Challenges in ASD/NT relationships from Aspie POV

[sisselcakes]

I've gotten so much great feedback and insight on here about my relationship with my ASD boyfriend. I've also done a ton of reading. Both have helped me tremendously. I'm someone who can cope better if I understand something intellectually.

I'm curious to know people's experience from the other perspective. For those who are on the autistic spectrum, what difficulties do you find in romantic relationships? What are common challenges and have you been successful at overcoming or ameliorating them?

I'm interested to hear your comments and experiences.

 

[Azul-Infinito]

Good question- This is hard to explain but Theory of Mind, and the Sally Anne marble test, explains this very simply, as its something ive been thiking about a lot . I do believe it as at the core of some of my interpersonal struggles.

Basically i think, "Of course you know what i know ,and see things in the logical, codified way that i do. Duh!! You are just choosing not to , because of some NT malarkey that i dont understand .'

When in reality that is not true. I end up being verbose and over explaining everything to counteract this, which creates its own problems.

Thats a big one.

 

[sisselcakes]

Good question- This is hard to explain but Theory of Mind, and the Sally Anne marble test, explains this very simply, as its something ive been thiking about a lot . I do believe it as at the core of some of my interpersonal struggles.

Basically i think, "Of course you know what i know ,and see things in the logical, codified way that i do. Duh!! You are just choosing not to , because of some NT malarkey that i dont understand .'

When in reality that is not true. I end up being verbose and over explaining everything to counteract this, which creates its own problems.

Thats a big one.

That's so interesting. I find that my ASD bf feels the need to explain something ad nauseum (over a period of time) even if I tell him (due to my own ADHD) that there are some things I can change and other things I can't because it's a neuro deficit. His tendency to be more rigid than I and to prefer things be a certain manner, it does help with my tendency of being disorganized. the down side of this is I tend to "behave" to keep him from getting annoyed. I don't like living this way or behaving in a way out of fear. That's stressful.

So from what you explain, it sounds like both partners face the same frustration - the feeling of not being understood. Perhaps we experience that differently but it's still a challenge and frustration. My bf CANNOT wrap his head around the fact people don't see things in what he considers logical. He can understand others don't see things the same as he, but it's an intellectual understanding- not a true ability to imagine it.

I'll check out that marble thing. I think I may have seen a video of it. Appreciate your response. I know how it feels from my end but was interested to know how it might be from the other side of things.

 

[Azul-Infinito]

My bf CANNOT wrap his head around the fact people don't see things in what he considers logical.

Yeah... Bingo. I think this info graphic almost over explains it, but Yeah! That's interesting that he and i are dealing with similar interpersonal issues.

Your so sweet to be so gracious about getting a reply. Honestly, its nice to be able to think out loud. So thank you. .

 

[Rayner]

I'm 18 and my girlfriend Kelly is 19 almost 20. We live together in a one bedroom apartment. Because of my sensitivity to certain stimuli, physical intimacy can be challenging. We don't often have communication difficulties, although I have tendency to keep things bottled up inside. That's really all I can think of right now.

 

[Grenade]

I've gotten so much great feedback and insight on here about my relationship with my ASD boyfriend. I've also done a ton of reading. Both have helped me tremendously. I'm someone who can cope better if I understand something intellectually.

I'm curious to know people's experience from the other perspective. For those who are on the autistic spectrum, what difficulties do you find in romantic relationships? What are common challenges and have you been successful at overcoming or ameliorating them?

I'm interested to hear your comments and experiences.

My husband and I have been married for six years and my having HFA helps him tough it out. To explain a little, neither of us has known that I have autism until recently and this new understanding explains so much. If my actions/reactions are something that are caused by a different brain mapping, it is easier for him to understand it and cut me some slack. For six years, he thought I was unhappy with him and just a curmudgeon at heart. Now we both realize that my real self is the happy one.

Communication is extremely hard for us because he has ADHD and sometimes he can't communicate any better than I can. I have learned to ask him to be specific when he asks a question. It's a bit unfair because if I had to be specific when communicating, I'd be between a rock and a hard space. I feel fortunate that God put us together. We laugh sometimes because we're such cracked pots. We joke that God sure has a sense of humor.

 

[shinkansen]

This is hard to explain but Theory of Mind, and the Sally Anne marble test, explains this very simply

I failed the Sally Anne test.

To be more accurate, while I was on the waiting list to be seen for an ASD assessment, I researched autism. Had no idea that I could be on the spectrum, until an ADHD doctor spotted the symptoms and referred me.

During waiting list research days, everything was new. I naively did a YouTube Sally Anne test. It was unscientific and I was curious. Initially I gave the autistic answer.

 

[sisselcakes]

My husband and I have been married for six years and my having HFA helps him tough it out. To explain a little, neither of us has known that I have autism until recently and this new understanding explains so much. If my actions/reactions are something that are caused by a different brain mapping, it is easier for him to understand it and cut me some slack. For six years, he thought I was unhappy with him and just a curmudgeon at heart. Now we both realize that my real self is the happy one.

Communication is extremely hard for us because he has ADHD and sometimes he can't communicate any better than I can. I have learned to ask him to be specific when he asks a question. It's a bit unfair because if I had to be specific when communicating, I'd be between a rock and a hard space. I feel fortunate that God put us together. We laugh sometimes because we're such cracked pots. We joke that God sure has a sense of humor.

Great story. Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you guys have faced and overcome some challenges. I have ADHD too! What a couple my bf and I are! Ha ha.

 

[Grenade]

Great story. Thanks for sharing. Sounds like you guys have faced and overcome some challenges. I have ADHD too! What a couple my bf and I are! Ha ha.

Some days we overcome.
Some days we are overcome.


Today was my official diagnosis day so it was a good one for both of us.

 

[Grenade]

I have ADHD too! What a couple my bf and I are! Ha ha.

We must remember to laugh from time to time, right?

 

[Mia]

We laugh sometimes because we're such cracked pots. We joke that God sure has a sense of humor.

It is interesting isn't it? Spouse and I are both Aspies, but un-diagnosed for most of our lives. Whatever connection that attracted us to one another in the first place, was one of understanding on some level, and still is after thirty plus years. Have continually wondered how two Aspies unaware that they are, could meet, date, marry and stay together. Wonder what the statistics are on that?

 

[sisselcakes]

I'm 18 and my girlfriend Kelly is 19 almost 20. We live together in a one bedroom apartment. Because of my sensitivity to certain stimuli, physical intimacy can be challenging. We don't often have communication difficulties, although I have tendency to keep things bottled up inside. That's really all I can think of right now.

Thanks for sharing! Everyone has their own challenges. Glad I'm not alone. Sounds like you guys have a pretty good thing going!

 

[sisselcakes]

It is interesting isn't it? Spouse and I are both Aspies, but un-diagnosed for most of our lives. Whatever connection that attracted us to one another in the first place, was one of understanding on some level, and still is after thirty plus years. Have continually wondered how two Aspies unaware that they are, could meet, date, marry and stay together. Wonder what the statistics are on that?

Maybe you are simply one of a kind! You all are certainly doing something right even if you haven't intended it. I'm happy for you.

 

[ovpt]

we are all different whether it be on the spectrum, adhd, nt, and all the other issues out there. we also present differently for each issue we may have. it comes down to whether people can accept who we are and work together to make a relationship

 

[ovpt]

i would imagine both partners on the spectrum as having a higher level of success in the relationship being they would have closer ideas of what successful relationships are and less suseptible to manipulation

 

[sisselcakes]

i would imagine both partners on the spectrum as having a higher level of success in the relationship being they would have closer ideas of what successful relationships are and less suseptible to manipulation

Like you said, we are all individuals with our own unique strengths and weaknesses, but you do make a good point about a lower likelihood of an ASD/ASD couple to be manipulative or "play games". Thanks for responding. Love hearing people's input.

 

[sisselcakes]

Posted this in another recent, related thread. It's too good to not post again. This was my "ingenious" idea - draw a flowchart to show the cause and effect of my bf's responses to certain sensitive subjects I would like him to drop. They weren't intended to receive comments, yet he felt compelled. LOL.

 

[Azul-Infinito]

An NT breaking things down into a black and white aspie logic. This is actually something ive never seen. I think it is quite clever! I might use something like this in the future. Did you come up with this yourself?

Though your subject matter is one of those things that literally no man and woman communicate well about. But still very good thought process!

 

[sisselcakes]

An NT breaking things down into a black and white aspie logic. This is actually something ive never seen. I think it is quite clever! I might use something like this in the future. Did you come up with this yourself?

Though your subject matter is one of those things that literally no man and woman communicate well about. But still very good thought process!

I appreciate that you appreciate it! It is yet to be seen if it will be successful, though. I've read a lot of about ASD and I've been with my BF for almost 2 years, so I feel I now him well. This site has been invaluable in my learning, as well.

Since everyone seems to have a different combo of traits, my bf does fine in somethings but I have found he has extreme theory of mind issues. I've asked him to read some more about the condition so we have a basis from which to work on our relationship challenges.

I ain't perfect. I've got to make some changes to things that drive him crazy about me! I'll write back to let you know if this is a successful strategy!

Peace to you.

 

[Mia]

I ain't perfect. I've got to make some changes to things that drive him crazy about me! I'll write back to let you know if this is a successful strategy!

Reading this reminded me a little of your chart, and, it may help me as well she says 'as she dusts the exercise equipment' : How you can trick yourself into getting more exercise, according to a psychologist