Confused when I don't feel what I think I should feel...

[Chance]

Today I had to do what I dislike doing worse than anything. I had no choice... Well I had a choice to go against my boss (The President of the Board of Directors)... I had to fire an employee.

I have known since Saturday, that it had to be taken care of first thing this morning. I worried all weekend over it.

For those of you who have read some of my older posts... This was the guy who constantly tried to convince the Board he was a better person for my job. His ego was huge, he was very talkative, very hung up on himself, very extroverted, loved being the centre of attention, and would just make me look like a fool more often than not. He was an Alpha male on steroids.

I truly thought that at some point he would find away to talk his way into my position. He would do things unthinkable, and try and lay it off on me as bad communication from me, when he knew exactly what was the right thing to do.

While I was gone on my trip to San Diego, he pulled on of his stunts. He was caught drunk (possibly high) at work and had already been turned in for this a few weeks earlier. I figured he would talk his way out of it, like he has done in the past.

The Board didn't fall for his manipulation this time. I was told to let him go first thing today. They thought that would make me happy... It didn't. It made me feel sick and I have felt sick all day.

This guy was basically a monster, and my worst nightmare. He did this to himself, but I cant help but hurt for him. I didn't have a choice, and it was right to do what I did. However, he's a human being who has flaws, and I just took everything away from him.

I cant feel good for that, it made me feel like the monster, and I know thats wrong. I need to get over it, but for now I feel like I just signed someones death warrant, and after some of the things he said this morning... I pray to GOD he doesn't do something stupid.

Why do I feel bad for a person who has made my life a living hell, everyday, for 5 years?

 

[OkRad]

Today I had to do what I dislike doing worse than anything. I had no choice... Well I had a choice to go against my boss (The President of the Board of Directors)... I had to fire an employee.

I have known since Saturday, that it had to be taken care of first thing this morning. I worried all weekend over it.

For those of you who have read some of my older posts... This was the guy who constantly tried to convince the Board he was a better person for my job. His ego was huge, he was very talkative, very hung up on himself, very extroverted, loved being the centre of attention, and would just make me look like a fool more often than not. He was an Alpha male on steroids.

I truly thought that at some point he would find away to talk his way into my position. He would do things unthinkable, and try and lay it off on me as bad communication from me, when he knew exactly what was the right thing to do.

While I was gone on my trip to San Diego, he pulled on of his stunts. He was caught drunk (possibly high) at work and had already been turned in for this a few weeks earlier. I figured he would talk his way out of it, like he has done in the past.

The Board didn't fall for his manipulation this time. I was told to let him go first thing today. They thought that would make me happy... It didn't. It made me feel sick and I have felt sick all day.

This guy was basically a monster, and my worst nightmare. He did this to himself, but I cant help but hurt for him. I didn't have a choice, and it was right to do what I did. However, he's a human being who has flaws, and I just took everything away from him.

I cant feel good for that, it made me feel like the monster, and I know thats wrong. I need to get over it, but for now I feel like I just signed someones death warrant, and after some of the things he said this morning... I pray to GOD he doesn't do something stupid.

Why do I feel bad for a person who has made my life a living hell, everyday, for 5 years?

"Why do I feel bad for a person who has made my life a living hell, everyday, for 5 years?" Because you are not like him.

 

[the_tortoise]

Why do I feel bad for a person who has made my life a living hell, everyday, for 5 years?

Because you're a good person who has love and compassion in his heart for everyone (or at least, that's how you seem to me).

 

[Fitzo]

Because you have an overload of empathy for someone who clearly doesn't deserve it!
I know you can only be who you are, but you really need to give some love back to the person who does deserve it! Yourself!

 

[LucyPurrs]

Oh boy, can I relate to this post. I had to fire someone under my supervision once too. And she was a very skilled worker. Her problem was that she was a square peg who didn't fit into the round hole that my supervisor insisted she fit into. The curse of being a middle manager was that I couldn't allow her the freedom to do her thing. I'm normally a mild mannered person but she pushed my buttons over and over until we ended up screaming at each other in supervision one day. She was Hispanic and several of my staff in the office were Hispanic also so I was sure that if I had to fire her, my staff would hate me forever. Well, came the day I was told to fire her. I was sick with anxiety. Her health was actually suffering with the stress of resisting the requirements of the job. I was quite worried about her. But during the lunch break she walked to an agency next door and got a better job. She actually came back and thanked me saying she didn't have what it took to leave, but had she ended up with a job she knew would be a much better fit. My staff also came in one by one and thanked me for firing her because she had created so much uproar in the office. So Chance, you never know!

 

[Streetwise]

Today I had to do what I dislike doing worse than anything. I had no choice... Well I had a choice to go against my boss (The President of the Board of Directors)... I had to fire an employee.

I have known since Saturday, that it had to be taken care of first thing this morning. I worried all weekend over it.

For those of you who have read some of my older posts... This was the guy who constantly tried to convince the Board he was a better person for my job. His ego was huge, he was very talkative, very hung up on himself, very extroverted, loved being the centre of attention, and would just make me look like a fool more often than not. He was an Alpha male on steroids.

I truly thought that at some point he would find away to talk his way into my position. He would do things unthinkable, and try and lay it off on me as bad communication from me, when he knew exactly what was the right thing to do.

While I was gone on my trip to San Diego, he pulled on of his stunts. He was caught drunk (possibly high) at work and had already been turned in for this a few weeks earlier. I figured he would talk his way out of it, like he has done in the past.

The Board didn't fall for his manipulation this time. I was told to let him go first thing today. They thought that would make me happy... It didn't. It made me feel sick and I have felt sick all day.

This guy was basically a monster, and my worst nightmare. He did this to himself, but I cant help but hurt for him. I didn't have a choice, and it was right to do what I did. However, he's a human being who has flaws, and I just took everything away from him.

I cant feel good for that, it made me feel like the monster, and I know thats wrong. I need to get over it, but for now I feel like I just signed someones death warrant, and after some of the things he said this morning... I pray to GOD he doesn't do something stupid.

Why do I feel bad for a person who has made my life a living hell, everyday, for 5 years?

you don't like confrontation possibly ?

 

[SusanLR]

Because you are not like him.

That is exactly what I thought, too.

I know how it feels from my personal situation at home.
Living with one who is so controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive, and seems to enjoy making anyone he encounters feel bad if he can.
But, I still feel some type of hurt for him.

Usually the verbal bully has low self-esteem and something inside that has hurt them. The feeling of controlling others and making them hurt emotionally gives them some type of sick pleasure when actually they aren't happy with themselves.

Like the alcoholic that is killing themselves slowly, may think they have a friend in the bottle that eases some
pain. But, the core isn't being helped.
They hurt themselves and others.

If they could only realise that core hurt and take action
on correcting it.
Look who's talking here. One who can't get over my
own traumatic life event and it's hurting my health.
I have no one I feel close to or feel like really cares.
Psychologists can be a sounding board and offer what they have learned, but, they are just an employee really.
No closeness or true caring.
But, no one knows what is ahead.
This firing you had to do may lead the peron to somewhere he is more content or at least some self introspection. We can hope.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Is it because you forgot to buy
the 'You're fired' cookies.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

and after some of the things he said this morning... I pray to GOD he doesn't do something stupid

Weak person tries to make you feel bad shocker......

Send his words back to him and the feelings that belong to them.
He's trying to make you feel bad,
His final manipulation.

 

[Chance]

"Why do I feel bad for a person who has made my life a living hell, everyday, for 5 years?" Because you are not like him.

Correct, I am nothing like that guy. Oil and water. I'm relieved and sad because of some stuff he said but my Boss swears it was all BS because he knew how to get to me... and he did know how to get to me. I just feel confused over the whole thing. He had a great position. His job was a gravy job and now its gone.We have a very small turn over where I work. I work for a very good company (it has its flaws, but what doesn't).

That right there is what makes this hard for me. We simply don't fire people hardly ever. We don't hire people hardly ever because people are happy and they stay with us. So this is a very rare event where I work and not what I'm used too at all. I'm not cut out to do this very often. I know that may make me look weak, but I just don't have it in me. If he was stealing, or violent, or threatening people - different story. I could take him out an never have a second thought about it. Maybe?

But my overthinking is what got me upset. He is fighting his inner demons just like I fight ASD, PTSD and whatever... He is killing himself with alcohol and drugs maybe because he don't like who he has turned into, or there is something else deeply bothering him.

I just get stuck and get way out past just the JOB thing and I shouldn't, but cant help it, it seems.

 

[Progster]

I've never been in this position, and I'm not sure if I could do it if I were, so I do admire your courage. It sounds like he had it coming, and if it weren't you to fire him, it would be someone else. I think that the consequences of not firing him would be worse than the firing, both for you, for him and your co-workers. You just did what you had to do, and it isn't your fault that it happened. Don't shoot the messenger!

 

[Chance]

you don't like confrontation possibly ?

No I don't like confrontation at any level. It tends to bring back lots of times when I was too young to defend myself and I would wake up in a hospital (from some "accident"), or locked in my room until I could heal up.

Any confrontation and I start shaking and remembering stuff I try very hard to forget. I try so hard to not go there, but that stuff just wont erase it seems... And when I have to face a "giant" like firing someone... I sense confrontation and how it crushed me as a kid, and still crushes me as an adult. I fear the violent side of any person, but he wasn't violent in any way. I am thankful for that.

 

[Chance]

If they could only realise that core hurt and take action
on correcting it.
Look who's talking here. One who can't get over my
own traumatic life event and it's hurting my health.
I have no one I feel close to or feel like really cares.

You just hit it! Maybe I feel so bad because I know I am a mess, but he got fired for how he is dealing with his mess. Your whole post was how I feel. I hope something truly good takes place in his life.

He was at times so manipulative and deceitful, but I would think something causes him to be like that. I always start wondering... Is there truly evil and mean people from their birth? Or is it how they were raised, or in simple wrong choices made, a chemical imbalance, or does life produce these monsters that do truly want to hurt, manipulate, and lie to other humans??? The stuff I think about gets way down in the rabbit hole.

I see way past his getting fired as to try and see why he did some of the stuff he did (which was awful at times). He had a way to let me know he saw me as weak and easy to manipulate. He loved to display his dominance, and this weak nobody (me) took it all away and suddenly made him equal nothing. LIFE is weird at times.

 

[tducey]

I couldn't imagine being in the position to ever fire someone so I don't envy you at all. The guy doesn't seem nice at all so he had this coming. Good on you for showing empathy here as well.

 

[OlLiE]

i think you may be suffering from empathy
or a sense of guilt that you may be linked to his being fired
or maybe a combination of both

keep it easy,
he screwed up, it's his problem, he has got to own it,
learning to fire people is an inevitable skill you have to learn if you are a higher up,
i would think that having to do it face to face is actually a pretty good lesson,
at least this way, if you are ever in a position where you need to fire someone/people again you will at least be aware of the human aspect of it and it won't become an anonymous numbers thing

 

[Chance]

I was finally getting past what took place, and then the unthinkable happened... He isn't missed, but he couldn't resist taking one more deep, deep, stab and this time it was at me.

He sent an open email to the main office, and to my boss (but excluded me). He stated that since he was no longer an employee, he felt he had the right to get somethings off his chest. I thought he did a lot of that before he left, but he dug deep for this one.

He basically "outed" me once more on the ASD thing I try not to discuss. He was pretty brutal in what he said. He feels I suck at communicating with people, and the Board overlooks it. He also said that the Board babies me, and supports me, when they wouldn't do this for others.

I wanted to get sick and mad... but for once I didn't. He's a destroyer. If anything comes against him, this is what he does. This is how he takes the heat off him. He threw the office ladies out in front of a speeding preverbal bus also...

I took this nightmare of a company, that was on the brink of closing down... and turned it around in less than 5 years. For 3 years now we are at record sales and memberships... This weekend we are one of the main sponsors for a huge RV show in the city... We are doing things this place has never dreamed of...
The Board has never coddled me...

Until this brutal email... Most of them didn't KNOW I have ASD... Or if they did they never speak of it.

What a guy... What a cheap shot, and a perfect display of how pitiful he really is. Now I have this very public email hanging over me for awhile to deal with... This is how he deals with anyone who dares to confront him (even though I had zero choice)...

Apparently he is going to tell just about anyone he knows about me and what he thinks of my ASD... FUN TIMES ahead I guess. He calls it "justice." I guess since he was PRIVATELY outed for alcohol abuse and possible drug use, he felt he has to get even... (I'm not the one who did this, I was in California... But he doesn't care.)

This makes me want to HIDE, but I cant. I will just let it fall where it falls I guess. Its not like people think I am some perfect angel. Its not like I go out and talk to people anyway. My guess is most of them already have seen me struggle enough that they will just move on with life... If not I will find away to deal with it.

He even went and had some deep conversation with my brother in law about my issues... why?
This guy really needs to get a LIFE.

I still feel sorry for him... Instead of facing his real world problems, he exposes other peoples problems... How gracious of him... : (

I believe in ALL the Universal constructs, and pretty close to the top of the list is... The Law of Cause and Effect... He will deal with all this stuff he has done to others, and it all has costs and consequences.
Energy out, is also whats coming back... If the world could even grasp the concept, so much would change over night.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Yup Law of Cause and Effect. Chance, people know you there, I doubt this jerk is going to seriously affect their view of you. You have a great track record with your work and that counts for a whole lot. You are also one of the good guys and anyone with any degree of perception will know that even if you don't talk much, your vibes will let them know. Don't focus on this or dwell on it- that jerk isn't worth your time of day. Sorry though that your brother in law would engage in such a discussion.

 

[SusanLR]

Hang in there, Chance.
He is just lashing out as some people feel they must when they are angry.
You were the messenger about the firing and if it wasn't the ASD it would have been something else.
He's playing the role of the " big man" who was treated
unfairly. Doubt he has any followers there.
Everyone knows you by now and knows he is a jerk.
I wouldn't be worried about any fall out from his explosion.
You're one of a kind!

 

[Fitzo]

He's just jealous of you Chance. You're everything he's not and it burns him that in spite of your apparent 'failings' you're the one who's succeeding where he's now unemployed, and being respected where he's seen for exactly the scumbag he is! This email only proves it!
Try to put it behind you (I know it's not easy) because I'm sure people who know you will just ignore it.
Karma will surely come right back at him - if it hasn't already. Try not to waste any more energy on him because that's exactly what he's hoping for.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Silence is golden.