Breaking family ties

[Suzanne]

I was a very young 18 year old, when I realised that if I did not stop loving the parents, I would not survive and I somehow achieved this.

I have only limited contact with two siblings now and that is becaus they finally see the light and appear to be on my side.

Anyway, the reason I post, is because it quickly became obvious to me, that this stance is rare to take; that many, no matter how evil family members have been, see that the ties are too tight and yet, to me, justice is tighter.

I was surprised on coming here, to find that many aspies have done the same as me and wonder if it is due having aspergers, that actually helps to be less, how to put it? Sentimental?

I am actually glad if this is so, because I cannot fathom being around cruel people.

 

[Pats]

I think you're right, Suzanne. Maybe we have less of a connection and see things for what they are. Plus, I think we're too affected by others, and sometimes the only way to stop letting them affect us so much is to let them go. (K, the dogs are not going to let me write this morning - I've let them in and out 5 times during this one little comment. lol)

 

[Otenba]

People often don't understand that this family stick together mentality often protects abusive relationship arrangements. You owe family nothing and vice versa.

I'm glad you did what was right for you and that you are happier.

I am in the process of distancing myself from family as well since I have become more aware of the toxic family dynamic. It was not an easy decision to make though so it still feels painful here and there, but once I knew I would see them less and less... and eventually not at all... the feelings of relief were very strong.

The family members that have told me their stance on the family dynamic agree with mine, but they've had different responses to my decision about leaving the family. A parent doesn't want the status quo to change and the other respects my decision but still treats me like they did before. Other siblings have made next to no effort but I am unsurprised by this. I have disowned my other parent. I have stopped attending big family events in the last six months at least, and more general things in the last two or three years. I feel some guilt about certain members but I cannot help that I am not okay with family anymore. They can have the disowned parent without me. I've run out of chances to give them to change.

I've stopped wanting to try feeling loved by these people. They claim to love me but then treat eachother and me poorly, leading to a severe break down of trust, and so I will move on for my own sanity. Doesn't help that I've spent my entire life feeling like I live on another planet to them. They've always called me weird or odd.

It is very hard to be sentimental about people that anyone doesn't have a strong bond with. I dunno if that's an autism thing exactly.

 

[Mary Terry]

I'm NT and, after my mother died, finally went no contact with my profoundly narcissistic and histrionic father three years before his death. It was the best thing for myself, husband and children, and yes, it was hard to do on some level because it is adverse to social "rules" and expectations.

It saved me from his constant, unrelenting emotional abuse and gas-lighting by him and my youngest sister whom I believe has borderline personality disorder. I have cut her and her family, too, out of my life in recent years. I don't know if being autistic makes it any easier to walk away from abusive relatives but there are family dynamics and mental illnesses that override social conventions. Other people will not understand why people like us leave because they have not walked in our shoes, and they remain subject to the BS manipulation that flows from the toxic relative(s).

I'm still close to my younger brother and middle sister but I avoid bringing up the topic of our father and little sister. They know how our father was, how he treated me, and they can lie to themselves if that is their pleasure.

 

[Mary Terry]

People often don't understand that this family stick together mentality often protects abusive relationship arrangements. You owe family nothing and vice versa.

Families with Cluster B personality disordered members are like a cult. They use cult tactics to keep everyone under their control. They will abuse you for refusing to allow them to abuse you. It's endless, pathological mind control by them.

 

[Otenba]

Agreed.

Currently, the only things I'm aware of in my family for sure are certain forms of dyslexia. My decision respecting sibling and I are convinced the disowned parent has narcissistic personality disorder considering how obsessed they get about status and aggressively protecting their reputation. Put down merchant as well.

 

[clg114]

I think you're right, Suzanne. Maybe we have less of a connection and see things for what they are. Plus, I think we're too affected by others, and sometimes the only way to stop letting them affect us so much is to let them go. (K, the dogs are not going to let me write this morning - I've let them in and out 5 times during this one little comment. lol)

Pats, I have two words for you: "Doggy Door". My wife and I have four dogs. We never let them in or out, because we have a doggy door. I know how insistent they can be, but constantly letting them in & out has to be pretty disrupting for you.

Suzanne, I am sorry for the off-topic post on your thread.

 

[Cinnamon115]

I've been thinking about doing the same with my family. They always find a way to bring me down. I'm not in a spot in my life right now where I can afford to do that. But some day, when I've got a job and enough money put away, I can get away from them.

 

[Otenba]

I've been thinking about doing the same with my family. They always find a way to bring me down. I'm not in a spot in my life right now where I can afford to do that. But some day, when I've got a job and enough money put away, I can get away from them.

Hope you stay safe and well until you can go.

 

[Cinnamon115]

Thanks. I'm at college now, so that helps. But once I get my teacher license I'll have to live at home for a couple of years to save money. When I'm at home, I'll just have to avoid spending time with them.

 

[Fino]

I've never understood an attachment to family because family. My feelings toward most of my family is the same as my feelings towards roommates I had that I sort of knew.

 

[Pats]

Pats, I have two words for you: "Doggy Door". My wife and I have four dogs. We never let them in or out, because we have a doggy door. I know how insistent they can be, but constantly letting them in & out has to be pretty disrupting for you.

Suzanne, I am sorry for the off-topic post on your thread.

Yes, I wish. But the big one is a runner and has to be tied when he goes out and I live on a busy highway.

 

[BraidedPony]

I think as Autistics we are more easily targeted by Users and are more deeply hurt. I think it is harder for us to go no contact with family but we do it anyway to survive.
I’ve gone very low contact with my mother.

 

[AHuman]

I'm low contact with my mother too. My Dad is great (we're a lot alike so we get each other lost of the time) and, although he's very normal, My brother is great too.

The mother however... she's just a drama queen and every time I get in touch with her she destabilizes my life. I was distraught though when she nearly died last year. She's better now so it's fine.

 

[clg114]

Yes, I wish. But the big one is a runner and has to be tied when he goes out and I live on a busy highway.

I see, that does present a problem. We are lucky enough to have large, fully fenced back yard. We have four Chihuahuas and they do not know about cars, so we have to keep them in the yard.

 

[tducey]

I'd be nothing without my family. Yeah, they don't give me enough credit it sometimes but they're also my strongest support group. Sorry to hear others don't have the same relationships with their family.

 

[ForestFox]

I was a very young 18 year old, when I realised that if I did not stop loving the parents, I would not survive and I somehow achieved this.

I have only limited contact with two siblings now and that is because they finally see the light and appear to be on my side.

Anyway, the reason I post, is because it quickly became obvious to me, that this stance is rare to take; that many, no matter how evil family members have been, see that the ties are too tight and yet, to me, justice is tighter.

I was surprised on coming here, to find that many aspies have done the same as me and wonder if it is due having aspergers, that actually helps to be less, how to put it? Sentimental?

I am actually glad if this is so, because I cannot fathom being around cruel people.

I also cut ties with my family. I don't think it's so much the lack of attachment, because it hurt a lot. But the fact that we are all usually very black and white. There's clearly a wrong and a right. And we usually value honesty and truthfulness, even if we are blunt about it. We do however expect the same values back and it doesn't always happen.
However, you know deep in your heart why you did this and why it was right. It's okay to cut ties. I think you're overthinking this and somehow still trying to see fault in you. You decided you deserved better and didn't want to accept the dynamic as it was. I think that's brave and it was a hard choice to make. I applaud you for it.

 

[JDShredds]

Ah, family. An ever complicated issue. If your gut told you to cut ties, you did the right thing. Rest assured in that. And I do think there is something to what you said about Asperger's and less sentimentality. With that said, our loyalty can be deeply rooted. But at least in my experience, that loyalty is always earned; not by default. Blood-ties mean a lot less to me than typical people. You EARN my loyalty, and then its rooted in the ground.

For me, family is the definition of love-hate. A mix of great gratitude and fervent, intense resentment. As always, I can only speak from personal experience. While I've never officially "cut ties" (I text them every now and then and visit roughly once a year), I did move 600 miles away from them 5 years ago. I needed to get the hell out of their BS, as well meaning as they may be.

Unfortunately, my marriage has fallen apart and now I'm caught in a bind of not having the income to fully support myself, leading to consideration of "moving back" despite really not wanting to do so. I'll tell you what, though. That is the last thing I'd want to do, as easy as it may be in some regards. I spent the last 10 years working diligently to wipe out all the delusional BS they got in my younger mind, and being around it regularly now in my mid-30's just sounds like a ticking time bomb where I create permanent damage to all those relationships when I inevitably crack.

I can't say there was really much "evil" from my family, thankfully. But my word, they get on my nerves faster than just about anyone.

 

[Clueless in Canada]

I don't have any immediate family members who are a problem, though I had a grandmother who was probably narcissistic personality disorder. I am well aware that some people are just toxic and have never believed in staying attached to them just because they are family. I accept that for the sake of family harmony we might sometimes put up with people we wouldn't choose as friends but that's different. You may be right with your theory that autistic people are less likely to believe they have to accept/love/be close to people who are harmful, but I think it is also an idea that belongs to an older time period and NT attitudes are shifting.

 

[Mary Lyn]

It is a social no-no for a woman to break ties with her family, but here are plenty out there who have done it - look on the narcissistic abuse platforms on social media.

I personally think that there are too many doing it, especially in the younger generations who have grown up to feel much more entitled than past ones, and who say such terrible things to their parents that people in my generation would never dare to say.

Quite a few of them expect near perfection in their parents.

Children are treated so much differently these days, and in a lot of ways it is good that their needs are recognised, but it seems fashionable to hold them up like trophies and they feel like little princes and princesses - narcissists in the making and the condition is much more prevelent and growing.

I believe that is one wants to break contact, it is only fair to give people a chance to change, but concentration should be on oneself to do a lot of changing. Setting boundaries is a good place to start. Some will learn to respect and others will not. I think limited contact is the better option unless the person is very toxic.

I come from a family full of cluster B's so have gone limited with most. I wish I had broken free of my mother years before she died but was afraid to embarrass her.