Bf on spectrum has really bad depression

[Heather752]

Hi all,
I'm not on the spectrum, but my boyfriend is. Recently, his depression has skyrocketed and his anorexia has gotten worse. He'll go hours upon hours without texting me back or answering my calls and he started self-harming again. Today he realized that his depression isn't just harming him (he was MIA when I was have a PTSD episode and needed his help), but he doesn't know what to do. I told him he should talk to his therapist about strategies and consider taking his anti-depressants again (he stopped because he felt they made him numb). In response to that he just said he needed to evaluate his priorities. Which I agree with--he does a million things and I hardly get to see him--but I'm afraid I'm not one of them. Regardless of if he says I am, I'm worried about him. He isn't taking steps to help himself. And I get it, I have depression too. When I was in my lowest point, getting me out was only something I could do and it took a lot of self-discovery for that to happen. He's so focused on "being successful" he isn't slowing down to take the time to take care of himself. He doesn't see self-care as productive, but I feel that if he doesn't slow down he's going to burn out or worse.
I'm just constantly worried about him and staring at my phone waiting for him to text. I try to give him space because I realize he needs it sometimes, but I also don't want to just NOT talk to my boyfriend...
Any advice you can give me I would appreciate. I don't know if this is attributable to his being on the spectrum or not--he does not want to acknowledge that he is and I only found out on accident (though I had a hunch). And please let me know if I'm being insensitive with my language in any way.

 

[SunnyDay16]

You can't make someone help themselves if they aren't willing too. As someone who has dealt with bad depression, I know how hard it is to motivate yourself to get help, because the depression makes you feel utterly out of control and helpless. While there are no cures for depression, there are treatment options available that can help him manage it to levels where he can function, but he has it has to take the first step.

I'm not only talking about professional help, since not everyone can afford that, but there are ways to help the depression be manageable whether that would be through consistent exercise, changing diet, finding distractions, getting proper amount of sleep, taking medication, and forcing himself to be "doing" something.

Remember, you're not responsible for his depression, as it's a mental illness out of your hands. All you can do is be there for him, within reason. Keep encouraging him and giving suggestions. You may have to set limits if you feel drained or exhausted, because depression is known to do that not just to the person who has it, but to the people around them. Of course, if you feel he is going to hurt himself, call 911.

At the end of the day, he has an illness that he needs to acknowledge and treat so that he can get better, just like any other illness. It might take him a while though, which is fine, but you shouldn't have to worry too much about it.

 

[Mattymatt]

You're in an appreciably difficult position, @Heather752. I really cannot give you good advice on this one. How are you feeling? Do you want to end the relationship? If you do, I don't blame you. I've had to learn the painful lesson that I must love myself before I can love someone else. It sounds like he has a lot of work to do.

 

[TheFreeCat]

You said, "He isn't taking steps to help himself." You don't know this. People who are ASD have very personal and inexplicable ways they need to take care of themselves.

Some are very sensitive and what may be easy for NT's (taking antidepressants) may be catastrophic to an Aspie if it interferes with his ability to think and use his mind.

It's a whole different world, not just a world like yours that needs a little tweaking.

The NT mandates for "getting help" often have absolutely no resonance with Aspies. They MIGHT in some Aspies, but in others, it's a long, lonely road figuring out their own neurology and what it needs to stay safe and relatively sane.

 

[Mary Lyn]

Heather I agree with Matt and wonder if you should consider ending the relationship as he does not sound really 'into' you and you deserve someone who is giving as much as you are.

He might just be trying to find excuses as to why he is not contacting you more and might even be feeling down about trying to find a way out without seeming too much of a creep when you are such a caring lovely person.

But anyway, life is too short to waste time on people who do not see our worth. You say you are depressed yet it does not interfere with the way you are with him.

 

[Fino]

If the medication made him numb, he should just switch to a different one! There are so many!

 

[Heather752]

I finally got to talk to him last night and he kept saying how he needs to evaluate his priorities and what's important to him because what he's doing now won't make him successful and that I keep making excuses for him when he sleeps in a little or doesn't get some work done. (I tell him that its okay, people make mistakes, its not the end of the world, etc.) I asked if he was going to break up with me and he said he doesn't want to, but wouldn't give me a concrete answer, which was the opposite of reassuring. He said he would consider taking meds again and I told him that he should try a different one than the one he was using because I've used the one he was on before and I hated it. I told him I miss him and he said he misses me too, but he also wouldn't commit to hanging out with me this weekend. I'm at a loss.

I don't want to not be with him. I love him more than anything and we've been together for a year now.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I finally got to talk to him last night and he kept saying how he needs to evaluate his priorities and what's important to him because what he's doing now won't make him successful and that I keep making excuses for him when he sleeps in a little or doesn't get some work done. (I tell him that its okay, people make mistakes, its not the end of the world, etc.) I asked if he was going to break up with me and he said he doesn't want to, but wouldn't give me a concrete answer, which was the opposite of reassuring. He said he would consider taking meds again and I told him that he should try a different one than the one he was using because I've used the one he was on before and I hated it. I told him I miss him and he said he misses me too, but he also wouldn't commit to hanging out with me this weekend. I'm at a loss.

I don't want to not be with him. I love him more than anything and we've been together for a year now.

As others have suggeted, it may be best for you to break up with him, at least until he can get his illnesses under control. He's not taking his health and wellbeing into consideration it seems. How can he be a loving partner to you if he is not loving himself.

That doesn't mean you can't be friends with him and keep in touch with him, but it's not fair for you to be waiting around not having any of your needs met if he isn't willing to meet you halfway. It seems to me this relationship has become pretty one-sided, with you wanting his attention and him not being in a healthy state of mind to give it to you.

I am not saying you have to just abandon him, but I don't think he is emotionally healthy enough to be in a romantic relationship. You can still be his friend and give him support, but you deserve better. You deserve somebody who is willing to work through their issues with you and meet your needs.