Connection

[daniegirl6224]

What is it that makes you connect with others? Like the vast majority of people I don’t connect with at all. Even almost every work relationship I have- with people I work with every day- are completely superficial. But throughout my life, there have been select individuals that I really do connect with. Why is it so different with them?? I would assume part of it is that these select individuals have the qualities of being accepting and nonjudgmental. Sometimes shared interests play a role but not always. Do you have other insights into why we do connect with specific people but not the majority?

 

[Judge]

What is it that makes you connect with others? Like the vast majority of people I don’t connect with at all. Even almost every work relationship I have- with people I work with every day- are completely superficial. But throughout my life, there have been select individuals that I really do connect with. Why is it so different with them?? I would assume part of it is that these select individuals have the qualities of being accepting and nonjudgmental.

Agreed. And I share the same questions. I suspect many of us do. If I really knew, I'd hope that I could use it to my advantage. However to date it remains a mystery to me as well. I can only say that for those few people I do attract, that they too are "different" in various ways whether as friends or lovers.

Sometimes shared interests play a role but not always. Do you have other insights into why we do connect with specific people but not the majority?

I can only say that it was always my impression with the few girlfriends I had that I was "different" in ways from my fellow male peers. Though I always made it a point never to inquire about their past relationships either. Oddly enough I can't say I had many special interests in common with any of them beyond photography.

Though perhaps the most important relationship I had and lost was from someone I met at work. The one time I absolutely pursued her without the reticence of my past in being too careful with women I liked more than just as a friend. I just couldn't help myself. Something very different about her, though it turned out to be much more complicated than I imagined.

Your post also reminded me of the stark difference between socialization in high school versus college. High School was mostly just a serious of unhappy interactions compared to college, with meeting people who were both accepting of differences and not so judgmental.

 

[daniegirl6224]

Agreed. And I share the same questions. I suspect many of us do. If I really knew, I'd hope that I could use it to my advantage. However to date it remains a mystery to me as well. I can only say that for those few people I do attract, that they too are "different" in various ways whether as friends or lovers.



I can only say that it was always my impression with the few girlfriends I had that I was "different" in ways from my fellow male peers. Though I always made it a point never to inquire about their past relationships either. Oddly enough I can't say I had many special interests in common with any of them beyond photography.

Though perhaps the most important relationship I had and lost was from someone I met at work. The one time I absolutely pursued her without the reticence of my past in being too careful with women I liked more than just as a friend. I just couldn't help myself. Something very different about her, though it turned out to be much more complicated than I imagined.

Your post also reminded me of the stark difference between socialization in high school versus college. High School was mostly just a serious of unhappy interactions compared to college, with meeting people who were both accepting of differences and not so judgmental.

This is such an interesting topic to me, I would love to know the answer to connection. Have your romantic relationships been different than what you expect other people of having? I’ve found that mine have been extra intense (in a good way) and deeper than what I think most people experience. Curious if that is the case for others too. But then in most interactions with other people I completely struggle to relate. It’s weird.
I agree with you, post-high school socialization has overall been better for me too. Not great in most instances, but better.

 

[daniegirl6224]

This is such an interesting topic to me, I would love to know the answer to connection. Have your romantic relationships been different than what you expect other people of having? I’ve found that mine have been extra intense (in a good way) and deeper than what I think most people experience. Curious if that is the case for others too. But then in most interactions with other people I completely struggle to relate. It’s weird.
I agree with you, post-high school socialization has overall been better for me too. Not great in most instances, but better.

**@Judge sorry if that was too personal for a public post! You don’t have to reply!

 

[Judge]

This is such an interesting topic to me, I would love to know the answer to connection. Have your romantic relationships been different than what you expect other people of having?

You could say that...lol. Frankly the few girlfriends I had whether in short or long term relationships definitely had issues as significant as my autism which was unknown at the time. Coincidental or karma? I have no idea....

But to know more, yes- you'd have to PM me.

 

[daniegirl6224]

You could say that...lol. Frankly the few girlfriends I had whether in short or long term relationships definitely had issues as significant as my autism which was unknown at the time.

But to know more, yes- you'd have to PM me.

Yes sorry!!

 

[Judge]

Yes sorry!!

Nothing to be sorry about...but the forum has certain rules to be followed.

In looking back at virtually all my more intimate relationships with women, I don't think any of them were within any kind of "social mainstream". Not that I sought people like that, it just seemed to always turn out that way.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I had no idea I was on the spectrum until in my mid fifties Now I realize a lot of my friendships were with others on the spectrum. I thought at first the common factor was we were all 2nd generation, so being slightly different in culture made the friendships. Now it makes more sense. Incidentally my wife a seventh generation Canadian. If not for her ancestors and associated German families Toronto would not Exist. They built the houses roads.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

What is it that makes you connect with others? Like the vast majority of people I don’t connect with at all. Even almost every work relationship I have- with people I work with every day- are completely superficial. But throughout my life, there have been select individuals that I really do connect with. Why is it so different with them?? I would assume part of it is that these select individuals have the qualities of being accepting and nonjudgmental. Sometimes shared interests play a role but not always. Do you have other insights into why we do connect with specific people but not the majority?

#1. Reciprocity. I say this because this is the only thing that I can think of that my wife and I have that other relationships do not. We are equal partners in everything. We give a lot to each other. We accept each other. We never criticize each other. As opposed to my children, because there's a "glass wall" between us. It's been like that since day 1. Even as infants and toddlers, their mom was their "go to" person, not me. I could never console them, it was always their mother. It was rough sometimes when my wife was at work and I was taking care of the kids. If they got upset, they just got more upset if I tried to console them. Perhaps, I was a bit too Stoic. I never threatened, I carried out what I said I would. There was a "healthy" respect there. I could play with them, teach them things, etc. but I think they were sensing "something off" about me even then. The relationship seems superficial, but not for a lack of trying. We don't have a bad relationship, per se. We get along just fine, but there's not the deep connection that I think we should have. My children have bonded with my wife, their mother, and whenever they come over to the house or call on the phone, I can be present, but they interact through her.

 

[daniegirl6224]

#1. Reciprocity. I say this because this is the only thing that I can think of that my wife and I have that other relationships do not. We are equal partners in everything. We give a lot to each other. We accept each other. We never criticize each other. As opposed to my children, because there's a "glass wall" between us. It's been like that since day 1. Even as infants and toddlers, their mom was their "go to" person, not me. I could never console them, it was always their mother. It was rough sometimes when my wife was at work and I was taking care of the kids. If they got upset, they just got more upset if I tried to console them. Perhaps, I was a bit too Stoic. I never threatened, I carried out what I said I would. There was a "healthy" respect there. I could play with them, teach them things, etc. but I think they were sensing "something off" about me even then. The relationship seems superficial, but not for a lack of trying. We don't have a bad relationship, per se. We get along just fine, but there's not the deep connection that I think we should have. My children have bonded with my wife, their mother, and whenever they come over to the house or call on the phone, I can be present, but they interact through her.

Thank you for this. I have wondered a lot about this too. My partner and I are trying to have kids and I am so curious what it will be like, and if I will connect with them in a deeper way.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Raised two kids, they know now Dad is different so are uncles and aunt. Mom is conduit.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Thank you for this. I have wondered a lot about this too. My partner and I are trying to have kids and I am so curious what it will be like, and if I will connect with them in a deeper way.

As a mother, I would think, and hope, this bond would be strong, autism or not. Mothers often have a different relationship with their children than the father.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

As adults we all get along great as I do with all my siblings.

 

[Xinyta]

#1. Reciprocity. I say this because this is the only thing that I can think of that my wife and I have that other relationships do not. We are equal partners in everything. We give a lot to each other. We accept each other. We never criticize each other. As opposed to my children, because there's a "glass wall" between us. It's been like that since day 1. Even as infants and toddlers, their mom was their "go to" person, not me. I could never console them, it was always their mother. It was rough sometimes when my wife was at work and I was taking care of the kids. If they got upset, they just got more upset if I tried to console them. Perhaps, I was a bit too Stoic. I never threatened, I carried out what I said I would. There was a "healthy" respect there. I could play with them, teach them things, etc. but I think they were sensing "something off" about me even then. The relationship seems superficial, but not for a lack of trying. We don't have a bad relationship, per se. We get along just fine, but there's not the deep connection that I think we should have. My children have bonded with my wife, their mother, and whenever they come over to the house or call on the phone, I can be present, but they interact through her.

I entirely agree with this.

In a more general sense. I do think alot of learning comes from interaction with others. We all are built with instincts that intrinsically have us behave in certain ways toward our environments and people around us.

It's a commonly stated thing that NTs can pick up on if someone is autistic. Even if they are not aware that it's specifically what the person has. Though we also can pick up on things that NTs miss or aren't in focus as much as they are for us. Sometimes it more a case of increased sensitivities to things NTs blend into thier background.

But overall. I think as humanbeings, we all can pick up on people on some level due to just how we sense thier aura. How they present themselves. How they carry themselves. How they act. Things we subconsciously are analyzing at all times. And allowing for a full connection with that intuitiveness, can maybe help with where words fail. Because it's more about learning a person by how they are. People aren't aware that how they are, shows who they are.

What I mean is that each person has a way about them, that presents all the information you need to know about thier personality. And I feel this could be an advantage we NDs could potentially have over NTs. Where words fail, the soul/conciousness will feed through energies and body language. Using both our natural logic and what we intuitively sense, in tandum. We can interpret people without words. Of course Alexithyma can be a mild barrier. But feeling and knowing emotions, are two separate things. As interpretation will be individualized.

This is probably a bit of confusing tangent I went on. It's just something I've been thinking about alot.

 

[SusanLR]

I don't connect with most people either. The ones I have felt a connection with is just that...a feeling. Hard to explain.
In the presence of certain people, I feel instantly at ease. Others instantly not at ease with. I've always said it's just something I feel.

Also, in retrospect, I know a lot of those I felt comfortable with and liked were also
on the spectrum. After learning I was, in my mid-fifties, I can see that now.

As far as romantic connections, for me they were more superficial and not so intense as they needed to be for it to last.
I have no idea how it would have been with kids. I never had any.

 

[Neri]

Ah connection, that elusive thing that is either there or not there. Of course one can feel it and make one and then not have the waywithal to keep the relationship going. As an Aspie this is the story of my life. I have to be either situationally in contact with someone, i.e. a job that we work together at, or some other interest related situationship, or, they are neurodivergent themselves and we are "in sinc" otherwise, forget about it. I even struggle to keep contact with my children, for the most part. I force myself to interact, it's a constant "whiteknuckling"; No wonder I've suffered from so many burnouts.

 

[Misty Avich]

Usually feelings and emotions make me connect with people more than anything else. I don't know why. Maybe because I have a high EQ, I think?

 

[AprilR]

I am nearly always masking with people so i also don't connect with others. There have been very few people i could be honest and open with and none of them are in my life right now.

I don't know if i even want to connect to anyone tbh, as i feel that most people don't really want autistic or disabled people round them

 

[daniegirl6224]

I am nearly always masking with people so i also don't connect with others. There have been very few people i could be honest and open with and none of them are in my life right now.

I don't know if i even want to connect to anyone tbh, as i feel that most people don't really want autistic or disabled people round them

That is such a good point! I, too, mask almost all of the time when I am outside my home… and I do not connect with anyone while masked. Thank you for this realization. I am sorry you do not have anyone in your life that you connect with right now I hope you are able to find someone you connect with

 

[AprilR]

That is such a good point! I, too, mask almost all of the time when I am outside my home… and I do not connect with anyone while masked. Thank you for this realization. I am sorry you do not have anyone in your life that you connect with right now I hope you are able to find someone you connect with

Yes, it is impossible to connect when you are masking. But being rejected over and over you become too depressed and at some point just mask to be accepted.

Thank you, i doubt there are people who would be okay with an autistic friend or spouse where i live. I wish there were irl communities for autistic people everywhere.