Bestfriend/Roommate to someone with Aspies

[klkoffroth]

Hi, so I've been close friends with this girl since we were 5 years old, we grew up together in church and in school, even were neighbors. I've known about her Aspergers the whole time and kinda understood it but all through our adolescent years, she was on her medication and also in therapy. We both graduated 2 years ago and she married her boyfriend (they are so cute) of 2 years, a year after we graduated. She has always had trouble with friends as expected, I've really been the only one who has stuck around and continued trying. Oh, and about around the time we graduated she stopped taking her medicine, so she is more lively and I don't know... herself (as she says). Okay so anyways.. her husband is off doing things in the military, so I'm living with her while he's gone to keep her company. This is the first time I've ever even remotely moved out of my parents house and have lived with anyone else but my family. Knowing her all these years, I thought I was better at understanding her and her actions than most people so I thought I knew how to handle living with her. But lately I have just become so judgemental of her and am feeling terrible for it. She is extremely messy, doesn't know how to do basic house skills ( keep counters clean, throw things in trash, wash dishes, throw out expired items, take lent out of dryer, COOK, etc ) and I KNOW I should have expected this but she came from a very neat and clean family, literally their house was spotless so I guess that was what I was expecting. She also has a huge shopping problem, I think this might have something to do with her anxiety and not being able to just stay home and chill so she has to go out and do things, and her thing is shopping. She buys all these pointless and expensive things (I've seen her paychecks, she should not be spending this money) and it just DRIVES ME INSANE. I've been kinda trying to nicely and sneakily teach her how to wash dishes, take care of her home and manage money whenever it comes to groceries and things like that (I try to get her to buy groceries to cook at home because eating out is a HUGE waste of money.) She also constantly complains about not having money....... Anyways, about a month after she got married- she got pregnant and the baby miscarried, she took this very hard and can't understand why this happened and thinks she is infertile after one miscarriage- stressing herself out about it constantly bc everyone our age is having babies.
She continues to have baby fever while lately rethinking her marriage.

Okay.

This week she has been very distant- she locks herself in her room, sleeps a lot, barely talks and just stays home (surprising). At first I thought she was mad at me because I said something snappy to her the other night but she said it was just because she was missing her husband and is tired... I dont know honestly.

Sorry, everything with her is just all over the place and I know most of this leads up to her conditions but I just really need advice with how to be her bestfriend, to be there for her, to live with her, and just how to help her through this time. I constantly suggest spontaneous trips downtown or to the beach to kinda keep things hyped up but now that school has started back, it's become difficult to even have time to eat- let alone hang out. I'm not sure what I can do.
Advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

[WereBear]

I gotta say I wonder how much of it IS her Asperger's? Only because half the girls I went to high school with seemed to marry young, were desperately lonely when their husband went into the service, blew off housekeeping, and spent waaaay too much money; all while being conflicted about marriage and children.

I'm just saying a lot of this is normal, though it sounds like your friend is taking it to extremes. It is something to be worried about, certainly. Perhaps, growing up in that very tidy house, she never was able to contribute because her ways of doing things weren't "right?" I remember volunteering to help someone fold laundry, only nothing I folded was "right" so I not only didn't do it, I sat there while my stuff was re-folded, and I was rather upset. Because I thought that such extreme fussiness was stupid

I know, after being gotten up at 3 AM to scrub the bathroom floor with toothbrushes by an abusive stepfather; I had anxiety issues about housework after that!

I'm just saying we often don't know what is truly motivating, or not motivating, people. The big thing here is: she is not happy. Perhaps marriage is not what she dreamed it would be, or she's fantasizing about children instead of being realistic. Certainly her housekeeping would not work with a baby.

It sounds like you both are at the age where we start to question some of what we have been told or raised with. It sounds like she is questioning that a lot. Perhaps encourage her talk about these issues, whether on a friend level with you or someone more professional.

People with typical neuro-processing get so little information about adulthood and much of that is confusing. Her therapy might have been aimed at making her seem more "normal" from what you have told us, which we now know can be less than helpful, even damaging. She might not have been able to work through all this at even the level commensurate with her age.

It sounds like she is truly seeking herself: but her future might not include marriage and children, at least not right now. If so, she needs to make those choices now: not keep on floundering in doomed attempts that will snare the innocent into problems, too.

 

[Elemental]

Welcome to our community klkoffroth

 

[Tom]

Hi & Welcome,
Its a admirable thing to be trying to help your friend. As you know it is not very easy. HFAs are just as complicated and have most the same range of emotions as NTs and then too have autism. It's hard to give concise advice in such a full blown situation. Breaking things down to smaller parts may be helpful. As an Aspie one of the more useful things was figuring out when my 'normal' self was in control and when the Aspie part was. When dealing with another person it's ok to be judgemental. It's natural and serves a purpose in many cases. But positive things result best when you never let them see it. Judgement, on the recieving end is very hard to take and will often sabotage the intended purpose. Plus, I have found that the majority of initial judgements I have made are erroneous and due to not understanding all the facets. So you can avoid misjudging by with holding judgement.

On simple things the goal is clear. Teach how to do dishes, etc. But in her interpersonal affairs I think it best to maintain a sort of professional distance/detachment. Be there to listen and perhaps provide suggestions related to obvious errors in thinking, but her life and choices are her own to make and the consequences her own to live with. There are many things one can not teach. The person has to make their mistakes and learn it on their own.

 

[Catlover614]

Hello and welcome. Like Tom said, it is admirable for you to be helping your friend, but don't neglect your own needs in the process. I hope you get some more advice to your situation.

 

[wyverary]

It sounds very much to me like these problems are less related to her autism than to whatever mood disorder she may have been medicated for - to me, sounds like CLASSIC bipolar disorder, what with her refusal to take her meds, compulsive behaviors, and her drastic changes in mood. There is no reason bipolar cannot be co-morbid with Asperger's.

Unfortunately, I can't say exactly what the solution is. Trying to gently encourage her to go back on her meds will likely be taken as a criticism. How do you help someone who's already been through something like a miscarriage, an absent husband, and doubting her decisions (especially her marriage)? All you can do is be there for her. Listen to her. Maybe set an example, both for the practical (i.e. household chores and staying organized and clean) and emotionally. You can't "fix" anybody, but having someone stable in her life is a good start.