Can my boyfriend have Aspergers? Long text...

[Elisabeth79]

HI... I´m new on the forum. And sorry my bad english. It´s not my mothertongue. I have some questions and a "story" and maybe i can get some help in here

For little over 6 moths ago i meet a vey nice and handsome single dad. We are both over the 30+.
Early he told me - "I´m not like all others". What i know, he don´t have any diagnosis "on the paper", but i know he´s mother is bipolar and also have borderline.

But this is diffrent. And maybe my "story" will be little long. I´m sorry for that.

Anyhow he have told me, He like to be alone, so much he can. He don´t like social things so much. Have some problem to communication feelings and deeper things. He don´t like loud sounds. A bit difficult to be near. Some mild form of stimmings, cracking knuckles sometimes.

I don´t know if he have so much special interests But i know he likes boats a lot.

Two months ago, he stopped communicating altogether. No feelings. no nice and sweet words etc.
I ask him was the problem was and He texted me back, He didnt know if he was a relation guy. Earlier things (hes relationship to hes childs mom maybe).... bla bla bla... and he knowed him self. But OK he give us a try....Because he like me so much.

He also told me, "I have some down-periods", sometimes.

And now it´s time again, 2 moths later, same thing. :-/ After a very great date...three days He stop communicate with me again, from a day to another. All the warm feelings from him is gone. This have been there for 3 weeks now. And i have read about something "aspies" call for "shutdown periods".

For how long can this shutdowns be there? Days, weeks, months??? He still working, take care of hes child, meet hes brother. But it´s me he is so far away from again. I haven´t meet him for this 3 weeks now. And we lives nearby.

I really trye to understand him. And my feelings says to me.... Calm down, this must be aspergers.

So what are you guys out there thinking about this? Can it be aspbergers??

Other things he is really good on, is wordfeud. He always win. I always loose. Thats really true.
And a small other things i have notice over that in hes home. (He does).

And the last one thing about him (or well there are many things but i start with this)... His ex told me that he has been hard for changes

So please, help me understand. And help me with this shutdown periods. What can i do? Be quiet? don´t say a thing over messenger? Be there and text small things?
How can I tell him, i want to meet him soon? I have trye so hard with the last moment, A meeting.

Sorry again, for the english. :-/ I have trye ;-) Thanks... :-*

 

[zurb]

Welcome to AC.
I can't say if he has Aspergers, though that is possible.
What I can say is that many aspies have depression which he could be struggling with.
And typically when I have a high, its immediately followed by a low - probably at least 1:1 time ratio if not 1:2. The more people/noise intensive, the longer the recharge time.

 

[Elisabeth79]

Thank you

Well other small things, He have maybe ONE malefriend who visit him. And then hes brother.

He is so diffrent all other guys i know,and he is hard to understand but so sweet and kind.

One time, I'd take a glass of water but I did not take any glass I wanted. They would be used in right order ;-)

When he works in the kitchen. cooking and so, it's like watching a show. Most usually perfect done

 

[StephF]

Hej Elisabeth, welcome to the AC forums. Your english is very good

 

[Elisabeth79]

Thank you I´ll do my best.

 

[Tom]

Just my opinion. A few days break is understandable, as Aspies do need recharge time. A few weeks seems to indicate something else is at work. My guess is either he is actually not interested in a long term relationship or interaction with you (although good on one level) is stressful for him.

I wouldn't contact him, attempt to recall him, again this time. You have already done that once. If he does re-initiate it I would talk with him about this and find out if there is anything that can be done to make it happen at a more sustainable pace, that doesn't require extended breakaways. I would find those very disconcerting if I was in your shoes. Something I would perhaps try and fix, but not just live with.

 

[Cosmophylla]

Hi Elisabeth79, welcome to AC. Please don't apologise for your English. It's very good!

Your boyfriend does seem to be in a low mood. It may be serious depression, but it may not. He seems to have Aspie traits and behaviours so I would say it is possible he is on the spectrum but that is just my opinion.

I go through burnout/shutdowns, lows, and depressions, in cycles. Sometimes the cycles are long and slow and sometimes they are shorter. Usually what happens is I'm trying to do too many things at one time...like study plus look after children plus look after the garden plus cook food every day plus visit family and so on... My mind is always busy but if I try to put too many things into my head, I get soooooo tired and frustrated. Then I need more and more time alone. If I don't have time alone, I get angrier and have more problems with my children. And that makes me feel worse, so I end up in severe depression.

Maybe this is what is happening with your boyfriend. He likes you a lot but maybe when he sees you it builds up until it he overloads? I don't know. I'm just trying to imagine.

 

[Elisabeth79]

Well i have already ask him, about this relationship but aftersame he don´t reply about it, i let it pass.
He reply other questions sometimes. And when we start dating he told me, he wanted this for a long time so i will believe him

He´s brother told me he hade a lot on he´s job so maybe so.... I don´t know.

An aspie friend to me (a male) told me he´s shutdowns could stay for weeks. And he have hard to feel anything this time, so i don´t know?

 

[Cosmophylla]

I agree with Tom. Weeks with no contact is a long time.

I have trouble keeping friendships. If I don't stay in contact with someone all the time, I will stop talking to them... It doesn't mean I don't like them, but having to start a new conversation and talk about all the things that happened since I saw them is overwhelming for me. So I stay away. BUT that is with friends. With a boyfriend it would be different...

 

[Elisabeth79]

Hi Elisabeth79, welcome to AC. Please don't apologise for your English. It's very good!

Your boyfriend does seem to be in a low mood. It may be serious depression, but it may not. He seems to have Aspie traits and behaviours so I would say it is possible he is on the spectrum but that is just my opinion.

I go through burnout/shutdowns, lows, and depressions, in cycles. Sometimes the cycles are long and slow and sometimes they are shorter. Usually what happens is I'm trying to do too many things at one time...like study plus look after children plus look after the garden plus cook food every day plus visit family and so on... My mind is always busy but if I try to put too many things into my head, I get soooooo tired and frustrated. Then I need more and more time alone. If I don't have time alone, I get angrier and have more problems with my children. And that makes me feel worse, so I end up in severe depression.

Maybe this is what is happening with your boyfriend. He likes you a lot but maybe when he sees you it builds up until it he overloads? I don't know. I'm just trying to imagine.

This sound a lot of possible. I will hope this is the same for him.
I also know he had an hard childhood and he doesnt want to talk about it.
He have told me he likes me a lot. And i have hard to believe he stop feel that over two nights?!

 

[Elisabeth79]

I agree with Tom. Weeks with no contact is a long time.

I have trouble keeping friendships. If I don't stay in contact with someone all the time, I will stop talking to them... It doesn't mean I don't like them, but having to start a new conversation and talk about all the things that happened since I saw them is overwhelming for me. So I stay away. BUT that is with friends. With a boyfriend it would be different...

Well he reply me in yesterday (a question) and sayd also good night. He have also send me wordfeud words to day.
He is a bit hard to understand...

 

[Cosmophylla]

It sounds like he needs his own space and if you give him some space he is happy. If he is texting you, that sounds like things are ok.

He may also find it hard to know what he should do with a girlfriend... How much should he talk with you? Daily? Weekly? Maybe he doesn't understand or feel comfortable?

Also, when I get burnt out or overwhelmed, it's the extra things I'm doing that I drop first. The things that I don't HAVE to do, I will stop doing... Maybe your boyfriend is doing that? Even if he feels the same about you (still likes you a lot) it may be too much at one time.

I agree that it seems unlikely that he would suddenly change his mind about you.

 

[Elisabeth79]

So.... he have text me on messenger, but he sounds so offmode. :-/ Maybe its my NT b

It sounds like he needs his own space and if you give him some space he is happy. If he is texting you, that sounds like things are ok.

He may also find it hard to know what he should do with a girlfriend... How much should he talk with you? Daily? Weekly? Maybe he doesn't understand or feel comfortable?

Also, when I get burnt out or overwhelmed, it's the extra things I'm doing that I drop first. The things that I don't HAVE to do, I will stop doing... Maybe your boyfriend is doing that? Even if he feels the same about you (still likes you a lot) it may be too much at one time.

I agree that it seems unlikely that he would suddenly change his mind about you.

Your reply sounds so smart. I know he havent been i so many relationships earlier. Only with hes sons mother and they wasnt a couple when she get preggo with him. She told me she let him moving in to her when she was in the fifth month in the pregnancy, and let them give it a try.

Before he meet her he was a single in 6 year. Before he meet me, he was it for three. No dating, nothing.

So when he is in a good mood, we are chatting every evening. About "everything" but the deeper thing is for hard for him. But now when he is off, maybe he send me a good night or so. So he is NOT quiet in weeks with nothing, but he is more quiet than normally 3-10 messages and a kissing emoji in the end of the chatting.

Now it.s more some happy emojis and the good night. But no kissing one hahaha. And as a lady, i miss the kissing one ;-) Haha soo needy i know. But i havent told him that. Cause its sounds too crazy i know. But it was still the same the first time this happening. The kissing and hugging was gone for a while but it went back.

Last time we have a date it was very good. We meet he´s brother. And then i stay over the night. We watching family guy in 4 hours, he made food for us. Hold my hand. Made good sex. No problem.
but then he told me he had sleep bad one night.... and hes mood went more bad... And here we are now :-/

And ofcourse, he knows, becauase i have told him this... Im still here. I wait for him and so on. And im faithful an loyal. So the rest is up to him

 

[Cosmophylla]

Sleep deprivation or broken sleep affects us all in different ways. Maybe he doesn't cope with broken sleep well.

Or he may be dealing with trauma from childhood. You said he doesn't want to talk about his childhood... Maybe he is trying to avoid thinking about it but the memories come out in dreams, or bother him when he is trying to sleep.

I wish you well.

 

[Elisabeth79]

Sleep deprivation or broken sleep affects us all in different ways. Maybe he doesn't cope with broken sleep well.

Or he may be dealing with trauma from childhood. You said he doesn't want to talk about his childhood... Maybe he is trying to avoid thinking about it but the memories come out in dreams, or bother him when he is trying to sleep.

I wish you well.

Thank you. Maybe you again have a point.
Yes, hes mothers sister have told me a lot of sad things about hes childhood. Also hes brother told me, to day, theirs father and my boyfriend cant speak to each other, if this little brother not are with them. :-(
Its have also happens things in hes earlier adult years so.

He have wordfeud me tonight and wrote good night. I hade messages him a longer messages about a meeting this coming weekend. Cause i need to talk. It.s 4 weeks since we meet this coming saturday. He doesnt sayd anything about it. Not yes, Not No.... I really hope he doesnt leave me on saturday :-(

 

[Geirlaug]

Hi Elisabet! Omg this sounds exactly like my boyfriend. In between he shuts down, doesn't answer my texrs, seems depressed, but after a while he slowly starts communucating. However, I never know. Every time I get insecure. It's very difficult to cope with as a girlfriend. I just try to be patient and positive though. Even if it's hard.