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Autistic Romance

Brooke_08

New Member
Hello everyone! I'm a neuro-typical writer. And I am writing a story with an autistic main character. I thought I'd come on here for any questions I have representation-wise. For this story, the representation is going to be very make-or-break. I am willing to work my absolute hardest to get answers. Anywho, first question:

The male love interest shows her some ASL signs she can use when she is overstimulated and can't speak. She experiences more shutdowns than meltdowns (although meltdowns do still happen). Here's the basic interaction:

"Are you okay?" He asked.
"No." She signed while shaking her head. "I'm overstimulated. And I can't talk. Everything's loud and everything hurts."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to leave you alone?"
"...No. Please sit here and do nothing."

This is where she is in the beginning stages of catching feelings. The point is, would there ever be a situation where someone's presence would be more helpful than harmful? I looked on Google and saw that during a shutdown people often want to be left alone. But, would that be any different if it was with someone one feels safe and comfortable with? One of the big points of the story is her unmasking. But she never feels the need to mask around him.

Sorry for the long thread, but I'd love to hear your answers!
 
I may be projecting some of myself into your story, but here goes . . .

There are two opposing dynamics at play within the female character -- the desire to love and be loved, and the desire for people (including her boyfriend) to just leave her alone because they impose all forms of sensory overload.

From my own perspective, I want friends. Good friends. Happy friends. The kinds of friends who accept me as I am without trying to "fix" me.

I also want solitude. Dim lighting. Soft sounds (i.e., cat purring, fan whirring, et cetera). Natural aromas (i.e., lilacs in bloom, pine needles, et cetera)

As for the male character, he is likely neurotypical. From his perspective, he may see only two modes to her conscious behavior: Calm attention to her special interests, and Frantic efforts to escape whatever is driving her toward a meltdown.

If he is also hearing-impaired, the socially invisible nature of such people may be the link that binds them together.

I rarely "unmask", even around my wife and kids. They know I don't like surprises, loud noises, strong smells, and being touched by strangers. They know I am technically inclined in my interests, and that I tend to take the literal meaning of what they say. AFAIK, they have not reached a proper "diagnosis", but only consider me as eccentric* and somewhat emotionally sensitive.

(*-Strangers and people who don't know me well consider me "weird", but generally harmless.)

I hope this helps.
 
Thank you very much. How about I change it to this?

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to leave you alone."
(She doesn't expect him to actually listen, because most people don't)
"...Yes, please."
He then leaves.

That way it's less about feeling safe and more about respecting her boundaries.
 
'I'm sorry but it's best you just leave me alone for a while' (So as not to offend them or embarrass themselves. And will not mention that on the other hand they will seek the companionship of the dog (or cat).
 
Thank you very much. How about I change it to this?

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to leave you alone."
(She doesn't expect him to actually listen, because most people don't)
"...Yes, please."
He then leaves.
I could not have counted the number of times when I followed the literal meaning of someone's words without regard to their feelings, only to find out later that I had screwed up. Here is how I think your little scene would go in the real world . . .

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to leave you alone?"
"...Yes, please."
He then leaves.
She buries her face in her hands, draws a ragged breath, and softly whispers, "I wish he would've stayed."
Later, when he returns, she barely acknowledges his presence, believing that he would only abandon her again at the first opportunity.
"Sweetheart, what's wrong?"
"Nothing", she replies. "I'm fine. Everything is just fine. Don't you have someplace to go?"
 
Hello everyone! I'm a neuro-typical writer. And I am writing a story with an autistic main character. I thought I'd come on here for any questions I have representation-wise. For this story, the representation is going to be very make-or-break. I am willing to work my absolute hardest to get answers. Anywho, first question:

The male love interest shows her some ASL signs she can use when she is overstimulated and can't speak. She experiences more shutdowns than meltdowns (although meltdowns do still happen). Here's the basic interaction:

"Are you okay?" He asked.
"No." She signed while shaking her head. "I'm overstimulated. And I can't talk. Everything's loud and everything hurts."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want me to leave you alone?"
"...No. Please sit here and do nothing."

This is where she is in the beginning stages of catching feelings. The point is, would there ever be a situation where someone's presence would be more helpful than harmful? I looked on Google and saw that during a shutdown people often want to be left alone. But, would that be any different if it was with someone one feels safe and comfortable with? One of the big points of the story is her unmasking. But she never feels the need to mask around him.

Sorry for the long thread, but I'd love to hear your answers!
Hello, I am also NT and came here a year ago for the same reason - I wanted to write a romance with ASD character as one of two main characters, and this website helped me a lot to see what are ups and downs of autism. Wishing you luck with your book.
 
Forgive me for asking, but how would. "Do you want me to leave you alone?" Be miscommunicated? That's a pretty direct sentence.

Also, why would she want him to stay if she if experiencing a shutdown? Sorry if I'm misunderstanding, but I thought that it's best to be left alone during a shutdown? Accompanied by some dim lights or a cuddly cat.

Maybe the point of the scene is that he accommodates to her. He's a very sweet guy. I'll figure out the details later but I think the theme of the scene is him showing her a kindness and understanding that she's not used to. Of course she doesn't just fall for him because he's "nice", that's the bare minimum. But the little things slowly build.
 
In my real life, it has always ended with solitude winning out over socialization.

For better and worse.

For me it doesn't get any more real than that. And no, it isn't an easy existence.
 
When I am overloaded, it gets harder to think. Often, if people in these situations ask me what I need, I respond with "I don't know."

In your scene, like:
"Would you like me to leave you alone?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want me to do something?"
"I don't know."

An arc in your story might be that he pays attention, asks her these things while she is well, figures out what she needs, and surprises her by doing just that without having to ask.
 
When I am overloaded, it gets harder to think. Often, if people in these situations ask me what I need, I respond with "I don't know."

In your scene, like:
"Would you like me to leave you alone?"
"I don't know."
"Do you want me to do something?"
"I don't know."

An arc in your story might be that he pays attention, asks her these things while she is well, figures out what she needs, and surprises her by doing just that without having to ask.
That's actually very inspiring, thank you so much! I already planned on having him do research and noticing little things but that would be cool too. I think what I could do is this:

"Would you like me to leave you alone?"
"Uhm, I don't know..."
"Do you want me to do something?"
"I don't know..."
He then proceeds to set up a sort of safe space. He never forces her into anything, just sort of makes it available for her to use. He could grab her a blanket, dim the lights, turn down the music, whatever. Or maybe he can pull out his phone and Google whatever might make her feel better.

And I think she would feel a bit guilty about not being able to communicate. At this point in her arc she's become more confident in herself but is still frustrated when her disOnly for him to respond with absolute kindness and grace.
 
That's actually very inspiring, thank you so much! I already planned on having him do research and noticing little things but that would be cool too. I think what I could do is this:

"Would you like me to leave you alone?"
"Uhm, I don't know..."
"Do you want me to do something?"
"I don't know..."
He then proceeds to set up a sort of safe space. He never forces her into anything, just sort of makes it available for her to use. He could grab her a blanket, dim the lights, turn down the music, whatever. Or maybe he can pull out his phone and Google whatever might make her feel better.

And I think she would feel a bit guilty about not being able to communicate. At this point in her arc she's become more confident in herself but is still frustrated when her disOnly for him to respond with absolute kindness and grace.
Oops, I accidentally posted this before I was done. I was going to say that though she is more confident in her self and communicating her needs, it still frustrates her when she is hindered by her autism. Especially when it burdens other people.
 
In my real life, it has always ended with solitude winning out over socialization.

For better and worse.

For me it doesn't get any more real than that. And no, it isn't an easy existence.
I think the most popular answer to my question has been "It's better to be left alone". Which (from a writer's standpoint), still leaves plenty of opportunity to build a connection. Ironically, people having alone time can pull them together. And I'm sorry that it's hard for you.
 
Hello, I am also NT and came here a year ago for the same reason - I wanted to write a romance with ASD character as one of two main characters, and this website helped me a lot to see what are ups and downs of autism. Wishing you luck with your book.
Thank you! You as well.
 
Oops, I accidentally posted this before I was done. I was going to say that though she is more confident in her self and communicating her needs, it still frustrates her when she is hindered by her autism. Especially when it burdens other people.
After you hang around here for a while, you will realize that even though we have some shared characteristics, no two of us are alike. We have a saying "If you meet one person with autism, then you have met one person with autism." You absolutely cannot predict the behavior of someone with autism by knowing the behavior of another one, or even knowing a bunch of us. I like and approve the idea of what you are trying to do, but I suspect you will have a difficult time with it. I would very much like to see the final result. One piece of advice is to avoid stereotypes. There are some comorbidities that are common among us. Hang around and learn.

I am bothered by the phrase "it still frustrates her when she is hindered by her autism." Autism is not a "when" thing. It is there constantly and affects us continuously, even when we are not thinking about it or aware of it.

Good luck with your writing.
 
Oops, I accidentally posted this before I was done. I was going to say that though she is more confident in her self and communicating her needs, it still frustrates her when she is hindered by her autism. Especially when it burdens other people.
I just remembered that she's signing and not speaking.
After you hang around here for a while, you will realize that even though we have some shared characteristics, no two of us are alike. We have a saying "If you meet one person with autism, then you have met one person with autism." You absolutely cannot predict the behavior of someone with autism by knowing the behavior of another one, or even knowing a bunch of us. I like and approve the idea of what you are trying to do, but I suspect you will have a difficult time with it. I would very much like to see the final result. One piece of advice is to avoid stereotypes. There are some comorbidities that are common among us. Hang around and learn.

I am bothered by the phrase "it still frustrates her when she is hindered by her autism." Autism is not a "when" thing. It is there constantly and affects us continuously, even when we are not thinking about it or aware of it.

Good luck with your writing.
You're right. I didn't mean to be offensive at all and I apologize if it came across that way. I've learned that research includes being wrong. All have you have been incredibly helpful and polite. I have been trying to avoid stereotypes as much as possible, but I guess I still need work 😅. An example of that is that she is not ace or aromatic, since I've seen that as a common trope amongst autistic/autistic coded people in media.

That has definitely been the biggest lesson I have learned from posting these. And it's very freeing as a writer. Honestly, I was a little bit scared that I wouldn't do something right. But now I realize that I have more creative freedom than I thought. It also makes me realize that I can't just use one answer, because there is none. I have to personally choose what I want her autism to be.

As for the "hindered" part, that was awkwardly worded. I never meant to say that autism is a sometimes thing. I know it's constant. It's not something that "flares up", it just is.

Thank you so much!
 
I can also qualify myself as a writer. One of my nonfiction books was published by Resource Publications (this is not a vanity press). Currently I’m working on a horror novel.

However, I didn’t join this forum to collect data on behavior of autistic people. My brother is autistic, I want to learn more about the condition and help people like him.

I think that certain topics are off-limit to individuals who haven’t personally experienced challenges that their protagonists face. For example, being a white man, I wouldn’t write a book describing feelings and behavior of a black man, who suffered from racial injustice.

For the same reason I won’t write a pretentious book with autistic protagonists.
 
I think the most popular answer to my question has been "It's better to be left alone". Which (from a writer's standpoint), still leaves plenty of opportunity to build a connection. Ironically, people having alone time can pull them together. And I'm sorry that it's hard for you.

Perhaps you might gain more insight in observing the film "Mozart and the Whale". Then to further consider the story is based on two autistic persons with somewhat different traits and behaviors. And lastly to know that in real life, it was a couple who fell in love, only to divorce later. Likely that statistically we're no better than our NT counterparts.

That in our world, what really matters is not finding romance, but rather being able to sustain it over a long period of time. ;)

 
I can also qualify myself as a writer. One of my nonfiction books was published by Resource Publications (this is not a vanity press). Currently I’m working on a horror novel.

However, I didn’t join this forum to collect data on behavior of autistic people. My brother is autistic, I want to learn more about the condition and help people like him.

I think that certain topics are off-limit to individuals who haven’t personally experienced challenges that their protagonists face. For example, being a white man, I wouldn’t write a book describing feelings and behavior of a black man, who suffered from racial injustice.

For the same reason I won’t write a pretentious book with autistic protagonists.
I don't mean to pretentious at all. And I feel like you can write whatever you're willing to research. If you wanna write about revolutionary France, you better be ready to do a lot of research about revolutionary France. I am not autistic, but I am willing to work my ass off to be able to properly represent autism. Not out of a place of pretentiousness or fear of offending people, but out of love.

Personally, saying certian subjects are "off limits" only brings writers down. I understand not wanting uneducated people to write about things they don't know about. But I am not uneducated. And am working very hard to make sure I am not so.

"Write what you know", yes. But that doesn't mean "Only write what you've experienced". In my opinion if someone is willing to work hard to research their topic. They should be allowed to write it. Because being willing to do the work shows that they have a true passion for the subject.
 
Perhaps you might gain more insight in observing the film "Mozart and the Whale". Then to further consider the story is based on two autistic persons with somewhat different traits and behaviors. And lastly to know that in real life, it was a couple who fell in love, only to divorce later.

That in our world, what really matters is not finding romance, but rather being able to sustain it over a long period of time. ;)

Hm, maybe I'll check it out. Thank you!
 

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