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BF (suspected aspie) comes across as critical

sisselcakes

sisselcakes

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I hope for some advice. I had gotten some good advice when I had written a post several months ago.

I have been dating a guy whom I suspect is on the spectrum. He is wonderful in many ways. Sometimes his quirks and obsessions get in the way but usually I understand where he's coming from and they don't bother me too much.

He is obsessed with food and exercise. He considers himself an expert on the subjects even though some of his beliefs are illogical and there is evidence to the contrary. Therefore I cannot always use science as a retort to his rigid beliefs.

He is not naturally complementary of my physical appearance though he does occasionally complement me.

Most recently he pointed out that I have fat rolls. He also monitors how often I go to the gym and gets angry that I'm being unhealthy by his standards. The only solution I can come up with is to become explicitly clear about the fact I do not want to hear any more comments about diet and exercise

I'm looking for advice, thoughts, feedback, etc.

By the way, I felt as though this is significant enough of a problem that I would bring up possible ASD. He was not offended but he said he didn't think he has significant qualities, yet he shortly thereafter asked me again what the symptoms are. I chose not to take that role because he's a smart guy and if he's interested he can research on his own I wanted to plant the seed because of how it affects our relationship and I know he has lost jobs and had interpersonal conflict due to his rigid opinions and tendency to get easily agitated when he thinks he's right

Thanks.
 
sisselcakes said:
By the way, I felt as though this is significant enough of a problem that I would bring up possible ASD. He was not offended but he said he didn't think he has significant qualities, yet he shortly thereafter asked me again what the symptoms are. I chose not to take that role because he's a smart guy and if he's interested he can research on his own I wanted to plant the seed because of how it affects our relationship and I know he has lost jobs and had interpersonal conflict due to his rigid opinions and tendency to get easily agitated when he thinks he's right

Thanks.
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I think you have a bigger problem than just determining whether or not he's on the spectrum. I've known a few Neurotypicals like this who are fanatics on health and are quite insistent of everyone within their orbit to comply with their sense of fitness. One became a close friend for a long time...but the whole health thing would occasionally drive me nuts. Luckily she eventually met a PE teacher and it was love at zero fat grams.

Even if he was on the spectrum and did become self-aware, I wouldn't anticipate it necessarily mitigating his special interest that compels him to tell one too many people to shape up or ship out.
 
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Love at zero fat grams. Lol. Good one.

Thanks for your feedback. You are right about fanatics. He tends to be one about many issues, including political stuff.

Well, I just realized I'm still pretty furious about the fat rolls comment and told him so. I just told him that he needs to decide for himself whether or not he can cope with my lifestyle. And I made it clear I'm not tolerating snide or critical comments. He actually compared eating carbs to abusing painkillers. It's so ludicrous it's funny.

Thanks again. Thank goodness I have appointment with my therapist this week. :)
 
sisselcakes said:
Love at zero fat grams. Lol. Good one.

Thanks for your feedback. You are right about fanatics. He tends to be one about many issues, including political stuff.

Well, I just realized I'm still pretty furious about the fat rolls comment and told him so. I just told him that he needs to decide for himself whether or not he can cope with my lifestyle. And I made it clear I'm not tolerating snide or critical comments. He actually compared eating carbs to abusing painkillers. It's so ludicrous it's funny.

Thanks again. Thank goodness I have appointment with my therapist this week. :)
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Ouch. Yes, that sounds exactly what I was afraid of. It just becomes oppressive to hear people rag on you about such things when we already have a consumer society geared only to perfection and beauty for profit. Enough is enough. It's ok to have such knowledge...but insisting that everyone else comply accordingly is too much.
 
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I'm realizing one can't overlook bad behavior because of a diagnosis. Can't explain it away. I think I've done that to an extent. We are all responsible for our actions and need to accept that. Can't tolerate being mistreated.
 
sisselcakes said:
I'm realizing one can't overlook bad behavior because of a diagnosis. Can't explain it away. I think I've done that to an extent. We are all responsible for our actions and need to accept that. Can't tolerate being mistreated.
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Indeed. If you dig into our website you're likely to find those threads that focus on that dynamic. We have our faults...but some things are not acceptable no matter what one's neurological profile may entail.
 
sisselcakes said:
I'm realizing one can't overlook bad behavior because of a diagnosis. Can't explain it away. I think I've done that to an extent. We are all responsible for our actions and need to accept that. Can't tolerate being mistreated.
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This is exactly what I was going to say. I'm bad at dealing with people so don't really have advise, but I wanted to say that being on the spectrum is not an excuse for bad behaviour. Don't put up with this, his attitude in not healthy, and hurtful comments towards you are not acceptable.
 
If he doesn't love you just the way you are, then it is conditional love he is offering, which isn't fair! He's basically saying, "I will love you only if you conform to my standards," which of course isn't love at all, but control.
 
Thank all of you for your input. Garnetflower said it simply and truthfully about my bf loving me only if I live up to his standards. And the root of someone's bad behavior is not important (e.g. whether on ASD or not). If they can't or aren't willing to stop it, then we reach an impasse. I have too much self-respect to tolerate that.

I ended up breaking up with him last night after he said something along the same lines as my initial post, something to do with my physique. I just sat there flabbergasted and then my logic kicked in and I realized that he doesn't get it in any shape or form. I had already made a "rule" that he isn't allowed to say anything negative about my physique and there he goes again. He said he couldn't believe if I love him so much I would break up with him so easily. He is clueless.

What I found through talking to him in more detail afterwards is that he believes he is expressing his "feelings". He sees telling me about his preferences and concerns (e.g. my fat rolls) as sharing his feelings. He does not like the fact I'm on anti-depressants for example (against big Pharma) and dislikes my drinking diet soda. Basically he is a fanatic when it comes to health. So, in his mind, telling me these things are just sharing his feelings.

Coincidentally I had sent him an article I found about a wife who discovered her husband had Asperger's. It was very similar to him. He has always described himself as having a temper, probably unaware they are "meltdowns" that are triggered by certain things.

At the end of our convo last night he said, "So you're saying I have Asperger's?" I said, "I don't know if you have it or not, but I see this trait," referring to the communication and lack of empathy.

I'm not sure where to go from here. I know he will contact me. I don't know if were to read more material on ASD and accepted he shared some traits he would gain any insight. I don't know if that happens to people. I guess I'll just play things by ear. Don't feel too hopeful though.
 
You have definitely done a good thing for yourself, by not putting yourself in the path of more derogatory remarks. I had an ex like that, and I of course ended up leaving him. Love should never involve lowering or demeaning yourself for anyone, nor allowing them to do the same to you. The early days after a break-up are the hardest, but I would suggest making yourself unavailable or only for a brief phone call if that. Everyone deserves healthy love! Even if he agrees that he has Aspergers, he is a long way from being ready to share in a healthy relationship. He has to develop insight into the hurtful things he does, and then decide if he thinks it is important enough to work on. It's not fair to you to have to wait around for him to evolve.
 
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