Behavior that is both normal and not normal?

[Myrtonos]

Behavior that neurotypicals exhibit is said to be normal and behavior of autistic people that intimidates them is said to be unusual or not normal.
But apparently just because neurotypicals exhibit a behavior doesn't mean they tolerate it from an autistic person. When people have done that to me, it feels like the behavior is both normal and not normal.
It's hard for me to think of an example.

 

[Thinx]

Could it be that you think you do the behaviour the same as them, but to their eyes, you don't? Sometimes that's probably true.

 

[Progster]

Or perhaps people don't have the self-awareness to realise that the very behaviour they find unusual in others, they do themselves.

 

[Au Naturel]

Sometimes a behavior's acceptability is dependent on the status of the person. If a cool person does something it is cool but if an uncool person does something then it isn't cool anymore. The rules do not apply equally to all and a typical NT will know this and I might not. One of those things you have to figure out.

 

[Nervous Rex]

It took me a long time to learn that a lot of behavior depends on context and relationships.

Jokes are appropriate in some contexts and not in others. The appropriateness of a joke depends on the audience, the seriousness or levity of the situation, the mood of the listener, and many more factors.

Insults among good friends is okay (if it's that type of relationship). Insults among non-friends are insults.

Certain phrases that make a small group of people laugh may be inside jokes. Using those phrases yourself will not work unless you're already "on the inside".

There are many more cases.

 

[Aspychata]

NT behavior among their peers is not seen as unusual because of acceptance of most social norms that they present with.

ND definitely don't present with this and instead, we probably appear just a tab unusual or even geeky. Therefore we aren't like round pegs that fit into the round holes. Around other NDs, we seem perfectly normal.

 

[WildCat]

Answering the title of the thread as is, without using "neurotypical" or "ASD" or any variants of either, TikTok is the first thing that comes to my mind. I could say the same of other social media too, just that TikTok was the first thing I thought of.

 

[Myrtonos]

@Thinx & @Au Naturel - So apparently there may be hidden differences between the behaviour the normal person does and the behaviour the person who isn't normal does.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

In my own personal life, I just do things that feel natural to me and try not act like what non-Aspies consider to be “normal” because it’s not normal for me and I don’t always do well trying to act exactly how people expect me to act. At some point it will become too much for me and I just snap. As long as I’m not hurting anyone, I don’t see any harm in being a bit different. What is normal for me is different than most people and that should be okay.

 

[Suzette]

@Thinx & @Au Naturel - So apparently there may be hidden differences between the behaviour the normal person does and the behaviour the person who isn't normal does.

"Normal" for humans is actually almost anything. Trying to seperate humans into "normal" and "not normal" does not help you because you are turning yourself into an "other".
You are not "not normal". But your behavior might not be common.

I have traveled in a few different countries and everwhere I go I find people act differently than I am used to at home. People from other countries aren't "not normal", they are just different. That might be you too. Think of yourself as a traveler from a different country. Your behaviors are common to others, just not where you are right now. You are normal.

 

[Thinx]

@Thinx & @Au Naturel - So apparently there may be hidden differences between the behaviour the normal person does and the behaviour the person who isn't normal does.

Well in the context of NTs and NDs that you gave, I think that would work both ways. Although I see some differences I also sometimes feel mystified as to what's different in my communication in certain social situations, and one theory I have is that in relation to what the NTs are doing, something is absent from my repertoire or neural capacities.

Equally I posit that this works both ways, with NTs having absences or deficits compared to me, of which they are unaware. But they are the majority, and so their ways are more common and therefore considered normal, where mine are less common and marginalised.

It's hard to be aware of an absence. In the end I theorised absences to explain my experience, a bit like theorising black holes I guess. People in majority groups are less likely to do that, as they experience the norm.

 

[Au Naturel]

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@Thinx & @Au Naturel - So apparently there may be hidden differences between the behaviour the normal person does and the behaviour the person who isn't normal does.

Not sure "hidden" is the word. To the extent that hidden can imply a kept secret, nothing is hidden.

I suppose you could say that close-up details are "hidden" from a person with presbyopia while perfectly clear to the person with myopia. (Or a good pair of bifocals.) But that's not the feeling that "hidden" brings up in my mind.

Rather, I consider it a matter of perception. They are "differences" that are obvious to one party that the other party is either unaware of or unable to decipher.

And remember that "normal" is merely a mathematical abstraction referring to the fat part of the bell curve, not a prescription for how everyone ought to be. There is also what is "normal" for you as an individual.

 

[SDRSpark]

In addition to what others have said about us not realizing that context is different etc (something that I know darn well trips me up all the time) I really think some people exhibit/encourage bad behavior on purpose so that they can then turn around and say you're the bad guy. It's a long con for some people.

 

[watersprite]

@SDRSpark That behaviour is on the border it seems, between provoking and manipulation. I grew up in a household trying to figure out whether to trust those types of people or hide from them.

Eventually I decided I disagreed with their behaviours: their rigidly hierarchical insistence that behaviours of mine are subject to measurement with their yardstick, from their perspective.

 

[Au Naturel]

In addition to what others have said about us not realizing that context is different etc (something that I know darn well trips me up all the time) I really think some people exhibit/encourage bad behavior on purpose so that they can then turn around and say you're the bad guy. It's a long con for some people.

Very sad but true.

An autistic person can also be used by some people as entertainment. Good people don't do this but some people might consider me to be their own private edition of Sheldon Cooper. My "normal" is their stand-up comedy. We don't always have the ability to distinguish between laughing with us or laughing at us, so paranoia strikes deep.

I don't have a guaranteed way to resolve this problem. The best way to deal with this is to seek out good people and avoid bad people but as aspies, this isn't always clear. So instead of changing the world, I have to change how I relate to it.

Don't take it personally, even if the other person intends it personally. No more than I take it personally if there's a cold, rainy day when I was hoping for warm sunshine. Taking it personally gives them power over you. They have the problem, not me. Don't wait for proof, don't try to test them. As soon as I suspect I'm being played a fool, I just walk away and do not associate with them anymore.

 

[Myrtonos]

When I get told off for something, I feel like it is not normal, and when told off for something other people do with impunity, it feels both normal and not normal.
Sometimes when I point out others do the same thing with impunity, someone might say something nasty like "I'm not talking about anyone else, just you."

@Progster Imagine if a teacher who tried to make you do country dancing didn't try to make anyone else do the same, even if no one else or at least none of the neurotypicals were doing it.
This is an example of the sort of thing I mean.

 

[Jordy]

No more than I take it personally if there's a cold, rainy day when I was hoping for warm sunshine.

I will remember that one.

 

[Progster]

When I get told off for something, I feel like it is not normal, and when told off for something other people do with impunity, it feels both normal and not normal.
Sometimes when I point out others do the same thing with impunity, someone might say something nasty like "I'm not talking about anyone else, just you."

@Progster Imagine if a teacher who tried to make you do country dancing didn't try to make anyone else do the same, even if no one else or at least none of the neurotypicals were doing it.
This is an example of the sort of thing I mean.

If you get told off or punished for something others can do with impunity, then it's discriminatory and unfair. Unfortunately, a lot of this goes on in the world, so yes, normal - but not normal.

A lot of it is to do with power/controlling, it's arbitrary and has no logical justification. I'm bigger, more powerful than you, so I can do what I want. I can make the rules. That kind of thing.

 

[Myrtonos]

If you get told off or punished for something others can do with impunity, then it's discriminatory and unfair.

Has anyone here ever thought about why being told off or penalised for something seems less fair if other do the same thing with impunity then of no one else is doing it or other who are doing it are also told off or penalised?

 

[Myrtonos]

Those on the spectrum often do what feels logical, not necessarily what others are doing. Even when what feels logical to them happens to be what everyone else is doing, and with impunity, the autistic person doing it may still be bothered about it as if no one else were doing it.