Coming Out

[PrinceOfFreaks]

I am 29 years old, and didnt suspect I was on the spectrum until just this year, and after 6 months, I still have trouble understanding and accepting it. I am top notch at "acting human", so much so that most people would probably refuse to believe I'm on the spectrum

The people I worry most about are my parents; they both have PhDs in psychology, and one of them has even made a career out of early childhood autism. I can almost guarantee they have wiped any subtle clues of my disorder from their memory. They have a weird type of denial, even when it comes to blindingly obvious things, like when my arms were covered top to bottom in needle tracks, for years, they "didnt notice". They are good hearted people, and smart, but I believe they are blinded by their own anxieties/mental issues. Plus, like I said, I learned to mimic and parrot other humans, and intuitively understood certain behaviors drew attention, and I hated attention, so signs/symptoms would be easy to miss.

The parent who does not practice on ASD is the one I'm closer to, and the one I believe would be more open to accepting this, but I'm still very scared. The other one, I would bet all my toes on the fact that the response would be "No way you're ASD! Those kids have obvious symptoms you never once displayed." and trying to convince someone of this is exactly what I want to avoid. I want to share this with the sympathetic parent, but how do you tell someone "Hey, you know how you say you're an expert at noticing this thing... well... you missed it for 20+ years... just trust me, I'm an expert too". Seems ... weird. What does a fella do? I dont want them to feel bad for (another) mental issue of mine they completely ignored, but they will never understand me until they hear and accept this.

And then we come to my friends, and the rest of the humans. That's going to be a tough one to navigate, too, but just because I'm incapable of expressing intimate things to anyone other than my girlfriend.

 

[Rainbowcat]

I am 29 years old, and didnt suspect I was on the spectrum until just this year, and after 6 months, I still have trouble understanding and accepting it. I am top notch at "acting human", so much so that most people would probably refuse to believe I'm on the spectrum

The people I worry most about are my parents; they both have PhDs in psychology, and one of them has even made a career out of early childhood autism. I can almost guarantee they have wiped any subtle clues of my disorder from their memory. They have a weird type of denial, even when it comes to blindingly obvious things, like when my arms were covered top to bottom in needle tracks, for years, they "didnt notice". They are good hearted people, and smart, but I believe they are blinded by their own anxieties/mental issues.

The parent who does not practice on ASD is the one I'm closer to, and the one I believe would be more open to accepting this, but I'm still very scared. The other one, I would bet all my toes on the fact that the response would be "No way you're ASD! Those kids have obvious symptoms you never once displayed." and trying to convince someone of this is exactly what I want to avoid. I want to share this with the sympathetic parent, but how do you tell someone "Hey, you know how you say you're an expert at noticing this thing... well... you missed it for 20+ years... just trust me, I'm an expert too". Seems ... weird. What does a fella do? I dont want them to feel bad for (another) mental issue of mine they completely ignored, but they will never understand me until they hear and accept this.

And then we come to my friends, and the rest of the humans. That's going to be a tough one to navigate, too, but just because I'm incapable of expressing intimate things to anyone other than my girlfriend.

Hi,

I got last year diagnosed in the Autism Spectrum.
I announced my diagnose to my parents and they did not believe me. For this reason, i arranged an appointment with the specialist who diagnosed me and my paretns together with me went to that appointment.
I thought it will help them understand me better and will become more accepting of me, but they did not.

So i don't know how your parents will react. If you want to come out to the parent who is more understanding you can try it.
No one can guarantee their reaction.

 

[unperson]

Sounds like a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy. It can be a social stigma and can affect social perception of siblings/parents so...obliviousness/memory hole stuff can be understandable. For a shrink/therapist to have an autistic child could affect career maybe? People might wonder if he/she is the source?

Why do you need their endorsement?

 

[Amy Stone]

The bigger question: how much anxiety is it causing you to contemplate what may happen vs just telling them and dealing with what happens? They may not both believe you at first, but it will plant a seed and make them take a look at you twice. Why do you want them to know? What are you looking to gain by getting their acceptance? Are you looking for help/guidance?

As for telling friends, I suggest holding off a while. Like someone else said, you aren't going to get a cookie for coming out as an Aspie and once it's out, it's out.

As a personal note: telling my spouse didn't really work the way I had anticipated it would. I thought it would bring more compassion and understanding, instead, I was put into the "special snowflake" category and am now "another problem to deal with". I am the same person I was 12 years ago...but labels do stigmatize.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am 29 years old, and didnt suspect I was on the spectrum until just this year, and after 6 months, I still have trouble understanding and accepting it. I am top notch at "acting human", so much so that most people would probably refuse to believe I'm on the spectrum

The people I worry most about are my parents; they both have PhDs in psychology, and one of them has even made a career out of early childhood autism. I can almost guarantee they have wiped any subtle clues of my disorder from their memory. They have a weird type of denial, even when it comes to blindingly obvious things, like when my arms were covered top to bottom in needle tracks, for years, they "didnt notice". They are good hearted people, and smart, but I believe they are blinded by their own anxieties/mental issues. Plus, like I said, I learned to mimic and parrot other humans, and intuitively understood certain behaviors drew attention, and I hated attention, so signs/symptoms would be easy to miss.

The parent who does not practice on ASD is the one I'm closer to, and the one I believe would be more open to accepting this, but I'm still very scared. The other one, I would bet all my toes on the fact that the response would be "No way you're ASD! Those kids have obvious symptoms you never once displayed." and trying to convince someone of this is exactly what I want to avoid. I want to share this with the sympathetic parent, but how do you tell someone "Hey, you know how you say you're an expert at noticing this thing... well... you missed it for 20+ years... just trust me, I'm an expert too". Seems ... weird. What does a fella do? I dont want them to feel bad for (another) mental issue of mine they completely ignored, but they will never understand me until they hear and accept this.

And then we come to my friends, and the rest of the humans. That's going to be a tough one to navigate, too, but just because I'm incapable of expressing intimate things to anyone other than my girlfriend.

For frame of reference: Dr. Tony Attwood, one of the world's leading experts in autism, didn't recognize his own son had autism until his son was nearly an adult. There are videos on this interview on YouTube. It wasn't until his son started getting the attention of law enforcement, drug addiction, etc. that Dr. Attwood had to step back and reexamine things, including old family videos to realize the long list of signs and symptoms he simply glossed over. To a parent,...their child is perfect,...so, with that comes some denial,..."Not my child, he's a blessing from God",...you see this sort of mind set pretty consistently. So, for your parents being educated within the field of psychology and childhood autism, and not recognizing you as autistic,...I wouldn't look too much into that. There are plenty of reasons why a person is not diagnosed. I wasn't until the age of 52. There are plenty of others on this forum that are in the category of "late diagnosis",...even into their 60's and 70's.

The other part, is that Asperger's condition is often a "late diagnosis", whereas the more obvious autism phenotypes can be recognized quite early, even in infancy. If your parent was trained in recognizing "childhood autism",...and not the Asperger's phenotype,...again, it stands to reason that things could get missed.

Now, as far as "coming out", this is a deeply personal thing with infinite amount of variables effecting your decisions. Personally,...my parents do not know,...they would be in full denial,...and this is a discussion I would never approach with them. I made the mistake of bringing it up with one of my sisters,...who is educated, with a PhD in pharmacy,..."Well, they have a label for everything." was her first response, and then proceeded to lecture me on how I was wrong,...with arguments that clearly revealed she had zero idea of what autism was. I just let that one go,...no sense in pushing that discussion further,...let alone with my other sister who is even less educated and less accepting of people who are "different". Now, there are people who should know,...for example, having an official written diagnosis,...that can give you some degree of protection in most developed countries because of various "disabilities protection" laws. The Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) does include autism, and with that, gives you some limited protections within the legal system, as well as with your employer. So, for those that are "self-diagnosed",...there are no protections. My Human Resources department knows I am autistic with required paperwork on file. My manager and supervisor, did not need to know, that information is kept at Human Resources,...but they do know, because I have known them for years, and I trust them with the information,...that's on me. Some of my close co-workers know,...because working within a professional environment requires proper communication,...and they need to know,...and not judge me based upon neurotypical standards. My students know,...because as their instructor, my communication style and how they receive it is vitally important,...and again, there will be times when I need clarification or they will need clarification. Basically, I have to get out in front of their perceptions and judgements, and then briefly instruct them on how to approach things. I've been doing this for the past few years and it has smoothed out a lot of judgmental behavior, misinterpretations, and emotional responses that have happened in the past, prior to my diagnosis.

Your situation is quite common. How you approach this is up to you and your relationships with your inner circle of people.

 

[GadAbout]

I had it easy, both my parents were dead when I got diagnosed. I haven't told anybody else in the family. If the discussion ever came up, I would have to point out that every near blood relative is also high-functioning autistic; whereas I formerly just called everyone in the family (me included) weird.

 

[watersprite]

If you are good at noticing how people generally and specifically your parents react to non-conformists, then you can predict - more or less - people’s reactions.

I can’t recommend coming out to human people.

 

[clg114]

For me, that information is "need to know only."

 

[OkRad]

It is SO STRANGE to think that people who know you AND are experts in the field still cannot believe it. THAT is sooo weird, but I believe it.

My immediate family believed it, but not all. Some even in my close circle mocked it, others gave the "Hmmmmmmm" polite response and others laughed.

It is a cruel curse to have a true disability and not function and have loved ones laugh and mock or deny it. Essentially, they are calling us loafers, liars, less-thans, and losers. Why in hell would we want to be disabled?

THank the gods there are a few who believe me. Next life if I have autism , it better be non-verbal and obvious or I will abort myself in utero.

 

[Crossbreed]

@PrinceOfFreaks, for so many psychologists, autism means Kanner's variety [ASD2/3], not the whole spectrum which includes Asperger's [ASD1].

The latter are so good at masking that they could become "distinguished psychologists" without self-suspecting. (They just believe that the rest of the world shares the same internal struggles.)

And the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...!

You should ask your therapist (or person who diagnosed you) how you should break the news to your parents. With your permission, s/he might be able to tell them for you, in a "shop-talk" way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Here is a song for this thread,...

I'm Coming Out, Diana Ross (1980)

 

[ForestGumpett]

I had it easy, both my parents were dead when I got diagnosed. I haven't told anybody else in the family. If the discussion ever came up, I would have to point out that every near blood relative is also high-functioning autistic; whereas I formerly just called everyone in the family (me included) weird.

Pretty much same here, either dead or demented really bad - I’m serious. My mother is so messed up at 80 she has the fbi after her lol. They won’t do anything to her she’s too messed up but the way the American courts are run she still isn’t messed up enough for her only relative, me, to do anything about it so we have to sit back and watch her do crazy.

With all the artist and scientist in my family it’s obvious now but like you said, most family are dead now so it doesn’t matter. I’m just glad to be here, woke up above ground lol!

 

[ForestGumpett]

@PrinceOfFreaks ;

Hi, I didn’t answer your question - from reading what you wrote I’m going to be honest and say with both parents being doctors you don’t have a chance in pleasing them. Not because they are doctors, but because I do not think they are open to you being anything but perfect. Heck, my parents were high school drop outs and they were not pleased with me no matter what I did - some people even God can’t please.

So...at this point, your 29. Time to let go. I was almost 60 before I realized that I had parents that nobody would/could please so I’m saying to you, don’t give your life to that, let it go. I’d give anything to have those years back that I thought it was me, that I was defective but nope, it was them.
(((Hug))) You are fine, and you can do this without having to live up to whatever it is your parents need to believe. Again, let it go.

 

[Mulder]

Welcome to the club guy. Are you passing by or here to hang out?

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

Why don't you take the AQ test, so you have some backup to support your suspicion. Maybe that would help convince them. The woman who named the "spectrum", Lorna Wing, was a psychiatrist with an autistic kid. And there are many more I've heard of.

 

[SusanLR]

Both of my parents were dead also when I was diagnosed.
I think they would have been in denial though, if they were still alive when the dx happened.

I was afraid to tell the man I live with when I got the diagnosis.
He seemed to be the type that would think worse of me, but, it was the exact opposite.
He has been more understanding and less emotionally abusive since finding out.

It is a need to know basis for me and I've told no one else except my PC doc.
The therapist who did the diagnosing has two children, both autistic.
It makes her a better and more caring therapist IMO.
Maybe having a calm resonable talk with your parents could help if you would feel better
with their knowing.