My mother-in-law passed away a couple of months ago. She was always sweet to me and helped me feel welcome in the family (not a nightmare mother-in-law at all). I had known her for about 25 years. And yet, I never cried for her loss. I felt sad for sure--but mostly sad for my husband and the rest of her family. They're very tight-knit, and it's been an extremely painful and difficult loss for them. My therapist is helping me figure out how to be supportive and understand what they're going through, because I don't think I would feel a great sense of loss at all if/when either of my parents dies--I'm not emotionally close to either of them, and both of those relationships have been fraught with many difficulties.
At the same time, I have had some serious and extensive processing to do. For me, it's not so much emotional as it is cognitive. I'm having to rethink a lot of things. Expectations I have for "how things work" have had to be modified, both in regard to plans (like holiday meals) and in regard to life in general. I don't mean that in an unemotional, loveless sort of way. I admired and respected her and accepted her for who she was. I believe she did the same for me. And so I believe we loved each other. But the loss challenges my perception of what life is like, how relationships work, what really matters in life, and how we contribute to each other's journeys. Through her loss, for example, I'm developing a much deeper appreciation for my marriage and what it takes to "grow old together." Also shifting my understanding of what it means to "be there for each other" when things happen.
So even though my experience of loss doesn't look at all like my husband's, it's still very real for me. It affects me. I've had to give myself the freedom to process this in ways that are authentic for me, even if that looks very unusual or perhaps even if it doesn't show up in other people's awareness at all because it's very private inside my own thoughts and mind.
Perhaps it's the same for you. Clearly this does affect you somehow because you took the time to post about it here. Maybe it has nothing to do with emotions, at least, not in a way that is revealed in a surface-level emotional expression. And that's okay. Process it at a logical level if that's more helpful for you.
We all have a "relationship" with death that progresses throughout our lives. Is it something far off in the distance that doesn't affect our day-to-day decisions? Is it something that seems rather predictable? Is it something that butts into life when it's least expected? Is it something that you dread and avoid, or is it more of a natural progression of life for you? Your answers to those questions will adapt to your increasing experiences with death throughout the years.
So perhaps these two deaths you mention haven't deeply affected your answers to those questions--yet. Perhaps you'll get off easy and not have to face these questions much at all. Or perhaps there will come a time in your life where these questions and more become much more relevant, and you'll pull from these prior experiences in trying to settle on your answers. And yet, those answers will continue to be impermanent, shifting again with each new encounter with death, whether that's the death of a friend, a family member, a neighbor, a lover, a child, a stranger whose story feels unexpectedly connected to yours (perhaps another aspie, or someone who is your age, or someone who is living your dream, or whatever).
At any rate, these experiences with death help you set your expectations for future experiences with death. If you live long enough, you'll experience the loss of many people in your life. And each one can awaken you to a new understanding of what life is all about.
