Confusing relationships with other Aspies

[Frostee]

So, I believe i’ve mentioned having an Aspie acquaintance at University (not a friend)this year.

We last went out about three weeks ago, for food. I haven’t heard from this person since I went home, no contact at all.

I am just wondering now if this person even values this Acquaintanceship or understands what it was? Did I misinterpret it? Does this person not want to speak to me anymore?

I’m not really sure what to do when I go back to University, due to the radio silence.

It just seems that most of my Aspie social relationships are lax, where I have to contact them repeatedly or I never hear from them? Is that a familiar pattern with anyone else?

It’s never been clear what their intentions are so far as friendship or where I stand with them.

I don’t know. I’m just sort of confused as to why this always happens. I.e we go out, they seem interested in friendship, then all of a sudden things tail off and I don’t hear anything from them unless I contact them.

I don’t know if it’s my fault or theirs?

I am really confused right now. Not sure how to proceed or if I should forget about it.

Should I just stop bothering with Aspies, socially?

It’s just frustrating because I cannot determine for sure whose fault this is.

I mean I know it sounds stupid coming from me? BUT HOW does a person with Aspergers show that they’re interested in you as a friend?

(I just wonder if this person knows how a friendship plays out. I don’t think he’s had friends in a long time)

 

[Thinx]

Perhaps they are waiting to hear from you?

 

[Major Tom]

I get the tapering off effect too, but not just with aspies/auties, all relationships in general. I guess it really doesn't bother me though, I'm kind of a loner.

 

[Fino]

I'm one of those people!

With very few exceptions, meaning, like, five ever, I don't contact anyone first. If my friends stopped contacting me, it would just end forever.

But I have many friends who continue contacting me, so I should probably send a thank-you letter to God or something.

Just yesterday, a friend of a friend face-timed him then he wanted to talk to me and he seemed to miss me very much and I was confused at first because I could barely remember ever really knowing him. I was awkward for ten minutes then pretended to miss him too, finally. Later, I did manage to recall that we had hung out several times.

I once slept (literally) with someone and never contacted him and he didn't contact me and we haven't talked since LOL

I once asked someone out through text, he ignored me for a few days, and I forgot I had ever texted him, then he answered me and I was so confused and ignored him and nothing ever happened LOL

But anyway, about YOU, I have MANY times, gotten lunch or dinner with an acquaintance/friend, and I was a HOOT, lovely, lots of laughs, and afterwards I was perfectly fine with it never happening again and it usually didn't.

Once someone did get mad at me, but I didn't realize she was mad until she told me years later after she had stopped being mad so I'm pretty sure we're good now.

For the most part, I just don't see it worth the effort of planning social interaction. I work full-time, practice piano a couple hours a day, read an hour a day, AND want several hours of nothingness to keep sane.

Random, pointless social outings don't fit too well into all of that but do happen on occasion. Like yesterday. I'd like to stop for at least a month now.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I'm one of those people!

With very few exceptions, meaning, like, five ever, I don't contact anyone first. If my friends stopped contacting me, it would just end forever.

But I have many friends who continue contacting me, so I should probably send a thank-you letter to God or something.

Just yesterday, a friend of a friend face-timed him then he wanted to talk to me and he seemed to miss me very much and I was confused at first because I could barely remember ever really knowing him. I was awkward for ten minutes then pretended to miss him too, finally. Later, I did manage to recall that we had hung out several times.

I once slept (literally) with someone and never contacted him and he didn't contact me and we haven't talked since LOL

I once asked someone out through text, he ignored me for a few days, and I forgot I had ever texted him, then he answered me and I was so confused and ignored him and nothing ever happened LOL

But anyway, about YOU, I have MANY times, gotten lunch or dinner with an acquaintance/friend, and I was a HOOT, lovely, lots of laughs, and afterwards I was perfectly fine with it never happening again and it usually didn't.

Once someone did get mad at me, but I didn't realize she was mad until she told me years later after she had stopped being mad so I'm pretty sure we're good now.

For the most part, I just don't see it worth the effort of planning social interaction. I work full-time, practice piano a couple hours a day, read an hour a day, AND want several hours of nothingness to keep sane.

Random, pointless social outings don't fit too well into all of that but do happen on occasion. Like yesterday. I'd like to stop for at least a month now.

Kind of disappointed no-one has been set on fire, like a couple of your other posts.

 

[Suzanne]

I bounce off others and so, I would not contact first, as I would not be sure if I was welcome. I would, however say that perhaps the other aspie found it too overwhelming and why not been in touch.

If you can, try getting in touch to see what is going on.

 

[Jojo_LB]

I rarely contact first, unless that relationship is meaningful to me.

I've met some pretty cool people in my life with whom I wouldn't have minded being friends. But I've never seen or heard from them again. It's a two way street after all! But I admit, if they aren't close to me already, I probably won't contact first. Too much effort to maintain friendships IMO. It's tiring and confusing!

 

[Tom]

I'd say what you have there is an acquaintance. If they were interested in developing a closer friendship you would see some more activity on their part maintaining contact. It doesn't mean it might not grow at some point in future. If you make repeated attempts and get no response just leave it be and move on to something else, whether they are NT or on the spectrum. It would be incorrect to conclude however that people on the spectrum never are interested. You yourself (as well as many others) disprove that. We do invest in friends and relationships. At most you might say people on the spectrum tend have have a smaller group of friends then NTs. But even that has exceptions.

 

[Anarkitty]

I am uncomfortable contacting others. I can do so, sometimes, but I don't like to. I think it boils down to too many times of misreading a situation and being rebuffed. If a person contacts me, though, I can be certain that they actually want my company.

If I wanted to contact another Aspie, I think I'd take the blunt approach: "I had fun with you. Are you interested in hanging out again?" Straight forward, so they don't have to worry and wonder what you're actually trying to say. I think it would also be an invitation to communicate naturally in response, whether the answer is yes, no, or maybe.

My oldest son is autistic, too, and the only time that I really have trouble understanding what he's saying is when he's trying to give me NT answers. I'd probably understand if one of his brothers responded in the same way, but it feels unnatural and confusing from him.

 

[Clueless in Canada]

I have not initiated any relationship in my life, ever. I do not like to make phone calls and I spend days or weeks contemplating messages or e-mails before sending them. None of that means I don't want to be friends with a person but it does mean that I don't have a lot of energy to devote to it. Sometimes a person is an acquaintance for many years before becoming a closer friend, since it takes time to develop an attachment and some trust.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I'm one of those people you doesn't tend to contact friends/aquantances. It's not a sign tha I don't want to be friends or that I don't value them, I tend to be very happy when they contact me (if I genuinely like them... I find a lot of people annoying or boring).

The reasons I'm rubbish at communicating are many. Prior experience makes me assume that other people won't really like me so I expect communication to be unwelcome. I tend to be focused on the present and forget anything else. I don't know what to say. If someone contacts me with a message that isn't a question I tend to assume that a response isn't required. I'm not hugely socially motivation so I tend to just follow the other persons lead in forming relationships, meaning that if they don't make the effort the friendship will fizzle out. Luckily I have friends who do make the effort.

This all applies up until the point where I become truly very close to someone, at which point I will make more of an effort. This happens rarely.

 

[Monachopia]

I guess I'm one of those people who goes radio-silence on people. I don't initiate conversation or suggest meeting up again, simply because I don't want to bother someone. I just have the perpetual thought that they're 'just being nice to me' rather than actually wanting to hang out... If someone repeatedly contacts me then that shows that they like my company, then I might contact them on occasion without prompt, but even that is hard. I don't know how social interactions work, really.

So in your case, it might be that they don't know how to contact you again or what to say. Maybe like Fino said, they sort of forgot about it because there wasn't much contact after - or rather enough 'wanting to know them' to warrant the more "normal" person of the two to initiate another conversation or meetup.

All I can say is, if you liked this person, contact them again and see if they'd like to grab another coffee. Aspies are slightly harder work to befriend as social interaction isn't necessarily the priority or it's just harder to understand if it's ok to text someone and when. I've seen a few threads on the forums asking for advice on what to do in these situations from the spectrum side, they're usually confused as to what the meeting meant and what is the best thing to say or whether to text at all. In general, it seems making the first move is a massive stumbling block. So it's up to you whether you'd like to be friends with the person or not - might mean initiating contact first a few times before it becomes mutual though!

 

[Frostee]

I'd say what you have there is an acquaintance. If they were interested in developing a closer friendship you would see some more activity on their part maintaining contact. It doesn't mean it might not grow at some point in future. If you make repeated attempts and get no response just leave it be and move on to something else, whether they are NT or on the spectrum. It would be incorrect to conclude however that people on the spectrum never are interested. You yourself (as well as many others) disprove that. We do invest in friends and relationships. At most you might say people on the spectrum tend have have a smaller group of friends then NTs. But even that has exceptions.

Hi, thanks everybody for replying.

What you said resonated with me.

I have been at this University for 4 years and struggled to form friendships. The reservedness of the area is a hassle for me, and a barrier.

At the university, I had around 3-4 different Aspie acquaintances, all of whom ended because I got fed up bothering. They did not contact me if I didn’t contact them.

This one is going the same way. He complains about wanting friends. However, when I make an effort, he turns up but I get the vibe that he is “meh” about going out. I mean he hasn’t contacted me at all over the past few weeks. So why say you want friends but make no effort?

He told me he prefers sitting inside playing games and suggested we could do that.

Most Aspies seem to be this way I.e they talk about wanting friends but when you make an effort they withdrawal and don’t return the effort?

Could you give me some feedback on this? Am I reading friendships wrong? Am I doing something wrong?

I am moving into my next life stage and want to form friendships. I don’t want to have any more of these one sided friendships into the future. So what do I do to meet people who would return the effort or are interested in meeting new people?

 

[Monachopia]

You seem like someone who actually makes an effort - unlike quite a few of us (myself and a few posters above ), so I really think you could and will succeed in making friends with just about anyone. What interests do you have? Join some clubs, go to conventions, go to hobby orientated gatherings. Maybe join a club for a niche sport (like Archery) or something. I mean, that's how most people who are of University age and above meet new friends. People bond over similar interests. It's not always immediate, but the more you participate, the more likely it'll happen. It seems targeting ASD people just isn't the smartest idea for you because you appear to have the gift of wanting to be social more than the rest of us!

 

[Fino]

Yeah, it sounds a bit like self-sabotage to seek notoriously anti-social, often less emotionally expressive people and then be bothered by the fact that they're anti-social and not emotionally expressive enough for you.

 

[Frostee]

Hi guys, currently feeling very confused again. The same thing has happened, that has happened to me the last few times with Aspie acquaintances.

This person has dropped off the face of the earth (not literally). He has not contacted me over the break, or since I came back to University.

I sent him a message 'Hey, how are you? It's been quite a while since i've heard from you, what are you up to?'. He read it and didn't reply. Now what is going on? And why do people with Aspergers often disappear and go no contact for no reason?

If you look through my threads you'll see a similar post about a female who went cold on me randomly also. This, although not extreme is a somewhat similar thing, that has me feeling very confused, wondering why this always happens to me.

 

[Monachopia]

Well done on reaching out! You're a good person and you honestly do try. I think we can all see that. Not everyone will be like those who have just up and disappeared, I hope you don't become discouraged. Always keep trying.

That being said - I know I personally don't reply right away. I might read something and decide to reply later when I'm less anxious, though, admittedly sometimes anxiety builds up so much that I just can't. Or I simply put it off for so long that I forget. It's not because the person doesn't mean anything, maybe I do care about them on some level... But whatever is in my head is preventing me. That could be ONE reason why these people didn't reply. Or maybe they're just busy (it is after all - exam/dissertation season). Just please, don't take it personally. I don't think it's you that they're avoiding. You seem like a nice person from what I've seen here. So keep on being you and if someone doesn't reply, don't take it too close to heart. You never know what they are going through... though of course they could just be nasty people. You never know.

 

[Frostee]

No, I think he is ignoring the message as he has been online several times now.

He usually replies in a few hours.

Dunno what it is about Aspies and disappearing.

 

[Fino]

The definition of "insanity" is not actually "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". That's a myth. But it does seem to be what you're doing.

 

[Frostee]

The definition of "insanity" is not actually "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". That's a myth. But it does seem to be what you're doing.

I'm not sure i'm really doing anything wrong.