• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Best Way to Provide Support (to a possible aspie friend who lives far away)?

LucyPurrs

LucyPurrs

NT, INFJ
V.I.P Member
My "aspie" friend is having a rough time right now. His cat is very ill, a family member who has dementia is declining, he's having difficulty finding a job (about to graduate from University in IT) and he's living at home with family when he wants to be out on his own. I'm trying to provide all the support I can but need some suggestions from those wiser than I as to what actions I can perform which will speak louder than words. It's hard when he lives thousands of miles away. He's also an INTJ so words don't mean so much as actions to him. Any help would be appreciated.
 
I’d ask your friend if there’s anything you can do to help him in these troubled times.
I know, it’s cliche, but oftentimes effective.
 
Send a personal gift through the post ?
Letting him know you're there and thinking about him?

Something relevant to the relationship you share.
Not generic, mass produced tatt.
Something as unique as your relationship and within its boundaries?

Have something made (or make it yourself)
A gift unlikely to be found anywhere else.
Perhaps there may be only you and your friend who know what the gift means?
Something personal to you both.
 
Gift ideas I like:

1. A card with art on the front and a poem you wrote inside, with personal meaning to the person it's for.
2. A music-box, and, even, better one where you pick a song with personal meaning to the person it's for, the box which is sold on etsy, at least.
3. A jar engraved with a lovely picture, which lights up when turned on, illuminating the picture.
4. Stuffed animal, possibly build-a-bear
5. Some odd little thing one wouldn't expect, like liquid motion products.

This is also just a list of things I've bought for my friends. :rolleyes:
 
LucyPurrs said:
My "aspie" friend is having a rough time right now. His cat is very ill, a family member who has dementia is declining, he's having difficulty finding a job (about to graduate from University in IT) and he's living at home with family when he wants to be out on his own. I'm trying to provide all the support I can but need some suggestions from those wiser than I as to what actions I can perform which will speak louder than words. It's hard when he lives thousands of miles away. He's also an INTJ so words don't mean so much as actions to him. Any help would be appreciated.
Click to expand...
what makes him laugh what makes him smile
 
I am one who goes with action over words too, but realistic enough to recognise that the most contact I have with ones, is online and that is how I like it and appreciate that they cannot just drop everything and come around physically.

You could try doing a bit of research and giving him links.

You can show support by action, just by keeping in touch and saying: I am here, every day.

Ask him would it easier if you chatted about his cat?

And, to follow on from Streetwise's comment about laughter. That is such a great antiodote.

I am sure that knowing he has a supportive online friend, is helping him enormously.
 
Bolletje said:
I’d ask your friend if there’s anything you can do to help him in these troubled times.
I know, it’s cliche, but oftentimes effective.
Click to expand...

Oh I have done that. He says there isn't anything I can do but he did say I'm the only one he talks to about the things that are bothering him and that he values my listening.
 
Gracey said:
Send a personal gift through the post ?
Letting him know you're there and thinking about him?

Something relevant to the relationship you share.
Not generic, mass produced tatt.
Something as unique as your relationship and within its boundaries?

Have something made (or make it yourself)
A gift unlikely to be found anywhere else.
Perhaps there may be only you and your friend who know what the gift means?
Something personal to you both.
Click to expand...

Thanks Gracey. Have done this for 3 years on a repeated basis. Made him two diamond paintings of Magic the Gathering art he couldn't get copies of otherwise. Also have sent other things tailored to his interests. He knows I care for sure.
 
Fino said:
Gift ideas I like:

1. A card with art on the front and a poem you wrote inside, with personal meaning to the person it's for.
2. A music-box, and, even, better one where you pick a song with personal meaning to the person it's for, the box which is sold on etsy, at least.
3. A jar engraved with a lovely picture, which lights up when turned on, illuminating the picture.
4. Stuffed animal, possibly build-a-bear
5. Some odd little thing one wouldn't expect, like liquid motion products.

This is also just a list of things I've bought for my friends. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Have sent him all sorts of very personally tailored gifts over the three years we've been talking. Haven't struck out yet but customs makes it very hard as they hold up packages for weeks sometimes months and then charge a huge duty (which I pay). He is always very appreciative and has said my gifts are awesome. Guess they must be ok because he describes showing them off to friends. He hates surprises but will let me send surprise gifts since they've all worked out. Fino you sound like an awesome gift giver who considers the person you're sending the gift to!
 
Suzanne said:
I am one who goes with action over words too, but realistic enough to recognise that the most contact I have with ones, is online and that is how I like it and appreciate that they cannot just drop everything and come around physically.

You could try doing a bit of research and giving him links.

You can show support by action, just by keeping in touch and saying: I am here, every day.

Ask him would it easier if you chatted about his cat?

And, to follow on from Streetwise's comment about laughter. That is such a great antiodote.

I am sure that knowing he has a supportive online friend, is helping him enormously.
Click to expand...

Thanks Suzanne, I hope you are right and that he feels support from me. I'm a bit reluctant to be in touch every day as I fear it will feel intrusive to a very private and somewhat withdrawn "aspie" who describes himself as "mostly silent in real life." I never know how much contact to make with him so I tend to give him a lot of space. Sometimes I am afraid he will think I don't want to talk but I've told him that I always want to talk, just don't want to be intrusive. It's hard to figure out how much contact to have- sometimes I suspect he has a hard time initiating conversation but is wanting some. Just feel confused about this. Sometimes I send him emails so he can either respond or not depending on how he feels. He rarely responds or reacts to them. But he is faithful about keeping contact.
 
Thanks to everyone for your input on this. Maybe he does feel support from me. I sure hope so. Recently he expressed feelings he rarely acknowledges.
 
Sounds like you are already doing everything you can and more. The thing is just to let him know you truly care and you're doing that. If you could fix things for him, I'm sure you would. It can get frustrating for those of us that sincerely want to make life easier on those we care about, so don't do yourself in through the process of helping. It's hard to relay to others just how much we do care, and find it hard to be satisfied and feel like there's got to be more we can do. There's not - you're a good friend and that's the best gift you can give.
 
Pats said:
Sounds like you are already doing everything you can and more. The thing is just to let him know you truly care and you're doing that. If you could fix things for him, I'm sure you would. It can get frustrating for those of us that sincerely want to make life easier on those we care about, so don't do yourself in through the process of helping. It's hard to relay to others just how much we do care, and find it hard to be satisfied and feel like there's got to be more we can do. There's not - you're a good friend and that's the best gift you can give.
Click to expand...

Thanks Pats! Your support is much appreciated and I'm glad it sounds like I have done what needs to be done. Sometimes I want to rescue those I love and it's hard to accept I can't. I think he knows I love him and he's said he loves me so we are there for each other. I just hate it when he hurts though.
 
Hi Lucy,

You seem such a good friend, and your friend is most fortunate to have your love and support.

I don't know if it would be something either of you might enjoy, but, I had a close friend in England, who was, also, autistic, and we shared interests in nature, architecture, sightseeing and photography, and we would take photos of various sights we thought the other would enjoy viewing, and exchanged them with one another, daily. It brought us a great deal of pleasure, and, I would often feel as though I'd been traveling in England. It connected us in a most pleasurable and profound way, and, often, seemed as though we were spending time in the presence of one another. To this day, I can say it was one of, if not the most pleasurable experiences of my lifetime.
 
Last edited:
Loren said:
Hi Lucy,

You seem such a good friend, and your friend is most fortunate to have your love and support.

I don't know if it would be something he, or you, might enjoy, but, I had a very close friend in England and we shared interests in sightseeing, nature, architecture and photography, and would exchange photographs, almost, daily. It made taking pictures that much more pleasurable for me, and I felt as though I had been traveling around various parts of England, simply viewing his photographs. It connected us in a most pleasurable and profound way, and, often, it was as though we were spending time in each other's presence. To this day, I can say it was one of, if not the most pleasurable experiences of my lifetime.
Click to expand...

Loren, what a creative and wonderful idea! I love travelling and he wants to travel so it might be a really good way to spend some time together. We tried to get him here for a visit but he was denied a tourist visa. So now I might go there but that's kind of uncertain as I have to get strong enough to make the trip. In the interim, maybe we could do what you suggest and see if he's game to try it. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. :)
 
LucyPurrs said:
Loren, what a creative and wonderful idea! I love travelling and he wants to travel so it might be a really good way to spend some time together. We tried to get him here for a visit but he was denied a tourist visa. So now I might go there but that's kind of uncertain as I have to get strong enough to make the trip. In the interim, maybe we could do what you suggest and see if he's game to try it. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. :)
Click to expand...
You're welcome, and I hope you find it an enjoyable experience! I, also, hope you become strong enough to make the trip to see him! Is it your hip that is still healing? I hope all goes well. :herb:
 
Loren said:
You're welcome, and I hope you find it an enjoyable experience! I, also, hope you become strong enough to make the trip to see him! Is it your hip that is still healing? I hope all goes well. :herb:
Click to expand...
My hips are healed but it's been a struggle getting back into shape after 2 years of being unable to exercise at my age. But I have a strong motivator- meeting my friend!! Thanks Loren for your kindness and concern.
 
LucyPurrs said:
My hips are healed but it's been a struggle getting back into shape after 2 years of being unable to exercise at my age. But I have a strong motivator- meeting my friend!! Thanks Loren for your kindness and concern.
Click to expand...
You're welcome, Lucy. I'm glad to hear that your hips have healed and wish you much success on your journey towards getting back into shape, and meeting your friend!
: )
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom