One of the many revelations I had upon discovering I am autistic is the answer to why I so often have such frustrating communication issues. The problem seems to mostly occur when directly speaking to someone, but not so much with printed text or talking on the telephone. The issue is that conversations often degrade into a heated argument. I am always mystified that there is no actual disagreement. As far as I can tell, we are both on the same subject and in total agreement about the subject. I have been totally mystified by this for most of my life. That is, until a few months after learning that I am autistic.
While studying the subject of autism, I find that many autistics seem to have communication issues – mostly with neurotypicals, but much less so between autistics. I am married to a wonderful NT. She tolerates me probably more than anyone else would, but still we too often suffer very frustrating arguments – again to my bewilderment - all while in total agreement. On a few occasions, I conducted a test. I would repeat verbatim what she said, and she still disagreed with me. I would often exclaim, “Why are we arguing! We are in total agreement.” But that never seemed to help. Sometimes she would actually say that it’s the way I say it. That it’s my tone, but I never understand that. On my end, I am frustrated that she often speaks in incomplete, fragmented sentences. I find the wording to be of extremely low resolution – too low for me to make any sense of it. And, my wife is not alone. When she talks to other NT’s, they all seem fine with fragmented, low resolution sentences.
Then one evening, the answer came from the most unlikely place. I was watching a romantic comedy with my wife. It was a movie titled, “Hitch”. In the movie, there is a line by the main character. I don’t know if the line is a known true fact or just created for the movie, but, regardless, it fits my experience precisely. In the movie, Hitch is a dating coach. In one scene, Hitch is explaining human interaction to a client. He says,
“Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth.”
My problem is that I am oblivious to my expressions, body language and tone – which is ninety percent of the communication. That 90% is uncontrolled. I am oblivious to everything except for the ten percent verbal communication. Now I realize that ninety percent of my communication is disconnected and inappropriate to what I’m saying. So, apparently, NT’s gets that ninety percent expression, body language and tone that I am completely oblivious to. That means that 90% of what I am “saying” has nothing to do with what I mean to be saying.
I have learned how to make faces and voice inflections and body movements, but it is not at all automatic. I suppose that is called Masking. I have to think about it and concentrate, which is hard when I’m trying to think about what I'm saying at the same time. I’m not good at multitasking. While I can sometimes pull it off, it’s never perfect. And, the more important I feel getting a point communicated, the less I am able to “mask”.
I am curious if any of you have this issue?
While studying the subject of autism, I find that many autistics seem to have communication issues – mostly with neurotypicals, but much less so between autistics. I am married to a wonderful NT. She tolerates me probably more than anyone else would, but still we too often suffer very frustrating arguments – again to my bewilderment - all while in total agreement. On a few occasions, I conducted a test. I would repeat verbatim what she said, and she still disagreed with me. I would often exclaim, “Why are we arguing! We are in total agreement.” But that never seemed to help. Sometimes she would actually say that it’s the way I say it. That it’s my tone, but I never understand that. On my end, I am frustrated that she often speaks in incomplete, fragmented sentences. I find the wording to be of extremely low resolution – too low for me to make any sense of it. And, my wife is not alone. When she talks to other NT’s, they all seem fine with fragmented, low resolution sentences.
Then one evening, the answer came from the most unlikely place. I was watching a romantic comedy with my wife. It was a movie titled, “Hitch”. In the movie, there is a line by the main character. I don’t know if the line is a known true fact or just created for the movie, but, regardless, it fits my experience precisely. In the movie, Hitch is a dating coach. In one scene, Hitch is explaining human interaction to a client. He says,
“Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth.”
My problem is that I am oblivious to my expressions, body language and tone – which is ninety percent of the communication. That 90% is uncontrolled. I am oblivious to everything except for the ten percent verbal communication. Now I realize that ninety percent of my communication is disconnected and inappropriate to what I’m saying. So, apparently, NT’s gets that ninety percent expression, body language and tone that I am completely oblivious to. That means that 90% of what I am “saying” has nothing to do with what I mean to be saying.
I have learned how to make faces and voice inflections and body movements, but it is not at all automatic. I suppose that is called Masking. I have to think about it and concentrate, which is hard when I’m trying to think about what I'm saying at the same time. I’m not good at multitasking. While I can sometimes pull it off, it’s never perfect. And, the more important I feel getting a point communicated, the less I am able to “mask”.
I am curious if any of you have this issue?
. I don't think it is that bad. But I'm sure in can vary quite a bit based on the context. Dating would have a very high non-verbal component. Something more businesslike might have a lower component. In an adversarial business discussion, wouldn't you want to assume the other person might be sociopathic and any emotions may be disingenuous? In the case of friendship it would be high since there's always the question if the person really likes you or is just using you.
