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Been feeling run-down about my Estranged Biological Mother, How to cope? (Venting... Again)

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by aspieman2396, Jan 12, 2018 at 6:07 PM.

  1. aspieman2396

    aspieman2396 Active Member

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    (This might be a long read)

    Well, I don't know where to begin, I guess I will start at the part when she found out about my diagnosis when I was 4, she said something along the lines that she didn't want a "retarded child" and she talked badly about my Dad every time I was over at her place and she tried to make his life a living hell during the divorce proceedings. I used to think she was a nice person, she let me do whatever I want and she got me whatever I wanted. But when I was looking for affection from her, she would cruelly turn me away. I remember one time all I wanted to do was spend time with her and I made a mistake and she sent me back to my dad's house. Also there was a time that we were in a Taxi and I was being my usual self and she asked the driver to go to my house and she forcibly removed me from the cab, I remember feeling angry and sad at that. It's not to say that she was all bad, she showed affection to me and be involved, but oh well

    There were also times I would tell her things and she would turn around and tell them to other people. She would violate my trust right after she told me that I could trust her. she sold me out and snitched on me several times. I told her about someone who was connected to her who was bullying me in middle school and she told my Dad in a fit of rage, and he got mad at me, that was one instance.

    All that anger pent up inside me made me go wild and we sparred over that on a vacation in 08, then a couple of months later she left for Houston and left me behind, this was very arbitrary and hit me from out of nowhere. Now this was right before I entered a very bad Middle School. I had to deal with wannabe gangsters and mean kids, I couldn't count on her for escape anymore, that was the beginning of the deterioration of our relationship. She did return months later but I wasn't interested in what she had to say, I began to feel embarrassed at her.

    And after years, we saw each other several times, one time I stayed with her for 3 weeks in another state during Summer of 2013, As much as I hate to admit, those 3 weeks were the best and iconic of my life because I got to relax from a stressful school year and understand her and we kind of reached a common ground but still not enough to supplement a recovery for our relationship.

    We were good until a year later, I wanted to see her and my Dad wasn't really fond of the idea then he later changed his tune, then I called her to come and get me and she refused and basically insulted ME and my dad.


    We kept contact on and off and she helped me out sometimes although she was out of the picture sometimes but I knew that it was all going to come to a halt . It all came to a tipping point last May when she called me all upset because she feels like she was entitled to a phone call from ME every week and also that the debt collectors kept calling me, she was giving me the impression that it was my fault and I couldn't handle it anymore, I got angry at her and hung up and that was it.... Aside from answering texts with one sentence in English and just words in English. I didn't speak to her for months on end, and I feel like it's for the better....

    One thing I wished is that she learned how to speak ENGLISH, (I am Hispanic and she is too...) I think if we spoke English, I think I would've gotten my point across and we would've worked things out.... I speak fluent English more than Spanish and I speak in Broken Spanish, it's a shame, to me too...

    Given all of these incidents, I still have a soft spot for her and I cried about how our relationship went to pot, I remember one time I was flicking through the channels on TV and I saw some program with some woman that looks like her teaching how to make a Father's Day card, that struck a cord with me and affected me profoundly. I still kind of feel a pain when I think about it. Then there was this time I was browsing google maps and I was looking at a place that I visited in my childhood is now just a field, I know this is going to sound stupid but I kind of had the same affect like the TV program but it hurt more and I ended up crying that night. The song Headlights by Eminem also gave me those same feelings.

    I want to forgive her and maybe reconcile but right now I am not ready, I feel like it's going to take a long time because of how she did me dirty, Yes the past is the past but I have a hard time letting go, people I speak to are saying to me to fix the relationship and some predicted that we will work things out. But I don't feel ready yet, maybe in a few years after I settle on my own perhaps but not now. That's It.
     
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  2. aspieman2396

    aspieman2396 Active Member

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    So that's why I have trust issues I guess and my fear of having a relationship with a girl, I guess :(
     
  3. aspieman2396

    aspieman2396 Active Member

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    And sometimes, she would resort to violence and threats and I had to defend myself once trying to stop her. Thankfully it didn't escalate
     
  4. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    To sum your thread up, I would say it is to do with cultural understanding and a lack of knowledge.

    Because you say you have a soft spot for her still, that allows me to use psychology and you won't be offended ( explain what I mean below). Your mother sees your autism as a slight on her and why you are a constant reminder of something not perfect, in her eyes, which results in her terrible attitude towards you and coupled with the fact that you both cannot communicate effectivily, because you say she does not speak good English and you speak better English than you speak your cultural language and thus, immediate issues come forth.

    Can you learn to speak your mother's language? Because it might help you to get on better?

    I was 18 when I realised that if I wanted to survive, I had to unlove my "parents" and I guess their attitude helped a great deal to achieve this goal. He is no longer alive and although she is alive, I have absolutely nothing to do with her and just recently ( last year), she made it impossible for me to have a relationship with my youngest niece, as she made sure to say some cruel things about me, that got me to see that it was best to not keep up the communication with my niece, for it would involve her in an issue that was before her time. It is painful to me, because we are very similar in our thought pattern, but sadly, my sister takes after her mother in so many ways and thus, my niece had the wrong influence. If you could see her and her two sisters, you would think they were going to stand on street corners, touting for sex customers. They dress very slutty and it has made me cry.

    It has been said to me, when ones are shocked that I have nothing to do with mother, that I was wrong, because mothers are so important and thus, I had no choice but to relate a bit of what she did and thankfully, they have that: ah, ok, that is just awful. But always say: she must be mentally ill and then, I turn off! Mental illness does not excuse causing untold misery to your child and it was not severe. She definitely had OCD and to this day, when clothes make that crackling noise due to electricity, I feel sick, because it reminds me of what she would do.

    But with you, the fact that you do love your mother, means that you would welcome any chance of "mending" a broken relationship.
     
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  5. aspieman2396

    aspieman2396 Active Member

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    I kind of feel like how you feel when it comes to this type of situation. I had to cut her off if I wanted to survive and keep going with my life. My Dad and I are OK. My stepmom and I have a great relationship. I know that I am going be OK from this point forward. But those times when my emotional chords are struck because I used to think she was a good person and nice to me, its hard for me to deal with. As for the spanish part, I do speak better Spanish but Its in part of the fact that My Dad and My stepmom and I all speak English in our house. I am fluent but I am still trying to learn and incorporate new words into my vocabulary everyday.
     
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  6. Chance

    Chance "all who wander are not lost" - Tolkien V.I.P Member

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    Wow... This kind of hit home... Houston must be the place where moms abandon their kids...
    We lived in Sugarland, Tx. My mom took off with some man and I never saw her again. My dad had to come and pick me up from Anson. I was about 10. He was remarried and my step mom had no kids, didn't want kids, didn't like kids, so thats easy to figure out... From there I was just kind of juggled around until I could get out of everyones way. My grandparents and my aunt mostly kept me from becoming nothing in life... I owe them more than I can ever imagine, or express.

    I fully understand your non-trust issues... Its hard but at some point we have to forgive and start trusting again KNOWING we might get hurt, KNOWING that is a part of LIFE. It can get better. We have to make the choice that it has to get better first, and that was maybe one of the hardest choice I ever made.

    In that forgiveness I had to literally try and forget stuff and move past it. Its not easy, and sometimes it comes from nowhere and knocks the crap out of us... but we get back up and move forward, or backward for awhile until we get our bearings once more.
     
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  7. aspieman2396

    aspieman2396 Active Member

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    I live in Miami... I forgot to include that... She left Miami for Houston
     
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  8. Chance

    Chance "all who wander are not lost" - Tolkien V.I.P Member

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    I will take Miami over Houston any day... But I haven't lived in Houston either, since I was a kid.
    I was mostly at Port Author, Port Aransas, Mustang Island, Corpus, and also up in northwest Texas while I was growing up. Went to school at Tx A&M.

    Then I went to San Diego and fell in love with whatever it is out there that makes me feel so ALIVE. Now I'm trying to get back there and make it my home.
    I want to live in Alpine CA... Its in the forresty mountains in east SD County... I like it there a lot.

    I got snow at Mt. Julian, forrest at Alpine, Desert after you cross over the mountains going east, Ocean at SD and anything else you can imagine wanting to do in like a 150 mile circle... Its like my real time Neverland.

    I'm actually going there in 24 days... : )
     
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2018 at 4:51 PM
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  9. aspieman2396

    aspieman2396 Active Member

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    I forgot to mention, that was the year the economy collapsed and Daniel Craig had his second outing as 007.