Blocking

[Cate]

Hello. My name is Cate. I recently dated a man with Asperger's. We went out for 2-3 weeks and then he dropped me by text.

I do not have Asperger's and wasn't aware until now about the aversion to hand holding or kissing. He felt I took advantage but based on his words I didn't think so. Anyway, he was a wonderful man.

We talked on the phone after the final text and within seconds after the conversation he blocked me on WhatsApp and his cell phone/ texts.

I am mortified. We both misunderstood each other and I feel terrible. I want contact but clearly he doesn't. Are the chances slim that he will unblock me? Is this typical or just his own coping method.

Also, what are the chances he will reconnect? I did send a quick email apologizing for my part but no response. I wrote that I will not communicate further unless he chooses to do so. I now understand the full magnitude of my actions but he never divulged he had Asperger's.

Thoughts?

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Not having enough information, it's difficult to speak on his behalf, as all of us have different comfort levels. even after of 40 years of marriage my wife do not always get me.

 

[Tom]

Some are very skitterish, and he might still be running trying to get as much distance as possible.

It might be the aversion to touch or that may just be the reason he gave and there were other issues as well. No way of knowing. But yes and no mean just that of course and he's given a clear 'no'. So I wouldn't waste any more time or thought about it.

 

[Cate]

Some are very skitterish, and he might still be running trying to get as much distance as possible.

It might be the aversion to touch or that may just be the reason he gave and there were other issues as well. No way of knowing. But yes and no mean just that of course and he's given a clear 'no'. So I wouldn't waste any more time or thought about it.

He offered friendship in his text and I agreed but then he had a meltdown about things I had no idea about and then things snowballed and we ended the call abruptly. Two days after the call I sent him an email with an apology since I was in shock and processing what he said on the phone and couldn't think straight at the tune. Am now honoring his wish for blocking/space but pray I can salvage something.

 

[Cate]

I am okay with the space but i hope at some point he unblocks me.

Perhaps, he felt like i insulted his manhood, since I moved a but faster than he did. Very confusing, because a few days before he wanted to go away with me, though that was quashed since I felt it was too sudden and that made me uncomfortable.

Anyway, bit sure what else to say.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

MY older brother a fellow Aspie now deceased got married once. ended up getting divorced. his personality was just to rigid, unable to compromise, whenever they got into a disagreement After the marriage was over did he seem to get it. Happy wife, happy life does not really apply to us. this is not our paradigm. Honesty ranks very high. THE normal back and forth you would expect with a typical male female feeling each other out is completely different we tend to take words literally subtle is not one of our forte's.

 

[Aspychata]

You can't talk in subtle nuances,. You need to be very direct in communication and always in honesty.

You also have to allow that we respond slower to emotions. I am still processing my last week of things l went thru. Tough week. So he may talk to you and get off the phone and respond to what you said 24 hours later.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

What a weirdo. What's the point of dating if he doesn't want to kiss and hold the hand of a pretty lady? Male hormones usually win out over autism. How could you possibly have taken advantage of him by holding his hand and giving him a kiss? Don't take it personal, he's either a real jerk or a total soyboy who is also in the closet.

Iif my wife had taken that advice 40 years ago we would probably not be married now

 

[Judge]

I'm sorry you've experienced such a thing.

If he did not tell you he's on the spectrum of autism, how did you determine that he is?

I certainly never had any aversion to hand-holding or kissing when it came to more intimate relationships. Yet outside of an intimate relationship, I can't say I appreciated being randomly touched. That much is true. Though I'd be reticent to observe any one behavior and deduce it as reflecting autism.

I once had a somewhat similar experience where I broke off a relationship. And we did manage to get together for a time, but I was eventually dumped. I suppose it's always possible that he might come back over time, especially if he realizes that he acted impetuously in breaking off his relationship with you.

 

[Rasputin]

Hello. My name is Cate. I recently dated a man with Asperger's. We went out for 2-3 weeks and then he dropped me by text.

I do not have Asperger's and wasn't aware until now about the aversion to hand holding or kissing. He felt I took advantage but based on his words I didn't think so. Anyway, he was a wonderful man.

We talked on the phone after the final text and within seconds after the conversation he blocked me on WhatsApp and his cell phone/ texts.

I am mortified. We both misunderstood each other and I feel terrible. I want contact but clearly he doesn't. Are the chances slim that he will unblock me? Is this typical or just his own coping method.

Also, what are the chances he will reconnect? I did send a quick email apologizing for my part but no response. I wrote that I will not communicate further unless he chooses to do so. I now understand the full magnitude of my actions but he never divulged he had Asperger's.

Thoughts?

It sounds like he has some fear and trust issues. Perhaps he had a bad experience once, and that could contribute to his behavior. Considering he blocked you, it is clear that he doesn’t want to communicate. I would put this behind you.

 

[Cate]

I agree. I won't reach out unless he does. Can't help but wonder if he met someone else.

However, why would I want to be with a guy who has blocked me for 5 days. Also, I found out that he was separated. Then later he admitted his wife was living upstairs and he was downstairs.

To think, he was an international award winning photographer. Very good at that but the rest of his life was a mess.

 

[Cate]

I'm sorry you've experienced such a thing.

If he did not tell you he's on the spectrum of autism, how did you determine that he is?

I certainly never had any aversion to hand-holding or kissing when it came to more intimate relationships. Yet outside of an intimate relationship, I can't say I appreciated being randomly touched. That much is true. Though I'd be reticent to observe any one behavior and deduce it as reflecting autism.

I once had a somewhat similar experience where I broke off a relationship. And we did manage to get together for a time, but I was eventually dumped. I suppose it's always possible that he might come back over time, especially if he realizes that he acted impetuously in breaking off his relationship with you.

I felt he had some symptoms ie hyper focussed on his photography, driving, and the sensory issues. Also, one day i commented on something about Asperger's and you could hear a pin drop.

 

[Fino]

I can't say how some random dood is going to behave, but I can say that if he's like me, he will not unblock you.

 

[Cate]

I can't say how some random dood is going to behave, but I can say that if he's like me, he will not unblock you.

I fear you may be right. Since he explained things to me and blocked me, I don't feel he thinks he has anything further to do. He also didn't respond to my email apologizing and saying if he wants to reach out to call me. He generally knows I am a good soul, but in this case he may just wish to move forward.

It's likely he decided based on fear but I just wish to remain his friend.

Will time help? If i waited a month or more and reached out would that make things easier? I know so much more than I did a week ago.

 

[Tom]

We actually get quite a few folks like yourself, in near identical situations, where someone on the spectrum has ended a relationship with them.

I often think that what they hope to find is that because we are different 'no' somehow means 'yes' or 'maybe' with us. I think most would agree that it is not the case.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I am curious to know that although you don’t know how he will respond in future, can you come to a place of acceptance that he might not respond, you can move through this grief, because it is grief when someone suddenly blocks you.
It would have been nice for him to tell you he was on the spectrum, having said that, there are some people who do not like to disclose they are on the spectrum, I am happy to tell people I am on the spectrum, this way they know that, hopefully, when I exhibit autistic behaviour, there is a reason for it.

 

[Cate]

We actually get quite a few folks like yourself, in near identical situations, where someone on the spectrum has ended a relationship with them.

I often think that what they hope to find is that because we are different 'no' somehow means 'yes' or 'maybe' with us. I think most would agree that it is not the case.

I understand what you are saying. Yes, sometimes relationships don't work out with anyone . .. Asperger's or otherwise

All I meant was if I had more information, I would have handled the situation differently. No kisses or hand-holding. Also, the miscommunication by text and words contributed. I get that sometimes people don't want to be with the person they are dating, but it's sad because it's solely a miscommunication. We were getting along tremendously otherwise.

It eats me up knowing that he had Asperger's but chose not to tell me. I am sure he had his reasons but it put me at a disadvantage. I have been upset for days. Being blocked doesn't give me a chance to do anything.

Other than this one misunderstanding we had no issues I was aware of. We laughed all the time and talked calmly right up to the last day. Then I was dumped by text in the morning. Later he had a meltdown on the phone and the offer for friendship also went out the door. I am sadder than ever. He was the most creative, kindest individual i have ever met.

 

[Cate]

I am curious to know that although you don’t know how he will respond in future, can you come to a place of acceptance that he might not respond, you can move through this grief, because it is grief when someone suddenly blocks you.
It would have been nice for him to tell you he was on the spectrum, having said that, there are some people who do not like to disclose they are on the spectrum, I am happy to tell people I am on the spectrum, this way they know that, hopefully, when I exhibit autistic behaviour, there is a reason for it.

Thank you for the response. I am still processing that this happened. All I can do is hope at this point. Being a person with an anxious attachment style, and a fear of abandonment, it always takes me longer to get over someone.

I understand I will have to go through the steps eventually. At this point, my brain doesn't seem to be ready to do so. Am going away on Friday for a few days. Will hopefully get some perspective then.

 

[Fino]

I fear you may be right. Since he explained things to me and blocked me, I don't feel he thinks he has anything further to do. He also didn't respond to my email apologizing and saying if he wants to reach out to call me. He generally knows I am a good soul, but in this case he may just wish to move forward.

It's likely he decided based on fear but I just wish to remain his friend.

Will time help? If i waited a month or more and reached out would that make things easier? I know so much more than I did a week ago.

If you were close, waiting a month could certainly help, but in my personal opinion, within a month he will have forgotten about you.

 

[Cate]

If you were close, waiting a month could certainly help, but in my personal opinion, within a month he will have forgotten about you.

You're right. I am moving on. He knows how/where to reach me!