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Featured Can I trust him?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Jorjor23, Feb 5, 2019.

  1. Jorjor23

    Jorjor23 Active Member

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    Hi guys, NTish (w/adhd) woman here. I recently got into a relationship with a HFA guy.

    Now, as an NT person, it’s REALLY hard for me to take things at face value, especially when it comes to dating. Things took off FAST between us. It took maybe a couple dates for him to tell me he loved me and that “I don’t need to keep looking”. We saw each other pretty much every day.

    I was initially taken aback by the speed at which things were going, but then I slowly floated up to his level. He was sweet, cuddly, loving, always took accountability when he messed up… I’d often tell him how sweet he was and he’d shake his head and tell me “ just for you”. I asked him several times if he usually moves this fast with women and he told me no, and that he’d never felt this connected to someone before...

    Now, I’ve had a lot of NT guys put up this front like I’m the best thing since sliced bread, then suddenly drop off the map. It’s hard to believe that most men aren't full of crap now...

    I obviously know HFA’s aren’t INCAPABLE of lying or deceiving, but I do know that they tend to be way more straight forward and honest... I guess my question is… can I trust him? I know it's impossible to say for sure, but what are your thoughts...?
     
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  2. sidd851

    sidd851 If I'm not late, I'm not needed. V.I.P Member

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    "Can I trust him?"

    I have a definitive answer for you:

    "Will a strange dog bite?"

    The truth is, there is no way of knowing, unless you put yourself in proximity to the aforementioned strange dog.

    While we may tend to be generally more, or even far more, honest than your
    "average" person, the fact of the matter is that anyone can, and may, change their mind.
    All I can do is recommend that you be honest, open, gentle, kind, understanding, supportive, and responsive to his needs or desires.
    There is no trick here.
    Treat him the way that you wish to be treated(with your comfort and ease in mind), and take him, and his wishes and comfort, into account.

    I'm sorry if this may not be the "insider information" you were hoping for, but, just like any relationship(not with an ASPD),
    "Ya rolls the dice,
    and ya takes your chances."

    Any relationship's success is dependent, in equal parts, on both people.
    You cannot control his responses, only your own actions and thoughts.
    And so I would recommend that you concentrate your effort there--- if you truly care for him, then actively try to be what he wants and needs.

    "If you want to be it, act it."

    May you be well.

    sidd
     
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  3. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    You have to try to hold hands through the fire of life.

    Everyone has a limit.

    Relationships is finding out what each of your 'limits' are.

    You can't know in advance.

    You can have faith that one day you can both grow into trust.

    Living life with good faith is a good idea,it can mean more hurt.
    But life without hurt is being dead.

    A swirl of hurt and love and death and joy surrounds all of as we walk forward.

    Have faith.
     
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  4. George Newman

    George Newman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Welcome to Autismforums.com, Jorjor23. I am glad you have joined and are inquiring about trust and love in the context of a NTish and HFA relationship.

    So a couple months ago, during the glorious fall time of the year, I randomly stopped at a neighbor’s rummage sale to browse. I was treasure hunting.

    As I walked around and shopped, what to my eyes did I behold; a wonderful looking outside patio chair. I was thrilled. It was just what I was looking for. I tried to remain calm.

    Upon sitting on the chair I was convinced that I had found true love. It fit me perfectly. I envisioned many cigars, drams is whisky, and Louis L’Amour books enjoyed while sitting in my new perfect chair.

    I bought the chair, brought it home, and placed in the corner of the patio where it fit perfectly. Fast forward a couple months .... of pretty harsh cold weather.

    This weekend it was unseasonably warm and I ventured out to the patio to my new chair. I sat down in it and I noticed it wobbled side to side a bit and after some review I could see some spots where the paint was peeling.

    I was struck with the realization that my new chair was less than perfect. My new chair was going to need some adjustments and paint when spring arrived.

    The chair was not perfect. As bad as I wanted the chair to be perfect the chair was never going to be perfect. My heart wanted perfect.

    My eyes and heart saw what they wanted to see. Am I disappointed? Nope. I accept the responsibility of caring for this chair because I know if I care and invest time in the chair, the chair will probably care for me.

    I digress.

    Once again, thank you for joining the forum. I hope thru the many responses and opinions here you find the answer you are looking for.
     
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  5. Fridgemagnetman

    Fridgemagnetman I only have one V.I.P Member

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    Wait. What happened?

    You married a chair?

    :)
     
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  6. George Newman

    George Newman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Unconditionally! Big smile.
     
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  7. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know? V.I.P Member

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    I am one of the scrupulously honest types and I won't deny it can be hurtful being doubted sometimes, but I've learned that it is inevitable. Trust is something that must be earned, whoever you are and whatever band of neurodiversity you occupy.
    My NT wife and I trust each other implicitly, but that's the culmination of 13 years together, We still had to earn that trust, but now it's been shown to be worthwhile to trust one another, through years of tests and challenges, I wouldn't swap it for anything.
    Your challenges will come and how you both react and cope with them will either encourage or discourage trust.
    For now - maybe just take him at face value until those tests of your relationship arise, that will truly answer your question.
     
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  8. Ginseng

    Ginseng Christian V.I.P Member

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    He sounds legit to me, but I like George’s analogy of his chair. The more time that passes the more flaws we will see. But that is what love is about, recognizing the flaws are there and making a conscious decision to love them anyway. It’s about commitment even when it isn’t pretty.

    He is being honest and hopefully himself. It is important that you also be yourself. Don’t be who he wants you to be unless you like that person and want to be that person. We do change with different people. That is a given. Just be who you are. I hope I am making sense. Sorry. The main problem I would think is to make sure the maturity is there (in both of you). When you say y’all are moving fast, how fast? Are y’all thinking marriage? I would strongly advise premarital counseling before such a commitment. Having been through three divorces, I married my second husband twice, but both those divorces count. The pain was intense. Plus I didn’t understand marriage is for life. I have learned so much since then. It sounds like y’all are in a beautiful place. I don’t know him, but I don’t have any problem believing what he said. Feeling that connection does not come often for us but it can and does happen with the right person. I would expect the best from him and he should give you his best. Just remember he trusts you. Be trustworthy.
     
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  9. Ginseng

    Ginseng Christian V.I.P Member

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    Tom, reread what you quoted. That is what she said. ;):)
     
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  10. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Just keep in mind that it could be an obsession starting out. What it turns into is what will really count. Just don't rush into anything. I'm sure he thinks it's love - it feels like love (I know because I was always the one falling into obsession), but real love takes time to grow.
     
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  11. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member

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    Its hard to say. What I can say is that he sounds similar to me when I fell in love and it was not an act on my part. You are correct, Aspies can be just as manipulative/deceitful as anyone else. I don't know of any way to be sure other then see how it holds up to the test of time. You want to see how a person handles the bad as well as good before making any commitment type decisions.
     
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  12. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Perhaps that's the wrong question to ask under such circumstances.

    It's quite possible that he may be indeed projecting genuine sentiments at a particular point in time. However it is no guarantee those same sentiments will last consistently, or indefinitely. Where attempting to pin down his honestly becomes irrelevant.

    Are the Neurodiverse any more impetuous about jumping into relationships than Neurotypicals? I'm not prepared to provide an answer to that one.

    Best to just take things day-by-day and enjoy the moment. And that in the event things don't remain consistently blissful, don't immediately take it as a manifestation of his dishonesty. After all, he's only human. But then so are you. Best of luck.
     
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  13. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just another person V.I.P Member

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    I would never tell someone I love them unless I really do. However, if I am mistreated then I fall out of love pretty fast.
    I love my chair too. It’s a big red LaZBoy recliner!
     
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  14. RachelN

    RachelN Active Member

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    I think it's up to you. Play it by ear. If you feel like they're moving too fast, ask them to slow down. Then take it from there. :)
     
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  15. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    I think aspies are less likely to be manipulative overall, but of course anyone still can be.

    I'd suggest just be direct with him. Tell him if you want to slow down on some specific. Ask him about his dating experience. If he doesn't have a lot, he might not know these dating nuances. Even if he does have a lot of experience, don't discredit him automatically. This guy sounds worth it to feel out more to me.

    Not everyone understands what love is or how it can happen. Not everyone may realize how pushy they are sometimes and they let their animal instincts overtake them.
     
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  16. Jorjor23

    Jorjor23 Active Member

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    He goes back and forth. At one point he told me "I think we need to slow this down" and I agreed. I think the back and forth is him trying to moderate himself...
     
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  17. Major Tom

    Major Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Sorry about my speed reading error. I have that problem a lot.
    I think time is the only way to get to know someone truly. At first everything is a rush and it's easy to become infatuated.
     
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  18. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member

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    Thats a bit different. If someone said that to me, it would trigger warning bells.
     
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  19. Bronzelincolns

    Bronzelincolns Active Member

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    were you intimate with the guys you dated before?