Back for a while - Maybe

[Rasputin]

Some may remember me; most probably do not. I was diagnosed with ASD level 1 in January 2020 at age 61, and was trying to learn as much as I could. I live in the United States, which is not terribly big on providing resources for adults with ASD. I stopped posting here about a year ago, and joined several other groups. I have learned a lot more, and learned from different perspectives.

My autistic traits are a close match to what used to be called Aspergers, and I do not view myself as disabled. I have never been unemployed since joining the workforce 35 years ago. However, I do have social, sensory, general anxiety, and sleep related issues.

I have recently left the other groups that I joined because they were not good fits for me. One group was run by a practicing psychologist who used that group forum as a feeder farm for an ASD Assessment practice. I don’t want to seem critical, because I did learn a lot.

Anyway, I decided to revisit this forum. I want to thank you for your time reading this, and hope to stay longer this time.

 

[Aspychata]

Of course l would immediately ask is this site as such? Psychologist run- feeder site? Where is James Bond when you need him?

 

[MyLifeAsAnAspie]

Welcome back . My memory isn't great, but yes I remember you.

There are plenty of resources for adults online, here for example. When I attended a local online group, facilitated by an NT, I had the same impression that they were trying to sell assessments. I am self diagnosed and instead of saying that's fine, she said "we have a [psychologist] here that prefers to use the term self identified instead of self diagnosed". Yeah, I see where your pay is coming from. There are two local groups which are peer facilitated which I have attended. One is AANE, although I don't think many of their groups are peer led. The other is a local startup organization which I still attend: https://www.meetup.com/Autistic-in-NYC-Queens/. Both local groups are still online only.

My self diagnosis story is quite unusual. I had an interest in psychology when I was 20 yo and somehow found a information about Asperger's (~1978) and have never doubted that it fit me since. I wasn't until a few months before COVID hit that I discovered the ND movement and all the online resources now available. I attended a few in person group meetings before the shutdown.

 

[Rasputin]

Of course l would immediately ask is this site as such? Psychologist run- feeder site? Where is James Bond when you need him?

I don’t think so. I never heard of anyone in this other group being assessed and told they were not autistic. It seems questionable that 100% of those suspecting to be autistic being assessed as autistic.

 

[Magna]

Yes, I remember you, Rasputin. It's good to see you back.

 

[Thinx]

Hi, welcome back! I remember you, hope you are doing ok, and that you will feel that you can stay here, at what ever level of involvement suits you.

Actually I think people pretty often are 'right' about this diagnosis, as adults, on the whole. Especially since getting an official diagnosis does often seem to depend on who's doing the diagnosing, and how they interpret the criteria and how to apply them in practice, rather than any hard and fast scientific evidence such as a brain scan.

So someone who's compared themselves to the criteria over a period of time and noticed a fit is quite likely to be 'right', plus others will help them think about it at places like this, if they are not very close to the criteria.

I hope you enjoy it here and find it supportive and helpful to be here.

 

[George Newman]

I remember. It’s good to hear from you and that you are working thru understanding better the path that was set into motion that is your life. We understand better and we celebrate who we are. Thanks for dropping back by. We are a better place to be as we grow larger and larger.

 

[Varzar]

I responded in the other thread too. But yeah! Very happy you're back!
We must've both left around the same time it sounds like.

 

[Alexej]

Welcome back

 

[ftfipps]

I'm glad this site exists. People can come and post things that wouldn't fly on other sites. The amazing thing is, someone will pop up and address them minutes later. Its like self help, in a way. I also didn't post for a couple years.

 

[Rasputin]

I responded in the other thread too. But yeah! Very happy you're back!
We must've both left around the same time it sounds like.

I think I left shortly after you did. There were a couple others who left around that time.

 

[Rasputin]

Thanks everyone for welcoming me back. This is a good forum, and I have always found everyone to be respectful of one another. Some of the observations that I made while I was away are:

(1) there is still a lot of conflict between those who have embraced autism spectrum disorder terminology and those who have embraced traditional Aspergers terminology. Many do not accept Aspergers as being a form of autism. I do think there may be autistic subtypes which are not adequately described by ASD levels 1,2, and 3. One explanation that I heard is that Aspergers is characterized by hyper-logical cognitive thinking whereas this person argued that autism is characterized by hyper-emotional cognitive responses. Then there is the notion of “high functioning” autism which loosely describes both ASD level 1 and Aspergers, and is viewed by many as offensive.

(2) there is growing disdain for the word disorder in autism spectrum disorder, in response to the neurodivergence movement. One of the groups I visited went through a long drawn out process of renaming their group to remove the word disorder. At the same time they did not especially like the word autism.

(3) there is a lot of disagreement as to whether autism is a gift or a disability, depending of how the condition is manifested. Those who view autism as a gift downplay social awkwardness, communication difficulties and sensory issues, and emphasize their unique abilities. Others seem to dwell on the negative traits and strongly view autism as a disability. I don’t think either view is right or wrong, as there is so much variability that virtually no two people have the same traits.

In my case, I have discovered that I literally shut off painful emotions as a self defense mechanism referred to as Alexithymia. I discussed this on this forum in the past, but did not know there was a name for this condition. I have experienced loss without ever experiencing emotion, and this is not normal or healthy. One psychologist suggested that I suffer from PTSD, and that this was my way of coping since I am unable to process loss. I honestly do not know.

For visitors who are trying to learn how ASD is manifested, all I can say is that no two autistic people are alike. There is even disagreement among practitioners, which explains why it is often difficult to obtain a formal diagnosis.

 

[OkRad]

Welcome back!

 

[Loren]

Hi Rasputin. I remember you, as well. It's nice to see you.

 

[SusanLR]

Welcome back @Rasputin.
I remember you and it's good to hear about your journey to other places and what you have learned.
Hope you are doing well.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I remember you. You are pretty friendly.

 

[Varzar]

In my case, I have discovered that I literally shut off painful emotions as a self defense mechanism referred to as Alexithymia. I discussed this on this forum in the past, but did not know there was a name for this condition. I have experienced loss without ever experiencing emotion, and this is not normal or healthy.

Something else we have in common.

 

[Varzar]

I have experienced loss without ever experiencing emotion, and this is not normal or healthy.

I've been thinking about this since you said it.. I agree it's not normal, but I'm not sure I think it's unhealthy.
It would certainly be a unhealthy for an NT I suppose, so I could see a lot of people suggesting it is unhealthy.

For me, I find I just process the emotions so slowly over time that they don't impact me in the large way that they do for most people. For example, we had a pet rabbit that died last December. His bowels had been growling away for over a year by that point, and he was old. It was obvious his time was coming. By the time he actually died, I had pretty much already processed any emotions related to his death. I feel I do a lot of "preprocessing" of emotions for expected losses, and that minimizes any emotional response when the event actually occurs. I will still do "post processing" as well, but it happens over the course of months or years. So, there's not usually any point where I fall apart emotionally the way a lot of people seem to.

I guess the question being, are you not processing the emotions at all? Or just processing them so slowly that they don't impact any day-to-day stuff. I'm more the latter, and since it does eventually get processed, I don't feel it's an unhealthy way to be.. Just different.

 

[Rasputin]

I've been thinking about this since you said it.. I agree it's not normal, but I'm not sure I think it's unhealthy.
It would certainly be a unhealthy for an NT I suppose, so I could see a lot of people suggesting it is unhealthy.

For me, I find I just process the emotions so slowly over time that they don't impact me in the large way that they do for most people. For example, we had a pet rabbit that died last December. His bowels had been growling away for over a year by that point, and he was old. It was obvious his time was coming. By the time he actually died, I had pretty much already processed any emotions related to his death. I feel I do a lot of "preprocessing" of emotions for expected losses, and that minimizes any emotional response when the event actually occurs. I will still do "post processing" as well, but it happens over the course of months or years. So, there's not usually any point where I fall apart emotionally the way a lot of people seem to.

I guess the question being, are you not processing the emotions at all? Or just processing them so slowly that they don't impact any day-to-day stuff. I'm more the latter, and since it does eventually get processed, I don't feel it's an unhealthy way to be.. Just different.

Your description of preprocessing is exactly what I do at times. For example I saw my grandfather in the hospital when he had Alzheimer’s, and he did not recognize me. When he passed two years later I did not bother to go to his funeral because I pre-processed emotions for his expected death two years earlier.

However, my parents both passed suddenly following a massive heart attack by my mother and a stroke by my father. There was no pre-processing of emotions, and no emotions ever experienced by me. So, I do not know how to explain this. Unless maybe I just accepted their passing due to their age. Because of these experiences I avoid funerals because I feel awkward.

Another example is a teen who attended a university, and hung himself in his dormitory room. The family goes to my church, and there was an immense emotional reaction among people at my church. I felt no emotions however, and had to fake emotional loss when my wife made me accompany her to their home for a visitation. There is nothing more awkward than to visit grieving parents, and fake caring about them or their deceased son.

 

[Varzar]

Your description of preprocessing is exactly what I do at times. For example I saw my grandfather in the hospital when he had Alzheimer’s, and he did not recognize me. When he passed two years later I did not bother to go to his funeral because I pre-processed emotions for his expected death two years earlier.

However, my parents both passed suddenly following a massive heart attack by my mother and a stroke by my father. There was no pre-processing of emotions, and no emotions ever experienced by me. So, I do not know how to explain this. Unless maybe I just accepted their passing due to their age. Because of these experiences I avoid funerals because I feel awkward.

Another example is a teen who attended a university, and hung himself in his dormitory room. The family goes to my church, and there was an immense emotional reaction among people at my church. I felt no emotions however, and had to fake emotional loss when my wife made me accompany her to their home for a visitation. There is nothing more awkward than to visit grieving parents, and fake caring about them or their deceased son.

For my parents who are fortunately still alive, it is still expected to me that they will die before I do. I have been preprocessing their passing essentially my whole life. I don't anticipate it being a huge emotional hit for me even if it happened suddenly tomorrow. It would suck, sure. But, not unexpected nor unprocessed already.

As for people that commit suicide, I kind of figure they made their own choice. So, I don't usually feel bad when they do so. Everyone's always spouting the "my body, my choice" thing, but we seem to not apply that to people that want to die. But anyways, I wouldn't feel a strong emotional response to that situation either. I've only known one person that actually did kill themselves (jumped out the window several floors up).

I also find funerals terribly awkward. I try to avoid them if I can, but unfortunately that's not always plausible.