"Coming out" to others

[LadyS]

To the point: Did your friends and family treat you differently after they found about your diagnosis? Better? Worse?

Blah blah blah: Since I was diagnosed last year, I've told my immediate family and sat down and talked to them about what it all meant which was hard. Only because in the culture I grew up in, there isn't even language or concepts that exist for anything related to mental health. You're either normal or slow/crazy and you get treated as such by family and community.
I'm sort of struggling to decide whether I should tell anyone else about it, especially close friends who also grew up the same way. I know they have more understanding and are educated when it comes to mental health, but I'm afraid of the cultural stigma that might cloud their treatment of me. For the most part, no one really talks too much about their major life struggles. Everyone is trained to appear to have it together (yep universal masking) so there is very little room for major conflicts. I am already treated as an outsider in my small circle so I'm just afraid of making things worse. I really wish I could just follow the western, individualized ways but unfortunately I have to see these people, attend functions all the time out of obligations. I know what I should do though so just wondering how it played out for everyone else...

 

[Alexej]

I have told my work and it did not seem to make any difference.
I have told folk at church and they do not understand nor do they seem to show any interest.
Part of the motivation for me getting my diagnisis was to see if the label of autistic fitted, otherwise I would have had a label of uncaring boor.

 

[Major Tom]

I wouldn't tell anyone ever if I had the chance to do things all over again, and I come from a more "understanding culture". Nobody gets it, it doesn't matter where you are from and that also includes other people on the spectrum the vast majority of the time.

 

[Barymore]

I have also become sparing with telling anyone since I lost my job after telling my boss and her boss because of telling them this (I trusted them and felt it would help us work together better).

My familly knows but apart from my wife none of them really "get" it. My side completely ignore the topic, never speak of it or play it down (but they do that with pretty much everything - lost a job, no - just taking a sabbatical. Throat cancer? No, just a bit under the weather, doctors always exagerate.... Autism? Noo, you're just quirky) Thank god they have me, I sometimes think, who calls a spade a tool with a sharp-edged, typically rectangular, metal blade and a long handle, used for digging or cutting earth, sand, turf, etc. *lol* and doesnt let them get away with it all the time. But back to ASD - I only really talk to my wife and you lot about it now after I was initially much more excited to share. I live in an 'open' culture in western europe.

 

[Kevin1968]

I told an online "friend" who I had been talking to for some years (met on a chess site, but we chatted about lots of stuff over the years).

Haven't really heard anything from her in a long time now. However if that is why then I am happy if I never hear from her again.

 

[Tom]

Even though it is more open in some western countries/cultures it does depend on which circles you are in and there is still large ammount of stigma attached to it in popular opinion. So I am very selective in who I let know, and avoided any public disclosures. But I learned of my being on the spectrum when I was older and when I was younger ASD1/2 were basically unknown in the general population, and being diagnosed would have prevented me persuing the career I chose.

 

[Finder]

The cultural context is complex. That I cannot judge. I know in Japan, it would be really complex as there is a negative or ignorance around autism and disability.

I usually only tell people I can trust, which is a small group. I have brought it up at work and it went well, but it was a very specific workplace. I now have a new job and I have not brought it up. I am unsure I will.

BTW, my wife knows, obviously. It has actually helped our relationship as it put my behavior in context and allows it to be understood.

 

[Sabrina]

To the point: Did your friends and family treat you differently after they found about your diagnosis? Better? Worse?

Blah blah blah: Since I was diagnosed last year, I've told my immediate family and sat down and talked to them about what it all meant which was hard. Only because in the culture I grew up in, there isn't even language or concepts that exist for anything related to mental health. You're either normal or slow/crazy and you get treated as such by family and community.
I'm sort of struggling to decide whether I should tell anyone else about it, especially close friends who also grew up the same way. I know they have more understanding and are educated when it comes to mental health, but I'm afraid of the cultural stigma that might cloud their treatment of me. For the most part, no one really talks too much about their major life struggles. Everyone is trained to appear to have it together (yep universal masking) so there is very little room for major conflicts. I am already treated as an outsider in my small circle so I'm just afraid of making things worse. I really wish I could just follow the western, individualized ways but unfortunately I have to see these people, attend functions all the time out of obligations. I know what I should do though so just wondering how it played out for everyone else...

Come out only to people you really trust. What I mean by that is "that you trust that they will be empathic and won't use that information against you".

 

[Thinx]

It's not heard as a positive disclosure, I would say. Same as I don't use Hi, I'm gay and nonbinary as my mode of greeting, autism isn't mentioned either.

It's not understood and it's seen as problematic. At least with hi I am gay and nonbinary I have a chance of seeming edgy and cool, although that's not normally enough to make me say it, but hi I am autistic currently doesn't yet have even that. (Possibly Hi I'm neurodivergent could sound more racy?)

Though inappropriately, people often connect autism to mental health problems, to deficits and to stereotypes of naive savants and geeks, or of people who have used it to explain why they committed a crime as these are the contexts where they may have heard anything about it.

 

[GadAbout]

When a majority of doctors, educators, and psychotherapists don't really understand what autism is, why would we expect the "average Joe" of our acquaintance to be any better informed? I have told very few people.

 

[LadyS]

When a majority of doctors, educators, and psychotherapists don't really understand what autism is, why would we expect the "average Joe" of our acquaintance to be any better informed? I have told very few people.

Fair point. Just yesterday I decided to test out the waters and told a close friend about my son's diagnosis. I thought as an elementary school teacher she might be a little more understanding. But then she used the words "a little weird" when describing other kids she noticed in her school that might be on the spectrum so that kinda closed the door for me.

At the same time I now wonder for the reasons you mentioned, if we have the opportunity to correct their prejudice, aren't we obligated to? Why should I wait for others to figure it out and play catch up when they can learn from a direct source. Similar to racism and other prejudices, things don't really change until the "oppressed" speak out. I'm not really talking in the broader sense but at least to the closest people around me who may hold those views. Change really happens one person at a time. Just a thought...

 

[Kevin1968]

she used the words "a little weird" when describing other kids she noticed in her school that might be on the spectrum so that kinda closed the door for me.

My wife sometimes says that I am weird (but only joking between us) and I like to reply that everyone else is "weird", I'm the normal one.

But you are right, if they were perhaps a different race or perhaps a different sexual orientation would she have used similar language?

 

[Thinx]

Fair point. Just yesterday I decided to test out the waters and told a close friend about my son's diagnosis. I thought as an elementary school teacher she might be a little more understanding. But then she used the words "a little weird" when describing other kids she noticed in her school that might be on the spectrum so that kinda closed the door for me.

At the same time I now wonder for the reasons you mentioned, if we have the opportunity to correct their prejudice, aren't we obligated to? Why should I wait for others to figure it out and play catch up when they can learn from a direct source. Similar to racism and other prejudices, things don't really change until the "oppressed" speak out. I'm not really talking in the broader sense but at least to the closest people around me who may hold those views. Change really happens one person at a time. Just a thought...

Well I think the oppressed speaking out may be part of what helps, but there's quite a lot that has to happen for groups to go from being stigmatised to accepted or understood, so as most here have reflected, we have to look at the big picture of social change in relation to this label, as well as what the we wish was happening.

With respect, coming out as a parent of an autistic child is actually not the same as coming out about being autistic yourself. And may need reviewing as the child gets older, and may prefer to be in charge of decisions about disclosure of their own identity labels.

I think diversity legislation can and has made some significant difference to how people are seen and treated, empowerment needs to be assisted by some strong statements too. Seeing ourselves represented in society in positive ways is also very empowering, whereas a lot of us have found that disclosure has led to loss of employment or worsened circumstances currently.

I don't feel obligated to attempt to correct the situation by making statements about my identity, mostly because I don't think that would currently be a successful strategy. I certainly like to educate others about autism though, and I find opportunities to do that.

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

People I have told don't treat me differently, but 2 of the 4 don't believe me and consistently try to convince me I'm experiencing something else (PTSD, OCD, and all kinds of other things they can't decide on because they have zero in-depth knowledge about any of them). The only person who hasn't tried to convince me I'm something else is my sister, who suspects that she has ADHD.
I wish I never told anybody and in the future will only be discussing it with medical/mental health professionals.

 

[Fino]

Unless I've forgotten about some, I've told one person, and that was fine, but he's not a regular person so I didn't use that as motivation for more. I can't even think of another person I would tell if I wanted to.

 

[DavidS]

When I got my diagnosis last month, I told my girlfriend, although it was a theory we were already discussing. She loves me, but I don’t think she gets it either. We both know I don’t handle conflict well, so now it doesn’t exist. Her actions currently are to placate/pacify, but that’s because her hands are terribly full in other areas of life, hopefully when things die down we can finally see each other and sit down together to discuss what to do going forward.

I told my therapist, flew over his head so now I’m in waiting for services from the Center for Autism and Related Disorders.

I told the person I thought was my best friend, the past few months have been depressive for me, and I thought he’d understand and provide some support. I laid everything out to him that no one else knows. Haven’t heard from him in nearly 3 weeks.

The way everyone is talking draws a parallel to the theory autism is shaped in part by your environment. I told my brother but he’s wrapped up in himself, my mother brushed it off. Hasn’t asked about it or tried to understand.

I told coworkers who are fascinated at my quirks (monotonous slow drawl voice, steady masking of calm composure no matter what, geek like ability to solve problems.) I don’t know why I do that, but I do know I feel a little better when I do, but yeah it’s either disbelieved, disregarded, or “yeah we all kinda knew it years ago”.

 

[LadyS]

Side Note: So interestingly, (this happens to me all the time!!) Elon Musk just came out as an Apsie on Saturday Night Live. I also saw a recent story about Amy Schumer talking about her husband and possibly even her kid being on the spectrum. All of it certainly now has people gabbing about it, including warring in the comments between NTs and what they think it means and NDs trying to explain to them how they are wrong or just educating them. I tend to think it helps when people in high positions reveal these kinds of things as a way to normalize it. Like said before, an opportunity to get people to educate others because that's a way to move forward. But watching it play out in real life has helped...

 

[Judge]

I just appreciate the process of celebrities coming out who are able to potentially break the stereotypes. Though as celebrities, I find nothing particularly "normal" about them or their lifestyles. People who generally lead very different lives professionally and personally.

That we really are on a spectrum in terms of traits and behaviors, apart from varying intellects and abilities to interact with others.

 

[Crossbreed]

To the point: Did your friends and family treat you differently after they found about your diagnosis? Better? Worse?

If it is necessary for me to disclose, I frame my ASD1 as being diagnosed with "geekiness,*" rather than autism. (I still acknowledge it as the latter in autism-friendly settings.)

*You said that your culture uses the idea of "slow," which probably is comparable to "retarded" in English. Do you have an equivalent word to "geeky," like otaku, for instance?

 

[LadyS]

*You said that your culture uses the idea of "slow," which probably is comparable to "retarded" in English. Do you have an equivalent word to "geeky," like otaku, for instance?

I never heard of anything close to something meaning "nerd" or "geek" in our dialect so I found an online translator and it gave me words that meant "fool" and "idiot". Talk about offensive. But then I looked up the English definition of nerd and got this:
"a foolish or contemptible person who lacks social skills or is boringly studious."
So probably not the best word choice. I'll have to ask my parents on that one...