the issue at hand. (The happy thing started after his dad left almost four years ago and is usually only asked after he knows he pushed me too far.) By this point, because I'm an undiagnosed Aspie myself, (he is diagnosed with autism), I'm either shutting down so I don't get loud or getting loud and he cries. I rarely yell because I don't want to and he's sensitive enough just me getting loud and serious but it's becoming a major problem. I take deep, calming breaths, I pray, but I'm completely worn out mentally by days end most days and this behavior is a major cause of it.

    I home school him and he is an only child so he's not starved for attention. He has plenty of time he does what he wants and has his time alone. I have asked him but he rarely tells me how he feels and the reasons behind things. He won't draw it out as he hates to draw and color unless he is in the mood to do so. I've even turned it around and asked him, even modeling the behavior, to ask him if he'd like it if I did that to him. He always gets stressed out quick and agrees it wouldn't be fun. It takes the majority of the day of it from him before I start to have issues. Does anyone have any advice that can help us both as to why he might be doing this and/or techniques or anything else we could try? I appreciate anything in advance and for reading my long post.
     
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  2. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

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    My son does not speak, but he does badger my wife like that in non verbal ways. I.E. crawling all over her, getting right in her face, taking away her cellphone, eventually if she doesn't do what he wants, eventually he melts down.

    One thing that helps for her is using picture cards showing his schedule and choices he can make, they do the same at school.

    He rarely does this to me, I think because he tried and (heartbreakingly) I just let him melt down, the first day the meltdown was about 3 hours, the second day about 2 hours, the third day was about 1 hour. After that he kind of figured out that he couldn't badger me. Because of this when it's just him and I he behaves much better.

    That all being said, I think you are doing a wonderful job keeping your cool and explaining to him things. I think that perhaps even though it seems like he's not listening, he really is and will hopefully eventually change his behaviours. It is also sweet that he cares if you are happy, and also maybe shows that he's realizing that he's stressing you out, but can't control what he's doing at the moment.

    I've noticed my son goes through stages of ups and downs, and hopefully this is just temporary. Keep strong!
     
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  3. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi, how old is your child? It sounds tough for you both, and I imagine most families have some similar times. However, just from what you've said so far, his behaviour sounds like it's quite automatic, more like an anxious stim than meaningful talk, and I wonder if you saw it more like him expressing anxiety, you could feel differently about it, and that might at least calm you down, even if he can't easily stop doing this.

    So I suppose my suggestion is, do less. Don't take it personally, he's probably expressing anxiety and can't easily contain it. You feeling calmer will help both of you. Probably too, it would be good for you to have support for yourself, and some time to relax and not feel pressured to be there for him, are there people who support you, or ways you can get down time?
     
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  4. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    Don't be a martyr. Both my children (who have both been diagnosed Aspergers) wanted to be home-schooled and I had to say no because I knew I wasn't cut out for it. Your son might need to be in a program where someone besides mom is with him the majority of the time. Kids dump their very worst behavior on their moms because they figure they can get away with it. Well, if mom also happens to have autism, that can be a super-human burden for her.
     
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  5. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Can you agree when he starts to repeat that he substitutes a new behaviour like using a spinner toy. Just place several of these around, or a small squishy ball? At first you can hand him distraction and say you are repeating so try squeezing this or spinning this. He maynot be aware how much he is relying on this stim and this will help him start to recognize it and take responsibility himself. Just a thought.
     
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  6. rainfall

    rainfall Playing in the rain =P

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    Thank you all for your replies.

    Major Tom,

    My son used to do the same to me as your son to your wife before he was verbal.

    I understand. Sometimes it's something that's not pleasant for either the parent or child but is best in the long run. Right now, he would just continue but that might've worked when he was younger.

    Thank you so much for your compliment! I often feel like I'm not doing enough, which most parents feel I think. Right, sometimes it's obvious he's doing it on purpose and listening to me but other times he's so in his head about it that he really isn't paying attention at all to what the answer is, just that he's getting the question out. I can see the difference and it takes way longer to get to me when it's not on purpose.

    Me too! My son does the same but some ups and some downs last a really long time and the strangest things usually change it.
     
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  7. rainfall

    rainfall Playing in the rain =P

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    Thinx,

    He's 10. I'm sorry I forgot to mention that. I try to remember all the details and usually put too many and have to go over and scale back my posts.

    I will pay attention to this because sometimes it may 100% be true. His dad used to ignore him so he had to repeat himself but I don't ignore him so I'm not sure why he does this to me. He didn't used to until his dad left but of late he does it very often. It could very well be what you assume. It's not just the one time he does it that gets to me, it's a continuous stream of it all day long and mostly when he's yelling and demanding that does. I can be patient and calm the majority of the time and he does know to wait his turn.

    Not really. I've only been away from him 5 days since he was born and that was because I was in the hospital years ago with an illness. His dad moved fourteen hours away when he left us and my parents have medical issues that prevent them from being able to spend time with him for any decent amount of time. We go to church two days a week where he isn't with me and he has speech therapy once a week I have to get him back into but at the moment, that's about it. I want to do more separate activities but I'm not able to currently. Down time would only be if I stayed up later than him but I've already got lack of sleep so I don't do it often.
     
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  8. rainfall

    rainfall Playing in the rain =P

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    GadAbout,

    Thank you for your advice. I know that home schooling isn't for everyone but currently, he wouldn't learn anything in a school environment because he's too active and easily distracted. I refuse to put him on meds as my personal opinion so I believe this is the best option for him right now. He's not always like this but it has become a problem lately whereas it wasn't really before. I should also state that he's pretty much the same to anyone, anywhere we go.
     
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  9. rainfall

    rainfall Playing in the rain =P

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    Aspychata,

    I hadn't thought of that so I thank you. Unfortunately, he doesn't do hand stims for long. He has always been the child that a stim will work for a very short time and then never again or rarely again. He calms the best with a mouth stim. The issue is that it isn't consistent and he almost always refuses when I offer it to him. He's taken it a couple times and once a couple weeks ago helped him calm from a huge tantrum that led to a meltdown. He chewed on it for close to an hour before he was completely calm. I can and will keep it on hand to try though. Again, thank you.
     
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  10. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

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    Have you ever tried chewing gum? Maybe if you could find a flavor he liked it could help the issue you are having?
     
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  11. rainfall

    rainfall Playing in the rain =P

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    I did think of that Major Tom. That was a stim I didn't realize I had all throughout my life. I was always the kid with gum. I do have a flavor he likes and I currently have it on hand so I'll keep it closer like the chew he likes. :D
     
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  12. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝

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    It sounds like OCD to me. My ASD2 son has that as a co-morbid condition.
     
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  13. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member

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    I did wonder the same as Crossbreed above.
    The increments of three, the starting all over again if distracted.
    Perhaps becoming a ritual in order to soothe? Gain some control?
    (unable to control other areas of his young life, trying to control his immediate environment?)



    Was dad 'unhappy' before he left?

    If you're "happy" then maybe you wont leave him ? (according to his logic)
    May, or may not be currently relevant particularly if you're both stressed at the moment?


    Why you?
    You are his rock.
    You are the safest place on the planet, according to him.
    He can dump on you and still be loved.
     
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  14. rainfall

    rainfall Playing in the rain =P

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    Crossbreed,

    I hadn't thought of that. I have a different type but it's not as invasive as when I was a child. Thank you for your thoughts! I will definitely pay more attention to that. I just looked up OCD and apparently there are four types.
     
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  15. rainfall

    rainfall Playing in the rain =P

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    He's definitely very opinionated and domineering at times, trying to force his ideas and thoughts onto others. I have talked to him many times about this in short bursts about how he can't make anyone feel the way he wants anymore than I can make him feel the way I want. It doesn't work like that. We have gone through a lot lately and things have settled down some, so that could be a reason it's worse than it used to be.

    Yes, very. His dad was not nice to him often or ignored him the other bit of time. We both have been better mentally, emotionally and physically since he's left us. I did actually ask my son about this and one rare time, I did get the answer that he feels that way, that I will leave if I'm not happy with him. He had separation anxiety too, which still comes out every once in a while. I have reassured him many times that I won't be leaving him voluntarily (can't do anything if I die, which is difficult to explain to him) and that I love him no matter if he is screaming or being great.

    Exactly. He knows this to be true for sure. I'm not going anywhere no matter what negative behavior he exhibits. He used to be very violent and isn't anymore with a lot of work, except rarely and usually to stuff and not people. He's come a really long way already and I'm very proud of him for putting in all the work he has to get here. :D:)
     
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  16. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

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    @rainfall, I often take a while to put my thoughts and words together to answer a question. I've found that it helps to give an immediate response like, "Let me think about that" or "Give me a second to get my thoughts together."

    That way, people know I'm not ignoring them.

    I don't know if you replying like that will help your son wait for an answer. Perhaps he'll understand that it takes him some time to give an answer, too.
     
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  17. rainfall

    rainfall Playing in the rain =P

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    Nervous Rex,

    When I'm not talking to someone, I do give an immediate answer, even if it's that I need to think about it. When I'm talking to someone, he knows to be patient and wait his turn and I will get to him in just a moment. He is still working on his patience, however, so sometimes he can wait and other times he butts in and talks over. In this instance, I quickly tell him to wait and let the other person finish what they were saying or do so myself and then immediately address him.

    As I've read advice and thought about this a lot I'm realizing there may be other factors at work along with the possible ones noted by those here on the forum. I'm going to work on this a bit more.

    He did take his chew just a bit ago, but did get to the point of yelling, demanding and crying for over a half hour before doing so. He has since calmed down a bit for the moment. I really appreciate that advice given here.
     
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  18. BlueSky Aozora

    BlueSky Aozora Well-Known Member

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    i'm not sure if you believe in God or not, but.... May God bless and help you and your child. Your patience is so admirable..
     
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  19. rainfall

    rainfall Playing in the rain =P

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    I do very much believe in God, he's my everything. Thank you! I'm definitely not the best but I'm doing what I can to help him be his best. :)
     
  20. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Maybe with time and he will mature more. The youngest years were trying for me emotionally. Just a big grab bag of feelings, after early twenties, my brain quieted down a lot.
     
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