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Featured Can't Connect to People

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by lilcrybabytears, Jun 11, 2018.

  1. lilcrybabytears

    lilcrybabytears Active Member

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    I was wondering if anyone else has a problem truly connecting to people. I don't feel like I have a connection with my own parents in a matter of fact. It's like I'm another species. To further explain, think of a dog and a human. Although a dog can understand what the human is saying, the connection between them isn't the same as a connection between two humans. Is there some article or explanation for this?
     
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  2. sidd851

    sidd851 If I'm not late, I'm not needed. V.I.P Member

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    While I have no direct answer for you, I can confirm this same difficulty. For me, it leads to crippling loneliness at times. I will be happy to discuss this, if you desire. I will always be willing to speak if it is troubling you.
     
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  3. FreeDiver

    FreeDiver How long can you hold your breath? V.I.P Member

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    You're not alone here. almost everyone here is dealing with the exact same thing you're dealing with. You've come to the right place.
     
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  4. Aidos

    Aidos New Member

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    Yes - I also have this problem.

    It's one of the main reasons I think I'm HFA - I don't connect to things or people. That is to say, I don't 'miss' them.

    I tend to be in the in the moment, which can be very enjoyable, but once I move on to a new situation, the past is not forgotten, but there's no longing to reconnect with it.

    The exceptions are my interests, but those come and go too.

    And as sidd mentioned above, I feel very lonely at the moment.
     
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  5. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I can connect when I try. But its like I have to do a mental reset and put in the correct program. But once engaged I feel natural social aspects do come out in me. So its not entirely mask.

    But I also prefer a lot of time by myself, and can go a little crazy over time without it.

    Connection with animals, like a dog, is also easier. I could almost imagine running with a dog pack if their table manners weren't so disgusting. Some go as far as putting the napkin on the right of the dinner plate. Appalling! :D
     
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  6. WittyAspie

    WittyAspie The One And Only V.I.P Member

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    Your struggle sounds familiar. I have never felt connected to my parents. I used to think my family was entirely dysfunctional (and we were to at least some degree), but now I wonder if a lot of that was just me. I rarely connect to anyone and even when I do it usually feels fleeting.

    The only people I have ever made an easy connection with were my kids when they were really little. But as soon as they grew up just a little I lost that connection. I really don't understand it. I just know its part of who I am.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2018
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  7. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yup. Nothing like going through life having that nagging feeling that you are always on the outside looking in when it comes to interacting with others.

    A feeling that never quite goes away even with the most positive of social interactions when they occasionally happen.
     
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  8. sidd851

    sidd851 If I'm not late, I'm not needed. V.I.P Member

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    Hello, Aidos. I'm also new here, kind of reached out in hopes of quelling that loneliness. While I can say that it has not gone away, it has become tolerable, and I have been very encouraged by connections that I would have been incapable of making on my own, elsewhere.I am currently fighting the urge(and losing) to spend every waking moment to devour everything on this site. I cannot say what my long-term view will be, but, for the first time in a LONG time, I am excited over the prospect of interaction. Trying NOT to be a total geek over it!
    Welcome, from a noob.
    If I can help in any way, please feel free to ask.
     
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  9. Aidos

    Aidos New Member

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    Thank you!
     
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  10. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    My parents were the ONLY ones I felt connected to.
    Feeling totally alone is something I am not getting used to now that I've lost them.
    I hope someday I will find a way as I know I'll never connect with anyone like that again.
    Instead of feeling like I'm outside looking in, I feel I'm inside looking out.
    I'm the wall, the fortress that no one is allowed emotionally in.
    Welcome here!
    Hiddenbeach.jpg
    Keep following the signs, maybe someday we'll find it.
     
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  11. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    Yes, I don't connect to people in the same way as people can usually connect to each other. I lack this back-and-forth emotional recipocity, it's like watcning TV or like being behind a glass screen.
     
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  12. Dillon Campbell

    Dillon Campbell Well-Known Member

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    Normally I can’t relate with NT people at times as in they wouldn’t understand what I go through if I ever were to say anything about my condition. Although I do stress about that at times I tend to stay positive about it knowing I’m fine the way I am. The most important person you can really connect to is yourself.
     
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  13. Bella Pines

    Bella Pines Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I do struggle to connect to people, always have done. Mostly because the majority of people that I meet are so infernally boring, it's like trying to connect to wet towel. It just drips over you and sits there in a soggy heap. I occasionally meet people that interest me, there was a woman on my last project (my bffn, best friend for now), who was incredible. She was vibrant and passionate, a strong and intense personality. She somehow managed to juggle like 3 kids, 2 cats and a successful career whilst still looking amazing. I wonder now if she was real or just in my head... But I connected to her instantly and we worked really well together for over a year. But it always fades and I haven't talked to her for months. But I think a lot of it is, that I don't make the effort. Not initially, I do throw myself into it, but on a sustained basis. I have her phone number, I can arrange a coffee meet at any time, but do I make the effort, or do I sit alone with my laptop? Hmmm :emojiconfused:
     
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  14. sidd851

    sidd851 If I'm not late, I'm not needed. V.I.P Member

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    -------------->
     
  15. MrSpock

    MrSpock Live long and prosper

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    I also feel unable to connect to people, family included. There have been a few people I've felt connected to, do feel connected to, but not as well as I'd like.

    I am emotionally capable of connection, perhaps more so than most. Difficulty with communication and a difference of perspective so vast that most are unable or unwilling to conceive of it almost always stand in the way.

    This site is a very poor substitute for a wife. But I'm so glad that I found it. I have found some level of understanding here, I hope you do too. Welcome.
     
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  16. WittyAspie

    WittyAspie The One And Only V.I.P Member

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    I literally burst out laughing when I read your comparison of boring people to a wet towel. So many people are just soggy, aren't they?
     
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  17. Shamar

    Shamar Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    As others have said, everyone here has the same problem to a greater or lessor extent. You are not alone here, and most of us will try to help you with any problems you have, if we can.

    Isn't it ironic that a bunch of people who can't form connections are connected together here?

    Be very wary of confusing relief from loneliness with love. It feels like what I think love feels like, but only lasts until you no longer feel alone. And then you are alone again.
     
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  18. Tellesu

    Tellesu New Member

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    The crushing and endless lonleliness is pretty overwhelming a lot of the time. It significantly detracts from my ability to get things done and mimics the effects of chronic pain to some extent. No solution presents itself since people have to choose you even if you choose them and often they simply... don't. The only thing that chances are the specific details of their rejection. It took me a while to realize they were just rationalizing their discomfort with the oddness in me they couldn't put their finger on.

    Since I have no control over the situation I try not to think about it more than my own mind forces me to.
     
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  19. Shamar

    Shamar Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    This is nearly how I feel. The main difference (possibly, I don't know the specifics of your situation) is that I am unable to approach anyone. Thus, there is no rejection. I can choose someone, but that is as far as it goes, since no contact is made. I can go up to someone only if the other person shows an interest; then I almost invariably (since I also have ADD) say exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong moment.
     
  20. Tellesu

    Tellesu New Member

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    One of the things I realized is that if you are true to yourself and you say anything that is "wrong" that person wasn't going to be a good match for you anyway. It helps to do less talking and let them drive the conversation. Learning the cadence of stand up comedians and the way they deliver material also helps because then when you say weird things people just think you're funny. Even if you fail to connect every failure is a learning experience that can teach you valuable things for next time.

    You can also minimize potential harm by doing a simple "drive by" encounter. If you see someone who is interesting to you, give them a quick once over and pick something about them that represents their choices or skills that you like. For example, if they are wearing a particularly pleasing mix of colors, or a super cool hat, go up, tell them "I like the color matching that you did in that outfit" or "that is an exceptional hat!" If they don't respond enthusiastically, smile your best smile and say "I just wanted to say that, have a good one" and go back to what you were doing. If they stop you from leaving or if they follow you over you've got their attention.

    If this sounds overwhelming, there are even more modest interim steps you can try.

    My problem is definitely not this part, I've got a complex combination of issues that make it hard to go from friends to more than friends. So even though I talk to people just fine I struggle still with loneliness.