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Boy trouble

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by PollyAne, May 3, 2021.

  1. PollyAne

    PollyAne New Member

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    I have a problem with the guy I was seeing. We were once a couple but broke up. Six months ago, we met at the same university and became friends. We had two dates in February. In March, we were together at a friend's party where I got drunk, talked stupid and even had a concussion. Of course, I apologized and everyone was understanding, but there was a problem that one of my best friends told him that I was badmouthing him. I just confided to her that it hurts me that he ignores me at a party as he does at college. I even talked to him about it, but he "has the right to do what he wants". He has a very hard character, low self-esteem and communication problems. However, what he did hurt me very much. This "best friend" of mine was offended for the party so she talked everyone against me with lies and half-truths. Of course, my beloved was not angry with me, but as she told him that I was hurt how he behaved towards me at party, plus my other secrets, he also took her side. However, it was not only him that she revealed the things that I told her in confidence, she told them to everyone. Of course, she called it "not doing drama", but if she wanted to break up the friendship, she should talk to me and not destroy my reputation and relationship and persuade everyone to not talking to me. She stated that for "her mental health she must break this relationship". Big XD. However, they don't care that their behavior was the last straw for my depression. My boyfriend said I went too far and broke up with me. As I tried to explain him my side of the story, he wouldn't even want to listen to me. On the one hand, it comforts me that he was a terrible boyfriend then and now. (I quit my hobby because of him. When communication problems arose, he blamed my asperger, not that that he couldn't really talk. I had to always include him in my activites, friends meetings etc., but he didn't have to do anything because "he has the right to do what he wants") However, I loved him and I was happy even with the minimum from him. What should I do next?

    P.S. I forgot to add, of course, I broke up with these people and it was great because if they are so toxic, it's not worth it. However, I decided that I would be a better person and I would initiate a conversation to clarify everything between us, because maybe I really did something wrong. I didn't even have to explain their arguments did not coincide with what they originally said, they mistakes what they said minutes ago or what others said and lied about what happened at another party where there were other people who can confirm that what "my friends" said was a lie.
     
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  2. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

    Messages:
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    You were gaslighted by this horrible friend, she set you up for the big fall. She is a fremeny. They act like your friend, but when the right opp presents itself, they go in with jinsu knives and you are sushi. And us being on the spectrum, usually does present opportunities.

    Sending you a giant virtual hug and pink magenta virtual teddy to put on your bed.☺
     
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  3. VictorR

    VictorR Random Member V.I.P Member

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    First of all, welcome!

    Secondly, I'm sorry about all that.

    There are times where we just have to walk away from things and not overthink things.

    Also, I understand that you state you loved him, but it sounds like he was treating you more like chattel then a friend, let alone a girlfriend.

    You deserve better, and if you are looking for a guy, I'm sure at some point you'll come across the right one. For those of us on the spectrum, regardless of gender/gender identity, we tend not to have many friends, but rather, a very small number of close friends.

    As for "friends", try not to get sucked into a popularity type contest because we can't win them, especially when we have troubles differentiating real friends, and those who are toying with us.

    There's a lot of memoirs of autistic women who have unwittingly been through bad friendships and relationships. Perhaps you may be able to draw strength from them and the lessons they share to try to find and develop better friendships and relationships in the future. Just remember that it takes time and patience, okay?
     
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  4. OkRad

    OkRad μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην V.I.P Member

    Messages:
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    Good lord. Thank God you escaped. Never look back. Go watch Vertigo to see how dangerous not to let go of the past!!
     
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  5. The Lorax

    The Lorax Active Member

    Messages:
    25
    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2021
    Karma:
    +52
    When you get my age you realize this.....

    If someone doesn't like you for your wonderful qualities... **** em.
    Your real friends love you for YOU. You might get drunk, be foolish, do something stupid, but if you are kind and empathetic to others they should accept you as well.

    I look for kindness first in a person I might want to be friends with. If they show real negative emotions like jealousy, envy, lifting themselves at the expense of others, I don't need that person as a friend no matter how they treat me. Eventually they will treat me like crap also.

    So if you are a kind, empathetic person look for the same.

    Now there is one caveat to this.... If no one likes you, and I don't mean YOU specifically, then maybe there is something off about you. You might be might be too negative, an energy suck, depressing, complaining, demoralizing. That person needs help in a different way. Perhaps they are depressed or hopeless. Perhaps they don't dress acceptably or even bath enough for other people to stand. But I find this person very rarely. It takes a lot to have no one like you.

    Anyways if you are in college and young just date. Date a lot. Meet all sorts of guys, or girls, and see what you like. When I was your age I dated so much at one point I was going out with 3 different girls. In the end I knew exactly the type of person I wanted to be with and I got incredibly lucky and found her. My wife did the same. She dated more than I did. She knew what she wanted.

    Find kind, empathetic, happy people to be with. Usually these kind of people are also stable. If you have depression be sure to get medicated. Different medications work differently and can stop working. My wife has severe depression. When Prozac stopped working she had to try various other medications till she got the right one.

    I wish I could sit you down and funnel all my life wisdom to you. Don't worry you are young. You have plenty of time to meet friends and date. Your generation has such a much easier time at it than mine. If I was 22 I'd be on dating apps and being part of groups I have interest in just meeting people. I got lucky I have a pretty good group of good friends.

    Don't worry about this wanker. There are plenty of men, endless, better men.
    You will make more friends.
     
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