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Boyfriend says he can't be with me because of Asperger's

W

WinterTea

New Member
Hi there,

About a year and a half ago my boyfriend was diagnosed with mild Asperger's, which is what he told me. He is 24 and I am 25 years old. We have been together for 6 years and we have had ups and downs in our relationship, of course.

During the rough times he has done detrimental things like lying about his whereabouts, getting really drunk and staying out till 4 am multiple times, talking suggestively to girls behind my back via text, and secretly hanging out with his ex behind my back even though we are still together. He would lash out and call me derogatory names, etc. He lies a LOT about things big and small, and he recently owned up to being a compulsive liar. He apologizes about his behavior but it is worrisome for me because he has a history of repeating these negative behaviors. Its caused me horrible paranoia and trust issues, depression as well.

He tends to be emotionally turbulent and irrational during the worst of times, but I have always been pretty patient with him and remained with him despite all that because I love him, but I do lose my patience when he does hurtful things. He swore that he would change all this negative behavior, but when he is faced with having to change, he feels its overwhelming pressure to change and breaks up with me.

He has broken up with me twice in the past three months, most recent time was a week ago, and both times he broke up with me he said he is definitely not getting back into a relationship with me. But then he changes his mind within a day or two and wants to be with me again. We are together currently
Every time he breaks up with me he says his Asperger's doesn’t allow him to be in a relationship and that people with Asperger's are not ever good in relationships. He says he can’t be with me because of his Asperger's, his condition makes it near impossible and its the reason he behaves the way he does.
Now, I don’t really know much about Asperger's but is there truth in that? I really would like to understand, can anyone shed some light?

Thank you for any advice.
 
His issues are NOT due to Asperger's- he's using it as an excuse for really bad behavior. The compulsive lying should be a giant red flag for you to find someone who is trustworthy at the least and will treat you well.
 
Run . Fast. You are in for heartbreak.
 
Thank you so much for your replies!!
I know I should get out of this relationship, but the trouble is I am afraid to because I don’t know how I will be able to handle it after I leave him. He is my first and only boyfriend, and my only friend (I have social anxiety) so I guess I have been holding on, trying to wait for him to change, because I wanted him to be someone good. But he has been awful to me and I can’t take it anymore, but I am scared and I love him.
I agree with you all and see him for what he is. I am going to try my hardest to get up the courage to leave. Right now I am pregnant by him and he desperately wants me to get an abortion, and its a lot of stress to be in such a failing relationship. I am so frustrated with myself for not leaving earlier.
 
Aspies are quite capable of being in loving relationships. I'm one and I'm happily married to another one. I agree wholeheartedly with both @LucyPurrs and @OkRad. Your boyfriend is nothing but trouble and will not change. You deserve much better than the stress and (ultimately) heartbreak he has to offer you.
 
WinterTea said:
Thank you so much for your replies!!
I know I should get out of this relationship, but the trouble is I am afraid to because I don’t know how I will be able to handle it after I leave him. He is my first and only boyfriend, and my only friend (I have social anxiety) so I guess I have been holding on, trying to wait for him to change, because I wanted him to be someone good. But he has been awful to me and I can’t take it anymore, but I am scared and I love him.
I agree with you all and see him for what he is. I am going to try my hardest to get up the courage to leave. Right now I am pregnant by him and he desperately wants me to get an abortion, and its a lot of stress to be in such a failing relationship. I am so frustrated with myself for not leaving earlier.
Click to expand...
The best thing to do is to record yourself on a camera on how you feel RIGHT NOW. I had to leave a relationship that was terrible, too. I did go back a few times and it was wasted time. I used to think to myself after every time I went back and left again, "Where would I be NOW if I had just stayed gone?!" What got me over it was recording myself crying after he hurt me and watching it when I got weak. It make me so mad.
You are wasting time you will never, ever get back.
You better leave now while you can.
My niece got pregnant by a jerk and she made the big mistake of staying with him. She put him on the birth certificate and guess what? He got the baby. The baby is now 12 and my niece still does not have custody.
You need to think of that baby. You will love that baby WAY WAY WAY more than you love Jerk. You will forget about Jerk as soon as you hold that baby in your arms.
No relationship is better than a bad one.
All parents love their kids sooooooo much, so just think about that when you think of abortion. I can't tell you what to do, but you have an opportunity to get away from Jerk and you have inside you a little life that will help you forget about Jerk completely.
If he does not know you are pregnant, that is for the best.
Again, I can't make your decisions, but you know where this will go. There are clear trajectories in cases like this. Extricate yourself emotionally and try to make decisions that will make you and the baby have a better life. You can do this!!
 
PS- One last thing. I am only taking one side because you are here. If Jerk comes on and he is as nice as pie and all that, well, then I would have to back off because I don't know the story. So, my point is, in cases like yours, look at what happens in 99% of the cases and don't think you will be the exception. You are strong and I am sure he has his supports that are working to make him strong, too. We all need to change and always strive to be better.............
 
You might think you can’t handle leaving him, but truth be told you can and you will. Trust me you’ll feel sooo much better after leaving, and besides there’s tons of guys that you’ll meet.
 
Take of yourself and do what you need to do even though it will all be difficult. Ignore huge problems and they get much bigger. It's ok to love the guy but that doesn't mean you need to be together. Sometimes love is between two well matched people and other times not even close to a good idea. Sounds like you fell in love with someone who is not a good match at all. It happens to lots of people so don't be too hard on yourself, but now that you know it's not healthy get out. I know two people with social anxiety disorder, severe, and both are now making friends. It took awhile but they got there. And one had a 30 year marriage to a guy like you are with right now. Don't wait as long as she did to walk away. She is soooo much happier now than she ever could have been with her ex.
 
Sounds like this guy's using being Aspie as an excuse to be a bit of a git.

You're probably better off looking elsewhere.
 
He may or may not have Aspergers but that isn't really relevant honestly. Much more important is that you are/we're in an abusive relationship. What you describe as "ups and downs" is a horrible cycle of betrayal, abuse, and manipulation.
 
It is part of the maturing process to "feel love's sting" when we get out of our early relationships. It will be a lesson about yourself, and for those you meet in the future. Like those have said before, there are many signs you've found that this person does not truly LOVE you. You may fear being alone and lonely again, but you should fear even more, what can happen to YOU in a relationship with a person like this. You must LOVE yourself. Learn what makes and brakes a relationship... You're learning the "brakes" part now... So go and learn the "makes" part and you will a happier, healthier person for the rest of your life!
 
WinterTea said:
Every time he breaks up with me he says his Asperger's doesn’t allow him to be in a relationship and that people with Asperger's are not ever good in relationships. Now, I don’t really know much about Asperger's but is there truth in that? I really would like to understand, can anyone shed some light?
Click to expand...

I'm so sorry you are going through this but no, there is no truth to that. I have aspergers and have had many functional relationships and am now married with two children. He is using it as an excuse, being a compulsive liar and calling you names is a choice that he is making and nothing to do with aspergers.

However, that being said, it does sound like the aspergers is playing a role. It may be that he is too young to have really embraced how his mind works. Aspies take in a lot of information, they don't follow the crowd, they think differently and independently which can be overwhelming. If we don't take the time to process this information, then meltdowns are fairly inevitable. It sounds like he is running away and trying to come to terms with the sensory overload that we all experience.

I have acted in a similar way, when I first started seeing my husband, he would insist that if I really cared about him, I wouldn't want to be on my own, I wouldn't feel the need to escape. Of course this wasn't true at all, but it led to me escaping quietly and lying about it. It did NOT lead me to calling him names or contacting ex boyfriends!

The combination of your social anxiety and his aspergers sounds like a very difficult mix, you are probably clinging to him whilst he is trying to escape and clear his head, without breaking this cycle, it was inevitably going to end with depression.

Unfortunately, in a few months time, it won't be about you or him anymore, there will be a baby to think about. So I would start by blocking out the dramas, the history, taking yourself somewhere quiet and alone with your thoughts and really asking yourself, what do you want? Do you want him in your life?
 
I agree with Bella, above. Needing time alone alone is one thing.
Doing "detrimental things like lying about his whereabouts, getting really drunk and staying out till 4 am multiple times, talking suggestively to girls behind my back via text, and secretly hanging out with his ex behind my back even though we are still together. He would lash out and call me derogatory names, etc. He lies a LOT about things big and small, and he recently owned up to being a compulsive liar." is something totally different.
It's ABUSIVE.

This has nothing to do with Aspergers, and everything to do with him being a jerk. There are lots of great Aspie guys out there who would sooner cut off their arm than hurt the one they love.
Dear girl, you deserve better than this.
 
The resentment and mistrust you’re feeling is only going to get worse if something drastic doesn’t change and especially if baby comes in the picture and you haven’t sorted through your issues. I don’t hear anything aspie about his behavior and agree with the others.
It’s really really hard to pull away from your first relationship, but from your description you are putting up with a lot, and once you separate you’ll be kicking yourself for not having left earlier.
Gosh you have a lot on your plate. If you do decide to stay with him and keep the baby I might recommend you look into a licensed marriage and family therapist(LFMT) because if he is aspie and you have anxiety they can give you the tools to work together and through life with the baby.
 
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