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Featured awful dates

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by paloftoon, Jul 19, 2019.

  1. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    I have had a slew of awful dates.

    There is a combination of things happening.
    Struggling with sleep.
    People are judging me on my race and slight pudginess. While I do the same thing with weight, and from personal experience, I don't not want a particular race, but I might consciously and unconsciously have higher expectations for certain races because of personal experiences. There are a number of people who've had similar interests to me, but been heavier than me, and they are not into me and it's weird. It's not like I don't level with them at all.
    To a degree, I feel I get judged in this manner for platonic friendships too.
    I think it's human nature for people to do this, but then there's also just racism to a degree too.
    There are definitely more complex social factors that come into play. Sometimes, from me, and sometimes from others.
    One of my bosses pointed out that I don't look good in wrinkled shirts. I can't always tell that a shirt is wrinkled, but I haven't ironed in a long time because I've been trying to cut corners for not wanting to feel like I'm working constantly or doing errands constantly.
    I've been focusing on my sleep mostly. I'm not quite there. Sleeping early works best because my body forces me to get up between 5-630 AM usually no matter what time I sleep.
    She pointed out inappropriate wording in an e-mail recently where it would've been okay for a social environment but not a professional environment. I thanked her for letting me know and told her I would plan on working on these things.
    I'm very lucky to be in a program where it seems like my nuances are being worked with. Sometimes, I fear losing this job, but I'm going to keep trying until I don't get to try anymore or unless I have enough of a reason to change.
    I hate it when my lunch bag is missing. I usually try to keep it with me, but one day I forgot and it has gone missing since. I forgot to ask about my lunch bag when asking about my missing cell phone (which was returned to the work lobby desk.)

    A date online that I "matched" pretended to connect with me. We were about to meet, and then the day before, he claims he has to show a home on two days. I ask him if he has to do it in the evening and he just says "thank you for understanding." He didn't mention anything about meeting after the house showings nor try to re-schedule.

    Another date online I "matched", he was more real, except he never initiated a conversation with me. He was very attractive to me. Pretty mundane guy for the most part otherwise. The conversation got boring enough that I stepped it up a week after by asking him if he wanted to contact via phone or other modes. He didn't answer that question indicating that he wasn't really interested and just wanted to "chat" even though I have on my profile that I'm not looking for pen pals. I got the sense of racism.

    Another date I "matched", he is a medical student and claimed he has a cold. It isn't cold weather, he canceled like almost last minute, and there seems to be no indication about rescheduling. There was a good phone conversation but apparently it was fake.

    Another date I met in-person once. He says he "has more free time these two weeks" but then also agrees that "if this is his free time now, then he will have like no time when he starts school." During this date, he asked me about sexual stuff and I didn't mind and told him the same thing back. But then, he didn't invite me to his place afterward and I took that as him not being interested. He had expected me to walk him back to his place, but I was getting tired and didn't initially offer until he mentioned it. When I started taking him back, he then cut off me walking him back in the middle of the walk. So, all I could do was leave. Also, during this date, he invited me to a place and he almost didn't order anything until I asked him about it. I had told him beforehand that I had dinner beforehand and don't need to stop anywhere unless he would like to.
    I thought this was it and I'd move on. He texted me starting off with how he expected me to text him. All this time, all our communication prior to that text, I had initiated. I had moved on. When he told me something I texted didn't make sense, I suggested a phone call and he said he'd do one later. The phone call hasn't happened so far. Been like 3-5 days.

    There are awkward social things happening in a league I'm in. It's not like I'm not trying to get out outside of dating. It's not like I'm not trying to do what I need to do in normal life while I do all these other things. I could invest more time to do things that I need to do. I can only do so much. I feel a sense of anger that things aren't flowing well enough for me.

    I know that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and I have a tendency to want those deep connections. Sometimes, I can have enough patience to build and sometimes I can see that I don't have a chance due to social vibes and circumstances that are not under my control like my race, my outlook on life, or things I don't notice that might make a person more interested in me platonically or more.

    One of my friends was constantly making a non-sensical joke on hard repeat to the point where I had to tell him 1-1 that I'd break the friendship if he continues this behavior despite our positive history because he is busy with his own life, we can't hangout, and I can't even rely on him for anything. So, what use is he if he's going to be making fun of me (even me putting up with him making fun of posts within a deep, emotional state and things of that nature on several occasions) if this is his behavior. He said he's stop and didn't realize how much it was hurting me.

    What is going on? I'm not a happy camper. I know I can level with many people around me.
     
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  2. Mary Terry

    Mary Terry Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Everyone probably has had bad dates. I think that is particularly true with people you find on internet dating sites because you have no clue who they are, what they really look like, or anything else about them except whatever they have posted about themselves, which may or may not be factual. Maybe you should try to find dates in person rather than shopping on the internet?

    And just because someone doesn't want to date you doesn't mean they are racist. It's possible that they just didn't like your personality or your conversation topics, etc.
     
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  3. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

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    Like Mary said, this sounds like a pretty standard experience of internet dating.

    Also there is no such thing as "cold [the illness] weather", people can catch a cold in literally any weather. I've had colds in the middle of British winter and in 40 degree celcius, 100% humidity Madagascan summer, and in pretty much ever type of weather in between.

    What do you mean by you can 'level' with people?

    Anyway, sorry you're not a happy camper. Maybe try dating in person if you don't like internet dating.
     
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  4. Peter Morrison

    Peter Morrison Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I think that what you are experiencing with these dates is nothing more than typical in online dating. A lot of people lack simple courtesy and just "cut and run" when faced with an unpleasant situation. Attraction is a 2-way street, so the law of averages makes a good match for both parties harder to find. You have to keep digging, and you need to learn from experience. People have funny stories about blind dates, and the first face-to-face encounter is like a blind date. Nobody knows what to talk about and restating what has already been communicated is dull. It's trial and error for everyone. There are creepy people out there, so you are better off not seeing someone more than once if the reaction or response is negative and upsetting. That's clearly not the right person for you. Keep your own dignity and standards. It will serve you well in the long run.
     
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  5. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    Thanks. I was once on the creepy side of things a bit, but I didn't know any better. I'm glad I learned from it at least. :/
     
  6. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    Leveling with people means things such as they are independent, have a full time job, drive, live on their own, and things like that. The person and I can communicate with each other and I don't feel like I am talking with someone with an IQ of 50 if I had an IQ of say 150 for example.

    I try to meet people in-person and online. It feels the same to me, but just that people act in different forms but offer the same response.

    I'm not sure how to explain the race thing, but I don't think it's in my head 100%. A lot of people in the same race as me probably would agree and online seems to support this too. But no, I don't have anything official except I think I did see a study of such done my OkCupid that matches my personal experiences overall.

    As for the cold thing, time will tell for sure. The guy hasn't reached out to me since his cold or "cold" last Tuesday. I guess I can reach out again, but my expectations are quite low. I just don't get a good feeling for someone who acted so interested in me and we had a real or "real" conversation.
     
  7. Rexi

    Rexi owo uwu owo SlightlyFilterless Atheist Science=<3

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    How old are these guys? Guys tend to mature less fast. Do you think dating a little older than them might be more mature?
     
  8. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    I don't try to discriminate on age. Just as long as they are 21 or older. One guy is 24, another 44, another like 29 or 30, another one no age given but I would guess 39-44, 37 is another.

    (Note: I don't remember age always cause if I attempt to move on from a person, I remove my favorite marker for their profile depending on the app, etc.)
     
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  9. Rexi

    Rexi owo uwu owo SlightlyFilterless Atheist Science=<3

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    "When I started taking him back, he then cut off me walking him back in the middle of the walk. So, all I could do was leave."
    I'm interested into such a someone like this one, he seems different, more involved.

    What did you mean he cut off you? Told you to go home?

    I'm getting the sense you should have told him that you were tired, otheriwse he wouldnt have dragged you to the place to eat or while you were trying to walk him home. Or couldve told him you didnt initiate it because you were kinda tired but you want to take him home if he prefers it. There's a bit of a tendency to not say how you felt and try to please, it can be bad and make it more difficult for you as when you're tired you may come across as more different than generally.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2019
  10. sisselcakes

    sisselcakes Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    This is not an ASD thing. Online dating is hell! I did it for several years before meeting my boyfriend. It can be very exhausting, confusing, and disappointing. Well, that sure was uplifting. LOL. Just know that you aren't the only one who struggles with online dating.
     
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  11. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    Basically, yes, he told me to go home, and not in a good way.
    I met this particular individual in-person last minute as we both happened to be free and in the area. He said he wasn't hungry and neither was I coming out of a bar from dinner and cool cocktails.
    We just walked around the city and talked. Then, he was telling me he was thirsty and wanted to stop by a place he knew.
    I said okay.
    When we get there, he decides last minute he doesn't order anything until I bring it up.
    Already a red flag there, but I didn't want to look to pick at one thing. So, I kept going with the date as he was still a pretty good option and better looking in-person.
    During our after-dinner outing, he asked me sexual stuff. I was okay with that except that he didn't invite me over his place at the end of our date, which is an indication that he is not interested in me.
    We are both into having fun, so it's not like he's the super slow type either.

    After the after-dinner outing, we walked in a nearby park. Then, he said he was getting tired. I was about to go my own way but then he was annoyed I wasn't walking him home. Then, I said okay I don't mind walking you home. Halfway through the walk, he doesn't want me to walk him all the way home and tells me I should go back home because his home is not on my way back- which was true. So, I couldn't argue that and just said okay. I was ready to move on after that experience.

    Then, several days ago, he texts me starting off with he expected me to text him first afterward. I told him that I'd like to talk on the phone with him about some things (like how he doesn't seem interested in me because of all those things that happened. I don't want to text all that cause details like that can easily get misconstrued. He disrespected me and expects me to be okay with this "game" and his apparent lack of interest. )

    The sense about you saying I was tired, well thing is sometimes I "always feel I'm tired" cause I have sleep issues. I was enjoying the eye candy and some of his intelligence features, and for me to have left too soon based on the context would've been a turn off for the experience. I wanted to try to make a connection even after the incident. I wanted to be open to the possibilities that people can be human and vulnerable, but then still be truly invested to try to make a serious connection back with me. I have a tendency to have a bit more patience because I have endured a ton of rejection. Arguably more than many other people overall based on my personality, interests, race, and how I can go into detail about layers of emotion for this and that.

    I am attracted to him, but I won't make an effort at this point until I can push for respect back and he can come more at my convenience and maybe offer to show me more affection soon, or I leave sooner if a 2nd date happens and respect isn't occurring. Between the first and second date, I would express my concerns of the first date (if I get a chance) and see how he reacts to it. I'm already not expecting a second date. The text after the first date is what throws everything out of whack- especially since it wasn't a discussion about what happened. It was just like he was surprised I didn't text and then had to go, but hasn't gotten back after that. . .

    If he's interested in just platonic friendship, maybe he can offer to pay me for something without me asking (not expected) or something where I feel like I matter as much as he does basically. I just know I won't invest much in this person after all that. I'm okay with him not being into me, but receiving the text after the fact was awkward. He hasn't followed through yet, afterward. I think he's also overly paranoid cause he comes from a (fairly) rich family too.
    Kinda screwed up.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2019
  12. Rexi

    Rexi owo uwu owo SlightlyFilterless Atheist Science=<3

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    I still don't understand why his considerating and joke about you going home to push you to stop taking him home would seem like hes not interested into you. I feel like youve given up a fine relationship because of some misunderstandings. Yeah he would normally expect you to message is what id think too, but im glad he eventually messaged you himself. I get the feeling its your turn now to show you care, and work with him instead of asking for a call, try your best to explain and ask stuff in text if theres no other way. I feel theres no other way because he expects you to do something now not to ask for convenience. You're doing fine in text, I would advise to keep trying with him. I don't think what he did was rejection at all, in fact since he said he expected you to message i see his point. Cmon don't give up so fast and don't jump to conclusions. I understand its been difficult cause you felt rejected but it seems it wasn't the case after all. I'll feel bad for what it could have been if you give it up when hes still expressing he wants you. :c

    Tell him what you want and what made you feel like hes not interested, and tell him about you not wanting to play the certain games you mentioned. Let him explain without fear and worrying too much, be open to it being a misunderstanding.
     
  13. Rexi

    Rexi owo uwu owo SlightlyFilterless Atheist Science=<3

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    I don't like calls when i dont really understand someone's reaction and am upset and feel vulnerable or if im not attached after a long time. Plus i can better keep track of things that have been said than with voice. Try texting for now and then after you explain some and maybe get back with him on track another time ask if you can call because you feel you can express yourself better like that. Ask for compromise to both text and call if he prefers texting. Make sure he understands why you think it matters for your communication so much to call.
     
  14. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    Sorry for the confusion. The person who was joking with me was a friend who said I should go to jail with no context whatsoever. Just totally random and didn't fit in with any context. I asked a few people about this joke including the friend himself. 2 of my other friends never heard of such a "pop culture" reference and the friend didn't answer.

    The first date me and this one medical student date had was at his convenience mainly and me initiating all the conversations. I've probably initiated like 3 or 4 times, then he initiated once and only after our first date. I could initiate back and see what happens. He could be so out of it that he doesn't realize he was showing lack of considerateness for me. I'll reach out and see what happens. I've been trying to tell him from the beginning my thoughts, but he hasn't been able to give me a chance to express my side. I can plan and say I can talk then or now, and his answer is always "no" pretty much.
    He's the one with the time management issues or "issues", not me. But thank you.
     
  15. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    In-person is best because there are those emotions. You can still hear those emotions over a phone too. Text can be worse because you don't have those emotions even moreso. I'm not the best with wording sometimes, and things are more easily miscontrued via text if they are deep. Sure, I can keep better track with voice too, but some things are better not to be kept track of, but to feel the emotion in the moment. With text, things that have potential negative connotations can unintentionally stick more permanently if it doesn't come out well. Depending on text too much, alone anyway, can give off a vibe of being overly socially anxious and isn't necessarily healthy for a relationship or friendship that isn't already established.
     
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  16. Rexi

    Rexi owo uwu owo SlightlyFilterless Atheist Science=<3

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    Its not ok to talk issues out only when he feels like it, he has to listen whether or not he feels like it or not or has time or not, like read it later and respond to it eventually. Youre not supposed to bottle things up, but most people are oblivious to this fact.

    If he wants a relationship he needs to find the time to talk about important matters and have the willingness to discuss them when he does have time, not ignore them.

    Sorry, I meant the joke being that he told you you might wanna go home cause your home isnt in the way of you taking him home. I don't think that was supposed to hurt you or be a denial of interest or end the relationship. Especially since he mentioned he expected you to message him and i think he didn't know you got upset over it or that you thought your relationship is over. You can easily misunderstand his intent, it seems.
     
  17. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    He definitely wasn't kidding when he changed his mind about me taking him home and us walking halfway there though. We were both there in-person during the date when this happened. . . .
     
  18. Rexi

    Rexi owo uwu owo SlightlyFilterless Atheist Science=<3

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    Maybe he was being considerate of you in a jokeful way and you thought he disliked you? Then he later wondered why you stopped messaging. You may want to ask him if hes still interested in you and ask him about that time to clarify that event.
     
  19. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    I did reach out today and he hasn't responded so far. So, we'll see.
    I'm usually good at telling when people are joking or not.
    Unfortunately, he made part of the date like a game kinda. Maybe not intentionally, but he is still kinda young. Like 29. I will tell him why I stopped messaging if he gives me a chance. Otherwise, I will be focusing on other things as I already am or trying to. Lack of communication is not good for a friendship or a relationship even if he actually was interested as the way he's going about it was disrespectful.
     
  20. Rexi

    Rexi owo uwu owo SlightlyFilterless Atheist Science=<3

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    That's good. I hope you guys will work it out. ^^ Feel better