Can't handle change

[kita]

I've been in a relationship for a long time now and I've always had a difficult time in general dealing with changes (big or small-- even my partner disrupting day to day routine stuff can be extremely difficult for me to process) and it feels like this is only getting worse. I'm now to the point where I feel like I can't do anything but panic when things don't go as I expect them to. Which, obviously, is a pretty frequent thing considering people aren't static and are prone to doing unexpected things.

I get really scared that I'll just never be able to handle people and that I'm bound to make my partner hate me. I try really hard not to show when I get really upset by these small things because it makes me feel overreactive and controlling, but it's hard at the same time to hold this in. It hurts to be this way.

 

[Suzanne]

I know the feeling well. Whenever my husband suddenly has a good idea, that sends me into panic, because I cannot tell whether he is being serious or just throwing ideas around, and many a time, I have taken him literally to the point of being sick to the heart, for the inevitable change and then, when it doesn't take place, I am confused and mention it and he says: oh I was just pondering!

I found out later in life that I have aspergers and my husband is one of the worst to live with, because he does not like things diverted from himself, so it is a huge inconvenience to him and he often gets angry with me and derrides me. Also will come out with: oh I took you too literally, does that mean I have aspergers? I really find myself despising him often and it is horrible.

Being that you have a partner, you should try and be honest with what is going on and if he is a good person, then to be honest, he should try and work with you and if you are not married, it may be worth leaving the relationship.

Anyway, I too hate change and hate it when I am confronted with a new concept and tend to escape inside my head, to get away from the anguish that is in front of me.

 

[kita]

Anyway, I too hate change and hate it when I am confronted with a new concept and tend to escape inside my head, to get away from the anguish that is in front of me.

I definitely understand what you mean. I almost always turn to escaping in my head if things get too overwhelming for me. I'm sorry you have to deal with this kind of struggle in your relationship, too-- I can't even imagine how much easier things would be if small changes didn't make me feel so panicked.

 

[Judge]

I've spent most of my adult life citing all the dynamic change that routinely occurred on the job. That I could handle it.

Yeah, I took it. But it always has- and always will stress me to no end.

 

[Tom]

This is very common with autistics. But I think it is an area that can be worked on with constructive thinking and attitude. As you already know its not a good trait to have and it is not likely to go away by itself. The majority of the time the change is not important or worth fighting. Instead of focusing on what you wanted or expected to happen, focus on making the new plan work. Its a concious mental shift from looking at it negatively to at least neutrally, if not positively.

Why? Because stuff happens and changes are inevitable. You can't change that. All you can do is try and insulate and isolate yourself more and more in an attempt to control the environment and probably end up more miserable then ever. It's a dead end street.

Something I do personally as a mental spur whenever I start balking at a change is reproach myself in my mind (for childish complaining) like a drill sergeant (I was military so this resonates with me). I'd give you an example but drill sergeants can be a little colorful in their language.

I don't know if something like that would work for you, or what mental routine you might use. Maybe more of the carrot then stick. But developing something to help is useful, as it is a strong natural tendency and you may need to develop weapons against it.