Burn Out

[Raggamuffin]

Well, it'd been building for most of the year, and this morning for a while I thought this might be my last.

With work stress and fatigue, I wanted to maximise my enjoyment of my weekend and get more done than usual. Realistically what I need is rest, but instead I took one of my ADHD meds. This is the secondary dose as I had no starter (half size) doses left. Also it's been months since I'd been on these. Then I had a smoke and then it hit me.

Palpitations, chest tightness and a feeling of unease that humbled me. I was going to die. That old panic attack sensation. But, in the moment it can often feel like this is your first ever attack, even if you've been getting them years. No, this one is different - this time I'm going to die.

I Googled "Concerta XL palpitations" and with the usual tact of the internet I was told to seek immediate cardiac specialist examination.

I tried for 15 mins to calm down. Well, first I tried to make myself vomit. But the vicious circles were turning and in the end I did something I've never done before with any panic attack - I called the ambulance, and then I woke my mum up at 6am.

She kept reminding me that I was doing the right thing. I told her that I knew this wasn't the end and yet these symptoms were so real, I was mortified. I've never felt my heart thunder like that. But, as with all my psychosomatic pains that I've had daily since 2012 - when I went with the heart narrative, soon enough I was getting crippling shoulder pains and shooting left arm and jaw pains.

By the time the paramedics got here I felt a little more settled, that is - until I heard and saw the ambulance pull up. Then I felt ashamed, like I was wasting more people's time with yet another anxiety attack.

The paramedics were really helpful, in fact towards the end one left the room and had a chat with my mum and said how much he sympathised with me. But also how open and honest I'd been with them. Heck, it's making me well up now, and at the time it only took moments before I was in tears.

The EKG showed normal results for someone with panic, but he said even though there isn't anything physically wrong with me, that it doesn't make it any less real. He let me keep the printout as a souvenier. He didn't believe the medication was the cause, and as such he advised me to obviously "take the medication as recommended" but that this was all due to anxiety. He said he wasn't going to tell me not to smoke cannabis, and he understood that it helped to an extent for me, but he did recommend reconsidering medication again for ADHD and or my other mental health issues.

They also got me an NHS callback with their mental health crisis team. Everyone said it's understandable living with anxiety and depression, aches n pains, autism n ADHD. Burn out etc. But also how being stuck in jobs that add so much stress and not having friends there. Also with wanting to do my art and follow my dreams.

The woman who called me back also reiterated what the paramedic told me, and said to try again with ADHD meds as they have staggering amount of success in a lot of people. Like +70% of patients have extremely good if not life changing benefits from it. Also to contact this local group who deal with art therapy, ADHD, anxiety n stress etc. So I got options. Also speaking with HR on Monday. Gonna ask to work from home indefinitely. I'm so burnt out there and the commute and the noise and atmosphere in that place literally feels like it's poisoning me.

Folks also said they'll help me brainstorm and think of new ways to promote my art. Get myself out there. Follow my dream etc.

I messaged HR to ask for a meeting on Monday and I'm going to ask to work from home. They've let a lot of people do this since the pandemic.

I'm reminding myself that moments of change need a spark, and this was definitely sparky:

Ed

 

[Progster]

I've had heart palpatations before. I know that it doesn't automatically mean that there is a serious problem, but it's scary and does need to be checked out, just in case. You did the right thing to call an ambulance because you just never know, better to be safe than sorry.

How do you sell your art? Do you sell in in digital form, physical form or both? If a person came here and saw a piece of your artwork they liked and wanted to buy a copy, how would they do it?

 

[Raggamuffin]

The platforms I promote on need a lot of tweaking. I want to speak with the woman in Marketing at work. Seek some advice. I followed a friends advice in getting a Shopify account and setting up my own site.

Realising I had over 100+ photos I wanted to list prints to sell along with my art, I feared I'd struggle to print to order. I bulk bought frames, mounts etc. Cost a lot and wasn't enough to sell much at all. I got a load of stuff framed and went about promoting FB ads that'd go to my art page. Basically, it was my typical "all or nothing" mindset, where I wanted people to be able to see everything I'd ever made and buy what they wanted. For some reason I then thought I'd be met with an uncontrollable amount of orders and let people down.

Numbers weren't great with my ads. The friend who recommended Shopify showed me how he did ads. He's entirely self taught and within 2 years had 2 online businesses on the go and then got into real estate. So I felt inspired by him, but also very intimidated.

Ad after ad with thousands of views only led to a handful of people visiting my site and no sales. I steadily built up likes and followers to my art page. But in terms of all my sales they've been done face to face. The entire site needs a re-think. Probably need instruction with this, which is why I want to speak to Priya in Marketing. See what she could suggest.

I recently got more bits to reframe all my original A4 pieces before I try my first art and craft fair. Also to be able to have higher quality framed originals on my art page etc.

I'm always plagued with doubts when it comes to my art. Ever since being told it was worth a good amount of money, I buckled under the pressure and expectations. Wanting to make a living off it, but constantly doubtful, frustrated with lack of progress. Money spent vs the 4 prints I've sold. Never having sold an original and yet investing over 100 hours in my newer, larger drawings.

It's a real mix tbh. There's optimism and a real belief I could make it. All the while I talk myself down and out of so much. When I try and fail, it takes me ages to pick myself up and have another go.

But yes, I need to make more of an effort to have items ready to sell, listed on multiple places and I need to promote it more effectively. I have some other ideas for marketing which are outside of the internet world. One is a very unique idea that I told some close friends and they said it was absolute genius and a great way to get sales. So why haven't I done it?

Hard to know at this point. But the longer I wait, the worse it feels. The woman who called from the NHS sympathised with me, and said not only is following an artistic career very difficult, but creative people tend to suffer from mental health issues. She also said mainting the drive and willpower when you have ADHD can be extremely challenging.

Krieghund has been an outlet recently because I created that as a meme, which is totally non-profit. With no expectations to make money out of it, I finally found pleasure in creating things again, for the first time in ages. My art and photography is overshadowed by an intense feeling of failure.

It's nice my parents said today that they'd support me. Brainstorm ideas to promote my work more, find more galleries etc. Same with finding places where I could publish stuff. Feels like a breath of fresh air after being denied following art in college and uni as per their belief it wouldn't amount to anything.

Not living up to my potential was a running theme from school and echoed throughout college, uni and every job I've worked. If anything, it's only become a heavier burden as I got older and spent so long in jobs I hated, and that have caused me so much additional stress.

Oh, I'm also terrified of plagiarism. That was a mountain to overcome. It was years before I ever shared any of my work online. Even now I live in fear that someone with better business savvy could make money off of what I create. Or a bit like any idea in the world - other people or companies might make their own version of said idea.

Me and my mum discussed the basic principle at play - feeling unworthy and not loving myself. It's why I think I struggle so much with other people. Find so many things they do frustrating. Or feeling sickened with envy when I see others succeed. Especially creative types. It's quite a deep groove in my mind though - a well trodden path that seems almost instinctive now. Much like the anxious and depressive thinking. Trying to change beliefs, shift focus and embrace more positivity can be very difficult, especially when I seem to live with an ever-present baseline of depression and low mood. Oh, and anger...got that by the bucket load.

This week though I've been proactive for the first prolonged period in ages. Scheduling regular posts on my art page, making a lot more Krieghund memes and also some creative writing. It felt good, but it still feels like I'm barking up the wrong tree. When I know I can win people over with my charisma, especially when I'm showcasing my art. My last therapist said my body language changes entirely when I talk about my art, and it is that of confidence.

So I guess I need to bite the bullet and do what I've been saying I'd do for years - try a local art and craft fair and see what happens.

Ed

 

[Suzette]

@Suzette In a way, this is why I think perhaps not studying art in college and uni was a blessing in disguise. Art lessons relied heavily on copying from the world around you. Portraits and still life was the majority of what we did. I was forever frustrated by my lack of ability to draw in proportion, or do shadowing, light sources and foreshortening correctly.

Whereas I thrive from drawing just using my imagination. Whilst I might have grandiose images in my mind that are much more detailed and refined than what I end up creating - I still enjoy it a lot more than attempting to copy the world around me, and fail miserably in the process.

I didn't want to hog the other thread so I thought my response is more approprite here. I had actually written a comment to you about this very thing on this posting but did not post it.

One if the artists I admire most is Jim Carey. His political cartoons are self taught and very raw. But with that "rawness" comes vibrancy and energentic life so that his drawings seem "alive". Simply being able to copy reality with a pencil is dull!

Before photography being able to draw realisrically was a needed skill in order to copy images and share them with others. Photography has made that skill little better than "Gee whiz, you sure can draw good".

Don't misunderstand me. I admire such skillful drawing because it does require a special ability to do.

Pablo Piccasso could draw realistically. He was a very fine classical artist on par with Albrect Duher. But he is famous for cubisim. Why is that? It is because those works convery something more elemrntal about the human experience that is difficult to covey with conventional images and words.

I leave you with the thoughts of Jim Carey. This is stuff I have seen work in my own life and I get excited to share with others. I hope you find it helpful!

 

[Raggamuffin]

Thank you for sharing. That moved me to tears and spoke a lot of truths.

Ed

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Can't know your responses to THC/Cannabinoids, but for me they heighten somatic awareness and I remember having to recognize that the sensations I was feeling were mere exaggeration of normal sensations. Could that have been a trigger?

 

[Raggamuffin]

I find weed is an amplifier for me. For the most part it heightens enjoyment of food, thought, creativity etc. But I think what happened this morning was a perfect storm of lack of sleep, taking a medication with a background apprehension of what might occur, then smoking.

Soon as I got back to my room I was hyperfocusing on my heart because it felt like it was beating fast. I tried to rationalise why it'd be doing this. But I convinced myself it was something else. That doubt was enough for my fears to send me down the rabbit hole.

When things I tried to calm down failed to do so, I felt even more panic stricken because I then felt completely hopeless which added to the increasing fear and escalating symptoms.

Ed

 

[Ken]

Well, it'd been building for most of the year, and this morning for a while I thought this might be my last.

With work stress and fatigue...

I was almost there in March 2016. My situation and circumstance is not exactly the same and I did not have the same physical symptoms as you, but was on the very tip edge of it. I had become chronically enraged.

My problem was that I absolutely loved my work and the place where I worked. I loved the people I worked with. It was practically heaven. My boss, the company owner, was probably my first boss that I felt actually understood me. I don't know if he knew that I am autism or if he just understood me. Perhaps he was somewhat like me, or at least enough to know what I needed: such as, I needed a quiet secluded work space and that interruptions derailed me. The other engineers there were all very respectful of others.

The company grew exponentially. I couldn't have been more proud of the company and everyone working there. But then, investors and partners started coming on board. I started to feel uneasy about changes to our quoting and billing policies. The new policies was racking in tons of revenue, but many of our clients were folding. The business was / is a contract electronics design firm. Clients including medical, military, aerospace, and commercial would come to us to design the electronics of products they wanted. Some were individuals that had a great idea for an invention and wanted us to design the electronics and build a prototype. I really liked and admired those individuals because they wanted to do something great. Those were the ones crashing under our new billing policies. As the company grew it hired more managers and a tiered management structure was introduced. That was very scary and upsetting to me because I was now going to have to work under someone that does not know me. Just as that was happening, The entire engineering department was being moved into a single room. At that point I was loosing it. I was furious about killing the dreams of individual's trying to invent something and then to learn I was loosing my private, quite work space. I became frantically enraged.

The good thing was the timing. I was 64 years old and my wife (and accountant) told me I could retire. She went on to request I retire as she hated to see me in such a shape. She said we would have to live a little more simply, but it was financially doable. So with deep sorrow I resigned 27-Mar-2016. It took me about six to eight months to recover. It turns out I was in much worse shape than I thought.

Happily, some of the clients that were being billed to failure found me and asked if I would help finish their projects. I was so happy about that I often tear up. One of which is a very nice person with a deep passion for his invention. He has succeeded quite profoundly creating a multi-million dollar business with his invention; Infinitum Electric.

I guess in your situation, at your age, retirement would be difficult. I don't have any "do this" or "do that" advice, I have had to leave jobs several times in my lifetime and each one felt catastrophic. Yet, each time it lead to something better. I would only say that if you are stressed and/or overwhelmed to such an extent then perhaps a change in employment and/or life would be in order.

I also thank @Suzette for the Jim Cary video. Helps me a lot also!

 

[Suzette]

Happily, some of the clients that were being billed to failure found me and asked if I would help finish their projects. I was so happy about that I often tear up. One of which is a very nice person with a deep passion for his invention. He has succeeded quite profoundly creating a multi-million dollar business with his invention; Infinitum Electric.

This person that you mentioned, he is a very fine example of someone who already knew what Jim Carey was talking about. "Deep passion" moves mountains.

I can see @Raggamuffin's passion in that poster he shared.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Managerial changes can make or break a workplace for me. First company I worked for was play.com and in it's hey day it was one of Amazon's main rivals in Europe. When a tax loophole stopped in Jersey which meant any item under £15 didn't incur VAT, our company decided to remain on the island as it's where it was founded. In the end it was bought out by a JP company.

Before that however, we had a new director who was some big shot from Apple. He came, saw and ran the company into the ground. There was a huge focus on pushing this seller platform; where individuals could sell their own new or used products. That side of the company is what Rakuten wanted to focus on when they bought the company out. They shut all operations in Jersey and also fired anyone to do with that side of the company who worked in our Cambridge office. The workforce was slashed in half. The director Hiroshi Mikitani aka "Miki" would have these broadcast weekly video recordings. He termed the gutting out our company as "trimming the fat".

The seller platform was a shambles. Poorly coded, not user friendly and had a fraction of the site traffic of eBay and Amazon. As such it floundered, and then they went about another +30% reduction in staff. By that point I'd been there just shy of 10 years and opted for the redundancy after they told me how much I'd get.

In my second job for a tail lift and truck/trailer refrigerator company, they had workshops based around the country. Had several years there and made some amazing friends. Then the powers that be implemented a plan to shut down many workshops. Centralise the call centres all through our office. This was a few months after I got my house in March and I was being served up an "at risk of redundancy" letter.

As with other companies I've worked for and heard about, when they make sweeping changes and put a target on people's heads, a lot will just leave of their own accord. A bit like how COVID and furlough had a lot of people re-evaluating what it is they wanted to do with their lives. Working jobs you hate etc. Which is why high stress and long hour jobs in UK are struggling to hire people, such as bar/kitchen staff and lorry drivers.

Anyway, Marshalls decided to centralise. I spoke with a woman called Sue who worked in our room but on her own side of things, with pro-formas etc. She'd been there over 20 years and told me they'd tried and failed this before - twice. I applied for my job, but many chose to left, thus the team dynamic in that room was utterly off.

Day one of this new centralised system and our calls tripled. We normally kept to no higher than 10% of calls lost in a day, but we often had it well under 5%. We were a really good team with great managers and a really vibrant energy of some real different, interesting and quirky people.

Here's call stats towards the end of day one. We never lost that many calls or ever had that many waiting. That queue was mad from the second the phone lines opened and didn't let up all day.

Sweeping company changes that drastically affect the day to day workings of multiple teams, without the day to day workers being consulted? I've seen it so many times. The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. You'd lose a hand in the Middle East for less.

After that first day, I had a similar moment to how I've been feeling recently - can't go on with this. I mean working somewhere for weeks when everyone is having to have redundancy interviews and be scored (what a horrid feeling) just ruined the atmosphere and energy of the whole company.

I miss my friends. We worked a 4 on 4 off shift together. I was really close with both of them. Alana moved back to Australia. We were on the same vibe by the end - stuck doing crazy accents, voices and weird noises all day. When I meet someone like that, I don't care if I'm in a full room - I will be weird and do verbal stims and get hyper. I couldn't care if 10 other people are watching, so long as my friend is laughing and we're having fun - it doesn't matter. I wish I didn't feel so self conscious during other times.

Oussama went completely off grid and I never heard from him again. He lived in a remote part of Tunisia, but I believe he was going back to Paris first. He started getting a bit vague and cryptic towards the end, then deleted Facebook and I never heard from him again. It really ate me up. But we did do a DND game with some of Kristy's friends. Me and Oussama were big on obsessive movie and TV watching and doing quotes etc.

A big love for us was the comedy show Community. The DND episode on there inspired us. Truly, we all had an amazing night, and it was a real high note to end our friendship on. In general we had a really good friendship, similar sense of humour and loved to talk in depth about all sorts of topics and ideas. He was the first and only guy who'd give me a hug to say hello. From the moment I met the guy I knew I wanted to work with him. So I literally swapped to work his shifts with him. Probably a good thing as the girl I worked for, whilst similar to me, was emotionally volatile (oh, like you're not). But she was vocal and vented a lot, which I couldn't really get on board with as I didn't care for her problems. So I'd smile and nod, because after a while, empathising was just draining with her.

I remember dreadlocking Oussama's hair towards the end of our time at Marshalls. Ahh, those were fond memories. It was the last time I met and made such close friends, and this was over 3 years ago now.

But yes, I can't stand big changes. In my current job they've changed workshops that I use to do all servicing and MOT's for my customer's trailers (over 200 of them). And they keep changing who we use, which means learning their processes, their paperwork, new communications. Basically all new setups. So far it's happened 5 times and each time it's a massive blow to my routines and processing.

That plus no friends is really the final straw.

So i'll work from home for the forseeable. After the last of my dental work is done and paid for, I will quit this place.

Re-think and focus more on promoting my art and networking with people in the mean time.

Ed

 

[Au Naturel]

So you took a large dose of speed (methylphenidate hydrochloride is a type of speed) which your body was no longer used to and then smoked a cig - nicotine is also a stimulant. Hear palpitations ought not to be surprising. Once the palpitations start, the good ole' amygdala freaks out in fear and pumps adrenaline - another potent stimulant - into your system. Probably would not do more than scare me if I were 30 but could kill me dead as a door nail if I did it today.

In short, you self medicated and overdosed. Live and learn. Don't do it again.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I do wonder if gut reactions to life lies somewhere other than the conscious mind, because even though it always seems to know the right path or action to take - it's voice isn't as loud as the rest of my thoughts.

Yesterday, when I thought I'd take the pill, my gut reaction was "don't". Even when I started fixating and losing myself with anxiety over my palpitation, deep down my gut was saying "don't".

Thanks @Au Naturel I started coming to similar conclusions when I was calming down yesterday. Had it been the original half doses I don't think I'd have ended up where I did. I used to smoke weed back on the meds and from day one and never had any palps or chest tightness. The main one for me, as with all meds I've tried is week after week of dizziness.

Usually I throw in the towel when it comes to dizziness as it's been such a recurring theme since 2012 and all the tests etc kept coming back like yesterday's EKG. Nothing physically wrong with you - it's all psychosomatic. But dizziness is debilitating. It was never full on vertigo, but it was deeply unsettling feeling constantly unreal and off-kilter.

A friend has ADHD and said he took his meds irregularly on days when he knows he has a lot on. Another friend I spoke to yesterday is at the opposite end - he's been medicated since he was young for ADHD, anxiety, anger issues, insomnia and he is utterly fed up with the lack of progress and wants to try coming off all of them afer 5+ years on them.

I know long term ADHD meds aren't good for your heart. Similarly the raised heart rate and BP of cannabis can make you more at risk to heart attacks.

This is what's strange - depression and catastrophic thinking can naturally lead to suicidal ideation. Yet anxiety has me trying to hold on dearly to life through fear that it might be over at any moment.

Focus and conversation yesterday was amazing, as expected. But dizziness hit home hard along with sore muscles after the panic attack.

Read a load of ADHD articles on WebMD. Haven't really spent longer than a few minutes on that site in the past. Usually because it said something like this pharmaceutical website said yeserday. Something along the lines of seek immediate specialist cardiac evaluation.

My anxiety

Still feel ropey today. I'm going to take it easy. That much stress does my muscles in for a long time. Recommendations of ADHD meds and trying Beta blockers are something to keep in mind when I speak with the GP tomorrow. Mind you, last time I did they refused to entertain the idea of doing my prescriptions, because I'd had a private ADHD diagnois and not an NHS one. Concerta XL being a controlled substance and all.

Still, apparently the case is going to be reviewed by a consultant psychiatrist, along with the paramedic report etc. I pondered this last night and thought to myself that trying medication whilst working from home is the best time to do so. 2-6 weeks is all I lasted with any anxiety, depression or the one ADHD med I tried. Seems strange I struggled to live with the side effects, considering the amount I live through daily due to stress.

I think I pinned a lot of the blame on side effects when the anxieties were leading to hyperfocus and obsessively fretting over being on the medication. Issues getting to sleep was another. See, that ADHD med never made me feel wired. But SSRI's did. They made me feel like I was on cheap Molly, and I'd be subtley gurning all the time and rubbing my skin because my sense of touch was heightened. Similarly I couldn't get to sleep and felt like I could never yawn properly (infuriating) and couldn't ever climax. Well, unless I got to a point like I did yesterday morning - when you finish love making descending into panic and assumption you've just sexed yourself to death.

Ed

 

[Au Naturel]

I associate dizziness with intoxication or an inner ear condition. I've had occasional Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) most of my life but as I get older it is happening more often. I understand it can be caused by just about anything that messes with the inner ear or blood flow to the brain or by a panic attack.

 

[Raggamuffin]

I visited hospital with dizziness several times, along with GP's. But they always chalked it up to my anxiety disorder. Most of their tests didn't seem especially thorough. I've had a few ear infections, but only around 5 in 20+ years. They never took longer than a week or two to clear up.

Ed

 

[Raggamuffin]

Spoke with HR and my manager. Working from home for a minimum of 6 weeks. Got a call back from my GP within 20 mins of using the messaging service on their website. The main GP of the surgery called me, we discussed meds and we agreed I will try Concerta XL again at the dose where I had no issues - half the dose I took on Saturday.

Also a beta blocker for times of high anxiety. As I struggled with side effects of SSRI's and I'd rather have something for the few times in life when panic takes me down the rabbit hole. Rather than being on two daily pills.

I'm glad this GP was happy to prescribe the Concerta XL on the NHS, as the last GP I spoke to at the same surgery said I wouldn't be able to do so with a private assessment as Concerta XL is a controlled substance.

Anyway, I'm happy with this progress. Means I can adjust to meds, and one which actually had the most profound positive effects on me - exceptional concentration and reduce emotional volatility.

Also, it means by the time I come back to work we'll be in the new office. A fresh start.

Things are looking up.

As always, thank you for all the replies and insights.

Ed

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I experienced burn out when I first started my part time job and was also helping my dad run his business and also attending martial arts class twice a week in the evening and it was wearing me out. I decided to take a break for a year from the martial arts classes and then Covid happened and it didn’t really matter for months. And this year I am still taking a break and plan on signing up again in January. I was just too tired from doing everything.

 

[Raggamuffin]

@Captain Jigglypuff what sort of martial art did you do? I often thought I might try and learn one which could teach me new things to do with my staff.

Ed

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

@Captain Jigglypuff what sort of martial art did you do? I often thought I might try and learn one which could teach me new things to do with my staff.

Ed

Tang Soo Do. It’s a Korean form of martial arts that is not the same as Tae Kwan Do. Tang Soo Do is more focused on one strike to end conflict and to end any fights quickly. Tae Kwan Do is more sport and contact oriented and does a few kicks different than Tang Soo Do. Both come from the same original style and just branched off from it. I have done tournaments with practitioners of Tae Kwan Do and seen the differences and similarities to Tang Soo Do.

 

[Raggamuffin]

An old work colleague of mine (Oussama - mentioned above) was very into combat sports and martial arts. He always thought I might really enjoy Aikido. As I'm not a fighter, but he said if I wanted to learn a martial art, that one might be perfect for me.

I'm not sure how effective it is in a real life setting, however I guess just attending classes, learning and new discipline and exercising are all good things.

Besides, I've never been in a fight. Nor would I want to be.

Ed

 

[Aspie_With_Attitude]

Since I see a whole heap of long post about "Burn Outs", I had recently uploaded a video all explaining what autistic burn outs are.