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Best way to show an aspie guy you love him?

LucyPurrs

NT, INFJ
V.I.P Member
I have an "Aspie (undiagnosed)" friend whom I love deeply. Need advice on how to show or express this in a way that is meaningful to him?
 
We don't know anything about him, so we can't give you advice that is "meaning to him". I will say just be direct with him. Touch his arm(if he's okay with touch) and just tell him you want to be with him. Just find a way to directly tell him you want to be with him.
 
Well, I have told him in various but direct and specific ways that I love him and what qualities he has that I love but I don't know if he can feel my love.

Just be aware that we don't necessarily project our feelings or thoughts the way NTs are accustomed to. We may feel exactly what you really want to see or hear, but we just don't necessarily overtly show it.
 
Thanks Judge! He has actually said he loves me also and sent me a song which seems to indicate that. I can see in some of his behaviors that he does care a lot and I have been trying to show caring in a likewise manner- for example, he loves computer games. I play a bit but love it when he takes me along in his games to watch him play and I've told him that.
 
We don't know anything about him, so we can't give you advice that is "meaning to him".

This is exactly what I was going to say. Just because we're on the spectrum, doesn't mean any of us like the same things or that things have the same 'meaning' to them.

I'd also agree with @Judge in that maybe he just doesn't show things in the way that you would, or how you would expect him to.

EDIT:
Need advice on how to show or express this

Honestly? Just show or express it how you would with anyone else.
 
I got into soooooooooooo much trouble in one relationship for not saying "I love you" when she considered/insisted to be the right time and the right place. It eventually precipitated our ultimate breakup.

The saddest part was that I really did love her at the time.
 
I got into soooooooooooo much trouble in one relationship for not saying "I love you" when she considered/insisted to be the right time and the right place. It eventually precipitated our ultimate breakup.

The saddest part was that I really did love her at the time.
I got into soooooooooooo much trouble in one relationship for not saying "I love you" when she considered/insisted to be the right time and the right place. It eventually precipitated our ultimate breakup.

The saddest part was that I really did love her at the time.
That is sad! Well, my friend seems a bit more able to express feelings than many Aspies but he did tell me it was not easy for him. I feel incredibly lucky to have him as a friend and want him to feel both loved and accepted for the wonderful person he is.
 
So ask him how he would describe love.... because his definition is significantly different from yours.

Notice, I did not say "ask him how he feels love" - that would be an empathic question for which he probably has no answer and could send him into withdrawal.
 
Thanks Keigan and Sportster! I will ask him how he would describe love and then be prepared with cookies XD! Actually, I think he is unusually empathic- he certainly was to me when I was going through a cancer scare.
 
make sure that you truly understand what a relationship with an aspire is like, and then tell him you love him for who he is, that you love his strengths and accept his weaknesses, that you think he is worth it

not that much different from starting a normal relationship i guess
 
I am currently feeling emotions like love for a fellow Aspie.
Talking and finding we had interests in the same things even in our obsessions was the connection for us.
He was the first to show he accepted touch by giving me a big hug as he left to go home one day and we always hug every time we are together now.
We both derive a good sense of peace and caring from this.
 
Have you considered asking him what might make him feel loved?
Depending upon the individual, that might be a question that he could not answer and could cause him to withdraw or shutdown.

On one end of the pendulum swing is a person who could be Alexithymic and not able to articulate their feelings, on the other end of the pendulum swing is a person who is empathic and is able to articulate their feelings.

In my hypothesis;
Many aspies experience love and express love through actions, those actions of caring for someone and doing something that has a physical recognition such as resulting in a smile. In this case the aspie is mimicking actions that bring a smile to someone else and possibly categorizing that as love, the actions not coming from a warm fuzzy feeling towards another. I think this is why we see so many individuals just turn off their love for another, they simply decide to stop their actions because something in the pattern is disrupted.

Hence, start with the question of "how does he describe love" as that is an intellectual rationalization of love which most of us can accomplish - from there then explore "how does he recognize love" which could still be an intellectual rationalization - if in his expression he speaks "I think love....." then he is rationalizing, where as if he speaks "I feel love ......" then the conversation can evolve without the risk of significant shutdown.
 
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Continuing my hypothesis;

Asking an Alexi "how do you feel?" is a question they probably can't answer and that will frequently lead to overload and shutdown.

Asking an aspie "how do you feel?" Is a question that they potentially can't answer as we do have challenges understanding and expressing our emotions - so there is risk of overload and shutdown.

Asking an empathic "how do you feel?" Is potentially such a natural thing that they don't even have to think in order to express how they actually feel. Their feelings being the forefront of their expressions. This individual seeks emotional reciprocation from those around them as validation of their existence and expression, when they don't receive that emotional reciprocation they think something is wrong, or the person is angry, or eventually that the person is broken. On the extreme end they wait while sacrificing their core needs and hope things change, that is Casandra Syndrome.
 
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Continuing my hypothesis;

Asking an Alexi "how do you feel?" is a question they probably can't answer and that will frequently lead to overload and shutdown.

Asking an aspie "how do you feel?" Is a question that they potentially can't answer as we do have challenges understanding and expressing our emotions - so there is risk of overload and shutdown.

Asking an empathic "how do you feel?" Is potentially such a natural thing that they don't even have to think in order to express how they actually feel. Their feelings being the forefront of their expressions. This individual seeks emotional reciprocation from those around them as validation of their existence and expression, when they don't receive that emotional reciprocation they think something is wrong, or the person is angry, or eventually that the person is broken. On the extreme end they wait while sacrificing their core needs and hope things change, that is Casandra Syndrome.

Omg, I think I understand why such questions would frustrate my bf so much now... And I have the perfect solutions. Thanks so much, you're awesome for this!

I read about alexithymia, while reading about empathy, I was glad to have found something related to autism on that, and I wanted to talk about it with him but such talks frustrate him so much. And I could never reach to this conclusion.
 

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