break up

[Uncertain ways]

I have not been posting in a while.

I have been in a relationship for the past 10 months. I am diagnosed with ASD and he thinks he has traits, but is not diagnosed. I tried to involve him from the beginning in my group treatment on autism, where we focused more on myself. But we also did not talk that detailed about it.

I informed that I in general find it harder to express myself and address things when there is some sort of conflict. It leads to me being silent for a time until i find the right words to express what I feel.

During the past weeks we had tensions arising. We came back from a week vacation together 2 weeks ago and more tensions arised also partly due to a water leackage in my apartment that I had to deal with. I spoke too much about it and he got upset and said he can't be around people when they are in an upsetting situation. As he is getting upset by it. I did not understand it at first, but he seems to get meltdowns and his way of dealing with conflicts is retreating and avoiding people.

Now Friday evening and yesterday morning I tried to talk to him. He explained he is getting confused when it is silent too long as he does not know how to interprete silence. And he felt this during our vacation as well. We discussed about possibilities to give each other signals and what we can do when this occurs in order for him to know why I am silent and for me to recognize that he is feeling uncomfortable.

But then he said that we need to solve it as otherwise it would not be for a long term relationship. I got scared about him breaking up. I tried to understand what he meant and asked if he means that he wants to break up. From that point the conversation went all negative and he mentioned all the time it can't work. He does not see how it can work. He felt all he did was wrong. He had tears in his eyes and still hugging me, but continuing to not see any way. I tried to remind about what we just agreed before. But he broke up and left saying that he was sorry. He told me earlier that he tries to avoid people when there are tensions.

I searched the conversation, I said I loved him yesterday and that I'd like to at least try and solve things before we abruptly break up. He replied that I have been a positive influence in his life, but that he does not feel that intense, forever after 'in love' feeling and it would be unfair to continue.

I sent him a link about meltdowns in order to have clarity about the sudden break up. And he answered this morning and agreed on the meltdowns he recognized in himself. He informed that he must retreat, but is answering in order to not make things worse. He then mentioned that over the past 2 months he has been trying to figure out why he does not feel deep love and guessed 3 reasons, feat because of being hurt in past relationships and that we have different conflict resolutions, not enough common interests or lack of verbally telling jokes and making conversations.

Due to that he concluded yesterday morning that no deeper love was going to form and that it sounds harsh but he does not know how to convey what he feels or thinks.

I am a bit lost. My friends say he just does not love me and came to realize it and I must cut it off, which is extremely hard. He did not mention anything about wanting to talk and sort things out. So I guess, due to the last message I must accept that he does not want to continue, right?? He would communicate otherwise that he wants to try. It is difficult to me to read it all and understand the sudden break up.

I reacted on his message, but also told him he can take his time and think about it and I'd appreciate a talk as I just came to understand yesterday that he has more traits than I was aware of like the meltdowns and needing retreat in the weekends.

I can't do anything. I did what I could, but I'm at the point do I have to let it go now or might he come around again?

Would be glad on some opinions.

 

[dragoncat16]

Maybe just give him some time to sort it all out for himself. He will possibly realize how much he misses you and come back. Pressuring him at this point would probably not be good and might push him away.

 

[Uncertain ways]

Maybe just give him some time to sort it all out for himself. He will possibly realize how much he misses you and come back. Pressuring him at this point would probably not be good and might push him away.

Thank you for your reply. Yes, I will not do anything at this point let him sort it out and hope he will be open for a talk when feeling good again.

 

[Suzanne]

It shows that two aspies ( even if one is not formally diagnosed) does not make a wonderful partnership.

In truth, my husband has this with me. I can feel intense love for him if he does something beautiful, but sadly, if he fails up, that can quickly fade.

So, basing this on how I would be, give him space and you will soon have your answer to whether he has love for you.

 

[Keigan]

This will be the third or forth time I have posted this over the past week, not any fault though some thing to research and consider.

Break up or not, this will offer probable explanations that at a minimum may help understanding of self and partner.

Research:
- Asperger Syndrome, empathy challenged
- Alexithymia, no words for emotions or recognition of emotions in others
- Casandra Syndrome, emotional reciprocity
- then each of you, write down your core emotional needs from the relationship to discuss if those needs can be met by your partner and the relationship, it is not a right vs wrong conversation it is a conversation of understand yourself and your partners needs

Observations:
If there is an apple sitting on the counter; do you speak “I think the apple is red” or do you speak “I can feel the warmth of the coloring on the apple” - gain those observations for yourself and your partner.

One is empathic, speaking with “I feel...” and the other is not so empathic as emotions are being rationalized before being expressed by the thinker “I think...”

The objective here is to understand your emotional needs and the emotional needs of your partner, honestly, truthfully - in order to determine of those core needs can be met by the other. Suppressing needs as core as emotional connection would be tragic and probably not sustainable.

Also, I have found references to two types of Alexithymia; one being trait based upon DNA which never changes, the other being state potentially based upon trauma that can be overcome through therapy.

Mine is Trait, I’m Alexithymic - As is approximately 10% of the general population. Online resources at Alexithymia.us, they have their own forums where people share their experiences as individuals and within relationship.

 

[pjcnet]

I was in a relationship once where a lady really seemed to love me (I met her when I was younger and on a short holiday with a social group for people aged 18 to 35 in the UK, there was a lot of people with aspies + disabilities in this group and it helped a lot of people come out of their shell). She was quite intense however and it really annoyed me that she tiptoed around me trying to please me constantly and she tried to pretend that she liked everything I did (E.g. all of a sudden she was vegetarian), it was so artificial and I would had much rather her just be herself. I tried to make it work since everyone around me said she was nice and that she would be really good for me, but I just didn't feel strongly for her even though I truly wanted to. For a while I tried to kid myself trying to force feelings for her, but eventually I started feeling very guilty that my feelings towards her weren't true and that I was only going to hurt her. I eventually realised that the longer this went on the more it would hurt her to break up and I knew I had to leave her. That said when I tried to break up I did miss her and felt like I wanted to get back together again, but I still knew it wasn't right. I feel guilty to this day about it as I know she was very upset and hurt when I did break up, I felt like I'd wrongfully led her on and shouldn't have. Unfortunately the women I have always been truly attracted to have always been what most would consider totally wrong with disastrous consequences and I've remained single (without looking) for many years now.

The above is only an example, this doesn't mean that your relationship is comparable since I have never met him and the outcome could be totally different. For now I would give him space and if/when you do communicate I would talk about positive things other than making a relationship work and see what happens. If it doesn't work out well, then I'm truly sorry, I wish life was fairer. I do wish you the best of luck however!

PS: For anyone interested, the group I was part of in the UK is called 18 Plus (search Google and it comes up), it was for people aged 18-30, then this was changed to 18-35 when I was still a member, but I've looked recently and they now accept ages 18-65 (but if you remain a member at 65 you don't have to leave). It's a national group with numerous local groups around the country. I recommend it for anyone who has trouble socialising as they truly make an effort to make everyone feel welcome (it's no issue turning up alone as you won't be for long). It's a non profit group who have meetings once a week (it's casual and you can attend as little or as much as you want). They have local, regional and also national events and activities (they even arrange car sharing Etc. so don't worry if you don't drive). They have incredibly cheap holidays throughout the year, one amazing holiday each year is called WASH which they still run, it was/is at a large caravan park near the sea which they hired entirely with numerous activities. When I went there was a comedy show (I saw Graham Norton), movies, sports and also a cheap club with free entry and bands (they even had a few famous ones) and much more. I remember driving a land rover around an assault course there and it was all included in the price (the only thing you had to pay additionally for was drinks if you wanted them and food). Even if you were on welfare benefits you could actually afford it and you could even pay in small installments up until the event.

 

[Uncertain ways]

It shows that two aspies ( even if one is not formally diagnosed) does not make a wonderful partnership.

In truth, my husband has this with me. I can feel intense love for him if he does something beautiful, but sadly, if he fails up, that can quickly fade.

So, basing this on how I would be, give him space and you will soon have your answer to whether he has love for you.

Thank you. Yes, I had that feeling on Saturday when it suddenly was all fading away. I will give him the space he needs.

How long does it usually take you to go back to your husband after such a situation?

 

[Uncertain ways]

This will be the third or forth time I have posted this over the past week, not any fault though some thing to research and consider.
.......
Observations:
If there is an apple sitting on the counter; do you speak “I think the apple is red” or do you speak “I can feel the warmth of the coloring on the apple” - gain those observations for yourself and your partner.

One is empathic, speaking with “I feel...” and the other is not so empathic as emotions are being rationalized before being expressed by the thinker “I think...”

The objective here is to umderstand your emotional needs and the emotional needs of your partner, honestly, truthfully - in order to determine of those core needs can be met by the other. Suppressing needs as core as emotional connection would be tragic and probably not sustainable.

Also, I have found references to two types of Alexithymia; one being trait based upon DNA which never changes, the other being state potentially based upon trauma that can be overcome through therapy.

Mine is Trait, I’m Alexithymic - As is approximately 10% of the general population. Online resources at Alexithymia.us, they have their own forums where people share their experiences as individuals and within relationship.

Thank you for the research tips and explaining more about Alexithymia. I will read up on it more. It would be interesting to see how people deal with it in a relationship as I believe whether with him or in future it will be influencing a relationship. Maybe I should have posted earlier when I started to have this problem and learned earlier about it. Unfortunately, it was not part of my sessions.

I am not sure if mine is trait based or trauma based. I did suffer from trauma in my childhood and I did have this my whole life since childhood.

It is a good idea to write down each others needs. It would help to understand each other better and figure out what we can really do in order to avoid creating a negative atmosphere resulting in meltdowns and anxiety.

Now that you are mentioning we had general conversations about empathy, when watching some TV series bringing up this topic. He did not speak of himself, but rationally explained the character's behaviour, mentioning that I am more empathic, but not everybody is. I did relate it to the character and not to him. But on Saturday he used as well the words "I think" and not "I feel" when I asked him about his feelings.

Thank you for pointing this out.

 

[Uncertain ways]

I was in a relationship once where a lady really seemed to love me (I met her when I was younger and on a short holiday with a social group for people aged 18 to 35 in the UK, there was a lot of people with aspies + disabilities in this group and it helped a lot of people come out of their shell). She was quite intense however and it really annoyed me that she tiptoed around me trying to please me constantly and she tried to pretend that she liked everything I did (E.g. all of a sudden she was vegetarian), it was so artificial and I would had much rather her just be herself. I tried to make it work since everyone around me said she was nice and that she would be really good for me, but I just didn't feel strongly for her even though I truly wanted to. For a while I tried to kid myself trying to force feelings for her, but eventually I started feeling very guilty that my feelings towards her weren't true and that I was only going to hurt her. I eventually realised that the longer this went on the more it would hurt her to break up and I knew I had to leave her. That said when I tried to break up I did miss her and felt like I wanted to get back together again, but I still knew it wasn't right. I feel guilty to this day about it as I know she was very upset and hurt when I did break up, I felt like I'd wrongfully led her on and shouldn't have. Unfortunately the women I have always been truly attracted to have always been what most would consider totally wrong with disastrous consequences and I've remained single (without looking) for many years now.

The above is only an example, this doesn't mean that your relationship is comparable since I have never met him and the outcome could be totally different. For now I would give him space and if/when you do communicate I would talk about positive things other than making a relationship work and see what happens. If it doesn't work out well, then I'm truly sorry, I wish life was fairer. I do wish you the best of luck however!

What you are describing reminds me of a very short relationship I had in the end of last year.

I just came out of a longer unhealthy connection with more downs than ups. So, it took me some time to realize whether it was related to him or me. One reason was comparing my feelings with the deep feelings I had in this unhealthy connection. I liked the conversations, but with time more and more things started to disturb me.

It felt like forcing myself to try and usually when he was absent the conversations were fine, but when he came to stay for the weekend I felt like I need to get away. So I decided the same in order to not create more pain for him to break it up as I was not going to develop love. But I realized it in the beginning after 2 or 3 months. I did not fall in love. I was sure about that, when he was gone and I felt relieved about being alone again. I felt bad about hurting him, but I knew for sure there was no way when feeling like that.

Do you think that maybe being more attracted to women who were "not good" for you might be related to commitment issues? I mean I used to have that in all my previous relations and wanted to stay when things were getting really bad, knowing at the same time it is unhealthy and no real, functional relationship would ever develop with those men.

This time I felt for the first time that it has potential to develop into a healthy relationship.

Thank you for posting about the group in the UK. I will look it up, it does sound interesting to socialize with other people.

 

[Uncertain ways]

The above is only an example, this doesn't mean that your relationship is comparable since I have never met him and the outcome could be totally different. For now I would give him space and if/when you do communicate I would talk about positive things other than making a relationship work and see what happens. If it doesn't work out well, then I'm truly sorry, I wish life was fairer. I do wish you the best of luck however!
[/QUOTE]

The space is very important and talking about positive things too I understand now. I think he tried to communicate this already about focusing on the positive.

Thank you very much also for your wishes. I do wish you good luck too in case you decide looking again for another relationship.

 

[Suzanne]

Thank you. Yes, I had that feeling on Saturday when it suddenly was all fading away. I will give him the space he needs.

How long does it usually take you to go back to your husband after such a situation?

I never leave ( or am I taking you literally there)? As soon as he shows a loving spirit a few times. The first time, I feel a sense of loosing of how I feel towards him, but the second time and so forth, it grows.*

Just yesterday at a spiritual meeting, I was commissioned to read a scripture, but panicked because there were words I knew I would stumble over. I find sounding vows to be almost impossible and my husband whispered to not to worry, he would read it for me and I felt an intense love for him.

It could be, because finally he is realising that what he thinks is being supportive of me, is actually not at all and a few times, he is demontrating that indeed, support is something more and I feel grateful for that.

 

[Uncertain ways]

I never leave ( or am I taking you literally there)? As soon as he shows a loving spirit a few times. The first time, I feel a sense of loosing of how I feel towards him, but the second time and so forth, it grows.*

Just yesterday at a spiritual meeting, I was commissioned to read a scripture, but panicked because there were words I knew I would stumble over. I find sounding vows to be almost impossible and my husband whispered to not to worry, he would read it for me and I felt an intense love for him.

It could be, because finally he is realising that what he thinks is being supportive of me, is actually not at all and a few times, he is demontrating that indeed, support is something more and I feel grateful for that.

Oh, I think I misunderstood. By space I understood retreating and literally leaving the room till feeling better and able to connect again. But you are married thus you will meet each other at home. We do live apart.

That is a sweet example. Your husband knows your weak points and supported you in this situation. I can imagine that this is making you love him.

It is important to understand what you view as support in that situation rather then doing sth that he thinks might be supportive.

 

[Uncertain ways]

So to update and release my feelings a bit, we met today and talked very long.

He told me that he did not develop deep love in these 10 months and that he usually was very fast in love in his previous relationships and engaged after 5 months the last time. He suggested to stay friends and talk after a while, going to the cinema together etc.

I understand it. If he does not feel it it can't be forced. Nevertheless I feel terrible right now, cause it felt like a very long time to me and I did not see this coming at all. My first long relationship at 37.

I was calm during and right after the conversation and now I'm struggling with anxiety attacks. I don't know how to get back to the balanced feeling when I was fine all on my own. People will ask at work about this and I don't want to share it.

 

[paloftoon]

It shows that two aspies ( even if one is not formally diagnosed) does not make a wonderful partnership.

. . . .

While I understand this stereotype, each individual is an individual. It is not as likely that two aspies will make a couple, but it's definitely not impossible. People aspie or not, need to be willing to put up with each others' flaws, inconsistencies, and be attracted to each other's combinations of interest, thinking, backgrounds, etc. Go by the context of each situation. Be as open as you can be to doing and learning other things, and even consider forgiving people for mistakes if they can be honest about it. Usually to discuss more serious matters, try to save that for in-person or phone conversations if possible.

 

[paloftoon]

I would also like to add that I had a few dates with a few aspies by chance. One was a real good match interest wise. I think our family backgrounds were probably more similar than I realized. I, however, did not know how emotionally unavailable I was. So, I ended up saying inappropriate things due to my past and non-sensical imagination. Had I understood myself and how it was affecting me beforehand, things would most likely be very, very different. It's harder for two aspies to be together generally speaking, but not impossible. There's a movie called "Dina" about two aspies living together, and I happen to know Dina a little.

 

[Keigan]

So to update and release my feelings a bit, we met today and talked very long.

He told me that he did not develop deep love in these 10 months and that he usually was very fast in love in his previous relationships and engaged after 5 months the last time. He suggested to stay friends and talk after a while, going to the cinema together etc.

I understand it. If he does not feel it it can't be forced. Nevertheless I feel terrible right now, cause it felt like a very long time to me and I did not see this coming at all. My first long relationship at 37.

I was calm during and right after the conversation and now I'm struggling with anxiety attacks. I don't know how to get back to the balanced feeling when I was fine all on my own. People will ask at work about this and I don't want to share it.

Change, it is one of the most common things we experience in life. The more we embrace change the more comfortable we will be. There is a season for strengthening your togetherness skills and feelings, and a season for strengthening your comfort level with yourself. We never know how long the season will last, though they will change as our own experiences change.

Keep moving, keep growing, keep changing.

 

[Uncertain ways]

I would also like to add that I had a few dates with a few aspies by chance. One was a real good match interest wise. I think our family backgrounds were probably more similar than I realized. I, however, did not know how emotionally unavailable I was. So, I ended up saying inappropriate things due to my past and non-sensical imagination. Had I understood myself and how it was affecting me beforehand, things would most likely be very, very different. It's harder for two aspies to be together generally speaking, but not impossible. There's a movie called "Dina" about two aspies living together, and I happen to know Dina a little.

I think I can see myself rather with somebody on the spectrum. I don't need or would like to keep up with an extremely busy social life, so this is an important factor.

I believe that it would be necessary that both are somewhat aware of themselves and/or open to learn how they contribute to the relationship. And of course the person must be important enough in order to make the efforts, because relationships, whether friendships or romantic, are also requiring some work sometimes.

Sometimes it's easier to just leave and start new somewhere else. This seems to be a trend in this time.

Thank you for the movie recommendation. I will look it up, would like to watch it.

 

[Uncertain ways]

Change, it is one of the most common things we experience in life. The more we embrace change the more comfortable we will be. There is a season for strengthening your togetherness skills and feelings, and a season for strengthening your comfort level with yourself. We never know how long the season will last, though they will change as our own experiences change.

Keep moving, keep growing, keep changing.

Yes, it really is and certainly also important. I am trying to get used to everything being different now and getting back to my own routines. We had some routines together, which I loved. But I am adjusting although it is hard and feels like everything has fallen apart.

It will get better though and well there's no other way than moving forward .