Cheated on

[SimonSays]

My first wife cheated on me. It happened after many years of being together, and we were having a lot of issues at the time, but I’d had the feeling something was going on, and I did something that I wouldn't normally do to find out. I looked in her diary. I regretted it really quickly, because I found in there something I should not have known about otherwise.

Perhaps because I’d looked in her diary, or I knew I hadn't been able to give her what she'd needed for some time, I never said anything. I’d had a good idea who it was with, and I was right. So I just decided to accept things as they were, and wondered if at some point she would tell me.

The affair didn't last long, and was really just a sexual thing rather than a love thing as she had no intention of being with him. I know this because she did eventually decide to tell me. I wasn't angry with her. I didn't own her. And things had been going well between us by this point, even though we had split up several times along the way, before she had the affair, only to return each time and try again.

As a man, the feeling of not being good enough, making my wife seek the comfort of someone else, when that job was supposed to be mine, wasn't easy to deal with. But because I wasn't angry or blaming her, and I know that she felt guilty for deceiving me because she was in all other aspects, an honest woman. If I had confronted her she would have admitted it, she would never have lied, and she only lied by omission so as not to hurt me. I should not have known though; reading her diary was still wrong regardless. Her diary was never hidden, she just never assumed that it would ever be read. I didn't read much of it. I just had my suspicions confirmed.

Not revealing that I knew weighed heavily on me. But I couldn't help but forgive her, especially when she admitted it, because at the time we were making a better go of it, and when someone is sincere you forgive them. I couldn't have done it any other way. Like I said I didn't own her. She was free to do what she felt was right for her, and as she said, it was just something that happened. She didn't plan it. I knew he desired her, and she was emotionally vulnerable from what had been going on between us, and he didn't take advantage of her, it was something she wanted to experience.

She was a writer, of fiction, and so I can imagine it is exciting to be involved in a secret life, at least for a while. My commitment to our relationship was being the father of my daughter, rather than the husband to my wife, which may sound like a strange thing, but it was why we were together. Being a dad was the most important thing for me at the time. She had been the perfect mum and partner for that.

We remained together for several years after this. Forgiveness is forgiveness. The past is the past. I knew it would never happen again, and it never did.

Now, I understand that in other cases, being cheated on leaves devastation. Forgiveness is not easy to give, if at all. Sometimes there is simply no way back. For me I’d always felt that even though we were together, every day we were always choosing to be, regardless of whether we were in a relationship. It was a choice. We were still free to decide. And each day we did. But if the next day she felt the need to explore somebody else, and her intention was not to hurt me, then who was I to decide that I should be. I was disappointed, for sure, and certainly my male ego took quite a hit, but in many ways it was good for me, because I was forced to re-evaluate myself and look at why this took place from how I had been.

The relationship hadn't been good between us, but we were committed to being parents, and once our daughter was old enough and had left home, my ex now felt free to end things. Find a completely different life, and eventually find a partner who was far more compatible and whom she could spend the rest of her life with hopefully. I wish her nothing but the best, because I loved her, even though I didn't know how to make her really feel that in a way that she needed me to.

Being a dad was the best experience of my life. I couldn't have been a part of raising my little girl the way I did without my wife being who she was. No regrets.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Ahh never read another person's diary. I did that one and it made me sick to my stomach within moments.

I've been cheated on by several partners and one I forgave and we tried to make a go of things. But having that hanging over your head is a heavy weight to bear. For me, her ex never really left her alone during the time we dated and she cheated several times.

I think when relationships are bad, sometimes rather than end things, people put themselves in situations which should lead to the relationship ending.

I don't know about you, but I find it hard to trust these days. Sure, you can't paint everyone as untrustworthy - but some traumatic moments are hard to ever truly let go.

Ed

 

[SimonSays]

I don't know about you, but I find it hard to trust these days. Sure, you can't paint everyone as untrustworthy - but some traumatic moments are hard to ever truly let go.

I understand.

I had several relationships after her, one became a marriage, and even though none of them lasted, I had no problem trusting, and none of them ended as a result of trust issues. I knew it was important not to believe that the present would have to contain the same ingredients of the past.

May I ask you... in each of the instances that you were cheated on, did you always blame your partner for causing it?

I think when relationships are bad, sometimes rather than end things, people put themselves in situations which should lead to the relationship ending.

Agreed

 

[Raggamuffin]

Nope. My first gf had a lot of mental health issues. As it was my first gf I was too clingy. So my behaviour drove her to do it. Although I think she did it twice but never admitted the first. But her mood and body language for a prolonged time was clear she'd done something wrong.

As for the other - she just got through a lot of men. She wasn't happy in herself. It was a short and intense relationship but it burnt out within months. The following year she dated 9 guys in 12 months. I was her 3rd bf. But she kinda became a bit of a man-eater.

Again though, I think when people aren't happy - it can take a long time to get to the point of breakup. Me and Kristy could've split up years ago, but it kept trundling along. I guess, even if a relationship isn't good for people - there's some degree of comfort in a routine. It can be hard to end that, because the aftermath can be stressful. Perhaps it's the course of least resistance to just stay put.

I'm happy being single for the first time in a very long time.

Ed

 

[SimonSays]

To me there is a difference between dating and marriage. Although it seems like most people don't really see it this way.

If there is no commitment to be together, should we expect fidelity from someone we are just enjoying being with? Who says dating someone has to be exclusive? Why do we expect it to be?

But I think most people do. In my experience, many people in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships act as if they're 'married'. I do understand if they are living together; a common law marriage. But what right do we have to expect another free individual to be faithful to us, when they haven't actually committed to it?

I'm not saying I would be okay with someone who is not exclusively with me, and I never have been in a relationship like that, but I know people can be, as long as it's open and consenting there's no problem. I do wish people wouldn't deceive and be dishonest, but then they probably do so because they know the other person would be hurt.

I too am appreciating my single life. It is so much less complicated, and it means that I can find again the feminine energy that I need from a more Universal source rather than a human one.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I see merit to an open relationship, although I don't think it'd be the right dynamic for myself. Right now, I want to work on where I want to be. Take a few years single and I'm sure, when I feel the time is right, there'll be someone I will meet along the way.

Ed

 

[Suzette]

@SimonSays
I think you have a rare gift of emotional intelligence.
Most humans operate on a lower vibration and can not imagine any human experience past their own emotional view.
For some reason I want to say "Good job lad".

 

[Magna]

I've been cheated on by two different partners in my life that I know of. One was a girlfriend and the other my first wife.

@SimonSays , you mention in dating should both people expect exclusivity: If both people establish and have a mutual understanding of the dating parameters they set for each other and both agree to exclusivity, then yes there can be expectations of fidelity even in dating. Then breaking that agreement without telling the other person first is cheating.

I don't know if it's true, but I recall reading that statistically women cheat more than men do even though most people would think it's the other way around.

I also wonder if the statistics are different in neurologically mixed relationships where the woman is NT and the man is ND. Do NT women cheat on their ND men more often than NT women cheat on their NT men? I wonder if there is a difference.

 

[SimonSays]

If both people establish and have a mutual understanding of the dating parameters they set for each other and both agree to exclusivity, then yes there can be expectations of fidelity even in dating. Then breaking that agreement without telling the other person first is cheating.

Yes, although in reality do people really have those kind of conversations or is it just assumed to be the case?

I know that I've always assumed fidelity in any romantic relationship. But then I've never being involved in casual affairs or one night stands. I'm either really getting to know you or it's not happening; there is no sexual contact unless I'm involved or going to be. I've also never cheated. I can't imagine living in such a deceptive world. I have too much need to be authentic.

I also wonder if the statistics are different in neurologically mixed relationships where the woman is NT and the man is ND. Do NT women cheat on their ND men more often than NT women cheat on their NT men? I wonder if there is a difference.

It is an interesting question. We may never know.

 

[paloftoon]

To me there is a difference between dating and marriage. Although it seems like most people don't really see it this way.

If there is no commitment to be together, should we expect fidelity from someone we are just enjoying being with? Who says dating someone has to be exclusive? Why do we expect it to be?

. . ..

While what you say is true, it is also true that if you are unclear what the situation is, you try to talk about your (potential) partner if the situation progresses far enough. There's "nothing wrong" with asking if you and the other person want to be in a committed relationship if say you've met each other 6 times in-person and are getting along well enough or it's been say 2-3 months and the bond seems strong to you. People have different preferences and are open to different things depending on the people involved and their "mood". If dating gets to the point of potential commitment, or if the context leads in that way without it making it seem like I would be rushing things, then I ask. If you are not sure when it's okay to ask, then don't until a significant amount of time has passed. A good friend and/or therapist can help you determine when is a good time to talk to someone about this kind of thing if you aren't sure yourself. It's always good to have a check for yourself even if you don't agree with it because sometimes, bouncing ideas off others can give you perspective, something you can learn from, and something that may help you avoid a mistake. It might be an unintentional way to make a mistake too, but it is an educated, positive risk to take.

 

[Magna]

Yes, although in reality do people really have those kind of conversations or is it just assumed to be the case?

I know that I've always assumed fidelity in any romantic relationship. But then I've never being involved in casual affairs or one night stands. I'm either really getting to know you or it's not happening; there is no sexual contact unless I'm involved or going to be. I've also never cheated. I can't imagine living in such a deceptive world. I have too much need to be authentic.


It is an interesting question. We may never know.

I think it's likely common for a relationship discussion to touch on exclusivity at a stage in dating when the relationship becomes more serious. I assumed everyone did that. I recall those conversations during my dating life.

You brought up something I found interesting and that I resonate with: You called it "feminine energy". I've always had a desire, I'd even maybe go as far as to say a need for being around women. This need is more encompassing than purely sexual. I've found much more benefit in my life being friends with women than men. There is a feminine energy in women. It's very special and I adore it.

 

[SimonSays]

I've always had a desire, I'd even maybe go as far as to say a need for being around women. This need is more encompassing than purely sexual. I've found much more benefit in my life being friends with women than men. There is a feminine energy in women. It's very special and I adore it.

Yes, me too. By a long way.

The issues seems to arise through what could be described as the addiction to a specific person's feminine energy, coming out of sexual desire and then connection. And then for a moment we can bask in the feeling of completeness that comes from it.

"It explains why power struggles arise in romantic relationships. We’ve always wondered what causes the bliss and euphoria of love to end, to suddenly turn into conflict. It is a result of the flow of energy between the individuals involved.

When love first happens, the two individuals are giving each other energy unconsciously and both people feel buoyant and elated. That’s the high we all call being “in love.” Unfortunately, once they expect this feeling to come from the other person, they cut themselves off from the energy in the universe and begin to rely even more on the energy from each other—only now there doesn’t seem to be enough and so they stop giving each other energy and fall back into an attempt to control each other and force the other’s energy their way. At this point the relationship degenerates into the usual power struggle.” JR.

So being around women platonically rather than in relationship with them, allows for the interchange of energy without any sort of possession/attachment interfering.

 

[SimonSays]

There's "nothing wrong" with asking if you and the other person want to be in a committed relationship if say you've met each other 6 times in-person and are getting along well enough or it's been say 2-3 months and the bond seems strong to you. People have different preferences and are open to different things depending on the people involved and their "mood". If dating gets to the point of potential commitment, or if the context leads in that way without it making it seem like I would be rushing things, then I ask. If you are not sure when it's okay to ask, then don't until a significant amount of time has passed. A good friend and/or therapist can help you determine when is a good time to talk to someone about this kind of thing if you aren't sure yourself. It's always good to have a check for yourself even if you don't agree with it because sometimes, bouncing ideas off others can give you perspective, something you can learn from, and something that may help you avoid a mistake. It might be an unintentional way to make a mistake too, but it is an educated, positive risk to take.

What you say sounds very reasonable, but I can honestly say it's not something I've experienced. Let me see if I can explain...

I've never dated in a way that would relate to what you said. I've always known I'm going to be with someone almost instantly, and it's just a question of when that happens. So for me, it is having the opportunity to get to know someone, being open and feeling the chemistry, then becoming emotionally intimate, and the relationship goes from there. It doesn't feel like a possibility, it feels more like a certainty.

I've only had one or maybe two 'dates' where I knew that nothing was going to happen. Every other time there is a feeling of impending connection, and it always resulted in something long-term happening.

I don't actually ask women that I fancy out. I have never felt right about that. Feels somehow contriving, even manipulating, and I want to be myself as quickly as possible, without feeling like I have to play any kind of role. I don't do small talk well, so I don't want there to be any implied romantic aspirations in spending time with someone. I am interested in them because they are interesting and I want to know them better and reveal myself to them. The rest takes care of itself, because I'm happy just to be friends, without agenda.

 

[Aspychata]

Interesting posts here. A lot of woman can come from a place of neediness. My self , l am trying to leave an environment that hasn't been healthy for many years. The one l have been with currently with doesn't wish to commit a tab more seriously. And l respect them and their choices. So l have revisted with someone else who seems older and more mature and may actually desire a future with me. So it's tough for me right now. I have to think health plans and someone that wants to take care of me in my elder stage. Lol. And me them. But the interesting thing- the one who can't settle with me is the one fearing the pain of losing the one they care for due to sickness and death. So they feel uninvolved might feel safer emotionally and l get that. So choices about relationships are quite complex when you are a older female with no ability to work due to your age. You suddenly have to revisit your choices of where to *rot* peacefully.

 

[SimonSays]

Considering that you would forgive someone who hurt you on a whim instead of confronting them, that may be why she wasn't happy with you in the first place.

Interesting point. She didn't do this on a whim, quite a bit of time after knowing him went by before it happened (he was our previous neighbour). There was no way I could have known what was going on without having read her diary. So therefore technically I didn't know and therefore couldn't confront her. I loved her and could understand why she'd felt the need to look elsewhere. So I endeavoured to make things better between us rather than confront her about an action that I was in part responsible for.

 

[Aspychata]

Truthfully, l never feel a need to control, because control wrecks the flow of continuity between two individuals. So the minute you step on the control sphere, you are disrespecting the law of universal energy that two have together. There is an energy generated with 2 together but we forget this law because we wrap ourselves up in the control dilemma. We never really know someone until they are gone, then how they treated us (with control or no control).

 

[1ForAll]

Cheating is cheating. I would not view any person differently regardless of reason they did it, as of course the cheater could lie why they did it to minimize the affair. As well, unless deemed legally incompetent, regarding such decision making matters, it will be assumed they will be seen as knowing right from wrong.

In all other cases though, it wouldn't mean I will act hysterical against that cheater, as its none of my business what they do or do not do. It'll be up to the other and that cheater to work through it, or to leave the other. Everyone will be held accountable for what they do and do not do in life, regardless of reason.

 

[SimonSays]

Why on earth would anyone with any sense write about it in a diary that's kept in a house where the victim has access to reading it.

Because she knew her diary was sacred and no one would ever read it. I felt terrible having done so even though it confirmed what I'd been feeling. So I knew the truth but also didn't. This created a powerful conflict within me. If I revealed that I knew, I was also revealing that I had looked in her diary.

Why did you allow it to continue, instead of confronting the issue head on?

This is a good question, and one that I have not really found a good answer for.

You would have to understand the state of my mental health at the time. How much I relied on her. I wasn't in a good place. Caught in co-dependency. Low self-esteem. Struggling with things I just wasn't able to deal with. Her family never accepted me. I was struggling to stay connected to something that should have ended a long time ago. We weren't even living together any more. I had a small flat 10 minutes walk away. But we would spend our days together, buy food together, I would cook and we would eat at her place, as a family, and in the evening I would walk back to my place every single night.

So you could say that technically, while we were still together and had found a way to allow us to be for the sake of our daughter, we were slowly ending things. I simply wasn't ready to actually do so. I did try walking away several times. I packed a small backpack and set off with the intention of not coming back, and I'd get two, maybe three hours away, and I start to see sense and realise I just made things harder for myself when I didn't have to. So I'd turn round, tail between my legs, and make my way back before anybody noticed I'd gone. Even though I had gone only I knew it, because I knew that I didn't have to go, lost my nerve.

I got as far as southern India once, all the way back to the ashram, before realising I couldn't stay and had to return to be the dad that I needed to be. That's when I knew that she would have to end it. And she did. And that's when I ended up living in a van, and that was the start of my journey to understand myself better. To heal. To find who I really am. I'm still on that journey.

Maybe she wanted him to find it so he would end the relationship? Or it was her way of confessing without really confronting him.

That is an excellent theory. I would disagree with wanting me to find it, but confessing without confronting me, I would never have thought that.

 

[Au Naturel]

To me there is a difference between dating and marriage. Although it seems like most people don't really see it this way.

If there is no commitment to be together, should we expect fidelity from someone we are just enjoying being with? Who says dating someone has to be exclusive? Why do we expect it to be?

But I think most people do. In my experience, many people in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships act as if they're 'married'. I do understand if they are living together; a common law marriage. But what right do we have to expect another free individual to be faithful to us, when they haven't actually committed to it?

I'm not saying I would be okay with someone who is not exclusively with me, and I never have been in a relationship like that, but I know people can be, as long as it's open and consenting there's no problem. I do wish people wouldn't deceive and be dishonest, but then they probably do so because they know the other person would be hurt.

I too am appreciating my single life. It is so much less complicated, and it means that I can find again the feminine energy that I need from a more Universal source rather than a human one.

A lot of people consider dating to be practice for marriage. If you can't be "faithful" then, you won't be able to later. So seeing another woman romantically is a big no-no. Some would go so far as to say having a friendly female acquaintance of any kind is a no-no.

I've never taken that point of view. Neither did my wife. Until we got engaged we were both free to see other people. Dating is a compatibility test and you can't test it without having others to compare it to. The injunction against having close friends of the opposite sex never made any sense to us. It is a fantasy that one person can be everything to another. The idea is just never to be secretive about it.

 

[Aspychata]

I have jealous pangs. Sadly, we do want to be their *all*.

She shouldn't have messed around. She should have told you and asked what you wanted to do. A lot of people have affairs when they can't tell the other one it's over. It's a wussy way and a lot of guys use that to break up their marriage.

She and you had run the course. Nobody's fault. Just perhaps facts. It's hard to be one when you have been 2 for so long. Breaking up is actual very hard to do as you stated. So to go back to single status is a downfall until you get back into your groove.

Many couples stay together because breaking up is too traumatizing for either of them. The divorce attorneys know that by the time a couple actually files for divorce, it's already ten years too late. Surprising isn't it.

I can't mess around because l would never want to make the person l care for feel bad. Like hey, no biggie, l am just going to shag the neighbor, the milkman, the vet, whatever. To me that's like telling lies. Don't do it.