Confusing socially considerate requests

[Moomin]

So, a few days ago I was asked by my dad to ask first before I used something. Naturally, I assumed that he meant ask in general but now after asking everyone to double check before i did what I wanted to do, I get the drama from my mom that I’m “annoying her now”... because also only a “little bit sick” and so I’m being “pathetic “.

I’m not. I’ve been avoiding her because I haven’t really been well enough to muster much energy to do much and I’m also mindful of her immune disease condition, so she can’t afford to get sick. And imagine if she did, I’d get the blame.

Is this turning into a rant?

Anyway, I was under the impression that I was to check with everyone before I did what I was going to do for this particular action, it wasn’t made clear that I just check with dad. For fudge sake, I genuinely thought I had understood and was doing something acceptable and socially considerate of what was requested of me but now I’m extremely confused. I won’t be bothering to check again. It’s just too much stress and confusion.

 

[Pats]

You're being considerate trying to keep away from your mom while you're sick. I don't go around my grandbabies if I'm sick, or think I might be coming down with something.
The asking before using something - is that also for your mom's benefit germs being spread via hands? Or because he's possessive with some things?

 

[Autistamatic]

Asking if someone minds is usually to be taken in context - you ask the person(s) who will be directly affected by what you intend.
"Do you mind if I use your laptop" only should be said to the owner of the laptop.
"Do you mind if I have the last muffin" might apply to everyone who was sharing the muffins.
Looking at your situation above it's a bit difficult to tell because either your father didn't give you any idea of context over asking for consent or you haven't included it in the post.
Are you supposed to ask for permission for using specific items but not others? Does he want you to ask the owner as well as anyone else that might want to use it? Is he regarding himself the arbiter of who may use what in the house?
Boundaries are essential for most people, especially on the spectrum, so a clear understanding of what is expected needs to be clear from the outset or mistakes are likely to be made.

 

[Moomin]

You're being considerate trying to keep away from your mom while you're sick. I don't go around my grandbabies if I'm sick, or think I might be coming down with something.
The asking before using something - is that also for your mom's benefit germs being spread via hands? Or because he's possessive with some things?

I take a while in the bathroom sometimes. Embarrassing to admit this. So he asked me to check before I went in, just Incase he wanted to use it first. I don’t mind this but it seems to be More problematic if I get a response like that from my mom and an “yes I know “from my sibling. So I don’t really know anymore...just seems to have messed me up more to create stress.

 

[TheFreeCat]

I take a long time doing certain things, too. Like in the kitchen or showering, etc., so I actually do tell people before I go in and say, "Do you need to use the washroom before I go in?" or something like that. I would not mind if they reminded me.

I can see your difficulty, though, because if you live with a lot of people, it gets complicated. I can assess one person or two, but then with three or four, it would be harder.

For instance, one person may really be being kind about it. Another may get snarky. Another may resent it. Another may get mad that they have to pee now instead of wait for nature , just cuz I gotta go take a shower.

THEN, on top of that, you may not even be the only who takes a long time! You may be REGARDED as the only one who takes a long time because you have autism and all that. But someone may take just as long and have NO INSIGHT whatsoever that they are taking a long time because they don't care and don't introspect.

So when you try to point THAT out.......phhhhh..."What? You are the one with autism!"

So it DOES get tricky. Living with people is a nightmare. So far, in my whole life, there have only been about three or four people I could ever live with......and they are certain family members.

But one at a time! If I lived with all three at the same time, it would get hard.

 

[Pats]

I take a while in the bathroom sometimes. Embarrassing to admit this. So he asked me to check before I went in, just Incase he wanted to use it first. I don’t mind this but it seems to be More problematic if I get a response like that from my mom and an “yes I know “from my sibling. So I don’t really know anymore...just seems to have messed me up more to create stress.

If I have an overnight guest and going to take a shower, or staying with someone I will ask if anyone needs the bathroom before I take a shower. But I would not appreciate if I had to announce every time I went into the bathroom. Your bathroom needs are just as legitimate as theirs and I'm sure they also don't want to announce when they go. It's everyone's responsibility to not wait until they can't wait any longer.

 

[Autistamatic]

I've lived in a few shared houses as an adult. It's easy when it's just you and a partner but when you have several adults at once, family or not, friction arises at some time. I've always tried to establish a rota based on people's commitments. Who takes longer, no has to get to work earliest, who gets up first and try to arrange a compromise. If people cooperate the friction dies away quickly and no need to ask permission unless they have to encroach on someone else's time for some out of the ordinary reason.

 

[Moomin]

It’s just insane. My mom has apologized, I guess that’s good because she didn’t know about this (and we have two bathrooms, even if I use one he still insists to use the one I’m in) and I’ve had dad clarify on what he means. Still confusing. But at least I’m not getting throwbacks from mom.

Why can’t people be clear about what they want you to do? I’m not a sphinx were riddles are a thing. It’s not just this instance though. I’ve had several before over various things (some even ridiculous) and I still don’t get it. Then again, they’re non-related people, my family especially my dad know that I have AS. And they still do these mistakes....

 

[TempeFan]

Shortly after we moved in, we installed a second throne in the basement. It's cold and icky down there but if the hall bath is occupied and I really have to go, it's there. They say married couples start to look alike. We haven't done that, but as our bladders got old and crotchety, our tinkle time urges synced up. We tend to both jump up at the same time and start toward the bathroom. That's when we have to call it to determine who gets to go first. He's also regular as clockwork, an hour first thing in the morning and another whole hour before bedtime. As part of our daily routine ettiquette, he's required to kiss me and give me a minute to dash in there first before he goes in for his am and pm BMs. Most guys I know have no problem announcing their bodily functions.

I agree, everybody in every household should be equally considerate of each other and learn to share. As an Aspy, people always get really upset with me for doing exactly what they SAY they want instead of what they actually (wink wink) do want, but when I ask for clarification they just get angrier. It's not easy to figure out what people really mean and want. One just has to hone their observation skills and give it their best shot. It's a lot better when you find housemates who are willing to use their words instead of demanding you be clairvoyant.

 

[Moomin]

Shortly after we moved in, we installed a second throne in the basement. It's cold and icky down there but if the hall bath is occupied and I really have to go, it's there. They say married couples start to look alike. We haven't done that, but as our bladders got old and crotchety, our tinkle time urges synced up. We tend to both jump up at the same time and start toward the bathroom. That's when we have to call it to determine who gets to go first. He's also regular as clockwork, an hour first thing in the morning and another whole hour before bedtime. As part of our daily routine ettiquette, he's required to kiss me and give me a minute to dash in there first before he goes in for his am and pm BMs. Most guys I know have no problem announcing their bodily functions.

I agree, everybody in every household should be equally considerate of each other and learn to share. As an Aspy, people always get really upset with me for doing exactly what they SAY they want instead of what they actually (wink wink) do want, but when I ask for clarification they just get angrier. It's not easy to figure out what people really mean and want. One just has to hone their observation skills and give it their best shot. It's a lot better when you find housemates who are willing to use their words instead of demanding you be clairvoyant.

I must be able to read minds....

 

[Theta.G]

I must be able to read minds....

Nt's and their double speak:
Look, but don't touch!
Touch! but don't taste!
Taste! ... don't swallow.

If this wasn't about your parents, i would recommend reprogramming the way you think of them.

 

[Moomin]

Nt's and their double speak:
Look, but don't touch!
Touch! but don't taste!
Taste! ... don't swallow.

If this wasn't about your parents, i would recommend reprogramming the way you think of them.

It’s confusing because they know! I had roommates at university and that was hard — could argue that they weren’t aware of my AS so they aren’t really inconsiderate but family should know by now. I’m not even difficult! I’d understand if I was. I like words to be clear and concise.

 

[Theta.G]

It’s confusing because they know! I had roommates at university and that was hard — could argue that they weren’t aware of my AS so they aren’t really inconsiderate but family should know by now. I’m not even difficult! I’d understand if I was. I like words to be clear and concise.

Oh yes, i understand where you're coming from. Some people are just toxic and it doesn't matter if you're the best roommate anyone could expect in this age. They'll take their own problems and push them onto ya.

 

[Moomin]

Oh yes, i understand where you're coming from. Some people are just toxic and it doesn't matter if you're the best roommate anyone could expect in this age. They'll take their own problems and push them onto ya.

You’ve just described my mom.

 

[TempeFan]

You’ve just described my mom.

And mine!

I'd like to say to her, "You don't expect a deaf person to hear your inaudible voice. You don't expect a blind person to see your confusing gestures. You don't expect a dyslexic person to make sense of random letters. You don't expect a wheelchair bound person to jump up in response to your every whim and vague hint. You don't expect a Down Syndrome person to join Mensa. You don't expect an Alzheimer's patient to remember what you had for breakfast yesterday. Yet everybody has always expected and demanded all this of me, an Aspergers sufferer, who was born without the ability to comprehend or process this type of non-information. Why do you do this to me, the only person who has ever tried to help you??????" There's no possibility she will listen or give me a straight answer.

I wasted over 50 years being the perfect daughter to no avail. Parents who know what their child needs and are not willing to even consider providing it or even communicating in a kind decent rational manner, DO NOT CHANGE. Had you explained your AS to your roommates, they would have rejected or respected you based on their own whims and biases. Big risk there, but someday you will be able to pick more compatible people to live with. Meanwhile don't beat yourself up over other people's shortcomings.

 

[Moomin]

And mine!

I'd like to say to her, "You don't expect a deaf person to hear your inaudible voice. You don't expect a blind person to see your confusing gestures. You don't expect a dyslexic person to make sense of random letters. You don't expect a wheelchair bound person to jump up in response to your every whim and vague hint. You don't expect a Down Syndrome person to join Mensa. You don't expect an Alzheimer's patient to remember what you had for breakfast yesterday. Yet everybody has always expected and demanded all this of me, an Aspergers sufferer, who was born without the ability to comprehend or process this type of non-information. Why do you do this to me, the only person who has ever tried to help you??????" There's no possibility she will listen or give me a straight answer.

I wasted over 50 years being the perfect daughter to no avail. Parents who know what their child needs and are not willing to even consider providing it or even communicating in a kind decent rational manner, DO NOT CHANGE. Had you explained your AS to your roommates, they would have rejected or respected you based on their own whims and biases. Big risk there, but someday you will be able to pick more compatible people to live with. Meanwhile don't beat yourself up over other people's shortcomings.

I have only told three people that I have AS. My family know because they were told before me at diagnosis. The first, was a friend who I thought would understand because her parents were psychologists...but unfortunately, she didn’t want to know. That was hurtful. The other two are wonderful but I wouldn’t live with them. My choice.