Break up with AS ex, haven't heard from him since, he'd said we'd stay friends

[Sue232]

I had a break up 4-5 months ago. He said several times we'd always be best friends, even if it didn't work out. Sadly since we were together, arguments escalated and it became like the opposite of best friends. Since the break up he hasn't read my messages or spoke to me. We started off as friends, then it developed into a relationship. He told me he had mild Asperger's when we were friends and I said I didn't notice anything different about him as I didn't. There was one time he offended me, but was quick to apologize. Then as we got into a relationship incidents started to happen more and more where he would say/do offensive things and then seem confused why I was upset or angry. He seemed more concerned with his own interests than mine unlike in the beginning. I felt like he wasn't the same person and was being invalidated, confused or even played. He had an overly dependant with his mother, and seemed irresponsible and immature in his ways. It would always go the same when I spoke up about what was bothering me. I said what I felt, he didn't get it, I explained some more... He apologized and claimed to understand because he wanted it to work; we both did so much.

But the same incidents kept happening, we kept fighting. I had to be honest that it wasn't working and nothing was going to change. He agreed and said we'd just keep hurting each other, we broke up. Part of me hoped he'd finally get it and he'd do whatever it took, as he had said every other time. He said 'can we just be friends?' At the time I said fine if you don't want to just try to be more considerate etc. He said he had tried all he could. The conversation was basically that until he said he couldn't do it anymore and that was the last I heard. Although I knew some about Asperger's it was only until we broke up that I researched in depth what it was and what being in a relationship with one truly involved and realised he did try all he could. I feel bad I didn't understand better, was so harsh to him and got angry. So I reached out and said I was sorry for being harsh, I didn't meant to blame him sometimes things just don't work out etc. He didn't read any of my messages, or speak to me after that. I'm sure he saw the first line saying I'd like to stay friends, and nothing.

I felt like I needed closure and answers, like he was annoyed with me and giving the silent treatment. So I got in contact with him mum, initially about him returning my property as he was not talking to me at all. She said he wanted to be friends but was just hurting as I was about the break up. So I told her basically what I'd said to him and I didn't want it to end like that or to argue and wanted to stay friends if he did. She said would pass it on the message.

Time went on, and still nothing from him. I spoke to her again and basically said that he didn't know what to say or how to say it, and didn't want to hurt me. Said he still spoke about the good times we had. It was not what I thought, that he was bitter towards me and ghosting or giving the silent treatment for reasons people usually do, and said good things about me rather than bad. I acknowledged that people don't know how to be after a relationship, and often don't stay friends because it's so difficult but I just didn't get why he couldn't be honest about if we could or not.

I know it's odd to message a grown man's parent, I just I'd messaged him 4-5 times to him and not read/heard anything and thought so may get answers. I'd said I wouldn't reach out anymore unless he did and deleted him on social medias.

So I guess my question is to people with AS and partners/exes who have been in a relationship with one. Does that resonate with you and have you had the same experience of an ex going completely silent after the break up or been the one to end things without seeking closure, trying to resolve things as friends etc. It's been months and I still think of him all the time, how do you get over that and let it go?

I have felt at times I made a mistake and thought what if I had more understanding. Even if I had eyes open, I think because I'm a sensitive person who has anxiety/depression, it proved too much for me and for him with his condition. I'm now able to see I was selfish at times and should have been more informed.

I guess I'm also wondering for people with AS, did you lose contact abruptly after a break up and what was going through your head after the break up? A couple of weeks after he seemed to be getting on with things, posting more online and all that. He soon befriended this chick again who caused problems in our relationship. She previously said she 'wished she had her chance' when we were together. We agreed it was best he ceased contact with her in our relationship. If he didn't want to hurt me, why act as such I'm wondering?I it easier for someone to get over a break up with AS or do you just put up a brave front and force yourself to get on with things and pretend like don't care at all?

 

[Finder]

I am sorry for your situation. This is a bit of a difficult question as while we all share the same disorder/condition, we are individuals too. I would do a search for the Australian clinician Tony Attwood that has written about NT/AS relationships.

But let me take a bit of a stab at answering you. We don't really know how to provide the emotional support NTs need simply because we don't respond to those same rewards. What can compound this for Aspies is that we also have a difficult time understanding and naming our feelings. So not only do we have a problem understanding your needs, we are having a problem understanding how we feel (but we do know we have empathy, but we can't express or access it so easily). He may simply be withdrawing because he is afraid he cannot give the right response and he is really having a difficult time processing the feels he has. So shutting down and withdrawing is a common response. And that is hard for NTs because it is not the response you need.

 

[paloftoon]

I guess the only way I got over my ex was being able to understand that the communication and trust was/got so bad that the person wouldn't even be honest about the breaking up. When I was ready, I went looking for someone else I could be happy with. If it helps, you can consider one last letter or e-mail if you haven't already done something comparable.

In it, you should NOT say anything bad about your ex. Thank him for the good times you did have. You can briefly express your sadness that the communication and trust is no longer there and if you were open to rebuilding, you can mention that briefly. Apologize for anything that you've done or "done" and you can let him know that you will move on. After that, absolutely NO contact unless you get contact initiated to you by him after that.

 

[zozie]

I don't have many relationships, but the ones I've had that've ended are cut off entirely. The last one I had ended similar to the way yours did. Both of us are good people, we both hurt each other without meaning to, there was a lot of trying and effort in the relationship, and what ended up coming out of that was pain and misunderstanding.

He would have been happy being friends, I believe, but I could not do it. It was so much work to try to understand the dynamic and the needs, and I even found myself pretending as a way to "fake it till you make it" which didn't help. It wasn't deceit -- it was a hope that I could be the person the other needed. Eventually, I realized that I could not. As anyone who has come up against personal limitations can attest, this is a hard blow and takes a lot of time to process. Even more so for someone on the spectrum.

For me, keeping contact cut off is a way to preserve the good. Once I noticed a pattern of misunderstanding and hurt, and realized that it was happening despite best efforts, I knew it would happen again. So the silence is a way to "cut my losses", as it were, and remember the good. "Take stock" of what had happened, and sort through why. It's a long process, and, as @Finder has said, we autists don't always know what we feel, so sorting through feelings takes even longer, if it happens at all.

I have a lot of empathy for your situation. Especially when both of you were trying your best. Consider that this "ghosting" is a way to remember the best of the relationship, and a way to process it. Allow for the space, as difficult as it is, and trust your ex's mom that there is good that he remembers. A valuable insight, that, which hopefully in time can give you some closure.

I hope this helps.

 

[OkRad]

It is clear they do not want to connect. You must leave them alone.

Aspies can be very clear but often people do not give them respect once they are clear. He is saying, "I AM DONE," and yet you are saying, "Yeah, but---not really...."

You must get our own closure. There are many ways to get closure. Therapy is one.

You cannot control their desire not to see you. But you can control your desire to continue to try to open a closed door.

In one way another, you MUST move on. Otherwise you are just mentally stalking someone who does not want to be in your head.

 

[hatfullofrain]

I don't know if that's an autism thing or just a man thing. He will have expressed some words at the end and will feel like that's it. He's said his thing. You should move on.

I've tried to press someone for an explanation before and they just kept repeating the one line they said to me. Which is not an explanation according to a woman. I still don't know what happened.

Maybe he was just impulsive and shallow and there is nothing deeper than a one line explanation.

We are all different. He won't talk to you about it. He's said his bit and now it's done and dusted to him.

It does sound harsh to say, "just accept it," but that's all you can do.

I kept having ideas going round my head. What if it was this, what if it was that. There has to be a reason. But if it wasn't important enough to add to the one line explanation I got, then I guess it's not something that's a huge issue I need to fix. Letting go was hard, because I'm always rejected, so there's got to be some reason other than just not clicking again and again and again.

Meh. Maybe that's all there is and I can't do anything about it.

Focus on things that make you happy. If you start to think about him then turn your mind to something else. Watch a comedy video. Play with your pet. Anything.

 

[All-Rounder]

Have 90 days passed? there is a period of no contact for both of you to get over the past if itll go anywhere from a breakup

Then again some people change their mind after they process their feelings and the past