Bad two days...

[sotto voce]

Hi,
I have never resorted to an on-line community for support, but I have had more than just a bad day. I just turned 68, am still working part-time(I hope), and am just trying to get through December, which is always rough for me.

So what is most bothering me tonight is my meager support system. Anyone besides me feel like they can't get the hang of interpersonal communication, unintentionally offend others, and at some point want to throw in the towel and just move elsewhere? I live with a guy (we have been together almost twenty years) and we get along well enough. But yesterday there was a Zoom live video with his family (about 25 people) and I was not acknowledged except by a couple of his family members. Okay, I am rather used to this but the coolness seemed worse than ever (most of them are Catholic and we are not married). MY family consists of an older brother who is 81 with no children and a wife who will not allow me to visit (not just me). He has not been warm and friendly for a couple of months now, and won't say why. Also, my partner and I moved from a big city to a semi-rural area near a small town. I am crazy about the outdoors and exercise but here the men talk to the men and the women talk to the women so my partner seems liked and is talked to but not me. This is awful. I am used to interacting with all kinds of people, at least superficially (fine with me), and I don't really have women friends (not good at making them and not comfortable for me). My partner tells me I latch onto every tiny bit of communication and blow it all out of proportion, that I am way too sensitive (how do you lessen that?), and I should work on my self-esteem. Well I try, but something essential is missing in me.

All this is getting me down. I have misophonia and I know this makes me a tad difficult to live with sometimes. Of course I ebb and flow with guilt about this. I don't know where to go from here. My little dog is right next to me, which helps. If anyone relates to any of this, feel free to comment. Thx.

 

[Finder]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Self esteem is an odd thing: you can't create it, it comes from those around you. I am not sure people understand how isolating ASD is. And with all the changes you seem to be going through, it becomes all the more difficult. I found this a important piece of reading for me: Acceptance as a Well Being Practice I need to learn to forgive myself and find more acceptance. Easily said...

 

[sotto voce]

Thank you. I did read it and will reread it. I am not sure how self-esteem comes from those around us - I am chewing on that. I do know that changes are rough to deal with, that I am more vulnerable during those times, and a sturdy belief in myself would be so nice to have.

 

[Finder]

I am not sure how self-esteem comes from those around us - I am chewing on that.

If the world keeps telling you you don't fit in and do things "wrong," how do you build self esteem? Don't underestimate validation. It is hard to exist in a vacuum.

 

[unperson]

ugh country life, the women are as rough as guts and the men are sleazy sexists.

My 'family' used to pretend I didn't exist, even when I was in their presence, they never used my name etc. It's a depersonalisation thing I think, if they imagine you don't exist, maybe it'll become real, or something? creepy.

Not sure I can help any.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome, sounds like you found us in the nick of time! (Whatever that means.) Yes that's an interesting point @Finder has made about self esteem, it's hard to have it fully when not being validated, and many of us have such a small circle that we don't get validated much, plus the majority of those around us are neurotypical and find us odd or quirky.

This is why an online forum is so useful for us, as our chances of coming across each other in real life are small, and if we did we'd likely pass by looking away... I know I would. Many of us, including me, have some delay in processing, so can easily get confused or left behind in to and fro conversations or banter and chat beloved of the NT tribe. But online there's time to process and of course one can edit.

Anyway, glad to see you, you sound fine to me. Wow 25 people on Zoom? That's concerning. I wouldn't enjoy that. So your partners probably neurotypical then? It sounds like you have insight into who you are, hey its great you're working and sounds like you enjoy outdoors and activities, that's a help. Our norm is to have less social links and less need or wish to socialise, but this can leave us unvalidated, and sounds like that's got you down, plus moving is a big change, was it something you wanted?

Stick around and join in the discussions, this place is supportive and I hope you enjoy it here.

 

[Streetwise]

Hi,
I have never resorted to an on-line community for support, but I have had more than just a bad day. I just turned 68, am still working part-time(I hope), and am just trying to get through December, which is always rough for me.

So what is most bothering me tonight is my meager support system. Anyone besides me feel like they can't get the hang of interpersonal communication, unintentionally offend others, and at some point want to throw in the towel and just move elsewhere? I live with a guy (we have been together almost twenty years) and we get along well enough. But yesterday there was a Zoom live video with his family (about 25 people) and I was not acknowledged except by a couple of his family members. Okay, I am rather used to this but the coolness seemed worse than ever (most of them are Catholic and we are not married). MY family consists of an older brother who is 81 with no children and a wife who will not allow me to visit (not just me). He has not been warm and friendly for a couple of months now, and won't say why. Also, my partner and I moved from a big city to a semi-rural area near a small town. I am crazy about the outdoors and exercise but here the men talk to the men and the women talk to the women so my partner seems liked and is talked to but not me. This is awful. I am used to interacting with all kinds of people, at least superficially (fine with me), and I don't really have women friends (not good at making them and not comfortable for me). My partner tells me I latch onto every tiny bit of communication and blow it all out of proportion, that I am way too sensitive (how do you lessen that?), and I should work on my self-esteem. Well I try, but something essential is missing in me.

All this is getting me down. I have misophonia and I know this makes me a tad difficult to live with sometimes. Of course I ebb and flow with guilt about this. I don't know where to go from here. My little dog is right next to me, which helps. If anyone relates to any of this, feel free to comment. Thx.

Bad 16 years !

 

[sotto voce]

ugh country life, the women are as rough as guts and the men are sleazy sexists.

My 'family' used to pretend I didn't exist, even when I was in their presence, they never used my name etc. It's a depersonalisation thing I think, if they imagine you don't exist, maybe it'll become real, or something? creepy.

Not sure I can help any.

I have that impression; they'd like me to "go away." I never just hear them..."She was...different." And I end up with a colossal sense of failure, again.

Speaking of depersonalization, I played music with some older retired professionals and they would make an interpretation for me before I could process in the third person in front of me. Really condescending. I left that playing outlet but it rankled.

 

[sotto voce]

Hi and welcome, sounds like you found us in the nick of time! (Whatever that means.) Yes that's an interesting point @Finder has made about self esteem, it's hard to have it fully when not being validated, and many of us have such a small circle that we don't get validated much, plus the majority of those around us are neurotypical and find us odd or quirky.

This is why an online forum is so useful for us, as our chances of coming across each other in real life are small, and if we did we'd likely pass by looking away... I know I would. Many of us, including me, have some delay in processing, so can easily get confused or left behind in to and fro conversations or banter and chat beloved of the NT tribe. But online there's time to process and of course one can edit.

Anyway, glad to see you, you sound fine to me. Wow 25 people on Zoom? That's concerning. I wouldn't enjoy that. So your partners probably neurotypical then? It sounds like you have insight into who you are, hey its great you're working and sounds like you enjoy outdoors and activities, that's a help. Our norm is to have less social links and less need or wish to socialise, but this can leave us unvalidated, and sounds like that's got you down, plus moving is a big change, was it something you wanted?

Stick around and join in the discussions, this place is supportive and I hope you enjoy it here.

I am really grateful for your and others' feedback. I've been living in a vacuum for so long, I can't quite take in the support. You are spot on in describing a delay in processing. There are levels to that, and some things I don't figure out for months. Then I react and everyone else has moved on. This makes me feel ashamed of myself and angry too.

I don't know how NT my partner is but he has and gets more support, just with his family, for starters. They are so insular and unneedy, and "tolerate" me for his sake.

Again, thanks you guys for welcoming me.

 

[sotto voce]

ugh country life, the women are as rough as guts and the men are sleazy sexists.

My 'family' used to pretend I didn't exist, even when I was in their presence, they never used my name etc. It's a depersonalisation thing I think, if they imagine you don't exist, maybe it'll become real, or something? creepy.

Not sure I can help any.

Am surprised at defined the gender roles are. Also, how gossipy the town is. A neighbor said to us a while ago, "they say anything" and looked at me. More on this another time.

 

[OkRad]

There are many issues that are just plain social issues and not related to autism. Sometimes we relate everything to autism. It is a sad fact and echoes from the beginning of history that aging women become invisible except as certain roles, like Grammas, etc.

Now that may not be all bad considering young woman are often targets. How many were prey when younger? Older women are often taken advantage of in other ways (finances, etc) but any sociological, psychological, historical, and even archaic evidence shows older women tend to become wallpaper.

Please don't be offended. It bothers me a lot but I see it and read about it.

For those who are not invisible, please share how you maintained that. I do think people who are Grammas are certainly not invisible! So I do think immediate family does matter. But it seems to be immediate family, blood family that care when women age.

Men, on the other hand, seem to become distinguished and intriguing and can set up philanthropic endeavors, etc.

If I am full of it, please do correct me. I would like to be wrong.

 

[Aspychata]

l am dying to be wallpaper. lol. l wish my senior years to rot in peace and not have so many young types with NO life around me.

 

[sotto voce]

Actually I do agree with you. However, I am outside a lot: gardening, walking, jogging, riding my bike, and so I am a bit hard to ignore, since most people in this neighborhood are retired and are not as physically active. I am not trying to 'make a statement' to anyone, since I discovered the mood benefits of exercise after I left home at age 18 and so do it for myself.

If you don't have kids and grandkids and no family of origin to speak of, it is harder to get affirmation for yourself. I am just saying that between the communication difficulties and lack of familial ties, it is not easy to stick up for myself (as I am sure some of you can relate to).

Speaking of ripping off older females, I paid $1600+ in car repairs October 2019 for a car I got rid of recently, since the problems mostly did not get fixed. I am still in shock that this happened to me. Now I know I am an old lady!

 

[Kevin1968]

welcome to the site, I hope you find it helpful.

 

[Alexej]

Welcome to the Forums

 

[unperson]

Am surprised at defined the gender roles are. Also, how gossipy the town is. A neighbor said to us a while ago, "they say anything" and looked at me. More on this another time.

yep, they will talk about what you buy at the supermarket, and they will make up lies about you and spread them. 'Twin Peaks' is more documentary than fiction.

 

[Streetwise]

Actually I do agree with you. However, I am outside a lot: gardening, walking, jogging, riding my bike, and so I am a bit hard to ignore, since most people in this neighborhood are retired and are not as physically active. I am not trying to 'make a statement' to anyone, since I discovered the mood benefits of exercise after I left home at age 18 and so do it for myself.

If you don't have kids and grandkids and no family of origin to speak of, it is harder to get affirmation for yourself. I am just saying that between the communication difficulties and lack of familial ties, it is not easy to stick up for myself (as I am sure some of you can relate to).

Speaking of ripping off older females, I paid $1600+ in car repairs October 2019 for a car I got rid of recently, since the problems mostly did not get fixed. I am still in shock that this happened to me. Now I know I am an old lady!

It's not being old it's being viewed as a soft target garages(mechanics)do it to a lot of people ,I've never owned a car but the rip off stories are frequent,I find it ironic that a certain percentage of people with a skill wouldn't pay for another service but are offended if you don't want to pay for theirs.

 

[Streetwise]

yep, they will talk about what you buy at the supermarket, and they will make up lies about you and spread them. 'Twin Peaks' is more documentary than fiction.

I think the slight difference is if you have a gun culture, if someone dislikes you and they use weapons a lot, very ,very frightening.

 

[Streetwise]

There are many issues that are just plain social issues and not related to autism. Sometimes we relate everything to autism. It is a sad fact and echoes from the beginning of history that aging women become invisible except as certain roles, like Grammas, etc.

Now that may not be all bad considering young woman are often targets. How many were prey when younger? Older women are often taken advantage of in other ways (finances, etc) but any sociological, psychological, historical, and even archaic evidence shows older women tend to become wallpaper.

Please don't be offended. It bothers me a lot but I see it and read about it.

For those who are not invisible, please share how you maintained that. I do think people who are Grammas are certainly not invisible! So I do think immediate family does matter. But it seems to be immediate family, blood family that care when women age.

Men, on the other hand, seem to become distinguished and intriguing and can set up philanthropic endeavors, etc.

If I am full of it, please do correct me. I would like to be wrong.

I think you can tell when it's autism and not.

 

[Thinx]

There are many issues that are just plain social issues and not related to autism. Sometimes we relate everything to autism. It is a sad fact and echoes from the beginning of history that aging women become invisible except as certain roles, like Grammas, etc.

Now that may not be all bad considering young woman are often targets. How many were prey when younger? Older women are often taken advantage of in other ways (finances, etc) but any sociological, psychological, historical, and even archaic evidence shows older women tend to become wallpaper.

Please don't be offended. It bothers me a lot but I see it and read about it.

For those who are not invisible, please share how you maintained that. I do think people who are Grammas are certainly not invisible! So I do think immediate family does matter. But it seems to be immediate family, blood family that care when women age.

Men, on the other hand, seem to become distinguished and intriguing and can set up philanthropic endeavors, etc.

If I am full of it, please do correct me. I would like to be wrong.

This is also about money and resources, though I would disagree that men in general become distinguished and intriguing, but those who do are usually also rich.

Rich women though, can and do set up philanthropic endeavours, for example Angelina Jolie, who does brilliant work on behalf of women in need of help for example as a result of violence and abuse, also JK Rowling is an example of a rich philanthropic woman.

However I agree it's a strong social norm to negate, ignore or forget the achievements of women, and treat them as helpers to men. The same way that the lives of people of any gender other than male are negated.