Coming To Terms with Being an Aspie and Relationships.

[B00533842]

Hi Everyone,

After many years of my Mother, my peers and a string of failed relationships, I am coming to terms with the fact I have Aspergers Syndrome. I have been in denial for years and didn't want to be viewed as different.

From a young age I can remember being very naive, slow at getting jokes and not being able to read social situations/facial expressions very well.

Despite all this I am a social worker (ironic I know), I have my own house and a beautiful son. Relationships have always been difficult for me as I find it very hard to trust.

My girlfriend and I have been through a really tough time of late because I simply cannot trust her, my defenses always flare and I imagine outrageous scenarios in my head. Is she cheating on me? Who is that? She wants to leave me? Etc

I keep things bottled up, as I find my emotions hard to interpret and she could feel the negative energy. This drove her to the brink of insanity.

I told her about my condition and she accepts and understands it. Now she wants to take things slow to help establish trust between ourselves but I fear I won't be able to.

Has anyone else been trough this? At times I feel my condition does not allow me to have a romantic relationship and I loathe myself for being so different and a burden to others.

 

[LogicalMind]

Same here...you are not alone

 

[moonchild22]

Same...if someone doesn't tell me directly and regularly that they care for me and they won't leave me, whatever they do and however hard they try to indirectly prove it to me, I can't believe it..I can't accept it. This is not only because of my condition but because people who I thought loved me ,have left me before. I think that the only solution to this problem is to let them know that you need to be constantly reminded of their love for you.

 

[Keigan]

I suspect that there is a lot more going on here.... what you are describing is a lack of trust, potentially insecurity based, or need not being met.

If you have challenges u derstanding your own emotions and recognizing emotions in others, it might be a good idea to do some research and observations:

Research:
- Aspergers Atndrome, empathy challenges
- Alexithymia, no words for emotions and not recognizing
- Casandra Syndrome, emotional reciprocity
- then, sit down and work through your emotional needs and write them down, then truthfully ask yourself if the relationship is meeting your core emotional needs

Then, have your partner do the same research on their own, and when they are ready sit down and have a good conversation on what each individual has discovered. A conversation of understanding, not right or wrong or even differences.

Observations:
If there is an apple on the counter, would you be more inclined to say “the apple is red” or “I can feel the warmth of the apple’s color”.

Again, involve your partner.

One is a rational mind possibly thinking through their emotions and expressing something factual or logical around those emotions, the other is empathic emotional expression.

Trust is required for most relationships, fear and insecurity can get in the way altering perception - so is their fear or is there hard evidence of mis-trust from TODAY, not from the past.

What is missing is emotional connection in the relationship.

Good luck.

 

[OkRad]

It is hard to know. Many people on here DO have marriages and relationships, so I am not sure that it is just the condition. Maybe the key is a very tolerable and kind partner? Maybe it is that when one is truly in love, it can mitigate some of the ASD? I don't know, but I am always reading the threads about relationships with an eager and hopeful eye.

 

[xudo]

Welcome

 

[Bolletje]

Although I don't know your exact situation, it sounds to me like it's not your AS causing your relationship woes, but your insecurity. Which is something you have to learn to control for a relationship to be balanced.

I am no relation therapist, just an Aspie in a relationship. However, in my previous relationship, I have discovered that I am incredibly insecure when I am with a partner I deeply love. And this insecurity leads to some controlling and, ultimately, destructive behaviour. Constantly looking for reassurance with someone that gives you no cause for distrust is not the best way to build a healthy relationship.

Are you in therapy? Because that could be a good way to start. Find out why you are so insecure, and why you need validation. Why can't you take her at her word? Has she done something to cause your distrust, or is it your own self-esteem that's the root of the problem? This isn't something that's easily fixed, nor are there quick fixes, but it is something that should be fixed for the relationship to really work.

For me it took three years between rationally believing my boyfriend when he said he didn't want anyone else to actually being able to feel it. But I worked very hard on controlling the way I expressed my insecurity in the mean time, because he didn't deserve any suspicion nor a third degree whenever he came home.
Best of luck with this situation.

TLDR: Work on your insecurity, try to control how to express it, and never stop communicating with your partner.

 

[B00533842]

These are all brilliant replies. Some serious food for thought guys. I agree, self esteem and insecurity is an issue. My mum/friends and family have always believed I have Aspergers and through my social work training I know I have it.

I have always believed having an autism based condition would make any woman run a mile but the fact that my girlfriend is seeming to accept me is a big step in improving my self esteem and if it doesn't work out, there are people out there who can.

To tell her I have the condition was a leap of faith and trust because she is the first person that I have formally told. So I believe I am stepping in the right direction.

 

[The Midge]

Hi Everyone,

After many years of my Mother, my peers and a string of failed relationships, I am coming to terms with the fact I have Aspergers Syndrome. I have been in denial for years and didn't want to be viewed as different.

From a young age I can remember being very naive, slow at getting jokes and not being able to read social situations/facial expressions very well.

Despite all this I am a social worker (ironic I know), I have my own house and a beautiful son. Relationships have always been difficult for me as I find it very hard to trust.

My girlfriend and I have been through a really tough time of late because I simply cannot trust her, my defenses always flare and I imagine outrageous scenarios in my head. Is she cheating on me? Who is that? She wants to leave me? Etc

I keep things bottled up, as I find my emotions hard to interpret and she could feel the negative energy. This drove her to the brink of insanity.

I told her about my condition and she accepts and understands it. Now she wants to take things slow to help establish trust between ourselves but I fear I won't be able to.

Has anyone else been trough this? At times I feel my condition does not allow me to have a romantic relationship and I loathe myself for being so different and a burden to others.

Welcome B00533842!

I'm married with two. we work on the assumption that we are all on the spectrum with two of us diagnosed.

Like everything else, relationships are hard work for us. An understanding partner helps keep them going, but if one wants it to work one must make it work.

Dealing with comorbid conditions, like depression and anxiety, is a must. Be on your guard against those too.

 

[onlything]

Hi there, welcome to AC.

 

[Ambi]

Hi Everyone,

After many years of my Mother, my peers and a string of failed relationships, I am coming to terms with the fact I have Aspergers Syndrome. I have been in denial for years and didn't want to be viewed as different.

From a young age I can remember being very naive, slow at getting jokes and not being able to read social situations/facial expressions very well.

Despite all this I am a social worker (ironic I know), I have my own house and a beautiful son. Relationships have always been difficult for me as I find it very hard to trust.

My girlfriend and I have been through a really tough time of late because I simply cannot trust her, my defenses always flare and I imagine outrageous scenarios in my head. Is she cheating on me? Who is that? She wants to leave me? Etc

I keep things bottled up, as I find my emotions hard to interpret and she could feel the negative energy. This drove her to the brink of insanity.

I told her about my condition and she accepts and understands it. Now she wants to take things slow to help establish trust between ourselves but I fear I won't be able to.

Has anyone else been trough this? At times I feel my condition does not allow me to have a romantic relationship and I loathe myself for being so different and a burden to others.

Everything is about to get better for you since you are about to learn so many important things about yourself and how others without ASD work - it was heavy emotional lifting for me, but it is really benefitting me, I have more hope of a happier life now.

 

[watersprite]

Welcome @B00533842.