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Boyfriend suddenly ignored me: Aspergers, Sociopath, or Just using me?

K

Koeks

Active Member
I am writing out of pure desperation to gain some kind of understanding of my situation. I think about it constantly and fear I may drive myself insane trying to get an answer.

I met my boyfriend a few months ago, we had an undeniable connection from the moment we started speaking. It felt comfortable and like I was in a dream. He was so caring and honest and we would talk all day, facetiming at least 4 times a day. We both travel for work but had agreed that we would spend our monthly time off together whenever possible. He flew to wherever I was and vice versa. He had explained that he was married previously and had 2 young boys. I had never dated anyone with children but this man made me feel so comfortable about it. His marriage ended a year prior due to infidelity on his wives side. He also explained that he was diagnosed with Aspergers many years ago but he was able to function normally just crowds and certain noises,textures are difficult for him and sometimes needs alone time. I didn't think anything further as he assured me its not something I should ever worry about.

Fast forward 2 months, the relationship was amazing. We were talking about moving in together etc. So it was time to meet his family and children. I went to his hometown, met his entire family, spent 3 days with his boys and ended up getting a puppy together. Everything felt so right. I even left some of my belongings at his place. All with his permission, he would always initiate the conversation about our future and tell me how much he loved me.

2 days after meeting everyone he went back to work and all of a sudden mid conversation I stopped receiving texts from him. I was incredibly worried that something had happened to him. 2 days later I finally got hold of him on his work number where he explained that his phone had broken and he was expecting a new one in a few days and had no way to contact me as my number was on his phone and where he works has social media restrictions on the computers. Thinking nothing of it I just called his work once a day to see how he was. I had a strange gut feeling so I asked if everything was good between us and he said of course and that he loves me.

a few days pass and after each call I feel less and less connected to him. ( Back story, there were changes at work and workload increased dramatically) I decided to call him again as he had received his phone but still had not reached out to me. I asked him what was going on. He said he was really busy. So I asked if he was too busy for me and he responded no and that he would call me later.I asked if I was imaging all of this and he said yes. He never called me.

I left it for a few days as I did not want to bother him if he was just needing some space. On wednesday I called his work and I just asked if we were still in a relationship as he hasnt tried to actively talk to me in 10 days. His response was we can talk about it later. I am absolutely heartbroken. I dont know what happened. I have still not heard from him and hes blocked me from Facebook.

I cant understand how things went from absolutely great to no contact and no explanation at all. if he doesnt want to be with me why cant he just text me saying its over?

Any opinions would be appreciated as I dont know what to do. And should this be a case where I should just leave it, how do I go about getting my belongings back?

Thank you.
 
Lots of possibilities. One of which he may have started seeing his ex again and she could have blocked you. Another, that whatever possible reason, being aspie was just unable to say it to you. Hope it was nothing very important that you left at his house. I'm really sorry you are going through this.
 
Oh, you can find the answer to that in chapter 3, page 12 of the Aspergers handbook we all get as a welcome gift upon diagnosis. I joke obviously. He either can’t or won’t talk to you at the moment. No one here can tell you which it is. Because we don’t know him.

You can choose to either wait until you figure out which one it is, or decide to move on.

Talking about about moving in together after two months and getting a puppy together this soon into a relationships are both major red flags to me. Why rush into things like that, especially when there’s children involved?
 
@Koeks

It looks like you've known this guy less than a year.
So you don't really have an extended sample of his behavior
over time.

It was 10 days since he talked with you, so you called him.
"His response was we can talk about it later."

"...if he doesnt want to be with me why cant he just text me saying its over?"
It's possible he doesn't text you that because it isn't over.
If you have known him only half a year or so, it's actually hardly begun.

===
If you break up with him, he could mail or ship your items to you.
 
If he is needing alone time, I think this is something he already told you about, then let him have his alone time. If you call him and text him every day, then you aren’t giving him this thing he already told you he needs.
Things were moving way too fast and anyone, Aspie or otherwise, would need a break from all that. Meeting family! Getting a puppy! I would need at least a month alone to process.
So my advice is to cool it and house break the puppy.
 
Given how new your relationship is, it's possible that he's freaking out over how worried you are about this. It may be making him anxious and making him question whether or not the relationship will work (and if he's already stressed out and that's affecting his communication with you and/or his ability to figure out what he wants/needs/feels, this would only make it worse) -- if you want to go a whole lot faster than he does, or if he is seeing your insecurities as a sign that he will not be able to meet your emotional needs in the relationship.
 
BraidedPony said:
If he is needing alone time, I think this is something he already told you about, then let him have his alone time. If you call him and text him every day, then you aren’t giving him this thing he already told you he needs.
Things were moving way too fast and anyone, Aspie or otherwise, would need a break from all that. Meeting family! Getting a puppy! I would need at least a month alone to process.
So my advice is to cool it and house break the puppy.
Click to expand...
Wait - who has the puppy? I assumed he had the puppy since you were there when you got it.
 
Bolletje said:
Oh, you can find the answer to that in chapter 3, page 12 of the Aspergers handbook we all get as a welcome gift upon diagnosis. I joke obviously. He either can’t or won’t talk to you at the moment. No one here can tell you which it is. Because we don’t know him.

You can choose to either wait until you figure out which one it is, or decide to move on.

Talking about about moving in together after two months and getting a puppy together this soon into a relationships are both major red flags to me. Why rush into things like that, especially when there’s children involved?
Click to expand...


I completely agree, I was very surprised when he spoke about the future with so much confidence. I have always been hesitant to discuss things in prior relationships but it was so great to have someone so completely sure he wanted to be with me so I let it be. I was hesitant to meet his children so soon but he was adamant that I did. I think thats why Im struggling with this so much.
 
Koeks said:
I completely agree, I was very surprised when he spoke about the future with so much confidence. I have always been hesitant to discuss things in prior relationships but it was so great to have someone so completely sure he wanted to be with me so I let it be. I was hesitant to meet his children so soon but he was adamant that I did. I think thats why Im struggling with this so much.
Click to expand...

Maybe he wanted you to meet his children at the outset because if there were any problems there it would be a no-go situation.....rather than you meeting his children being a sign that he was already committing to being with you forever. Sort of like....better to know now before things go any further?

Or maybe he didn't really think everything through, was acting impulsively?

Or maybe he is 100% committed and this whole situation is nothing to worry about -- i.e. this lack of communication is just the kind of thing that you can expect to happen if he gets really busy and really stressed out.
 
tree said:
@Koeks

It looks like you've known this guy less than a year.
So you don't really have an extended sample of his behavior
over time.

It was 10 days since he talked with you, so you called him.
"His response was we can talk about it later."

"...if he doesnt want to be with me why cant he just text me saying its over?"
It's possible he doesn't text you that because it isn't over.
If you have known him only half a year or so, it's actually hardly begun.

===
If you break up with him, he could mail or ship your items to you.
Click to expand...
You are right, I haven't known him for an extended period of time. Perhaps this is normal behavior for him. I hope he does reach out.
 
the_tortoise said:
Maybe he wanted you to meet his children at the outset because if there were any problems there it would be a no-go situation.....rather than you meeting his children being a sign that he was already committing to being with you forever. Sort of like....better to know now before things go any further?
Click to expand...
that actually makes sense
 
So many possibilities. Some may be Aspie-ness, some may not be.

He may have just decided not to be with you. Maybe he had his fill. Maybe be went back to his ex. Maybe when you came and he saw you in person, he did not like something about you and feels bad. Maybe he liked your personality, but not something about your looks and is ashamed to admit that. Maybe one of his kids does not like something about you. If he was able to fall for you so quickly, maybe he has fallen for someone else just as quickly and know you are the old gf.

It may be something simple, like just not liking something about you or not wanting to settle down or wanting to date more people. It may not be a broad, complicated Aspie-ness thing.

Or it may be terribly complicated and he may have something more than Aspergers. Maybe he has a deep mental illness you don't know anything about. Maybe he has PTSD or OCD or MPD or maybe he is hiding a deep, secret past he can never share with anyone.....

The bottom line is ---

If you let a person who is confusing confuse you, then you can expect more confusion. If someone gets confusing , the best course, IMHO, is to RUN LIKE mad. Don't try to figure out why and when and who and what and all that. Drop him like a hot piece of metal unless you want more confusion in your life.

You were not deeply loved in a this short a period of time, despite your illusions. But he sure confused you. So the benefits you hoped to reap with Love are way overshadowed by the confusion. RUN!
 
BraidedPony said:
If he is needing alone time, I think this is something he already told you about, then let him have his alone time. If you call him and text him every day, then you aren’t giving him this thing he already told you he needs.
Things were moving way too fast and anyone, Aspie or otherwise, would need a break from all that. Meeting family! Getting a puppy! I would need at least a month alone to process.
So my advice is to cool it and house break the puppy.
Click to expand...
Thank you, I will try be patient and hope for an explanation at some point.
 
Thank you so much, you could absolutely be right. I need to just write it off as a lesson and stop making excuses for his behavior.
 
This reminds me of a super long post I just recently made about a guy I dated! He had sudden, unexplainable shifts in his behavior like this, and they too often came right after something that seemed to show that he loved me or was committed. There was never really any logical explanation.

One time, everything seemed perfect for several months, we got a hotel, had sex, everything was great, then he told me he had cheated on me!

I'm not saying it is the case for you, but maybe the guy is just a whacko asshole! Apparently those exist! I really hope that's not what's happening though. Good luck!
 
Koeks said:
Thank you so much, you could absolutely be right. I need to just write it off as a lesson and stop making excuses for his behavior.
Click to expand...

This is a bit harsh.

It is not "making excuses" to try to understand someone and where they are coming from.

If the way he acts and what he wants is not acceptable to you, there's nothing wrong with that and you should absolutely make decisions to take care of yourself and meet your own wants and needs, but there's no need to condemn him as some kind of wrongdoer (your phrasing "making excuses" belongs in a context where someone is accused of wrongdoing) when you have no idea what his side of the story is.
 
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I don’t know your boyfriend, but I need time to process changes in my life. If I suddenly had a boyfriend that had some stuff at my house, a new puppy...I’d go a bit nuts.
I would have to be alone and relax and think and then not think, and then think some more.
You don’t have to just sit and wait for him to call...do whatever you like doing and don’t expect him to make everything right by a phone call.
 
Fino said:
This reminds me of a super long post I just recently made about a guy I dated! He had sudden, unexplainable shifts in his behavior like this, and they too often came right after something that seemed to show that he loved me or was committed. There was never really any logical explanation.

One time, everything seemed perfect for several months, we got a hotel, had sex, everything was great, then he told me he had cheated on me!

I'm not saying it is the case for you, but maybe the guy is just a whacko asshole! Apparently those exist! I really hope that's not what's happening though. Good luck!
Click to expand...


I’m so glad I’m not alone in this. Did he ever reach out to you again?
 
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