Boyfriend fixated on food and exercise

[sisselcakes]

Geez. It took me forever to figure out how to post a new thread.

Okay. Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated.

I suspect my boyfriend is HFA. He has a good number of ASD traits. One thing I didn't see was a hyper-focus or fixation on a particular subject, UNTIL the other night he commented on my eating a lime popsicle right before bed. Apparently, eating a popsicle right before bed is bad. LOL. He sent me an article today about the relation between eating before bed and memory issues. It's kind of endearing but annoying at the same time.

He is fixated on food, exercise and health in general. When we first started dating, he commented that we had to work on getting me into shape. BTW, for my age I look healthy and well-proportioned. I was flabbergasted and just about fell over because I interpreted it as him saying I was fat! I was about to end things after he made several comments that seemed critical/judgmental. Later, a childhood friend of his chuckled and said, "I think he's talking about health concerns, not your weight." (I guess he's used to my BF's communication style).

My BF is careful about what he eats, exercises regularly, and is proud to say he has maintained his same weight since adolescence. At one point (before I realized the ASD traits) I insisted he must have an eating disorder but I don't really see that now. (I work in the mental health field so have some knowledge about these things.)

He stresses out if I drink diet soda in front of him. He comments on my use of artificial coffee creamer. He monitors how much alcohol I drink. He can't stand the fact I'm on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication because of "side effects", though I have none. He has let up on the exercise thing a bit. Used to make comments when I would skip Zumba classes. You get the point.

He is not amenable to logic on this, or to education unless it supports his position. I mean, it's sweet because it comes from good intentions. He's told me he loves me and wants what's best for me. He's encouraged me to stop the medication, saying he will help me if I get depressed. My explaining how bad I was without medication does not make a difference in his mind.

So, first, let me ask a general question for those who do have obsessions/fixations. Is it likely this is very anxiety provoking for him? I guess I can ask him. Duh! LOL. Still interested in your feedback. Like if someone interferes with your fixation, does it agitate you?

Any ideas on how to help him with this (and me!)? I think one way would be to minimize his exposure to his concerns but I also have to be myself!

I appreciate your feedback. Has been invaluable so far.

 

[Beverly]

I think we all have our passions, obsessions, things we focus on and, more or less allow our lives to revolve around. NTs do it too but to a lesser degree and, can easily set those things aside where we can't. I don't get upset if someone I care for does not share my love of music and cooking but, I do get upset if they try to keep me from either or, even worse, give me bad advise regarding either.

Now good advice, constructive criticism on my passions, I love, that helps me improve and, I'm never so good that I can't get better at the things I do.

Say you were my partner and, you hated Death metal music but, I needed to rehearse or work on a song I was writing. Fine you don't like it, you can go elsewhere while I play and that's cool but, if you stand there covering your ears, scowling and generally making it known that I am annoying you, doing my thing when you want me to do your thing instead, we have a problem.

Aside form it being my livelihood, I mentally NEED to engage in my passions for my own sanity and peace of mind. it is a part of my arsenal of mental tools I use to help me process things. Deny me that and, yes I will have at least a minor meltdown and, you will be the target of that aggression, it's that simple.

 

[sisselcakes]

Thank you. That totally makes sense.

What is a challenge for me is that I am NOT trying to influence how he eats or exercises, rather it's his issue with what I do. If it is a fixation for him, though, I could see how it would be annoying or anxiety provoking.

I agree we all have our things we use to escape/relax. I'm wondering if his interest in health, etc. is comforting to him somehow.

 

[Beverly]

Okay, my guess is he is doing it out of genuine concern for your well being. I'm sure he knows that what we eat and how much exercise, of what kind we do affect not just our physical condition but our energy levels, digestive health, immune health, mental well being, all of it.

Give a little, make suitable meals for the two of you to share, offer to go for a walk with him and, don't complain when it's a bit of a power walk but, do tell him when you are getting tired so he knows to slow up a bit. Trade that lime ice bar for a cup of sugar free limeade now and then. Then turn it around, ask him to give a bit now and then for you, have that small slice of cake, be crazy and eat ice cream while watching a movie right before bed, spend a day just lazing in the hot tub or on the sofa just because you can and, you want to be together.

Help him see that you'll try for him but, it's okay, and even fun for both of you if he lets go and cheats now and then too.

I have to stick to a pretty strict diet and exercise routine because of my career. I can't ever weigh over 120 Lbs. and, preferably closer to 110 and, I've got to be in shape to dance, jump and expend a lot of energy for two hours solid, non stop but, I still relax and have that ice cream movie night now an then, or that decadent fudge cream cake when I'm in New York. It doesn't make me gain 20 lbs. or loose muscle tone overnight, it's just fun and, a time to laugh, and relax with my people. Took me a while to learn that but, it's a good thing to learn. maybe you can help your guy learn that.

 

[sisselcakes]

Well, now that you mention your fitness requirements it does make me think that his concern is a positive one even though it can be annoying.

I lost about 15 lbs from the stress of our first months of dating (because of our conflict related to my interpretation he was rude/critical/judgmental about lots of stuff. That has virtually disappeared because of my increased awareness. And I can tell he tries to back off when I tell him to cut it out. I guess sometimes he can't help himself). Well, I have eaten healthier and spent less money since meeting him because he barely goes out to eat. I have been more active because he is, doing things that none of my friends want to do like biking and kayaking. He cooks for me too which is sweet. Hey, now I realize what the heck am I complaining for? He's a sweetheart.

I just sent him a text asking why this issue seems to bother him. He didn't answer right away, so I texted him that if he didn't answer my question I was going to eat a lime popsicle right before bedtime. He wrote back "No you aren't". LOL

 

[Beverly]

LOL, I'd text back "Okay, a sugar free limeade then. "

He does sound like a great guy, he just got a large dose of my trainer is all. Yes I have one that makes Jillian Michaels look like a baby kitten, he's a tough one, pushy, infuriating, demanding, just terrible and, I love him and what he does for me. he tears me a new back side every time I cheat, even a little but, I do it anyway, worth it for the taste and the fun and, I don't do it but maybe once every six to eight weeks so, not a problem, not to me at least. my trainer thinks otherwise but hey, I'm the diva here LOL.

 

[Judge]

I once had a relationship with a woman who sounded just like this. Except she was decidedly NT and not on the spectrum.

She was an absolute slave to health in general and attempted to export it all to anyone within her orbit. Bad idea.

 

[granolaturtle]

I

I once had a relationship with a woman who sounded just like this. Except she was decidedly NT and not on the spectrum.

She was an absolute slave to health in general and attempted to export it all to anyone within her orbit. Bad idea.

Yeah, I don't mean to sound rude, but this boyfriend doesn't seem to simply have a special interest, he seems to just want to control others through food. I've known plenty of health people that always put others down for what they eat, always making comments about people's weight and if they go to the gym or not. They definitely weren't "just concerned for people's health".

 

[sisselcakes]

Well, I wondered about that - trying to control me. It felt like that but he isn't controlling in any other way. His mom died from breast cancer when he was a teen so that may play into it. :-(.

 

[Skylar]

It sounds like it could be something called orthorexia. I've known a few people to have it and I sometimes react that way to myself or others eating things that I consider to be unhealthy, even if I rationally know that it won't do that much harm. But I don't think it sounds like he has HFA, it's something NT's can experience too.

 

[Tom]

Yes, as Judge pointed out, fanaticism can be problematic no matter who/what/where it comes from.

Look at it as if this was a kid in a class. Its ok if he refuses to eat the deserts at lunch and does exercises during recess. He can even occasionally do a school assignment on the benefits of this or that. But he has no say or control on what the other kids eat or do, and isn't allowed to study nothing but health related subjects. It should also be pointed out his fixation will drive the other kids away.

 

[Judge]

Yeah, I don't mean to sound rude, but this boyfriend doesn't seem to simply have a special interest, he seems to just want to control others through food. I've known plenty of health people that always put others down for what they eat, always making comments about people's weight and if they go to the gym or not. They definitely weren't "just concerned for people's health".

Nothing rude taken. We agree. That's why I considered it a "bad idea".

That it likely involved something more than just an interest in peoples' health.

Simple reality: Few people want to be micromanaged based on the alleged logic of others- for whatever reasons.

 

[sisselcakes]

It sounds like it could be something called orthorexia. I've known a few people to have it and I sometimes react that way to myself or others eating things that I consider to be unhealthy, even if I rationally know that it won't do that much harm. But I don't think it sounds like he has HFA, it's something NT's can experience too.

Hi there. I looked this up, and yes, he definitely has some of the behaviors and fixations. Very interesting! Thank you.