Being encouraged to have friends and failing to see the benefits anymore.

[Utini]

My husband is off to his D&D game tonight, big group of friends. Just thinking, having a lot of anxiety over this and obsessing. He has tried in the past to get me to play, I like the game but not playing with strangers. He offered for me to come tonight so it took off that mental bandage I had and left the wound all infected and irritated.

Before he left, he also brought up how he could run a game for me and the girl I work with. It was very cute/kind of him to mention but it made my stomach drop. He has mentioned to me before about how I can bring her over sometime, things like that. He just seems happy that I am getting along with somebody. My fault for talking about how great she is.

Problem, I like to keep my friends at work. This way it is scheduled. I hate being TRAPPED in conversation. I just can't help to feel all ****** again about not having friends. I just got comfortable a year ago telling myself that I don't need them, that it's okay. It's about what I want and my comfort when it comes to being social.


You don't have to read past here to give me a suggestion, wanted to keep this short but I also want to share how I feel inside when it comes to friendship in general. It is so frustrating weighing out the positives and negatives constantly.

In my mind, friendship is there in case you lose the person that you are connected with the most or if you need support. Friendship is also having other people around me so that my husband and family are happy for me or feel more comfortable knowing that I have people. I suppose it gives the illusion that I am a normal person and that probably makes them most happy. Seems though, nobody understands or truly cares about what makes me happy or comfortable. I can't find anybody in my life that really understands this, at least not as much as I would like them to.

I almost want to just start hanging out with her. I'm trying to figure out if I would be more sad having friends or not. She has invited me to breakfast a couple times after the night shift. I would be uncomfortable, sitting across her, awkward silence, chewing, mumbling to the waitress about what I want to eat as she struggles to hear me, feeling trapped. I like having her at work and being silly with her, outside would be completely different. In the past I drank a lot and I know more now it was so that I could talk to people. Doesn't help hearing from others that I am an awesome drunk. I really don't want to start drinking again.

I feel worthless and misunderstood. Should I be what they want me to be or remain in my comfortable corner? Perhaps I would be sad either way.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Life is too short to spend being miserable if you can spend it being happy or at least content and comfortable. Do what makes you feel good.

 

[Utini]

Exactly, that is my goal. It makes me happy and content to see my husband happy that I have friends. Not having friends also makes me happy. This is where a good portion of the frustration sits. He also knows I am comfortable without friends but it still seems to be unsettling for him and others.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Exactly, that is my goal. It makes me happy and content to see my husband happy that I have friends. Not having friends also makes me happy. This is where the frustration sits. He also knows I am comfortable without friends but it still seems to be unsettling for him and others.

Have you told him just that? Maybe that's what you need to share with him- that you are feeling torn between wanting him to be happy and wanting yourself to be happy on this issue.

 

[Utini]

Yes lol. I suppose he may need a reminder or maybe I need to explain it better.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Just a thought, maybe you could tell him you are finding friends here on this forum? People you can talk to and find it easier than meeting in person, if that's true?

 

[Utini]

That's a good idear. Helped me think, maybe I could find a guild in this game I play and do voice chat and what not.

 

[Jane Smith]

I would focus on what makes YOU happy. Do YOU want friends? If not, then don't do it.

Your husband's happiness is important, but you can't take care of him. You can only take care of yourself. If it bothers him that you don't have friends, then that is a problem he has to figure!

But you can't change who you are for him. That's not all that healthy!

I agree with what LucyPurrs is saying. Maybe give sit down and have another talk with him? That's the most you can do.

 

[WereBear]

Online friends are friends too! And this is interaction on an easy level.

 

[Progster]

Social interaction is supposed to be fun, not forced. Socialise if you want to, have energy and feel like it, doing it for others is not a good reason and will only make you feel unhappy. It does sound like your husband is really trying hard to make you happy, but assumes that what works for him and most people is going to work for you, too, but that isn't the case.

If you do want to socialise with your friend and enjoy her company but not just talking, I would organise an activity to do with her, rather than something like breakfast where you just sit talk.

 

[Misery]

Simple, in my eyes: Find friends who understand the bit about being "trapped". They dont have to be someone that has experienced it, just someone that isnt going to flip out about you feeling that way.

That's what I've done. People I know, they all know about my autism and the effects it has. They know that I"m sometimes not going to be social, and they know that I may change plans just.... because. And that I may not stay long when I'm over, depending on whatever. That I may outright wander off in some cases.

And.... that works, really.

But, it's more than that: something to keep in mind is that there are many WAYS to socialize.

Dont like feeling trapped? Dont go to restaurants, for instance. I dont. EVER. It doesnt matter what the event is: I'm not going to the bloody restaurant. It takes forever. When I COULD prepare a meal in about 3 minutes and eat in my room. Instead, stuck to a crowded place for AT LEAST 45 minutes, most of which is waiting? Yeah, no. It aint happening. I dont care how "social" it is. If someone wants to talk to me, they can find a less idiotic way of doing it. As for drinking? I dont. Ever. I dont care that others do it... that's their problem, not mine. Who says I have to?

There ARE different ways to do things than just what you see in "normal" society, and that can be important to know for someone on the spectrum.

But moreso.... remember that it's best to be yourself. Trying to be what others want you to be, JUST to make friends, is likely to actually get you alot of FAKE friends, which is something you can probably observe with others if you watch and pay attention over time.

Real friends will care about the REAL you, not the fake, pretending-to-be-something version. And I think it's best to go after real friends, yeah? That's why I dont drink or try to pretend that I like parties or something (I dont, I refuse to go, every time). Because I figure, if these people cant accept that... what kind of friends are they? Not very good ones.

 

[Utini]

Simple, in my eyes: Find friends who understand the bit about being "trapped". They dont have to be someone that has experienced it, just someone that isnt going to flip out about you feeling that way.

That's what I've done. People I know, they all know about my autism and the effects it has. They know that I"m sometimes not going to be social, and they know that I may change plans just.... because. And that I may not stay long when I'm over, depending on whatever. That I may outright wander off in some cases.

And.... that works, really.

But, it's more than that: something to keep in mind is that there are many WAYS to socialize.

Dont like feeling trapped? Dont go to restaurants, for instance. I dont. EVER. It doesnt matter what the event is: I'm not going to the bloody restaurant. It takes forever. When I COULD prepare a meal in about 3 minutes and eat in my room. Instead, stuck to a crowded place for AT LEAST 45 minutes, most of which is waiting? Yeah, no. It aint happening. I dont care how "social" it is. If someone wants to talk to me, they can find a less idiotic way of doing it. As for drinking? I dont. Ever. I dont care that others do it... that's their problem, not mine. Who says I have to?

There ARE different ways to do things than just what you see in "normal" society, and that can be important to know for someone on the spectrum.

But moreso.... remember that it's best to be yourself. Trying to be what others want you to be, JUST to make friends, is likely to actually get you alot of FAKE friends, which is something you can probably observe with others if you watch and pay attention over time.

Real friends will care about the REAL you, not the fake, pretending-to-be-something version. And I think it's best to go after real friends, yeah? That's why I dont drink or try to pretend that I like parties or something (I dont, I refuse to go, every time). Because I figure, if these people cant accept that... what kind of friends are they? Not very good ones.

We shall see how my co worker reacts when I tell her about my autism.

 

[granolaturtle]

My husband is off to his D&D game tonight, big group of friends. Just thinking, having a lot of anxiety over this and obsessing. He has tried in the past to get me to play, I like the game but not playing with strangers. He offered for me to come tonight so it took off that mental bandage I had and left the wound all infected and irritated.

Before he left, he also brought up how he could run a game for me and the girl I work with. It was very cute/kind of him to mention but it made my stomach drop. He has mentioned to me before about how I can bring her over sometime, things like that. He just seems happy that I am getting along with somebody. My fault for talking about how great she is.

Problem, I like to keep my friends at work. This way it is scheduled. I hate being TRAPPED in conversation. I just can't help to feel all ****** again about not having friends. I just got comfortable a year ago telling myself that I don't need them, that it's okay. It's about what I want and my comfort when it comes to being social.


You don't have to read past here to give me a suggestion, wanted to keep this short but I also want to share how I feel inside when it comes to friendship in general. It is so frustrating weighing out the positives and negatives constantly.

In my mind, friendship is there in case you lose the person that you are connected with the most or if you need support. Friendship is also having other people around me so that my husband and family are happy for me or feel more comfortable knowing that I have people. I suppose it gives the illusion that I am a normal person and that probably makes them most happy. Seems though, nobody understands or truly cares about what makes me happy or comfortable. I can't find anybody in my life that really understands this, at least not as much as I would like them to.

I almost want to just start hanging out with her. I'm trying to figure out if I would be more sad having friends or not. She has invited me to breakfast a couple times after the night shift. I would be uncomfortable, sitting across her, awkward silence, chewing, mumbling to the waitress about what I want to eat as she struggles to hear me, feeling trapped. I like having her at work and being silly with her, outside would be completely different. In the past I drank a lot and I know more now it was so that I could talk to people. Doesn't help hearing from others that I am an awesome drunk. I really don't want to start drinking again.

I feel worthless and misunderstood. Should I be what they want me to be or remain in my comfortable corner? Perhaps I would be sad either way.

"Nobody understands or truly cares about what makes me happy" I know from personal experience what it's like to think that way but you have to understand that it isn't true. Practicing gratitude and acknowledging the positives in ones life really helps. And I know it isn't easy.

Your husband sees that you like the game and wants to get you involved. He's involving a friend you like at work because DnD is rarely played one on one between a dungeon master and a player. It's very unlikely he's doing this because he wants to stress you out or make you miserable.

If you're starting to feel bad about not having friends, consider if you really don't want them. It can become clearer now that you have an opportunity to make a friend. And above all, whether you reach a positive or negative conclusion about wanting friends, communicate this clearly to your husband. I recommend writing your statement down first, if you're concerned about losing your point in the conversation like I do sometimes.

And you really don't know if you'll appear awkward or weird to her or if you'll have a horrible time. Our brains can tend to favor the negative predictions of events, as a defense mechanism, but that doesn't mean that it's an objective truth. She's showing up because she likes you. There's no need for performance.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I don't think there's anything wrong with not having friends as long as you're happy with it. Society drills this idea into our head that we're supposed to want friends and if you don't want friends there must be an issue with you. Humans are social by nature but you can socialize without having a bunch of friends. I really only have a few friends and I prefer it that way because less friends is less drama.

 

[Utini]

And you really don't know if you'll appear awkward or weird to her or if you'll have a horrible time. Our brains can tend to favor the negative predictions of events, as a defense mechanism, but that doesn't mean that it's an objective truth. She's showing up because she likes you. There's no need for performance.

I get stuck on worrying about performance quite a bit. I can never be a host at my own place because I feel it is my duty to entertain them the entire time, stressful and exhausting. I'll try my best to remind myself that that is not my job. If I do have anybody over that is. I don't even have my brother over.

Thank you all Very good replies, was just reading them again.